panchakarma sets new baseline

photo by nat

hwubby has this one line response when people ask him, what does panchakarma do for you? he says, panchakarma sets a new baseline for how healthy and well i can be. so, simple. i like it, i hear the ring of truth in it but i don't really get what it means for me. now i do. here's what happened. for last two days i was in a full-immersion meditation retreat in ashram. by the way while i was meditating 7 hrs a day and chanting om namah shivaya several more hwubby was in stockton having a grand time in a glorious music festival. i was invited as well. it was a wonderful and tantalizing event but my heart just can't say no to  being able to meditate in deep silence with fellow meditators, drink and eat and breathe the sound of om namah shivaya. never ceases to amaze me that i would have such an unconditionally supportive hwubby. om namah shivaya indeed.

anyway, what am i supposed to be talking about? right, panchakarma, new baseline. from the get go let me pat myself on the back by saying i do have a pretty strong meditation practice. i thought i was doing really well, having all this marvelous connection with my innermost and highest self, fantastic insights, beautiful visions and so on and so forth. but, wow, my experiences in these last two days have been like, looking at  wall-to-wall high def screen....no, better yet, retina display, no pixel can be detected whatsoever, after watching a good quality one for a long time. it was excellent before but now it is off the charts clear, vibrant. another metaphor is this. looking into golden gate bridge from east bay after a huge storm when the air is squeaky clean, dust free. and, believe me, i had a few 'sky is so clear that i can see forever' moments before.

i can say that i was basking pretty much in this abundant state of consciousness the entire two days.  the truly stunning thing is it feels so natural, so easy, that i am really surprised that i didn't feel this way before, like, how did i live before this. i can truly see through inner eye that the qualities such as joy, courage, strength, steadfastness and many more are not stuff that i have to look for outside of me. there is this greatness shining inside me, this cosmic mansion that is bright as a thousand suns glowing in my center. like cloud activity that is constant in the sky, mental activity brewing from deep-seated tendencies come and go, form and dissolve. but they are not me. i am that cosmic mansion that is always shining. boundless. untouched. unchanged. i am within that and that is within me.

photo by nat

i have no idea how panchakarma works to help get me to this place but i can say for sure it has somehow dissolved that deep-seated tendency to worry. well, i shouldn't say that so soon but the tendency to worry has definitely much, much weakened, so much so that i can relatively effortlessly choose not to let it get in the driver seat of my thoughts, speech and emotions. now, for me, that is true freedom. it's like wonder oil has cleansed the lens of worry-dust through which i perceive the world.

in another few hours it will be time to commemorate passover, when the jewish people were led out of the narrow land through divine guidance. welcome to pesach, suk wah. it's time to move out of narrow consciousness for good. worrying is not what i am made of. believing otherwise is ignorance. and somehow the ancient sages in their profound meditation they saw that. what's even more astonishing is that they could see that panchakarma, with all that oil drinking, could play a role in dissolving this malignant tumor. this is why ayurveda text says the true goal of panchakarma is moksha, liberation.

(TOOK A PAUSE TO MAKE VEG FOR 50+ PEOPLE TONIGHT.)

photo by nat

as i was preparing food for tonight's seder i remember a recurring image that came to me in meditation in the last two days. it goes like this. i am looking out from a moving car's window. place is new york city. fifth avenue? well, wherever fendi the store is. for my friends in india, fendi is this long-time institution in italy this is widely regarded as among the top best in designing and making fur. anyway one garment in the display window absolutely catches my eye. i see it in meditations no less clear than i saw it then. a snow white, beautifully made hoodie. i love a nice hoodie, especially a nice and white one like that. this one has a special elegance that is beyond words. it is then that it dawns on me that this one is made of mink. a white mink hoodie. now that's what i call truly quietly expensive. what was i thinking at that moment? it goes like this. no, i couldn't afford that and even if i could it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a hoodie. what am i thinking when i see it in meditations? firstly, i don't need another hoodie. secondly, i see that those thoughts came from poverty consciousness that foments unworthiness, worry and their relatives. once i get this i look at this object with a new eye. i appreciate its beauty, craftsmanship and boldness. i have a strong sense that i already own it.

so, let me say it and say it again with a delightful yiddish flavor. let me get my tuchas out of mitzrayim already. dayenu. dayenu. may it be so.

photo by nat

    

as a matter of fact i am happiness

friends ask, what do you do in the retreat? i say, we sit and be quiet. that simple. and radical too. for the most part of the two days no sooner than the facilitator says, close your eyes, than i go straight to a place of no linear time, no words, no sense of dimension. just a mass of bright serenity, joyous contentment. more often than not i experience my awareness descending at super high speed into the depths of my inner being. it's all very subtle.

there was a time when i came out of meditation upset that i missed the meditation instruction, that i must have not meditated. seriously. of course i was also upset that i didn't have any dramatic experiences. where's the light? thunder? visions? i would feel so disappointed and then envious when others described  their super audio-visual experiences. not anymore. i have come to appreciate my own experiences. really. i notice there are so much less mindless wanderings. i am able to step back with ease from the tendency to worry, to project into the future. when we are chanting a long mantra praising the qualities our own true nature i actually vividly sense that yes, i am not the thoughts, feelings and emotions. my senses are open and functioning but i am not dependent on sensory pleasures for my happiness. as a matter of fact, i am happiness.

the first thing i notice at the end of the retreat is this. where is that lifelong nagging restlessness? and what about the doubting voice? i don't expect they vanish for good but i know now that they are not in the driving seat anymore.

i see the door frame. i see the sword.

this week so far has been one big test. in one form. here's how it goes down. on the dot at three, or four, or somewhere in between, i stumble out of sleep. the mind is awake. the body is totally still. nothing wrong so far, right? but i can't find an iota of will to summon the body to move. not even wiggle the pinkie. it has taken me two days, almost three, to admit this openly. since monday the heart flutters periodically. thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with, what else, fear and worry, come through. yes, i can tie one reason or another to each and every one of them. but none of them stick. they come and go like foam and froth in the ocean. this night, as i huddle myself in hwubby's warm embrace and he is trying so hard to listen to me even though he is barely awake it dawns on me this. i am looking at naked fear itself. worry is fear's first cousin. so is regret. there was a time, a long time, when i would get sucked into a panic mode or angry and end up creating a mess which i had to clean up. on the pragmatic level it's a huge waste of time, energy and resources. on the spiritual level does it take me closer to my own true nature? yes, if i could see it for what it was and let it go. but, no, when i took it for what i was. nonetheless those experiences have now become benchmarks as i walk the path of exploring my own true nature. i see that i am not sucked into these mental turmoils so quick like before. i look at them and i know they don't add to nor diminish the inner self.

this is the second week i am studying this verse in breakthrough.

what was needed at all times
was full faith and surrender.
if the door frame is low
then bend your head and walk through it.
if a sword is brandished before you
then lower your head; otherwise misfortune will result.

looks like i am able to see the low door frame, i can see the brandishing sword. 
i say that's progress, suk wah.

worry is toxic. inner sky is ever bright.

so-and-so says, please call this person, she is worried. honestly i have no problem calling anybody. but the energy of 'worry' is dark and toxic. it is fear-based. not only that it doesn't help anything and goes nowhere it actually pulls you down, drains you and veils your vision so you don't see what you ought to see. it really makes things worse. hwubby is on a long road to recovery. my back is hurting. i have to conserve and protect whatever energy i have to make sure he is on an irreversible path to full recovery and i am taking as much care as i can of myself. truly, the only unfailing source of comfort comes from meditation. there is this wave upon wave of comfort gently arising from deep within permeating everywhere, washing over the exhausted body, going right into the bones and beyond. i eat it everyday. never tire of it. this is what truly nourishes me. this is what keeps me going. this is what holds me in proper perspective of things. nothing diminishes or adds to my inner self. clouds of worry may bring about a downcast. but it's an illusion. my inner sky is ever bright.

have i mentioned worry blocks grace? if i have, this is to remind myself that it does. big time.

let the mental cloud pass

hwubby says, meditation is so beneficial. i say, how so? he says, it reminds me of who's who and what's what. he absolutely nails it. he goes on to say, in the last hour i notice how a thought can turn into worry and anxiety and i don't have to do that. i say, that's what sages mean when they say, don't go there. he says, yeah, i am seeing more and more what the scripture says is true, you're neither this nor that. i say, that's right, you're neither worry, nor anxiety, nor 'no worry, no anxiety,' you are quite simply light, consciousness and bliss. he says, yeah, it's like the thought is a screen between me and god, my higher self, inner self, whatever i call it, or a cloud, and the cloud will pass and i can push the screen from right to left.

hey, power to hwubby.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness

a lot of mental activity come and go in this morning's meditation. no wonder the sages say, thoughts travel faster than light. one moment there's a thought about oakland, california. in the next moment is another thought about hong kong. i catch myself getting swept up in it when i feel a little dizzed out from the mental twirlings and swirlings. i know i am in a sort of crisis mode when i see the mind getting stuck in a cantonese popular tune about a compulsive gambler. i am about to be sucked into the worrying, anxious, fearful, insecure mode. meanwhile the body is still in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture. i am still vaguely aware of the rib cage movement. so i summon the will to turn attention to the breath. i take in a deep one, watch the chest expand and then the belly, follow the long outbreath all the way into the natural stillness into which the exhalation merges. then, in a subtle way, i experience the sweet security permeating me. it lasts until the next inbreath begins and the next thought appears. but just a sip of this sweet possibility energizes me. i'm, once again, in the vast, open sky of the inner self with clouds rolling by. clouds are temporary things just as mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness.

with fellow yogis like these i might just get fully realized:) mmmm.

so happy to be doing the practices with fellow yogis who are committed to know the self, to be with the self, to meditate on the self, and to see the self in each other. hey, it makes it that much juicier to eat great food that is infused with the self of shivaa. honestly, i'm not a big fan of cole slaw and guac but i have no problem swooping up shivaa's cole saw and guac. for the cole slaw she tosses in orange, roasted walnuts and figs. the dressing has orange, ginger and sesame. all this take out the thinness and add some yang to yin. her guac strikes the balance between creamy and textured. the subtle flavor of avocado comes through elegantly against the backdrop of onion and cilantro, which have big and bold flavors in their own right so it's not easy to find the alchemy between them and the delicate avocado. shivaa always hits the sublime spot. scooping it with sweet potato chips completes the entire spectrum of taste profile. a shining example of fullness in simplicity. what about the kitcheri soup? peanuts is a surprise touch. i always like a nice tweak. kitcheri is such a meditator's staple. it's good to grow the list of variations to freshen up the simple combo of mung bean and rice and water and spices.

vito generously provides 'dessert' in the form of a spectacular piece of spiritual teaching. everyone gets a copy. one person reads a paragraph. anyone who wants to say something can do so. it's such a great opportunity to practice listening, listening without judgment and definitely no, no, no to the 'fix it' mode. the writing itself is simple, straightforward. what resonates with me is that staying present in the moment is being in the fullness, abundance of the self. and so the measuring gauge is simple. when i catch myself worrying, that is so obviously off the present moment. rather than go on worrying i choose to return to the present, return to the inner self, who and what i am. i try to articulate all this with inadequate words. my fellow yogis listen with such kindness and patience as if what i am saying is the only thing that matters to them right then. the ever thoughtful and wise laura says, when you do that you open up the space for magic to happen. you nail it, laura.

we are a great group. it never ceases to amaze me how fortunate i am to be in the presence of such great seekers. at moments when i catch myself off the self it's the cumulative support from them and the practices that take me through the speed bumps. my inner self is full and complete but i cannot walk the journey all by myself. with yogis like these even a fool like me can fantasize to get fully realized this lifetime:) hey, why not?!

inner self is the best planner

planned to be in tahoe for 3 days. ended up 10 days. i'm not complaining. it's a heavenly place and i made progress with the rewrites. having said that i am aware of the piles of worldly tasks that await. so in this morning's meditation i have to really summon that thing called willpower, which comes from the inner self, to pull back attention from being sucked into worrying and anxious thoughts. after a while i am settled into the flow of the sound of the easy breath while watching the mental activity come and go. the outbreaths are so long and deep and releasing. each exhalation takes away a little more of the worrying tendency that is based in the sense of separateness from the inner self. i emerge from meditation knowing i am in a calm state, my true state. the body is relaxed. i see what task needs to be taken care in this moment. preparations for spiced milk, tea, lamb bone soup. as i am mortaring the spices and chopping ginger i see the essential to-do for the two weeks ahead. solid and clear. this is effortless planning.

i feel much better. thanks so much, my inner self. you're the best planner.

inner self is the one constant through yo-yos

awakened from a dream of gripping anxiety, all about getting lost, can't find my way home. it feels so real that i forget that it's not real.

meditation this morning is bright, clear and a deep sense of security. looking at the dream from this state i realize all those times when i was caught up in worry and fear in their whole range of shapes and sizes i forgot that they were all but dreams. the one who is aware of the dream is the one who is watching this meditation. my own inner self is the one constant through all the yo-yos.

i come out of meditation bursting into my favorite song after torah study meal. 'the entire world is a narrow bridge. the main thing is not to fear at all.' halleluja.

i'm not the worry

hwubby says, do you ever have the sense that you are one with everything? i say, i don't know, that's kind of vague for me, do you? he says, i have these moments when i don't feel i am not attached to anything, everything is changing, keeps changing, i'm watching.

love it. i would adjust slightly to 'aware' rather than 'watching.' why? because 'watching' implies some sort of engagement. sort of like, i'm inside the house going about my business and it is raining outside. i don't drop what i am doing and watch the rain although that's a lovely thing to do too. i'm referring to the thoughts and feelings, whatever, that ripple in the mind. like, right now, as i am typing i am aware of traces of worry, whatever, pass through the mind. i'm not even interested in saying, don't worry, or, what is it that i'm worrying about? i'm not the worry. period. i'm the inner self.