contentment is what i am

i dreamed last night. now i realize it's about two tendencies. envy and jealousy. actually they are siblings. kind of twins. anyway, in the dream i'm with kar yan, a girl in my secondary school. she has a stable, nice family. her parents provide for the children and devote to their education and wellbeing. so there i am in my dream world. i am staying over at her place, a clean, bright, spacious apartment. that's heaven to me considering i live in a shack that has a leaky roof over a concrete floor on which everything take place. kar yan has long, shining, black hair that run like a waterfall. mine is short, curly and unwieldy. we are packing to go some place. her father helps her with the packing. i look at them and wish he is my father. so i don't realize i am pooping directly into the beautiful mocha color cashmere coat that i am wearing. i feel terribly embarrassed. inevitably i have to get up and get going, fully expecting i am making a fool of myself in front of everybody, only to see piles of jewels roll down the coat lining. at that moment i come out of the dream.

fortunately it doesn't take long for me to figure out what's going on. my sustained spiritual efforts elevate me to a vantage point where i can see the root cause of envy and jealousy. disconnecting from the inherent contentment that is my own nature.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

pastrami through the eye of inner self

what can i say about my meditation experience today? a little deeper into my own inner self. a little higher into my own inner self. what do i mean by that? not that i don't have thoughts. i have them. i see them. some are negative. some are positive. but what's fascinating today is i realize i don't care about their contents. i don't have the impulse to go after them and ask questions like, why do i have this thought? why does it come up now? in fact i see how random they are. and fleeting too. they really are fast as lightning bolts. now i see them for what they are i am just aware of their coming and going from afar, anchored in the vast shelter of my own inner self. there's this real sense that i am rooted in this strong, clear, bright and open inner quiet. i feel safe. now that i am getting more used to being in this state i can't imagine i would want to go back to where i was. but here's the funny thing. back when i was in that state of getting swept up and tossed around in the torrents of thoughts, feelings and emotions i thought that was the only way to be. last night hwubby and i went to this deli in portland, oregon to try their hand-made, home-smoked, hand-sliced pastrami. i say, good pastrami. hwubby doesn't like it so much. he says, it's not new york pastrami. i contemplate on this. i realize in hwubby's mind, he sees pastrami through the thoughts, feelings and emotions of a new yorker, a brooklyn boy. if i may say so he doesn't see this home-made pastrami through the eye of his own inner self:)

they run out of momentum unless i feed them

hwubby says, i have this realization. i say, what, what? tell me. he says, i am aware of the moments when i have these anxious, negative thoughts and stuff. but what about the rest of the time when i don't have them? that is what i have to be aware of. that is like an ocean and the anxious moments are little islands. when i am stuck on an island i am not aware of the ocean.

that's so great. and i would attempt to go another step further to suggest that those moments of anxious, negative thoughts and stuff are foam. they look real up till the moment they run out of momentum and dissipate. unless i feed them.

inner self is the one constant through yo-yos

awakened from a dream of gripping anxiety, all about getting lost, can't find my way home. it feels so real that i forget that it's not real.

meditation this morning is bright, clear and a deep sense of security. looking at the dream from this state i realize all those times when i was caught up in worry and fear in their whole range of shapes and sizes i forgot that they were all but dreams. the one who is aware of the dream is the one who is watching this meditation. my own inner self is the one constant through all the yo-yos.

i come out of meditation bursting into my favorite song after torah study meal. 'the entire world is a narrow bridge. the main thing is not to fear at all.' halleluja.

nothing, nobody adds to or diminish the inner self.

i realize something as i wrap up another two hours of being with my priceless inner self through meditation. i listen better as a result of making efforts to stay with the humming sound in the breath. by the way it's not that the inner self goes away when i am not in formal sitting meditation. it's the mind getting caught up in thoughts, feelings and the body in actions that i forget that the self is always with me.

for a long, long time i was filled with anguish about this. where is god? by and large, the anguish is gone because i know from my own experience that god is in my breath.  nobody, nothing can take it away from me. not know how.

and so i hang on to this understanding with my dear life as i look at the retirement account statements that are showing losses. in the end they are situations to take care of. they don't add to nor diminish the inner self. and only when i am firmly footed in the open quiet and clarity of the inner self can i take care of them properly.

even good insights can take me away from being with the self

it never ceases to amaze me what i can see that i didn't see before when the mind is immersed in the quiet and clarity of the inner self. case in point. a while back i received the response regarding a proposal i made. it was a 'no.' since then i moved on.

so there i am meditating away in robust, dynamic contentment, my awareness aloft in the divine humming flowing through the easy breath and, voom, i see it. i see where that 'no' was coming from. it was a justifiable 'no' given the circumstances at that point in time. but between then and now things have changed. and so, if needs be, i can go back to the person and ask for reconsideration.

then the real challenge rears its head. i can feel excitement roar and thunder. along with it agitation and restlessness in the body and mind, like, i can't wait to write this all down, tell hwubby all about it, and so on and so forth. all pushing the mind to keep going with more thoughts and feelings. very tempting indeed. it is in such a moment that i really appreciate the cumulative efforts i've been putting in to anchor my awareness in the true purpose of meditation. to be with the inner self. no more. no less. having insights that guide me in worldly affairs is fine but i have to keep my eye on the ball. or else even good and helpful insights can, in the end, take me away from the real goal. to realize i am the inner self. no more. no less.

i can plan ahead better when i am in the present

there i am meditating in the sweet vibration of the vedic hymn, aloft in the quiet ocean deep of the breath and i see clearly an insight illuminating on something i'm working on in the novel. i write down the key words and return my awareness to the breath.

a little while later i begin chanting a sanskrit sacred text of 182 verses with my bright and marvelous yogic community. on one hand i am into it with all my body, all my mind, and all my might. one another hand one bright and clear insight comes after another. they are all instructions or questions that guide me to properly take care of certain life situations, some of which have long term implications . in fact i can see subtle things beneath the surface of circumstantial twists that i didn't see before. i am able to connect dots in a surprising way. you bet i write all of them down. i have to apply all of my will not to keep going with them but return again and again to the chant.

as i am meditating after the chant, soaking in the waves of subtle reverberations, a realization comes up. i can plan ahead better when i am in the present. to be in the present is no different from being connected to my inner self. the implication is huge. now it makes sense to let go of worry. worry takes me out of the present, disconnecting from the inner self. and i would end up doing dumb things, being foolish.

why don't i remember dreams? 38 m + 7 m

i don't remember most of the dreams i have had. in fact for a long time, what i could remember, at best, was the quality of them. stuffed with worry, fear, anxiety, panic, smallness and their extended family.

so when rabbi lerner asks us, why don't we remember dreams, i really perk up my ears because i don't know and i want to know.