even fools can have spiritual experiences

have to come out of meditation abruptly. not a pretty sight. lingering headache. at several points in time i catch my attention completely caught up in everything that my own great self is not: impatient, exasperated, wishing things could be different.

but while i am in meditation i am anchored and afloat in this wide open, lovely space within my own being.

no wonder the teacher says, again and again, to the effect, that even fools can have spiritual experiences but what counts is whether i can hold the experience while i am not sitting cross-legged.

i have access to boundless strength and clarity

today's meditation is mostly....thought waves. and jolts of impatience. at several points i feel like i am on the verge of either exploding on the spot or i must get out of meditation. i summon up all the will i can gather and forcefully breathe in deep and breathe out long. again, again and again. eventually a tiny flash of insight shines forth. fear of uncertainty. discomforts of not knowing the outcome. then mysterious alchemy happens. the unbearable intensity of discomforts comes down little by little. i end up meditating almost two hours, feeling more anchored in my inner self, filled with the conviction that i have access to boundless strength and clarity.

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.