i learn so much from this young person

the night before a workshop hwubby runs into some technical issues. so he does the only thing he knows how. he sprints to the apple store. it is fifteen minutes before closing time. the guy assigned to help him says, don't worry, we'll get it done. and he does. hwubby says, he knows what he's doing, he's smart and focused. hwubby likes to find out about people. so he says, what do you do other than this? hwubby doesn't recall how the transitions goes. but very quickly the young man says, i have brain cancer. it turns out that for ten days every month he is sick as can be because of the chemo. yet he is a student, he works at the apple store, he lives by himself, he is at peace with the cards dealt him.

frequently hwubby and i have the great good fortune of meeting people who live a pure and courageous life without saying so. they live by their shining examples. really. i learn so much about acceptance and living in the present moment and staying focused on the task at hand just by hearing how this young person carries himself.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

i am praying so hard

i am praying for the courage, compassion and clarity to deal with the latest challenge, a health crisis in the immediate family. i pray for the strength to keep remembering again and again i am equal to the challenge. i pray for the sustained focus and fortitude to stay in the present moment. i'm praying for god to be on my side. i pray that i am on god's side, walking the path one small step at a time, impossibly difficult as it might look like at times.

my inner self is my most loyal ally

wherever i am my own inner self is. if i don't remember anything else remember this one. truly speaking if and when i remember this i'll be able to remember what else i need to remember in that moment. there is so much joy, so much courage and strength in my inner self. it's thrilling just to remember that i have all of that. i take my inner self with me wherever i go. it's my most loyal companion, ally. and phenomenally patient too. if i don't hear it when it whispers it shouts. if i don't see it it keeps finding innovative ways to get my attention. case in point. i've been saying to myself, get rid of all expectation, just do whatever necessary at hand. so i've been waiting for a piece of mail. i was told that it went out on 6/2 when i called the company on 6/4. i figured it would take at least three days since it was coming from philadelphia. two and a half weeks later i discovered it at the bottom of a pile of mail. the date stamp was 6/3. i realize i wasn't paying attention because i was expecting it to come not so soon.

my inner self is like a crystal vase

my teacher says something to this effect, no matter how much one describes love, one can't fully convey the experience of love. this is how i feel about describing my meditation experience. for a start i can't even say by what means i arrive at this exquisitely quiet place. is it diving? plunging? rising? gliding? how do i explain a place that is dark and bright all at once? on one hand i am aware of the body with all its contours and limits. on another hand i am definitely in a place that has no horizons as far as i can see. the place is wide open. yet it feels full as well as spacious. the silence is sublime. a steady throb subtly reverberates. it's the vibration of strength, the resonance of courage, the wavelength of pure joy, the frequency of supreme fulfillment. and then they blend into a harmonic sound of gratitude. yes. i come out of formal sitting meditation and this thankfulness keeps on bubbling within. how fortunate i am to be able to be with this treasure within. i walk into the kitchen and a surprise wonder. morning lights are choreographing a magnificent dance off the grand crystal vase on the table by the window. my inner self is sort of like a super grand crystal vase emanating these beautiful lights that shine through me.

meditating for a courageous friend

i dedicate today's meditation to a friend who just found out there's a tumor in her brain. this comes a few months after she buried her husband who fought cancer for several years. she doesn't want anybody to know about it. so i am quietly sending her support and blessings. may the vibration of courage, strength and tranquility continue to be with this person who always exudes joy, kindness and is so much fun to be with.

aum. peace. peace. peace. may it be so.