cold shower and meditation.

make no mistake i am not going so far as to say this dry-scrub-cold-shower thing is pleasurable. i hear somewhere that if you can endure the first minute you'll love it. suffice to say it feels like that first minute has no end to it. but, somehow, there's a steady spring of determination from within pumping me to go ahead with it, stay with it.

this morning's meditation is an effortless deepening of my awareness into the space between breaths. in a clean and quiet way there's a subtle opening between the breaths as i roam in the place where inbreaths emerge and outbreaths disappear. this place holds my body. this place exists within my consciousness. there's a refreshing coolness gently blowing through the body and the inner universe. at the same time my limbs, particularly fingers, palms and arms are full, like warm water balloons bouncing in a steady, comforting rhythm.

i have forgotten to make a note that i notice a difference in tone and texture of skin, head to foot. awesome.

'off the mark' is away from the present moment

the way i see the purpose of the high holidays, as the rabbi teaches, is to examine those parts of me that were 'off the mark' last year. i love the beautiful and fantastic singing and praying and dancing that is a big part of the high holiday tradition. they really cheerlead me. it's like the sweet syrup in medicine. it's not pleasant to look at what i did, what i said and what i thought that were not true, kind, necessary and appropriate. but the singing and dancing make it easier to go through the discomforts, help me to stay connected to my inner self which is the source of kindness, courage, strength and joy. then it's not a matter of who's right, who's wrong, who's hurt me, i don't like this or that, i don't think i can make it, this is too much, or too little. blah blah blah.

in this morning's meditation i can see some thought waves of worry, anxiety about the coming day and weeks. i can see the tendency to feel daunted looming and hovering. with every inbreath i take in a fresh dose of sweetness and goodness from the universe. i rest in the open quiet during the brief pause between breaths. with every outbreath i sweep out a little more of the entrenched tendency to feel daunted and contracted. i watch the mind going through some activity. just that. what about the contents of the mental activity? they have nothing to do with what is in the present moment.

ahhh. the present moment is the bull's eye. 'off the mark' means the shooting arrow of mental activity sends me off the track of present moment.

someday i may thank the barking dog. not just yet.

hwubby asks, how's your meditation today? i say, it goes well, how's yours? he says, really good, getting clearer and clearer on who's who and what's what? true. i go into meditation today after a night of disturbed sleep. some neighbor's dog barked all night. it helps somewhat with the earplugs. i can see myself getting angry with the dog parent and the mind yelling things like, be a responsible dog parent, that's what you signed up when you decided to have a dog. blah blah blah. this would not be a good state to be in. then, as i sit through the hour-and-a-half i can see some alchemy happening little by little. the anger subsides like the morning fog. every inbreath absorbs a little bit of it. every outbreath takes away a little bit of it. by the time i'm ready to come out of mediation i know what i'm going to do. i'll go to the person who knows what's going on in the neighborhood, and actually hwubby suspects the dog belongs to one of her family members, and i'll say to her, politely and firmly, since you know everything and everyone in the hood, i need you help in something, do you know anything about this dog? it barked all night. my husband and i couldn't sleep. hwubby says, what if nobody does anything about it? i say, let's see what happens. i'm just taking care of it as it is as i see it. stay in the present. stay open. it's all i can do. as a matter of fact, it's all i need to do. what else can i do?! someday i may have to thank this barking dog for keeping me connected to my inner self. but not just yet.

mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness

a lot of mental activity come and go in this morning's meditation. no wonder the sages say, thoughts travel faster than light. one moment there's a thought about oakland, california. in the next moment is another thought about hong kong. i catch myself getting swept up in it when i feel a little dizzed out from the mental twirlings and swirlings. i know i am in a sort of crisis mode when i see the mind getting stuck in a cantonese popular tune about a compulsive gambler. i am about to be sucked into the worrying, anxious, fearful, insecure mode. meanwhile the body is still in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture. i am still vaguely aware of the rib cage movement. so i summon the will to turn attention to the breath. i take in a deep one, watch the chest expand and then the belly, follow the long outbreath all the way into the natural stillness into which the exhalation merges. then, in a subtle way, i experience the sweet security permeating me. it lasts until the next inbreath begins and the next thought appears. but just a sip of this sweet possibility energizes me. i'm, once again, in the vast, open sky of the inner self with clouds rolling by. clouds are temporary things just as mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness.