washing clothes. yogic realizations.

big time realization comes anytime anywhere, particularly when i am not expecting it at all. case in point. washing clothes. washer and dryer are beautiful things. but when i have to - actually i choose to - wash our own clothes in vaidyagrama something comes to me in a recurring way. hard stains fade a little on the first scrub, then a little more on the second scrub. you get the pic. sometimes they need to be soaked and let time do the magic. by the way it's really amazing between time and water what miracles can happen. anyway what looked hard and stubborn the night before becomes that much easier to remove.

as i reflect on it i realize the whole thing works kind of like these old habits of mine. okay, there are so many of them. just pick two off the top of my head. addictions to sweets and negativity. they are hard and stubborn stains. stains in the body. stains in the mind. can they be removed? yes....eventually. panchakarma  scrubs the inner oven and pipes, expels the toxins that dust up the mirror of the mind. is there a pill for it? no, there is no quick fix. in the beginning it's hard, can be unpleasant. how hard? how unpleasant? depends a lot of the state of my mind and body. given these habits have been working their butts off for so long they have become hardset stains. the good news is even before the stain is completely gone i am already enjoying the benefits as it gradually fades. negativity is no longer gripping. instead of half a bag of marshmallows i chew up just four. as hwubby says, when they come i am aware of them sooner, they don't take over the driving seat and control how i speak and act. better yet we have the spiritual practices to redirect attention to what we really are. courage. strength. love. fully having the power and capability to choose what is in my best and highest interest.

all this from washing clothes. seriously. 

marshmallows today

the thing i really love about this treatment/program in vaidyagrama is they are equally hands on about medicine and food. doctor actually comes into cooking class to make sure the students, such as me, do not twistarm the kind and sweet cooks into making something not according to the ayurveda way. it felt hard in the moment. what do you mean i can't have sweet after supper?

as i look back now i can see that the docs and cooks and therapists are up against some very entrenched habits in me, like addicting to sweets and overeating.

it's just over three months after panchakarma. i can already see the old habits hovering, looking for a comeback. all right, let me confess, i had three marshmallows this afternoon. all right, actually four. come on, folks. look at the bright side. i could have downed half a bag. am i making progress? you bet. am i there yet? in the words and cadence of my dr harikrishnan, he would pause momentarily and say, eventually, after several courses of treatments.

okay, doctor. we are coming back.

starting from square one. a higher square.

since meditation is about working on invisible stuff like habitual tendencies, limiting concepts and ideas, and so on and so forth how do i measure progress given my day-to-day meditation experience is mostly subtle. here's what i come to. it's kind of like i can't see and touch time but i can measure the impact of time. o, fig branches are bare. it's winter. o, fig branches start bearing fruit again. so it's spring. in a similar way i watch my thoughts, feelings, reactions. i don't take things personal anymore because i know with unshakable faith that nothing anybody does or say add or take away the fullness of my own self. naturally, then, it's easier for me to stay calm in otherwise what my ego self would consider upsetting. in fact, over the course of my teenage and young adult years there was this unyielding anguish that relentlessly gnaw at my heart. there were times it was so intense that i thought i was a hair close to going insane. now i know it was an expression of my earnest yearning to connect with my own self, the boundless place of inner calm, strength and joy. i didn't have the concept nor the language to comprehend what i was going through. i went through aborted attempts to set up a meditation practice, meaning there were times it really felt like i wasn't making any progress what with endless frustration and tumultuous mental turmoil. but the truth is i never really gave up. i keep coming back to it, starting from square one. now as i reflect on it, i see that i started on a square that is deeper and higher than the previous one. i just couldn't see it in the moment.

a lot of hwubby to keep up with

no lacking opportunity to cultivate more patience. check this one out. hwubby is to catch a plane that depart at seven twenty in the morning. days prior he says, i'll pack light. when i go to bed the night before after nine the hallway is still littered with stuff and an empty suitcase. what i can do i have already done. his day's travel food, essential food items and vitamins. what about his wardrobe? well, let me put it this way. he is a spontaneous guy and he has specific tastes in style.

anyhow i awake when he drops into bed. it's a quarter to one. i say, as i see the suitcase still empty in the hallway when i am on my way to pee, what time do you have to leave the house? i am holding back the impulse to say, why are you still not packed? the inner self is signaling me, drop it, leave it, let him be responsible for his own actions. so i follow the prompting. i just say, i'll get up at five. he says, i'll be up by then, i'll wake you up. fine. what happens then? i dream a vivid, bright, fantastic dream. when i emerge from it it is about the same moment he sits up on his side of the bed. i ask, what time is it? after a moment i hear him say, o, no, it's eight after five. boom. we are instantly awake. i hold the burning question until he is about to step out of the house a couple of minutes after six. you didn't hear the alarm go off? he says, yeah, i must have slept through it.

he leaves the house with these. a suitcase to check in, a super heavy tumi briefcase all expanded, a tote bag of food and his l. l. beans shoes stuffed right on top of his lunch and snacks. he says, i just checked, it's snowing in new york. well, really, surprise. all this while i am hovering quietly downstairs, preparing his morning drinks, repacking certain items according to his instructions, and only sparingly asking, as calmly as i can, where are you at? and i make sure i don't announce the time. why? firstly he would say, i am aware of the time, you don't need to remind me. secondly the inner self says, just focus on the task at hand, get him out of the house, and he'll be out at whatever time he'll be out.

aaah. the subtle effect of the tendency to control. bingo. once i recognize it's my tendency to control all that would have irritated and annoyed and agitated me don't irritate, annoy nor agitate me anymore. i just stay firmly in the space of attentive watchfulness.

anyhow, to finish off counting his luggage, there is a fourth bag filled with magazines, newspapers, clippings, envelopes, greeting cards, etc. why? what? how come? all these questions jump around in my mind. the inner self says, forget it, just keep quiet, suk wah.

then he spends a few more moments sorting through a separate pile of cards, clippings. i wait patiently. yes. patiently. i experience this simple quiet as i stand there watching his head lowered in a pondering mode. and i remember this. he came home yesterday from lunch all excited. he handed me a package and said, i got this for you. it's a pink, silk, hand-painted scarf. the woman he had lunch was wearing a similar one in a different color. so he went to the store, and got this one, and before i could say anything, he says something that he knows it's close and dear to my heart, i got the guy at the store to give me a big discount. i stare into his head of beautiful curls and know this. this is a man who loves me, cares about me, thinks about me all the time, asks himself, does wify like this? does this look good on wify? just like that my whole being is infused with a gently sweetness while finally he he raises his head. i gaze into his goose-egged face and big eyes, feel this sweet relief as he hands a card and envelope to me and says, put this one into the plastic folder. and so i do.

of course this whole mishegas - o how i love this yiddish word. it sounds so much sweeter and more adorable than insanity, craziness, madness - won't end without his favorite activity. returning to knock feverishly on the door because, in his words, i forget one thing. usually this would happen two times at least. ultimately, finally, we kiss and i rub blessings over his head and then he's gone. no second return. what an improvement on his part. incremental is good.

six fifteen. a few moments earlier i hear my inner self say, i know what you want to ask, don't even think about it. i swallow the question. now i turn it into a prayer. may you catch the plane and if you don't it's just the way it is, not the end of the world. anyway, at six fifty, i call him. just to wish him a safe flight. he says, i'm on the bus to the airport. i couldn't help it anymore. i hear the words flow out. are you going to make it? he says, o, yeah. all right. we'll see.

seven twenty two. i think to myself, i'll call him. if he doesn't pick up the phone he's on the plane. o, no. he picks up. my heart skips a beat and sinks into the brief pause on the other end until he says, i'm on the plane and i met this multi-millionaire on the bus. what else can i say but, great, it's so great. indeed, in the end it's all great. i just have to keep remembering that in the roller coaster ride of the moment. having said that, whoa, it's a lot of hwubby to keep up with.

circumcising the heart

i love the tradition of singing certain prayers at a particular time year after year. case in point. this yom kippur this particular phrase in a hymn that has been sung for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. we ask yhvh to grant us the courage and strength to remove the coverings of the heart. circumcision of the heart, if you will. i've been yah-lah-lah-ing this year after year but this time, for a fleeting moment, something about it resonates deep within me. indeed. my heart is pure but there are layer upon layer of covering over it. all habitual tendencies of one form or another. conditionings. accepted social norms. attachments. expectations. unmet expectations. identification with appearances. confusing perceptions with what's real. desire to be liked, to please, to look good. mistaking acquired stuff as true security. panic in the face of fear. blah blah blah. but, enough is enough. they all have to go because i want to be fully-realized. as in yom kippur, i see the image of avraham accepting the covenance with yhvh and circumcised at the age of eighty. to me it means doing whatever is necessary in order to walk with yhvh.

friends ask, are you ok? my heart is fine. the heart is always fine. the rest are just circumstances to go through and things to take care of.

'off the mark' is away from the present moment

the way i see the purpose of the high holidays, as the rabbi teaches, is to examine those parts of me that were 'off the mark' last year. i love the beautiful and fantastic singing and praying and dancing that is a big part of the high holiday tradition. they really cheerlead me. it's like the sweet syrup in medicine. it's not pleasant to look at what i did, what i said and what i thought that were not true, kind, necessary and appropriate. but the singing and dancing make it easier to go through the discomforts, help me to stay connected to my inner self which is the source of kindness, courage, strength and joy. then it's not a matter of who's right, who's wrong, who's hurt me, i don't like this or that, i don't think i can make it, this is too much, or too little. blah blah blah.

in this morning's meditation i can see some thought waves of worry, anxiety about the coming day and weeks. i can see the tendency to feel daunted looming and hovering. with every inbreath i take in a fresh dose of sweetness and goodness from the universe. i rest in the open quiet during the brief pause between breaths. with every outbreath i sweep out a little more of the entrenched tendency to feel daunted and contracted. i watch the mind going through some activity. just that. what about the contents of the mental activity? they have nothing to do with what is in the present moment.

ahhh. the present moment is the bull's eye. 'off the mark' means the shooting arrow of mental activity sends me off the track of present moment.

i'm in shock. i will remember what i need to remember

on the other end of  the cell, my editor says, suk wah, this is tsunami. i say, it's katrina. i just told her about the recording catastrophe. 3 hours of editing on the pages are gone. she says, suk wah, you sound like you are drugged. i say, no, i'm in shock. and yet, in the midst of the numbing shock, i see myself watching the tendency to blame and get worked up hovering far away in the mental horizon. what's really close to me is the rhythmic movement of the breath. on top of all this i'm sitting in the airport on the way to portland, oregon. i discovered the loss about an hour prior. and hwubby and i are traveling with two full suitcases that hold a mini ayurveda kitchen.

back to the loss. i am amazed to see how quiet and calm the inner world is. only one prompting fills inner being: stay in the present. what does that mean? only one thing. how to take care of the situation as it is. i notice how easy and easeful it is for me to hold on to this guiding instruction. i reach out to my editor. she is so great. as we are going back and forth i see the old tendency to get paralyzed and stuck attempting to come back again and again. right then and there i experience what the sages mean when they say, you have a choice in every instant. i can stay with it as it is or i can give up. which way do i want to go? it is in a moment like this that i truly appreciate the value of all my spiritual practices and study. there is no doubt in my whole being that i refuse to go back to the old way. i'm going down the road of transformation. does getting worked up take me closer to full-realization? no. so easy to choose.

after journaling this i'm going to go through the pages and write down in capital letters all that my editor want me to. in this morning's meditation, in supine position on a hotel bed, i keep receiving this message: i will remember what i need to remember.

me and my inner self, we go places

there i am getting started to reconcile the bank statement. and...boom, i am tested. what do i mean by that? the opening balance is four grand off. the first thought that explodes in my mind says, that's impossible, it was fine when i reconciled last month. for a fleeting while i go blank. the next thing that i am aware of is the rhythmic movement of the breath. just like that i find myself watching the sky of the inner being. it is vast and open and bright and clear. sure there are dark clouds going by. they say, o no, suk wah, you screw up, you can never fix this, blah blah blah, so on and so forth, the usual stuff. but i am not buying into it. i see my entire being settling into a state of calm, confidence and focus. i clearly feel a power steadily surging up from within. supporting me. anchoring me. i feel fluid and flexible. i see the tendency to feel stuck appear. i ask myself, is this who and what i am? no. no. no. i know, from deep within, i am equal to the challenge. i swiftly deepen and lengthen the breath. after a little while i begin to regain a sense of stability. with that i hear one prompting after another from inside. take a pause from it. i follow it. i go into the kitchen, sit down and have some mango. nice, juicy, golden mango. it never ceases to amaze me how magical mango is. as i am absorbed in the nectarean nature of mango i hear the next inner prompting. reconcile the personal account and credit card statement first. i decide that's a smart move. why hold up the process because of a glitch?! i finish the last morsel of mango flesh. i feel so much better. i return to the computer and reconcile the personal account statement. it goes smoothly. no sooner than i hit the 'done' button i see this thought. check the opening and closing balance. i know exactly what it means. i'm doing july. take the june statement. compare the opening and closing balances with those on the quickbook register. if they don't match go back to may. i do that. may is off. i go back to april. still off. then it's march. bingo. the opening balances match. that's it. i pore through the march transactions. within seconds i see where it's off.

hwubby says, you're such a good investigative detective. i say, yeah, me and my inner self, we go places. my inner self says, yeah, there's a solution within every situation, you just have to stay in the present and listen.

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.

i have independent happiness

there's another habitual tendency, and, oh, by the way, hwubby's teacher said 'habitual' with her french accent, and it really makes it sound more appealing that it really is. but i digress. this is the tendency of 'taking it personal.' hwubby says, yeah, you think you are the center of the universe and the world revolves around you. well, i am the center of my universe. but i tend to forget that everybody else has their own universe and i am not the center in them. so i may not like what they do, i may not like how things turn out but they really have nothing to do with me, they don't take away nor add to my self worth.

case in point. i arrange the morning's schedule so that i can help a friend. just when i am about to step out the door she calls and cancels it because there is another person that she really wants to see and so-and-so is only available at last minute for a specific time frame. i say, fine, it's fine. later i ask myself, do i really feel fine or simply being nice? i think the on-the-spot response has a whiff of 'being nice.' but as i look deeper i really don't see any resentment, not even a trace. i'm not kidding. i expect to see at least a little bit of it.

a couple of days later. in meditation i see what happened. my only agenda is to offer help in a way that works for me. i don't carry any expectation how it would turn out, what's in it for me and so on. the intention comes from my own inner self which is always full and perfect and free and pure. as a matter of fact i actually feel happy that my friend gets to see somebody that would make her happy. wait a sec. nope. i feel happy because that is the nature of my inner self. i have independent happiness. i don't have to count on something else, somebody else in order to be happy. hoooh. what a relief.

i already have the crown jewel

hwubby says, i'm having these moments being really quiet, easeful, not 'exciting,' buzzing, nothing like that, just easeful, relaxed and a sense that 'nothing's in the way.'

since i'm a one trick pony i take this as an articulation of an experience being connected with the inner
self. well, to be more precise, an experience being the inner self for that's what i truly am. the body and all that habitual tendency are but wardrobe. i may like this garment better than that one. that's fine. but i am not the garment, not even if it's haute couture from prada. my grand-teacher says, i don't need anything but i can have preferences.

i have my fashion magazine moments when i sit on the toilet bowl. then i would say to hwubby, look at this rock from harry winston. he says, do you want it? i say, nope, i look at it and that's enough. the truth of the matter is i already have the crown jewel. my own inner self.

hey, wait a sec. i am the crown jewel. hwubby says, yeah, shining wify.

slave consciousness and habitual tendency

as the israelites wander through the wilderness again and again they say, to the effect, moshe, why did you take us out of egypt? being slaves is better than this.

in this simple mind this is a classic example of habitual tendency working. rabbi lerner says, you can take a slave out of egypt, aka narrow consciousness, you can't take egypt, aka narrow consciousness, out of a slave. so true. the slave circuitry is still very much ingrained in their consciousness. the new circuitry of being free people is fragile. what about moshe? he was raised as a prince. his mind is not gripped by slave consciousness. he is one-pointedly focused on following through yhvh's command. his faith is unshakable and unwavering. it's a good thing. but the bad news is he doesn't understand the workings of habitual tendency. he honestly believes that once the israelites are no longer slaves in the outer circumstances that's the end of it. oy-vay.

as far as i am concerned, the only way i know how to weaken the grip of habitual tendency on my thoughts, feelings and action in an enduring manner is to cultivate and strengthen the connection to the inner self. with each meditation i chip away at the habitual tendency another little bit. the tendency will come back but i will be in the driver seat.

habitual tendency and bamboo

sometimes i can't help but wish, o, please, i've been working so hard on this habitual tendency, can it go away for good, please?

but, of course, i know i have already made a lot of progress from way back when i would have these yo-yo swings. one moment i am ecstatic and thinking, this anxiety, that fear, such worry are gone forever. unfailingly there would be another moment when i am down and low because i say, i thought i had already got rid of this, why is this coming back to harass me now? what did i do wrong? did i do not enough? blah blah blah.

between then and now i have made a shift in understanding in terms of the nature of habitual tendency. they are sort of like bamboo roots. here's how it works. i think, in fact, i am positive i have removed all of bamboo roots. come next growing season i see a little bamboo shoot coming above ground several feet away from where they used to be. in that moment i feel such a failure. jen, a friend and bamboo nursery owner says, that's the way they are, they keep coming back. i say, man, what should i do? steeped in experience and knowledge, jen says in a clear tone, you nib it when you see it. i say, how long will this go on? she says, could be a while.

that's the way with habitual tendency. when i see it looming in the periphery of awareness i make a conscious inner effort to turn away from it, dive into the sound and motion of the breath, tie my attention to the light of the inner self. in this way i'm not feeding it, i'm nibbing it. meanwhile i hold  the understanding that it will come back. but i'm not worried. it will be smaller and weaker. i will be in the driver seat. not the habitual tendency. case in point. yesterday there was a surprised shake up in a set of circumstances. yet i notice the tendency to get angry and anxious come up in a wimpy way. i barely throw a glance at it before i put my attention back into the present. where the inner self resides.