backbone of my life

from collection of pujari outfit

i love my daily meditation practice. it is the backbone of my life. i structure my daily schedule around my meditation practice, wouldn’t want to live any other way.

in the shifting sands of life my meditation practice is my anchor.

again and again, deep in meditation i experience profound contentment, happiness, strength and so much more.

over time i find it easier and easier to go about what i have to do in the world while being aware of my innate calm, clarity and certainty.

little by little, i become more and more immersed in this understanding, that when i sit down to meditate with the intention to meditate, then whatever happens is meditation. on some days meditation can be choppy, stormy, whatever. at other times i experience enchanting lights, luminous insights, illuminating visions, or.... nothing. to be accurate, it's beautiful silence shimmering quiet bliss, deep contentment and rock solid recognition of my own strength. coming out of meditation, it never ceases to amaze me, day after day, how fortunate i am to be able to sit for 2 hours quietly. i notice that the understanding is ever fresh, ever full and fragrant.

 i enjoy looking for ways to further strengthen my meditation practice in the same way i fertilize the gorgeous roses in my garden periodically. given california is still in drought i have to be mindful of using water. it's astonishing to see what a bit of weekly soaker-hosing can do to roses. it's astonishing to see how little they need to keep blooming. every week i have more than enough vibrant blooms to put on arati trays and altar.

arati tray

panchakarma sets new baseline

photo by nat

hwubby has this one line response when people ask him, what does panchakarma do for you? he says, panchakarma sets a new baseline for how healthy and well i can be. so, simple. i like it, i hear the ring of truth in it but i don't really get what it means for me. now i do. here's what happened. for last two days i was in a full-immersion meditation retreat in ashram. by the way while i was meditating 7 hrs a day and chanting om namah shivaya several more hwubby was in stockton having a grand time in a glorious music festival. i was invited as well. it was a wonderful and tantalizing event but my heart just can't say no to  being able to meditate in deep silence with fellow meditators, drink and eat and breathe the sound of om namah shivaya. never ceases to amaze me that i would have such an unconditionally supportive hwubby. om namah shivaya indeed.

anyway, what am i supposed to be talking about? right, panchakarma, new baseline. from the get go let me pat myself on the back by saying i do have a pretty strong meditation practice. i thought i was doing really well, having all this marvelous connection with my innermost and highest self, fantastic insights, beautiful visions and so on and so forth. but, wow, my experiences in these last two days have been like, looking at  wall-to-wall high def screen....no, better yet, retina display, no pixel can be detected whatsoever, after watching a good quality one for a long time. it was excellent before but now it is off the charts clear, vibrant. another metaphor is this. looking into golden gate bridge from east bay after a huge storm when the air is squeaky clean, dust free. and, believe me, i had a few 'sky is so clear that i can see forever' moments before.

i can say that i was basking pretty much in this abundant state of consciousness the entire two days.  the truly stunning thing is it feels so natural, so easy, that i am really surprised that i didn't feel this way before, like, how did i live before this. i can truly see through inner eye that the qualities such as joy, courage, strength, steadfastness and many more are not stuff that i have to look for outside of me. there is this greatness shining inside me, this cosmic mansion that is bright as a thousand suns glowing in my center. like cloud activity that is constant in the sky, mental activity brewing from deep-seated tendencies come and go, form and dissolve. but they are not me. i am that cosmic mansion that is always shining. boundless. untouched. unchanged. i am within that and that is within me.

photo by nat

i have no idea how panchakarma works to help get me to this place but i can say for sure it has somehow dissolved that deep-seated tendency to worry. well, i shouldn't say that so soon but the tendency to worry has definitely much, much weakened, so much so that i can relatively effortlessly choose not to let it get in the driver seat of my thoughts, speech and emotions. now, for me, that is true freedom. it's like wonder oil has cleansed the lens of worry-dust through which i perceive the world.

in another few hours it will be time to commemorate passover, when the jewish people were led out of the narrow land through divine guidance. welcome to pesach, suk wah. it's time to move out of narrow consciousness for good. worrying is not what i am made of. believing otherwise is ignorance. and somehow the ancient sages in their profound meditation they saw that. what's even more astonishing is that they could see that panchakarma, with all that oil drinking, could play a role in dissolving this malignant tumor. this is why ayurveda text says the true goal of panchakarma is moksha, liberation.

(TOOK A PAUSE TO MAKE VEG FOR 50+ PEOPLE TONIGHT.)

photo by nat

as i was preparing food for tonight's seder i remember a recurring image that came to me in meditation in the last two days. it goes like this. i am looking out from a moving car's window. place is new york city. fifth avenue? well, wherever fendi the store is. for my friends in india, fendi is this long-time institution in italy this is widely regarded as among the top best in designing and making fur. anyway one garment in the display window absolutely catches my eye. i see it in meditations no less clear than i saw it then. a snow white, beautifully made hoodie. i love a nice hoodie, especially a nice and white one like that. this one has a special elegance that is beyond words. it is then that it dawns on me that this one is made of mink. a white mink hoodie. now that's what i call truly quietly expensive. what was i thinking at that moment? it goes like this. no, i couldn't afford that and even if i could it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a hoodie. what am i thinking when i see it in meditations? firstly, i don't need another hoodie. secondly, i see that those thoughts came from poverty consciousness that foments unworthiness, worry and their relatives. once i get this i look at this object with a new eye. i appreciate its beauty, craftsmanship and boldness. i have a strong sense that i already own it.

so, let me say it and say it again with a delightful yiddish flavor. let me get my tuchas out of mitzrayim already. dayenu. dayenu. may it be so.

photo by nat

    

olympics, meditation

at this stage in my life i am appreciating the olympics through the eye of a meditator, someone who wants to attain self-realization. huuuuf, there i said it. by the way, am i going for the impossible? hey, why not aim for the highest.

as i revel in the performances of olympians this is what goes thru the mind. wow, such resolve and determination they have. what sacrifices they have endured to come to this point. so much blood, sweat and tears they must have poured forth over a long period of time. i hear that michael phelps practiced all days of the year for years. i know i ought not to compare. but i really can't say i have been doing what i need to do as a spiritual student with that kind of unyielding, uncompromising tenacity and focus. for a start, i meditate six days a week, sometimes even five. on one hand i say to myself, you have to be gentle with yourself. on another hand, using a metaphor, do i want to skip having food for a day?

soon after seeing this thought i realize a couple of things. first, don't compare. just don't. it's toxic. if i had to compare, why don't i compare with my own progress, how far i have come. look at these gorgeous fruits. the plants bear fruits  in their own pace. do i ever say this makes one fruits better than the other?

second, to realize the self is a life goal. it is smart and wise to treat the body and mind in such a way that i can sustain doing the practices and study over the course of a lifetime. self-realization is not a quadrennial event with a fixed deadline.

thirdly, and sweetly, i don't have to wait until completely and irrevocably self-realized to enjoy the fruit.  on the contrary as i continue to do the practices regularly sweetness keep arising from within. the sweetness of strength, the sweetness of courage, the sweetness of contentment, that golden experience of being satisfied and fulfilled, tasting the priceless gem of love.

so much gold within

a dream of gold. a teaching dream. in the dream i am in a holy event. the participants sit around tables with assigned seating. there are no name cards. just some gold jewelry that belong to that person. so there i am, going around to search for my seat. i am sure i had put down my jewelry to save myself a seat. i go around table to table. while i am admiring all those golden splendor, o how gorgeous that piece is, o how spectacular this bracelet looks, i cannot find my jewelry. i wake up filled with the question, where is my jewelry, where is my seat? at the same time the images of all those beautiful gold stay with me. as i type this i can still see the purity of all that gold, the masterful design and craftsmanship of them all.

what is this about? i go into morning meditation with this question. very quickly a message comes from within. in the form of a question. who do you think those gold belong to? bing, bong, boom, i get it. all that gold are within me. they don't belong to anyone else. they are part of me, part of who i am. just like that my understanding shifts dramatically and expands exponentially. why do i have to search for gold and find a place to sit when i already have a storehouse of gold within and the most sublime seat in my own heart. 

salutations to chapati, my own chapati

miracle of miracles. i can eat chapati. it has to be my very own handcrafted chapati. but, the point is, i am free from this gluten-free restriction. how does it happen? i don’t know. since the only thing that has happened since my last chapati is....panchakarma i can only wildly guess that all that purging and oiling and baasti-ing have something to do with it. as i receive from my meditation today, i realize i am a great alchemist. there is this huge mystical world within me. so much alchemy that are beyond the radar screen of regular awareness is going on. i probably will never know the detailed biochemical action that is involved. but, who cares. i don’t have to know how electricity works to enjoy its benefits, right? i do know this, though. a big part of what they do in vaidyagrama is to get my digestive fire up. with so much toxins removed and i am striving to do the right things, like, not to drink cold things, particularly during meals, my digestive fire is not dampened the way it was used to. really, i had my days of downing icy coke while overeating. 

of course there is challenge down the line. for instance, does it mean i am never going to have ice cream again? what about my lovely ice cream maker? is it goodwill bound? and check this one out. when am i going to start churning butter?

to be continued. meanwhile i enjoy my hot off the stovetop chapati. generously dollop ghee - handcrafted by....me - and, this part is not to be revealed to my dr hari k, sprinkled with organice cane sugar and almond butter. it’s yummy breakfast with a cup of tea, i mean, that tea as made in vaidyagrama, aka, chai without black tea.


have i also mentioned it's thrilling to see the almost done chapati swell to this happy buddha belly? the earthy aroma is golden and tantalizing. i am mouthwatering and all fired up.

glorious meatball soup

on one hand i am a meditation nut, total believer. on another hand at the end of a long and difficult day there's nothing like a bowl of steaming glorious meatball soup that, in one spoonful and bite can instantly lift me up to the seventh heaven. the adorably sized meatballs are featherlight and juicy and perfectly textured and seasoned. without a doubt the best meatballs i have ever had. ever. hwubby agrees. and the soup is light and rich all at once. loads of cabbage and carrot. my body and mind heave a huge sigh of relief as the flavorful and fragrant warmth course through all the tight and stressed out nooks and crannies. and here's the wonder of all wonders. one bowl and i don't feel hunger gnawing me. i am satisfied. gulping down some more would be violating the sacredness of such divine creation. so, thank you, a big thank you to orah. you sure know how to ball up magic.

patience rules. perseverance trumps all else.

the great people of japan are showing the world how to live in the present. everyday i include them in my meditation. but it is they who are blessing me with their shining examples. their quiet, steady presence don't make the stuff of spectacular news headlines. patience rules. perseverance trumps all else. not really sexy, catchy to the physical eyes. yet, i know from my own one-step-forward, ten-step-back journey on the path, the wings of patience and perseverance hold me up and lift me through tsunamis and massive earthquakes in turbulent mental waters and roller-coaster circumstances. okay, i am wrong to say there are absolutely no drama that can be captured in this seemingly muddled toil. how about this? a road that is split into chasms looking like miniature grand canyon during the earthquake is repaired and paved brand new after three days. three days. as my guru says, again and again, to this effect, with patience, you can attain anything.

he doesn't understand me. true?

a while back, like nineteen years back, several months into my stay in the ashram, i had this encounter with a swami. this memory hasn't surfaced for this long until now when i am reflecting on the impact of a regular meditation practice on the arc of life, rather than being tunnel-vision, nitpicking the day-to-day meditation experiences. so, back to the encounter. this swami is not into small talk. really, really, not into it. we are walking on a path through the sprawling woods on the ashram grounds, in opposite directions. i don't't expect him to say anything to me at all. so i am surprised when he says, suk wah. my mind goes blank. his eye stays on me, and says, how are you doing? by knee jerk reaction i blurt out, fine. i am all but fine inside. i cannot sit still on the meditation mat for more than a minute. the mind is constantly churning out thoughts, feelings and reactions that are judgmental, anxious, angry, sad, blah blah blah. and they all feel important to me. they are so real. i am so frustrated that meditation can't make them go away. recently i see this horrific image of innumerable cargo containers chaotically piling on top of each other after the tsunami in japan. that's sort of how chaotic and out of control my mind is at that point. those unyielding mental tsunami totally gut out my connection to my inner self. i want to ask the swami an intelligent and smart and thoughtful question to show him what an evolved yogi i am. but, oy, i can't think of a word. i am babbling on and on here. in the moment it lasts exactly that. a moment. no wonder the scripture says thought travels faster than the speed of light. anyway the swami pauses for a moment, and says to me, keep meditating. then he walks away. i remember now clearly my reaction to his words. i think to myself, no, you don't understand what i am going through.

nineteen years later. i realize he does know what i go through. that day on the path in the woods i am in a muddled state. the mind is going through a tsunami. i get swept up in the towering waves of dark thoughts, feelings and reactions. in the teachings of the buddha i take what's impermanent permanent. now i know all thoughts, feelings and reactions come. and go. without exceptions. unless i hold on to them. unless i feed into them. this is where my regular meditation practice take me across these turbulent waters. i gently return attention to the steady, rhythmic movement in the natural and easy breath while i notice and observe these mental waves. i don't treat one more important than the other. the differences in contents don't matter. what matters is my attention go underneath the contents and stay with the power of the throb that is obviously driving these mental waves.

yes, the swami understands me. he knows i have what it takes to keep meditating. he knows in time i will come to see what i need to see if i keep meditating. thank you, swamiji.

starting from square one. a higher square.

since meditation is about working on invisible stuff like habitual tendencies, limiting concepts and ideas, and so on and so forth how do i measure progress given my day-to-day meditation experience is mostly subtle. here's what i come to. it's kind of like i can't see and touch time but i can measure the impact of time. o, fig branches are bare. it's winter. o, fig branches start bearing fruit again. so it's spring. in a similar way i watch my thoughts, feelings, reactions. i don't take things personal anymore because i know with unshakable faith that nothing anybody does or say add or take away the fullness of my own self. naturally, then, it's easier for me to stay calm in otherwise what my ego self would consider upsetting. in fact, over the course of my teenage and young adult years there was this unyielding anguish that relentlessly gnaw at my heart. there were times it was so intense that i thought i was a hair close to going insane. now i know it was an expression of my earnest yearning to connect with my own self, the boundless place of inner calm, strength and joy. i didn't have the concept nor the language to comprehend what i was going through. i went through aborted attempts to set up a meditation practice, meaning there were times it really felt like i wasn't making any progress what with endless frustration and tumultuous mental turmoil. but the truth is i never really gave up. i keep coming back to it, starting from square one. now as i reflect on it, i see that i started on a square that is deeper and higher than the previous one. i just couldn't see it in the moment.

sit. walk into the heart. clean mirror

here's how i would describe the way i look at my meditation practice right now. every day i sit down on my meditation mat. by the way this one has been such a loyal companion for eighteen years. anyhow, anyhoo, i sit, jump into the river of the breath and glide into the subtle heart, my innermost self. everyday is an adventure, a travel into the inner space. these days as i follow the path of the inhalation and exhalation i see that the space where the inhalation emerges is no different from that into where the exhalation disappears. little by little, day by day, this space shows me how vast it is. the mind can't reach its limits.

the metaphor that sort of approximates what happens in meditation is this. it is spiritual mirror cleaning. all that dust and dirt over the mirror get wiped out. i get mental clarity. for instance, today i see a road map regarding a knotty situation that hwubby and i have been working on. not that it is all resolved in one neat move. rather it illumines the next move. aaah. to stay in the present. now, even that is not my purpose to meditate. so i scribble it down, let it go and move on, deeper and higher into my own true nature.

relaxed alertness. even-keeled joy.

as i marvel more and more the crystalline clarity and purity of the visuals in the dream, how refined and luscious those figures of smoke are i realize why the scriptures call this physical body gross. that doesn't take away the holiness of this body, the temple in which we know our own true nature. it's just that i have the experience of what is real. in this morning's meditation it is so clear that the space into where the exhalations dissolve is both within me and holding me. i no longer get frustrated because the mind can't wrap around it. i gently place attention in the movement of the incoming and outgoing breaths, don't try to force anything or judge anything, like, am i doing the right thing, should the inhalations be longer, shouldn't i equalize the inbreaths and outbreaths. blah blah blah.

the other thing i realize recently is i have not been taking enough time and care to come of meditation. because the mind kind of has this habitual way of judging my meditations. o, it's not deep, you are aware of your body, you don't see thunder and lightnings and angels. so usually when i hear the timer i take a few rounds of deep breaths and get up from the asana. what happens is i would get drowsy and even dizzy during the day. but since i have been giving time and attention to bring myself out of meditation my energy during the day is steadier. there is a heightened sense of alertness in a relaxed manner. i am tied tighter and tighter into this state of even-keeled joy. it's so easy now to enjoy things and people and not get attached or bothered.

pure pasta. pure practices.

these days the only pasta i eat is uncle vito's. let me explain why. first of all it's after doing spiritual practices together. we sing vedic hymns and om and meditate. by the way we are now singing om on a deeper level. we focus on the nasal resonance. the result speaks for itself. we glide into this meditation that, in shivaa's words, quick and still. half an hour go by in no time. i am deeply absorbed in the subtle throb. i am all full in this gentle and rich pulsation.

then, pasta. the pasta sauce is a recipe from vito's fellow italian, lydia mastianich. mushroom, garlic, parsley. how can it be not terrific, right? and then vito throws in his own touches. sage. a cheese that is not reggiano. i can't remember the name. but what it does is not drowning out the delicate mushroom flavor but enhancing it. you can't taste the sage but the whole thing is that much more interesting and richer. i scrape off every drop of it.

this is pure pasta. perfect complement to the pure practices.

ear of my heart

meditation is such a mystical process. how do i explain on the days when nothing much happens if i do not embrace this enveloping stillness that throb soundlessly. it is not a dead quiet. it is so alive. indeed it is this that i am irresistibly drawn to meditating day after day. it is this state that i strive to return to as i go about the worldly activity. and this is on days when nothing happens. what about today? wow. soon after i find myself immersed in the rich and full pulsation that ripple through my entire awareness i see these dancing lights. right away i relate to them. they remind me of the northern lights going wild over the pitch black sky above the swathe of penguins which are huddling together tightly. i watch molten streams of emeralds and jades shifting through patterns and formations in my own inner sky. after a while i hear this from the ear of my heart. take your time to come out. with that i embark on the journey of emerging from the depths of the field of my own true nature. it is kind of like coming up from the ocean deep. all in all i meditate one and a half hour today according to the clock and it doesn't feel long at all. i could have easily roamed some more in the pulsation of the moving breath if i were not also aware of the tasks ahead.

worry is toxic. inner sky is ever bright.

so-and-so says, please call this person, she is worried. honestly i have no problem calling anybody. but the energy of 'worry' is dark and toxic. it is fear-based. not only that it doesn't help anything and goes nowhere it actually pulls you down, drains you and veils your vision so you don't see what you ought to see. it really makes things worse. hwubby is on a long road to recovery. my back is hurting. i have to conserve and protect whatever energy i have to make sure he is on an irreversible path to full recovery and i am taking as much care as i can of myself. truly, the only unfailing source of comfort comes from meditation. there is this wave upon wave of comfort gently arising from deep within permeating everywhere, washing over the exhausted body, going right into the bones and beyond. i eat it everyday. never tire of it. this is what truly nourishes me. this is what keeps me going. this is what holds me in proper perspective of things. nothing diminishes or adds to my inner self. clouds of worry may bring about a downcast. but it's an illusion. my inner sky is ever bright.

have i mentioned worry blocks grace? if i have, this is to remind myself that it does. big time.

i stick to the schedule. i need it.

i am taking a quick scan of the arc of events in the last month.  right away one thing is clear. regardless of the roller coaster developments of circumstances i want to stick to my schedule of meditation, spiritual practices and torah study. having said that i am perfectly willing to stay with what's unfolding and do what's necessary to make sure hwubby is on a path to full and irreversible recovery. guess what happens? i have to fly across country two times in less than a week, commute between vallejo and oakland and i have not missed a torah study and i meditate every morning. as a matter of fact i chant guru gita every morning during my stay in vallejo, as well as shiva arati. without a doubt i need the schedule, i need the practices to hold me firm in the place of the inner self. from here i am happy no matter what goes up and comes down outside of me, i don't care who thinks what about me, i feel fortunate, abundant and soooo grateful. hwubby feels the same too.

she feeds and gifts on her birthday

we gather together for my yogi sister shivaa's birthday. we sing out hearts out to the vedic hymn that details what we are grateful for and our wishes to the almighty which dwells within us as well as exist in everything and everyone everywhere. then we meditate. o me o my, i just plunge into the inner depths. when my awareness emerge i feel rested and ready to enjoy the feast that shivaa has prepared for us. but wait, she has gifts for everybody. i get a lavendar soap. i love the soothing and calming scent of it. now i'll really remember shivaa when i take showers.

let's get back to the food. what sublime food they are. she whips up this splendid salad with persimmon, pomegranate, orange, roasted walnut. bits of purple onion heighten the excitement. a wide range of flavors and texture burst and merge in the mouth. as for the hot dish it is quinoa spaghetti in soy bolognese topped with sesame seed pesto. i'm not a fan of imitated meat at all. but the way shivaa makes it, with lots of garlic, roasted tomato, roasted red pepper, thyme, oregano i have to say it's the best bolognese i have had in a long while. however the truly inspired move is to dollop in sesame seed pesto. it just brings everything together and elevate the richness and texture to a higher and deeper place.

instead of a boring birthday cake shivaa makes creme bulee of chocolate, orange, mascapone. everyone get his or her individual portion in a ramekin. simply lovely. we are so full, stomach and soul.

under test to stay in the present moment

this morning's meditation was pushed back and came to twenty minutes. here's why. we are refinancing our home. we have outstanding credit. we put everything on the credit card to get the miles and pay off the balance in full every month. it has been working swell. until now. as a condition to fund the loan the investor requires the credit card balance to be zero. meanwhile hwubby is doing business traveling. there's a hotel bill that is pending. it turns out it takes two to three days to post onto the balance after the charge is submitted. meanwhile the interest rate is down to the wire. the thought wave that consumes the mind is, what if the loan can't get funded, we're screwed, i wish.... as i go back and forth with hwubby who is returning a rental car on the way to an airport somewhere in virginia he says, you are so worked up. something in me surges to place a dam across the rush of resistance, resentment and defensiveness. i turn quiet. he says, go meditate. so i do. by that time i can meditate twenty minutes because i don't want to miss torah study with my rabbi.

as i settle into the natural movement of the easy breath i begin to experience a subtle shift in the way i look at the fast-evolving situation. 'what if the loan can't get funded' is a thought, a riff of mental activity. 'we're screwed' is a reaction on that initial thought. 'i wish...' is a reaction on the reaction. and so on and so forth. blah blah blah. following this thought wave takes me away from the inner self, out of the present moment and i can't see what i need to see. as my breath becomes a little deeper and a little longer with each breath i receive this message from within. stay focused on what you can do in the present moment and see what happens.

i come out of meditation, make chai, arranges a ride to torah study, arranges to pay the credit balance as it is. meanwhile hwubby has got the hotel to work on retracting the charge and accepting payment on the debit card. it's the best we can do for now. i'll check in with the credit card people tomorrow and see what happens. 

let the mental cloud pass

hwubby says, meditation is so beneficial. i say, how so? he says, it reminds me of who's who and what's what. he absolutely nails it. he goes on to say, in the last hour i notice how a thought can turn into worry and anxiety and i don't have to do that. i say, that's what sages mean when they say, don't go there. he says, yeah, i am seeing more and more what the scripture says is true, you're neither this nor that. i say, that's right, you're neither worry, nor anxiety, nor 'no worry, no anxiety,' you are quite simply light, consciousness and bliss. he says, yeah, it's like the thought is a screen between me and god, my higher self, inner self, whatever i call it, or a cloud, and the cloud will pass and i can push the screen from right to left.

hey, power to hwubby.

a girl can always use a beauty rest:)

this morning's meditation is nice and sweet. the column of golden lights that runs from the base of spine to the crown of head is bright and strong. yet no sooner than i begin to come out of easy lotus posture i receive this message from within, crystal clear, go back to sleep. it makes total sense. in the last couple of days i have been sensing this general exhaustion in my entire being. i'm not a medical doctor so i don't have the technical knowhow to articulate it but, hey, a girl can always use a beauty rest. and when i wake up a few hours later i definitely feel a tight know loosened up deep within. put it simply. i feel better.

happy and content to be a one trick pony

a person in my life has been moaning, groaning and goes, i'm wrong, i can't do it, it's hopeless, can't you understand? do i understand? hey, i'm a one trick pony. all i know, from eighteen years of meditation, chanting, studying with the teacher, contemplating the teachings and many direct experiences, i have within me a solid and stable source of contentment, courage, strength, serenity and sweet joy. as long as i am anchored in that place i can see all kinds of dark mental clouds appear and say, o, it's weather. and you know what, all weather pass sooner or later. no exception. someone asks a swami, can meditation help me to get over all this negative stuff? without missing a beat he says with a smile and eyes sparkling with conviction, yes, unless you hold on to it. and so it is that i hold on to one thing and one thing only with my dear life. i am light, consciousness and bliss. everything else are weather. the only way i know how to become established in this place is...meditation. i'm happy and content to be a one trick pont