a moment of life well lived.

millions of lives can be lived. but for what purpose if there's no breakthrough? break what through? break through what? what is breakthrough? really. eight days into the high holy days i realize every stronger than before that all i want is to simply stay anchored in my own true nature. there's only one question to ask if i had to make a choice about something. does this take me closer to what i am? or missing the mark?

for instance, yesterday i was scrolling down the long list of email subject lines trying to look for a particular one when something catches my eye. someone in the congregation is recovering from surgery and she would appreciate calls or emails since she can't be at the high holiday services. all at once an explosion of competing forces jams my attention. no, no, no, you have so many things to do, you are behind, you don't really know this person, she won't even know who is sending her the email, don't embarrass yourself. i can't deny that there is a kernel of truth in all this jumbo mumbo of thoughts. i am running behind and the task list keeps growing. so i 'stay focused', finds what i am looking for and proceed to move forward on that task. there's nothing wrong with that. yet something keeps tugging me. a soft little voice. thirty second email. just do it. after a few rounds i get it. i am just caught up in residual tendency. my heart simply wants to sends a wellness blessing. that's all. it's the ego who is concerned about whether that person actually remembers me or not, or whether she values my blessing or not. before i know it, i feel this surge of willpower from deep within. i break through the grip of mental conditioning, glide into my heart and send forth a simple yet abundant blessing. it feels so right on the mark. it feels a moment of life well lived.

teaching dream

one nice dream after another. two in one night. my teacher comes in the latter one. i am sitting at a big, round table at the back of an expansive hall with people. we are kind of shooting breeze, very laid back. i see my teacher. she is walking in a steady gait across the hall, sort of from my right to left. as she gets closer to me i see three dolls tucked into her backpack and she is in walking shoes. i say, have a nice walk. she beams, comes to the table, and starts talking to us. she pauses behind each person momentarily. as she gets closer and closer to me i feel more and more self-conscious. i can't hear what she is saying. it seems that she is saying nice things to other people. soon after coming out of the dream i realize it's the residual tendency to feel inadequate, worthless and comparing with others.

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.

deadliest residual habitual tendency

a dream. i'm walking by the back door of a hall where my meditation teacher had just given a public program. two of my classmates from secondary school in hong kong are with me. my mind is open, quiet. the door opens wide and my teacher walks out. pure lights stream out from her. sweet, gentle lights. warm, bright lights. sublime lights holding hints of all hues in the rainbow. i pause in my track. in the dream i have no expectation other than enjoying her presence the way it is. out of the blue she turns in my direction, walks a few steps forward, and with a beaming smile asks me directly, is there a bus? i take it seriously and say, yes, it is at...she cuts me off with a delightful chuckle. i realize she is joking around, loosening me up. then she hopskotches away, singsongs, i have two hatha yoga teachers.

i tell hwubby all about it. he says, it sounds like a happy dream. i say, yes. no sooner than i said it i felt a whisper in the far horizons of awareness. no, you can't be that happy.

right away i see it for what it is. the deadliest of all residual habitual tendency. unworthiness with its extended family like inadequacy, not-enough, not good enough, not have enough, etc, etc, etc. i just watch it while holding my attention tight as i can on the flow of the breath. i'm determined not to feed it with any other thought. period.

habits are neural circuitries

favorite activity. snug-cation, hold-cation, fold-cation rolled in one with hwubby before meditation. couldn't imagine nicer preparation than this. pretzel up and supple up the body.

hwubby says, it's so fascinating. i watch these negativities come up, not strong, just kind of making their way in. i can really see them for what they are. habits. old habits. i breathe in, pray to god and they go away. then they come up again. i breathe in and out, pray to god and they go away. just like that. i say, yup, where the light goes, darkness dissolves.

gone are the days when i thought once i turned away from a negative tendency it's goodbye once and for all. nope. that's not how habits work. they are neural circuitries. they don't just go away forever. but they weaken over time as i build up the meditation energy deposits and new circuitries. for instance i still see the fear of a mouse sprinting out from some unexpected corner when i walk into the kitchen. but it is no longer strong enough to control my thought, feeling, speech and action. now it is a residual habit. it's only going to get weaker and weaker unless i feed it. instead, i watch it, breathe in deep, let the light of the inner self shine through and get on with what i intend to do in the kitchen.

miracle hwubbies, miracle food. miracle buddies.

i'm walking through shivaa's gardens ready to rock'n roll another evening of wonderful and marvelous meditation, chanting, studying and... eating. so there i am oooh-ing and aaahhh-ing at the abundantly blooming roses and who leaps into my vision but norm's beaming, welcoming presence. of course i'm opinionated. i think my hwubby is the best of the best but i have to say norm comes in a really close second:) this is his day off and he is totally blissed out having us taking up his house for a greater part of the day. he is always happy, really happy, infectiously happy. i say, hey, what are you doing? he chuckles, i'm mowing and i'm happy. there you have it. meditation in action. he's humble too. such a great combo.

we chant amidst veils of rose scents rolling in through the windows. gives an extra lift to the vedic hymn. feel it in my voice. feel it in our one voice. 

shivaa puts me in charge of getting her garden greens into the salad bowl. i almost ruin it. i see some pretty little lavender blooms sprinkled around the lettuce leaves. i just jump to the conclusion that they are overgrown weed that got mixed up into the lettuces. so i ignore the little nudge from within that says, ask shivaa, and toss them into the food scrap tin as i break up the lettuces, dill, fennel. the refreshing scent coming off the bowl builds and builds. shivaa throws in mango chunks, instructs me to add cranberries, raisins, roasted peanuts. i say to myself, i'm doing such a good job. and i hear shivaa say, where are the thyme flowers? ooops.

here's the thing. being around generous spirits like shivaa makes it that much easier to not get sucked into the tendency to beat up myself. it helps that much more to weaken the impact of negative tendency when i am around dedicated yogis who understand that nothing takes away or add to the inner self and so accept me as i am along with all those, let's say, residual habits. an even greater thing is they care about me enough to call me in moments of forgetting and disconnecting from the inner self. case in point, i am kind of rambling on and ruth, in her clear and bright voice, kindly says, get to the point. love it. i'm truly fortunate to have buddies who are so present.

as we share our reflections on our spiritual journey we listen to each other with an open mind, laugh our hearts out and munch our way through those yummy dishes that shivaa skillfully prepared with so much sweetness and thoughtfulness. the lima bean soup is sublime. the shittake base infuses an ethereal fragrance to the earthy, creamy soup that looks like molten alabaster. it's a beauty to behold with petite peas floating, red quinoa, carrot bits. taking it straight up to the seventh heaven with an inspired move shivaa made a mint yogurt chutney. i slurp down two nice bowl-fuls besides hummus with tapernade and chunky quacamole with a touch of tangerine. it's a miracle that i could meditate after all this for no reason other than they are truly miracle food.

miracle food. miracle buddies. lucky me. inner growth, truth growth, has never been easier. and fun too. lots of yuummy fun.