occupy south san francisco

what's going on here? when? where? here's the scoop. a couple of hours before the flight to hong kong. in my cousin's living room. hwubby is making decisions on what not to take. not. to. take. my cousin is really great. he would say something along the line of 'may i make a suggestion?' 'if this is not absolutely necessary...' meanwhile i'm like, what's this? just when i'm about to get upset, well, actually, already a little bit, sort of, upset, a surge of bright and joyous energy overtakes me and i hear these words spring out of me.

welcome to occupy south san francisco.

after a nice laugh, we, or more accurately, hwubby, keeps moving. believe you me he actually eliminates more than half of the stuff. as i am typing this in hong kong there is a huge packed suitcase sitting somewhere in my cousin's house a pond away. he's such a generous guy. so is his wife. i know for sure they won't send us a bill for storage. :)

they are indeed out of this world generous. come to our house to pick us up. we walk into the door to a incredibly thoughtful and delish meal. fit for king and queen to embark on their royal travel. a nourishing homemade pork soup with meaty shittake, bean curd sheets and gentle chinese herbs, steamed fish, chicken with ginger sauce. the highlight of highlights is poached fresh shrimps. trust me, the best part in such shrimps is the head. you suck it till dry. the flavor profile covers the whole range from deeply rich briny to lightly sweet. needless to say i finish off the last ones of the two and a half pounds. and also wipe clean the bottom of the dish holding my top fave chinese homey vegi dish, hairy squash, dried shrimps and mung noodles. where am i? yes, my generous cousins. then they just let hwubby be. occupy their living room. dispensing much needed advice in sweet and lighthearted ways. for entertainment there is my delightful niece as a halloween banana. it couldn't have been a more perfect sendoff. thank you, agnes.

happiness generator. doggie.

i am not a dog person but i have to say this one really tugs my heart. look. i walk into the rabbi's house for torah study. what catches my eye before the rabbi's beaming, welcoming presence? a caramel-gold bundle wiggles on the floor, partly hidden behind the couch. turns out it's his new dog. a four month old golden labradoodle. i wish i could take a photo of him standing on hind legs, placing the front ones on the rabbi's thigh while the rabbi is singing the praises of yhvh. his eyes can be barely seen from underneath the soft gold fur. his wet tongue practically swinging and swaying in sync with the rhythm of the rabbi's singsong prayer. i can picture this sweetie having his own yamulke and tzizit. my rabbi is one of those rare beings who knows his life purpose and utterly comfortable in his own being. having said that i can see this little puppy brings a special flavor of joy to his heart. i say as much. he says, yes, he is a happiness generator.

and that brings to my mind another lovely happiness generator. true story. this person had to move. the circumstance was such that she couldn't take her dog. so she prayed, please let me find a place for her, the right place. nothing happened. nothing seemed to be working out.

the moving date was drawing near. she kept praying. one day while she was walking the dog a couple and their child appeared from around the corner. the child saw the dog and cried, doggie, doggie. the parents looked at the dog like they just ran into god. the long and short of it was their child was autistic and had not uttered a sound since birth. until this 'doggie' moment. need i say more about how the story ended? and that brings to mind some words from my guru. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender. 

a joy to behold.

how to tell whether a teacher is good, or great? look at the student. here's the example. this person says, nine months in a year i don't have time to see my friends, now it's summer i have to catch up. i size up this young man and say, how come? she says, i'm in this choir throughout the school year. what kind of choir is that? i've been in it for twenty years. what? yeah, i began the first year in the university. a choir in the university and you're still with it? so happens that i know the choir director. i really love her. she is this embodiment of creativity and discipline in joyous harmony. by the way her name is joy. how do you like that. her name is an honest reflection of what she is. vibrant joy. back to this twenty-year choir member. she is a computer engineer by profession. her devotion to music, to the teacher, to the practice infuses everywhere in her life. she has this lovely house of beautiful bones. the garden is pleasing to the eye and mind. from a chinese eye, the chi flows nicely through the rooms. she has a keen appreciation of energy quality, that's for sure. she saw it and bought it just like that. i have forgotten she has a terrific sense of humor. we have so much laughter and fun whenever we run into each other, me in my pj and her arranging her gorgeous flowing chestnut hair before going to work. she sings the teaching of welcoming to perfect pitch. she says, joy is a very important person in my life, she says i can stay in the choir as long as i stay with the full rehearsal schedule, so i'm in the university most nights of the school year. keep in mind she has a high power full time job. i'm not even going to go into the variety of interests she devotes herself to. and she does it all with such ease and...joy.

such are the qualities of a great teacher. such a teacher is a joy to behold and a big boon to humanity. i'm so proud and thrilled to have both as my friends. lucky me.

starting from square one. a higher square.

since meditation is about working on invisible stuff like habitual tendencies, limiting concepts and ideas, and so on and so forth how do i measure progress given my day-to-day meditation experience is mostly subtle. here's what i come to. it's kind of like i can't see and touch time but i can measure the impact of time. o, fig branches are bare. it's winter. o, fig branches start bearing fruit again. so it's spring. in a similar way i watch my thoughts, feelings, reactions. i don't take things personal anymore because i know with unshakable faith that nothing anybody does or say add or take away the fullness of my own self. naturally, then, it's easier for me to stay calm in otherwise what my ego self would consider upsetting. in fact, over the course of my teenage and young adult years there was this unyielding anguish that relentlessly gnaw at my heart. there were times it was so intense that i thought i was a hair close to going insane. now i know it was an expression of my earnest yearning to connect with my own self, the boundless place of inner calm, strength and joy. i didn't have the concept nor the language to comprehend what i was going through. i went through aborted attempts to set up a meditation practice, meaning there were times it really felt like i wasn't making any progress what with endless frustration and tumultuous mental turmoil. but the truth is i never really gave up. i keep coming back to it, starting from square one. now as i reflect on it, i see that i started on a square that is deeper and higher than the previous one. i just couldn't see it in the moment.

relaxed alertness. even-keeled joy.

as i marvel more and more the crystalline clarity and purity of the visuals in the dream, how refined and luscious those figures of smoke are i realize why the scriptures call this physical body gross. that doesn't take away the holiness of this body, the temple in which we know our own true nature. it's just that i have the experience of what is real. in this morning's meditation it is so clear that the space into where the exhalations dissolve is both within me and holding me. i no longer get frustrated because the mind can't wrap around it. i gently place attention in the movement of the incoming and outgoing breaths, don't try to force anything or judge anything, like, am i doing the right thing, should the inhalations be longer, shouldn't i equalize the inbreaths and outbreaths. blah blah blah.

the other thing i realize recently is i have not been taking enough time and care to come of meditation. because the mind kind of has this habitual way of judging my meditations. o, it's not deep, you are aware of your body, you don't see thunder and lightnings and angels. so usually when i hear the timer i take a few rounds of deep breaths and get up from the asana. what happens is i would get drowsy and even dizzy during the day. but since i have been giving time and attention to bring myself out of meditation my energy during the day is steadier. there is a heightened sense of alertness in a relaxed manner. i am tied tighter and tighter into this state of even-keeled joy. it's so easy now to enjoy things and people and not get attached or bothered.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont

i recognize inner self in everybody

awake i am this morning to this happy feeling. no particular reason. simply happy. i get even happier as i get closer to meditate. dare i say i get excited just thinking about meditation? twenty years ago if someone said, there's a place within you that has so much joy, so much courage, strength, so much good stuff, i would roll my eyes and say, yeah, right, really.

not anymore.

today no sooner than i place the legs into an easy lotus posture i see this uplifting, light feeling streaming and swelling from the lower body up. i get it. this is the sense of freedom. this is priceless. this is what i really am. the inner self. hwubby says, yeah, i just feel the sense that i am god and it's so humbling. indeed. it is from this place that i recognize this inner self in everybody.

my inner self is my most loyal ally

wherever i am my own inner self is. if i don't remember anything else remember this one. truly speaking if and when i remember this i'll be able to remember what else i need to remember in that moment. there is so much joy, so much courage and strength in my inner self. it's thrilling just to remember that i have all of that. i take my inner self with me wherever i go. it's my most loyal companion, ally. and phenomenally patient too. if i don't hear it when it whispers it shouts. if i don't see it it keeps finding innovative ways to get my attention. case in point. i've been saying to myself, get rid of all expectation, just do whatever necessary at hand. so i've been waiting for a piece of mail. i was told that it went out on 6/2 when i called the company on 6/4. i figured it would take at least three days since it was coming from philadelphia. two and a half weeks later i discovered it at the bottom of a pile of mail. the date stamp was 6/3. i realize i wasn't paying attention because i was expecting it to come not so soon.

the body is a garment that the soul wears

two days ago i was taking care of a situation when i suddenly caught myself head under water in sad feelings. the whole thing involved elderly relatives going through physical deterioration. i knew enough by now not to brush it aside, ignore it, nor indulge in it. it took quite a bit of willpower to shift attention to the steady pace and sound in the ocean of the breath. gradually i moved into the stance of being aware of the sadness rather than being it.

in this morning's meditation i see the message from my inner self. there is a place of pure joy within you. go there. indeed it is the truth. the body is a garment. all garments go through wear and tear. on this note my meditation silk pants are so worn out and yet it's just hard to let it go. in a silly way part of me says, you can't meditate as well in other pants. in a sort of similar way i am attached to the body, equating it with existence, with life itself.

my first wake-up moment along this line was when i was dressing the body of my muimui (younger sister) for her funeral. my mind was preoccupied with one thought, this looks like my muimui, her skin is as fair as ever, but where is she? i had no word for it but it was clear that something left her body.

the body is a garment that the soul wears. i have to take care of it. but the essence of me is the inner self. this is the truth. this is the truth. this is the truth.