olympics, meditation

at this stage in my life i am appreciating the olympics through the eye of a meditator, someone who wants to attain self-realization. huuuuf, there i said it. by the way, am i going for the impossible? hey, why not aim for the highest.

as i revel in the performances of olympians this is what goes thru the mind. wow, such resolve and determination they have. what sacrifices they have endured to come to this point. so much blood, sweat and tears they must have poured forth over a long period of time. i hear that michael phelps practiced all days of the year for years. i know i ought not to compare. but i really can't say i have been doing what i need to do as a spiritual student with that kind of unyielding, uncompromising tenacity and focus. for a start, i meditate six days a week, sometimes even five. on one hand i say to myself, you have to be gentle with yourself. on another hand, using a metaphor, do i want to skip having food for a day?

soon after seeing this thought i realize a couple of things. first, don't compare. just don't. it's toxic. if i had to compare, why don't i compare with my own progress, how far i have come. look at these gorgeous fruits. the plants bear fruits  in their own pace. do i ever say this makes one fruits better than the other?

second, to realize the self is a life goal. it is smart and wise to treat the body and mind in such a way that i can sustain doing the practices and study over the course of a lifetime. self-realization is not a quadrennial event with a fixed deadline.

thirdly, and sweetly, i don't have to wait until completely and irrevocably self-realized to enjoy the fruit.  on the contrary as i continue to do the practices regularly sweetness keep arising from within. the sweetness of strength, the sweetness of courage, the sweetness of contentment, that golden experience of being satisfied and fulfilled, tasting the priceless gem of love.

prasad. blessed sweets

there are a handful times during our six and a half weeks in vaidyagrama when we actually had food that was sweetened with sugar. NO, not meals. definitely, absolutely not in the daily food. doctorji says, we don't cook for the tongue, we want your digestive system to rest and your liver to work as little as possible during panchakarma. so food in vaidyagrama is what in the west would label as 'high carb, low protein.' I am not exaggerating when i say one patient said, you are starving us. the truth of the matter is, according to ayurveda, i'm told, the ideal food protocol during panchakarma is this. two meals a day. boiled veg. kanji, meaning rice and water. it might sound unbearable. but i have to say, it really grows on me. after a short while i have to beg dr harik, pls, may i have kanji three times a day? no kidding. hwubby says, you have to understand how much suk wah loves to eat.

i discover that the natural flavors and tastes of veg comes through delightfully and enticingly by boiling them. this has made a huge shift in the way i cook now.

for those who are concerned with protein deficiency, don't you worry. there's plenty of mung. now at home we are eating mung in one form or another everyday. it's a must-have for hwubby's breakfast.

in addition, one of my daily meds is a cup of hot milk, that is freshly drawn from a cow on the grounds, and comes with a sweet med. on that note, we are so lucky in east bay. raw milk is available in berkeley bowl. it's at arm's length literally.

all right, what am i talking about? yes, divine sweets. periodically brahmin priests come to the grounds to perform pujas. The core purpose of any puja is to invoke grace, express gratitude for blessings bestowed upon us, pray for harmony, wellbeing for all, strength and courage to move through obstacles, both within and without. most of all we ask for divine guidance to connect with our own love, our divinity, within and see the same love and divinity in everything, everywhere in the universe.

it is the tradition to offer sweets that are specially made for the puja. here, if i recall correctly, it's rice, nuts, pure sugar cane juice, cardamom, ginger, turmeric. an offering to cows on that day in the year when we express our thanks to these phenomenal beings who work hard, serve mankind with quiet steadfastness and make miracle food from humble source. no exaggeration.  they eat grass and produce milk.

anyhow, such is the power of blessed food. it is infused with the nectarean vibration of the hours of vedic chants. truly sweets from seventh heaven. no wonder even doctor ji allow us to partake it during panchakarma. unless you are going thru some intensely intense treatment, like drinking ghee.

cold shower

never say never, you never know. that's what i heard when i said to myself, there's no way i can take a cold shower. as a matter of fact before the last word in the declaration is over i already regret it. and so i take a deep breath and roll my eyeballs and mumble to myself, all right, we'll see what happens. turns out it's a a sunshiny day. i have to go out, walk around, take care of a few things. after walking around under the warm and blue sky for a while i feel easy and open and happy that i had got everything done. there i am, walking down my street, and i see a very dear neighbor, ms williams's, little red bug. o, she's in the house, i think to myself. hey, why don't i knock on her door and see if i can take a shower in her house. immediately i get a response within. it's warm enough. i do see a little resistance. i watch it. it's like morning mist. damp and cold. but it burns off soon after the sun pops up. when it's my usual shower time i take a look at the late afternoon bright golden shine outside the bathroom window. i am so ready. true i am sort of dashing in and out of the shower but i do it, hairwash and all. as i dry myself i feel an invigorating sensation gently rising from within and covering the skin. just like that i am that much more connected to my own courage and strength. i feel clean on physical as well as subtle level. and that's the thing about following guidance from my inner self. all grounds are covered. it's not there's spiritual life and here's the worldly life. it's just one life.

starting from square one. a higher square.

since meditation is about working on invisible stuff like habitual tendencies, limiting concepts and ideas, and so on and so forth how do i measure progress given my day-to-day meditation experience is mostly subtle. here's what i come to. it's kind of like i can't see and touch time but i can measure the impact of time. o, fig branches are bare. it's winter. o, fig branches start bearing fruit again. so it's spring. in a similar way i watch my thoughts, feelings, reactions. i don't take things personal anymore because i know with unshakable faith that nothing anybody does or say add or take away the fullness of my own self. naturally, then, it's easier for me to stay calm in otherwise what my ego self would consider upsetting. in fact, over the course of my teenage and young adult years there was this unyielding anguish that relentlessly gnaw at my heart. there were times it was so intense that i thought i was a hair close to going insane. now i know it was an expression of my earnest yearning to connect with my own self, the boundless place of inner calm, strength and joy. i didn't have the concept nor the language to comprehend what i was going through. i went through aborted attempts to set up a meditation practice, meaning there were times it really felt like i wasn't making any progress what with endless frustration and tumultuous mental turmoil. but the truth is i never really gave up. i keep coming back to it, starting from square one. now as i reflect on it, i see that i started on a square that is deeper and higher than the previous one. i just couldn't see it in the moment.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont

refreshing and reaffirming conviction

i say to myself, there was a relatively peaceful period yesterday that lasted into the evening but that was then, now is now, do not compare, stick with what is. indeed what's been unfolding in the last five weeks or so is an intense experience of practicing staying anchored in my own great self. there i see steady strength, detachment from expectation of outcome, and aloft in deep tranquility, cool and calm. this morning's meditation is refreshing and reaffirming my conviction in this experience.

i am praying so hard

i am praying for the courage, compassion and clarity to deal with the latest challenge, a health crisis in the immediate family. i pray for the strength to keep remembering again and again i am equal to the challenge. i pray for the sustained focus and fortitude to stay in the present moment. i'm praying for god to be on my side. i pray that i am on god's side, walking the path one small step at a time, impossibly difficult as it might look like at times.

i have access to boundless strength and clarity

today's meditation is mostly....thought waves. and jolts of impatience. at several points i feel like i am on the verge of either exploding on the spot or i must get out of meditation. i summon up all the will i can gather and forcefully breathe in deep and breathe out long. again, again and again. eventually a tiny flash of insight shines forth. fear of uncertainty. discomforts of not knowing the outcome. then mysterious alchemy happens. the unbearable intensity of discomforts comes down little by little. i end up meditating almost two hours, feeling more anchored in my inner self, filled with the conviction that i have access to boundless strength and clarity.

going for the sky and beyond.

3 am. doing my oral thing i have this experience of me watching suk wah getting sucked into some negative mental activity. watching suk wah being pulled here and there by this concern and that worry i could't believe i had lived like that for so long.

then in meditation as i sit comfortably in the body for 2 hours i realize i am having this priceless direct knowledge of who i am and who i am not. i am definitely not that one who identifies with the thoughts and feelings. i am the one who watches with great patience and understanding and clarity and strength. physical strength. mental strength. emotional strength.

a few hours later i am on my way to lake tahoe, taking in the spectacular vista of swathes of alpine trees. they all soar straight up going for the sky and beyond. so am i.

my inner self is my most loyal ally

wherever i am my own inner self is. if i don't remember anything else remember this one. truly speaking if and when i remember this i'll be able to remember what else i need to remember in that moment. there is so much joy, so much courage and strength in my inner self. it's thrilling just to remember that i have all of that. i take my inner self with me wherever i go. it's my most loyal companion, ally. and phenomenally patient too. if i don't hear it when it whispers it shouts. if i don't see it it keeps finding innovative ways to get my attention. case in point. i've been saying to myself, get rid of all expectation, just do whatever necessary at hand. so i've been waiting for a piece of mail. i was told that it went out on 6/2 when i called the company on 6/4. i figured it would take at least three days since it was coming from philadelphia. two and a half weeks later i discovered it at the bottom of a pile of mail. the date stamp was 6/3. i realize i wasn't paying attention because i was expecting it to come not so soon.

my inner self is like a crystal vase

my teacher says something to this effect, no matter how much one describes love, one can't fully convey the experience of love. this is how i feel about describing my meditation experience. for a start i can't even say by what means i arrive at this exquisitely quiet place. is it diving? plunging? rising? gliding? how do i explain a place that is dark and bright all at once? on one hand i am aware of the body with all its contours and limits. on another hand i am definitely in a place that has no horizons as far as i can see. the place is wide open. yet it feels full as well as spacious. the silence is sublime. a steady throb subtly reverberates. it's the vibration of strength, the resonance of courage, the wavelength of pure joy, the frequency of supreme fulfillment. and then they blend into a harmonic sound of gratitude. yes. i come out of formal sitting meditation and this thankfulness keeps on bubbling within. how fortunate i am to be able to be with this treasure within. i walk into the kitchen and a surprise wonder. morning lights are choreographing a magnificent dance off the grand crystal vase on the table by the window. my inner self is sort of like a super grand crystal vase emanating these beautiful lights that shine through me.

do what takes me closer to the inner self.

there we were gobbling up shivaa's yummy food and reflecting on how to make choices and decisions. i say, i imagine i am dying and my life is flashing across my mental screen. when i come to this particular point i pause and ask myself, what do i wish i had done? what this exercise does, i find, is i can see through the fears in all their shapes and sizes and get at what truly matters. and what truly matters is, as shivaa says, does it make me feel closer to god than i did before i made the choice/decision?

for me, without a doubt, 'closer to god' is no different from 'connected to the inner self.' as every day goes by, the experience of being connected to my inner self builds, little by little, through meditation. when i find myself asking, what is the right thing to do, is this the right thing to do, when to do it, i draw on this measuring meter within. sometimes i know the answer right away because i get this sense of being at ease with myself. sometimes i have to leave the question and the options at the door of the meditation closet and really settle into the humming, throbbing silence of the inner self permeating the easy breath. i don't go into meditation expecting any answer in a certain way i would prefer. i just pray to be on the right track, whatever it is, that which takes me closer to the inner self. and more often than not i find i need to draw on the courage and strength and stamina, forces from the inner self, in order to stay on track. it's not always easy but it's absolutely worth it.

meditation and wheat-free-gluten-free brownies

meditation is so fascinating and exciting. really. there i am enjoying the lovely sound of the easy breath flowing through a comfortable posture when i feel this longing to....make brownies. almost instantaneously i see limiting thoughts rear their heads. no baking chocolates. no cocoa powder. no double boiler. it's a crisis moment. seriously. if it were not for the cumulative effect of the practices i would have gone bananas. seriously. because i would have been sucked into the stormy mental weather. instead, i make conscious efforts to turn attention to the divine humming sound in the breathing movement. soon i hear a message from within. you have what it takes. you know what to do. in another couple of rounds of breath i go a little deeper and higher within. where the source of courage and strength is.

fast forward to after meditation. i feel a gentle prompting from within to go dig deep into the pantry. i follow it. and so it is way in the back behind and underneath provisions i see a small ziplock bag of 4 unsweetened baking choc squares and a few spoonfuls of premium cocoa powder in a can. just enough for a batch of brownies.

as for the double boiler i look at what i have in terms of pots and pans, play around with a few things and discover a small saucepan that has a lip. i place it over a small pot. there i have it. an adorable double boiler.

my wheat-free, gluten-free brownies are...dare i say, sublime. i can't help but amaze at myself:) i mean, the inner self.