to go for the highest, travel light.

seder is right up there, my top fave spiritual activity that has food and grocery seamlessly woven into the teachings. taste buds are titillating. sensory pleasures are evoked. all for the purpose of drawing out the unshakable faith within us. when we call out with all our hearts and souls we do get response though it mostly doesn't come in a shape and size that we would like. in this case, to break free of slavery we have to leave all comforts, relative and meager as they are, behind and go into wilderness. since there isn't much to look at outside all we have are what come up within and, o me o my, what powerful stuff they are.

i say seder is spiritual democracy in action. you don't need to go to a temple or any house of worship. you don't need a rabbi. my first seder was with hwubby in a graduate apartment in mills college in the first year of our marriage. just the two of us. i prepare gefilte fish with gusto. i make charoset, roast the shank bone. my eyes are watery from the fresh horseradish. the grassy freshness of parsley refreshes my enthusiasm. a simple bread of flour and water affirms that you don''t need to take much with you to plunge into life-changing adventure. as a matter of fact i need to leave behind all that which make me stuck in the narrow land of poverty consciousness. to go for the highest, travel light. i remember i feel like a queen as hwubby and i sing a raucous and joyous dayenu. i look at all those mental stuff, habits, tendencies as the plagues that veil me from experiencing who i really am.  i pass them over. from that seder on i feel so hebrew. why not? i am a boundary crosser. i am definitely an israelite. of course. i wrestle with god day and night. and so, chag sameach. good yentiv. may we always remember who we really are and where we ought to live.

not getting caught up in the finite

today's meditation is one of those when there's nothing to do but to take refuge again and again and again in the breath flow. towering thought waves suck attention under their massive momentum. they sweep awareness brutally along. i am literally under water at the wild mercy of mental activity. at the times when i catch myself reacting to the thoughts with more thoughts i manage to tenuously cling to a thread of breath. from the horizon of this vast turmoil i hear a faint recurring echo. it will go away. i will sit through this. and so i do. while it is a struggle i emerge from meditation with a renewed sense of watchfulness. i realize what would happen if i don't strive to stay close to the breath as much as i can. i would block grace and be unable to see what i ought to see. whatever the contents of the mental activity and even though they feel so real and do contain some grains of truth, like rare grains of gold in a huge mound of sand, they distract me from being connected to my own true nature, from taking what are reflections in the mirror of consciousness to be consciousness itself, from getting caught up in the finite waves in the infinite ocean of consciousness.

thanksgiving dream

i come out of a dream the night before thanksgiving. in a blink it disappears from my consciousness. i make an inner effort to stay quiet and still, both body and mind. the sound of the easy breath flows through my awareness. after a while the dream returns like cascades of gentle waves.

here it goes. hwubby and i are in usa for one day. i cram in as many spiritual activities as i can into the schedule. i pack a small glass container of food and a wallet that holds papers and money. then i have to pass through a crowded place to get the chanting venue. i emerge from the crowd only to find that i have lost both the money and food. the clock is ticking away. i am missing the chant. i start to cry and that's when i flip out of the dream. i find myself feeling safe. all that anxiety in the dream are...so unreal. what a reversal in the states.

happy thanksgiving. so much to be thankful for.

love my fellow yogis

back to doing spiritual practices with fellow yogis after a two-month absence. love it. the eight of us pour our whole being into the practices, be it chanting a vedic hymn or singing om or meditating or...eating. about singing om. this time i consciously shift the note after several rounds. as i rise to a higher note i hear waves of beautiful harmonics sweeping into my consciousness. our individual sounds come together. mystical alchemy happens. blossoms of grand resonance appear, sustain and dissolve in a comforting rhythm. soon i experience no difference between the resonance outside of me and the reverberation within me. i am filled with waves of sweet and spectacular resonance. i hear my own resonance pulsing through my entire being while the vast symphonic sound undulates everywhere in my awareness.

and then shivaa feeds us to beautiful, pure food. a bowl of azuki bean soup permeating shittake aroma gently fills the belly with yummy nourishment. a dollop of fresh whip cream, infused with maple syrup and vanilla, over upside down apple pie provides the perfect sweet note to satisfy the body and mind. i love my fellow yogis. we check in with each other on our spiritual wellbeing. we don't gossip but we support each other's spiritual growth. we pray together in one voice with one intention.

i couldn't be happier to be back with them. love my fellow yogis.

let the mental cloud pass

hwubby says, meditation is so beneficial. i say, how so? he says, it reminds me of who's who and what's what. he absolutely nails it. he goes on to say, in the last hour i notice how a thought can turn into worry and anxiety and i don't have to do that. i say, that's what sages mean when they say, don't go there. he says, yeah, i am seeing more and more what the scripture says is true, you're neither this nor that. i say, that's right, you're neither worry, nor anxiety, nor 'no worry, no anxiety,' you are quite simply light, consciousness and bliss. he says, yeah, it's like the thought is a screen between me and god, my higher self, inner self, whatever i call it, or a cloud, and the cloud will pass and i can push the screen from right to left.

hey, power to hwubby.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont

i refuse to be tossed around.

there's always something. if it's not one thing, it's another. just when i think it couldn't get any worse, i have to go through another sleepless night. then no sooner than i say to myself, okay, it is what it is, marvelous development lands in the inbox. i check in with my inner self. nothing has changed. the inner self is as it always has been. nothing can add to it, nor subtract from it. and so it is i find myself calm, quiet and clear. taking in each moment as it is. thankful for all the opportunities to sharpen and strengthen the connection with my inner self, to anchor in the sky of pure consciousness, rather than being tossed around, physically and emotionally. i refuse to.

let them come. let them go.

just as i can't predict whether i'll dream tonight i can't predict what mental tendency will come up in meditation. this morning it's aversion. i don't like this. i don't like that. i don't like this about hwubby. i don't like that about hwubby. meanwhile the body is in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture, the breath is flowing in and out with ease. then a teaching that i'm exploring comes to me. i am a mirror. my life is a reflection on the mirror of consciousness. indeed. reflections look real but they are not real. yet they are not far from the reality. after all, i am consciousness, pure consciousness. all these reflections are passing through the body. let them come. let them go. what do i need to do? just watch them come and go from the place of 'i am.' all those reflections are grace that illumine all that which is unnecessary and must burn away.

feelings of unworthiness are expressions of yearning

i have a teacher dream, a teaching dream. it digs out entrenched tendrils of unworthiness.

here's what i remember so far. i'm walking with a few classmates from secondary school, laughing, carefree when i see my meditation teacher coming out of somewhere picking people to study with her. i watch other people being chosen, feel some envy, inadequacy, and then i'm being picked as well. but, instead of being grateful i focus on trying to get a seat at the table as close to the teacher as possible. then i go away, do something, and proceed to return. i find myself being delayed by unseen forces. upon return the study has already begun. the whole table is full except a spot at the end. the teacher turns to me, beams and says something. i can't recall what she says. in the dream i am all worked up about having to sit at the far end of the table. as a matter of fact, the table is not that big, just regular size. i'm not paying attention to the study at all. then comes a pause. a big scene in an ornate bathroom with heavy, carved wooden doors. then i'm walking back. the teacher comes out from around a corner. what unfolds then is a scene where she, i and a couple of girls sitting in a cozy gazebo, hanging out. she leans back, puts her feet up. and mostly, what i am thinking in the dream is, why am i not sitting next to her? after a while, someone passing by notices the teacher, starts talking to her. she gets up in mid-sentence. i wake up.

this morning's meditation i see these long forgotten unworthy feelings in the tween years, teen years, young adult years. i had no name for it back then. i couldn't see it for what it is. i thought it was because i was not enough, not good enough, did not have enough. though now i understand that such feelings are really expressions of my yearning to connect with inner self which is worthiness itself. instead i tried to find something, someone to make me feel worthy. over and over and over.

i am once again reminded that those impressions are not totally wiped out from my consciousness. not yet. so i have to be gentle with myself when they come up. don't beat myself up. don't even ask why. just be aware of it and determinedly direct attention back to the breath. hwubby says, yeah, that's turning away from darkness, towards light.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.

another old habit

here's a habit that i still have a lot to work on. holding grudges. i awake this morning to a state of mind that is like an old record stuck in a groove. a particular thought and feeling towards a person about things that are in the past. and this person, may she rest in peace, is dead. i manage to meditate for 2 hours. a lot of it is without regular consciousness, i.e. some sort of meditative sleep. i come out of meditation feeling clearer and lighter. the strangle of the habit is no longer strong enough to seize me. i just watch it. it is not influencing, much less controlling, my thought, speech and behavior.

the inner self takes care of the mystical and pragmatic.

i am finished with the simple hatha yoga stretches, moments away from sitting down to meditate when, quietly, one after another, reminders and instructions come into my mind. all have to do with taking care of affairs properly in a timely fashion. i jot down the keywords and only the keywords just to jolt my memory when it is time to execute them. but for now i move on keeping my eye on the task at hand. meditate.

it takes a while to calm down the mental activity. but it happens. the cumulative power of my practices lift me up and carry me through. little by little i settle into the rhythm of the humming sound of the breath. off i go for two hours to be with my inner self. in a subtle manner i experience moving through a range of consciousness levels. some are deeper than others. some are higher than others. but they are all part and parcel of my vast mystical world within. it's an awesome feeling.

without a doubt the inner self takes care of mystical experiences as well as pragmatic affairs. there's no separation. i have them all.

hold-cation. snug-cation

it's so very sweet to hold each other and snuggle into each other before getting out of bed. the stillness in the air complements the stillness within just right. the separateness between the individual consciousness and the supreme consciousness seems like a vague, unreal notion even if it occurs to me. right now i am enjoying the joyous abundance of togetherness. the warmth and tenderness permeating my consciousness, our consciousness, draw forth strength and stamina. that is real to me.

hwubby says, we love holdcation. we do.

new era

wide awake at 2.40. all i can think of is to get up and meditate. i end up sitting more than two hours. feels like stepping into a new era.

as i enjoy the breath ever deepening and lengthening i sense this inner clarity becoming more refined and subtler. i can see things i didn't see before. case in point. there were beautiful lights in a meditation experience recently. that much i am certain. but there is something about the experience that i can't quite grasp. until now. i recognize i am watching the lights kind of like looking up from the depth of ocean where shafts and swathes of refracted lights wave through the gently moving waters.

it's all so very alive. peaceful and dynamic all at once. it's telling me something. i feel a closeness to them like they are my immediate family. no, it's like they are parts of me. i can trust them. they have no other purpose but to help me to transform, to become what i can be from what i am.

it dawns on me the ocean is none other than my consciousness. the lights are rays of my inner self. they are lovely. they are glamorous. they are what i want. they are what i have. they are what i am.

my meditation teacher says, we meditate not to attain god from outside. we meditate to become aware of god within. this is my humble experience.

hooked on meditation.

two hours of sweet, sweet meditation. the body is definitely hooked. i couldn't have kept roaming in the increasingly lengthening and deepening breath if there were not things to do.

for sure the low dose restlessness that's been forever in the body is mostly gone. i feel so comfortable in the easy lotus posture that there is not an iota of desire to shift in any way. there's a lightness in the mind beyond measure.

i am definitely becoming more and more aware of the sound of yhvh in the breath. yud. hay. vav. hay. real as can be. it's a feeling of awe and security at the same time.

today's chai is that little bit more yummy. i don't need it. but with a bright and free mind aloft in a clean and quiet consciousness i enjoy it even more.

healing lights all the way

i meditate for about 2 hours. i can't get over my posture. so comfortable. so upright. so still. on one hand i have to give credit to my effort. on one hand i know there's a gentle force holding it in place and it comes from deep within. i watch the force doing its thing. i feel it. i am in awe. i love it.

i digress.

this morning my friend is having a surgery. to remove a brain tumor. i hold her in my awareness. i send healing lights. healing lights fill up the surgical theater. healing lights flow through everyone on the surgical team, surgeon, anethesiologist, nurses, and so on. healing lights permeate all the surgical instruments and equipment. healing lights infusing the tumor. healing lights in my friend's breath, consciousness. healing lights permeate the operation from start to conclusion. healing lights all the way. healing lights all around.

ashram schedule from ancient time. inner pandora. 38m + 10m

i say to my spiritual practice buddies, i described to swamiji what we do here, hymn to kundalini, hymn to rudra, omming, meditating, and so on and so forth, and swamiji says, this is ashram schedule from ancient time.

amidst everybody's hearty laughter shivaa says, did you tell her eating is the main thing?

humming to a new fabulous low. 45m + 18m

the extended humming sound is kind of like...a stent. yeah, like a stent opening up a clogged artery. only this hummm is even more fabulous. it opens up inner space. it really makes me have the experience that my inner space has no boundaries.

hey, why should it? there are one hundred billion galaxies in the universe outside of me. there are one hundred billion neurons within me. my inner universe is every bit as grand and splendid as whatever universe there was, is and ever will be.

everybody's birthday. 45m + 18m

7th day chinese new year. happy birthday to me and all.

counting my blessings. i'm so fortunate, so fortunate. an even sense of contentment and gratitude pervade the breath, and flow into all corners of body, mind and consciousness. the sweetness and lightness of being are so tangible. priceless birthday gift.

may all experience abundant peace within.

old tendency in clever disguise. 45m + 28m

fascinating to see how an old tendency comes back in a new way, subtle way.

it goes like this. hmmm. i don't know what to blog about. i don't have any meditation experience.

oops.