salutations to chapati, my own chapati

miracle of miracles. i can eat chapati. it has to be my very own handcrafted chapati. but, the point is, i am free from this gluten-free restriction. how does it happen? i don’t know. since the only thing that has happened since my last chapati is....panchakarma i can only wildly guess that all that purging and oiling and baasti-ing have something to do with it. as i receive from my meditation today, i realize i am a great alchemist. there is this huge mystical world within me. so much alchemy that are beyond the radar screen of regular awareness is going on. i probably will never know the detailed biochemical action that is involved. but, who cares. i don’t have to know how electricity works to enjoy its benefits, right? i do know this, though. a big part of what they do in vaidyagrama is to get my digestive fire up. with so much toxins removed and i am striving to do the right things, like, not to drink cold things, particularly during meals, my digestive fire is not dampened the way it was used to. really, i had my days of downing icy coke while overeating. 

of course there is challenge down the line. for instance, does it mean i am never going to have ice cream again? what about my lovely ice cream maker? is it goodwill bound? and check this one out. when am i going to start churning butter?

to be continued. meanwhile i enjoy my hot off the stovetop chapati. generously dollop ghee - handcrafted by....me - and, this part is not to be revealed to my dr hari k, sprinkled with organice cane sugar and almond butter. it’s yummy breakfast with a cup of tea, i mean, that tea as made in vaidyagrama, aka, chai without black tea.


have i also mentioned it's thrilling to see the almost done chapati swell to this happy buddha belly? the earthy aroma is golden and tantalizing. i am mouthwatering and all fired up.

food not made for taste

the ideal diet protocol during panchakarma is...drum roll please...two times a day, a bowl of rice porridge and a small bowl of veg. when i first heard this i had started ghee drinking. i had one meal a day. rice porridge and veg. i noticed something remarkable. i love the porridge. i love the cabbage, opo, green bean or bitter squash, whatever veg being grown here. simply cooked. little spice. no chili. bits of coconut. that’s it. sure they use different varieties of rice for the congee. ancient varieties that are used in the countryside. still when i think about it, it’s rice cooked in a lot of water. couldn’t be simpler. yet i surprise myself. i savor every spoonful and morsel of them. there’s this natural,  subtle sweetness in veg that i didn’t notice before. and how about that nectarean after-taste floating on the palette from the bitter squash. so calming. so satisfying. i don’t feel i need any other food. i feel light and centered. just by focusing on appreciating this food it’s so effortless to be in a witnessing state. stunning. i truly have the experience what food is medicine is about. 

it surprises me that i have not experienced any craving since arriving here three and a half weeks ago.  for a start, there’s no chai here. on that note i have discovered that the common way to have tea in india, at least the places where i have been, they just dip a tea bag into hot water. back to vaidyagrama. they don’t serve tea or coffee, not even decaf. yes we do have tea twice a day, late morning and mid afternoon, but, to be accurate, they are herbal drinks. dry ginger, coriander, cardamom, tulsi leaves, sweetened by jaggery. some deep alchemy must be happening because hwubby has not experienced any gripping wanting for latte, espresso, and so on. having said that there is a running joke here that there is a secret latte stand in the bush behind the internet corner. 

so, are we actually getting the ideal panchakarma food the entire time we are here? well, the doctors are compassionate and tolerant. they understand that just getting our bodies here is already a big deal. the treatments are very intense. for a while i have to remind the mind that i might not be actively doing things like reading, writing the treatments themselves are very exhausting. this is like gutting out the plumbing and sewage in a fixer upper. as a matter of fact, dr ramkumar has a fabulous metaphor. it’s like a house that has been in need of repair and in neglect over long period of time. so before you can start doing any cleaning and repair, you need to move out of it. you can’t keep living in it and go about your life while all that gutting is going on. in fact a good contractor will say, until you are out of the house i can’t do a thing. and how about this? you think your house just needs cosmetic repair. but then when the contractor starts opening up walls and pipes he finds yucky, rotting stuff that you were not aware of. we planned a sixty grand fix up on our house. it ended up a hundred.

i digress. 

where am i? yes, regular food. unless we are in major treatments like ghee drinking, herbal enemas, purgation and the like we have three meals a day, a whole variety of food and in the words of the doctors, we can eat as much as we want. how so? because the food here is simple and pure. if we want for it’s the stomach saying, i need it. not the tongue.

for me they are delicious. couldn’t be more organic and local and seasonal than this. still it’s not what i would call strong, vibrant, bold, sizzling flavors. definitely not gourmet. they are not made for the taste. the core principle is to have the liver work as little as possible, to go easy on the digestive tract. so here ‘s another funny thing. hwubby is thrilled to hear that he can ask for more. he asks dr harikrishnan, can i have another papadam? dr says, no, that’s the only thing made for the taste. yes, there’s a time for tolerance and there’s a time to draw the line in the sand. and here’s a really funny thing. i don’t even have the desire for another papadam.

i can see the work cut out for me when i go back. a major makeover in cooking and eating habits. i don’t think i will stop cold turnkey all that yummy food out there. i can see a phenomenal transformation looming. it’s gonna be fun.

she hit it out of the ball park.

i know quite a few awesome yoginis. nonetheless shivaa is in a class of her own. how amazing is she? let me see. she gets up before dawn, sings om for half an hour, meditate. she surrounds her house with two hundred roses. she takes care of them mostly by herself. her devoted and fantastic husband norm does compost and mango mulching and grows veggies. every two weeks sivaa hosts a meditation and chanting group in her house. we gather, chant, meditate and then shivaa feeds us with a heavenly meal. on friday mornings she goes to the ashram to offer service. sundays she goes to the six am chant in the ashram. regularly she puts on a sari and performs worship. as a matter of fact when i do worship shivaa is the one who comes in at five am and wraps me up. she is funny, witty. she says, gee, i don't't know you have a body. i say, i do have boobs and butt. we have such good laughs. hwubby loves her. he says, shivaa is sharp and perceptive.

every year she gives a garden party at the peak of rose blooming. people stream in from eight on. why eight? shivaa says, rose scent is best in early mornings. she serves guests with chai, siddha coffee, scones, filo dough with hazelnuts and chard, fruits. this year she makes gluten-free apricot bread as well. this is how thoughtful she is. she takes interested people on rose tours. every one is labeled. i say, even fools can meditate here. this year, so many people come. two swamis. people from ashram. people from the neighborhood. rose lovers that have come to be friends with her through rose societies. somehow yummy food keep coming out of the kitchen and shivaa keep giving rose tours. i say shivaa this year really hit it out of the ball park.

o, yes, i have forgotten to mention that shivaa has been living with parkinson's for more than a decade. apparently she was the first 'guinea pig' to have something put in her brain. later they found out that that's the wrong place. but it works for shivaa leaving the doctors scratching their heads. this is how much grace shivaa has. boundless.

enough is my nature

here's what i've come to believe. when i sit down with the intention to meditate whatever happens is meditation. so it is when i sit through today's session with a foggy mind humming with fatigue i choose to take an inner stance of the highest and innermost self is looking at mental clouds coming and going over the vast sky of pure consciousness. i see how i got the mind into this state. i've been up since five working through a bunch of things in a hotel room, making ginger water, chapati, chai, packing a day's worth of food and snack for hwubby and a business meeting, all before meditation and on an empty stomach. i have to do better tomorrow. since i can't meditate until hwubby leaves i have to have breakfast around seven and figure out meditation later.

do i feel i have a 'good enough' meditation today? you bet i do. i am enough and good enough. enough is my very inherent nature.

almost spit chai on computer

in this morning's meditation a recurring word comes to me in a gentle and sweet way. judy. i don't need to scribble it down as i usually do with words that appear in meditation. i know exactly what it means. to email a dear, dear friend whose 94 yr old father transitioned a few days ago. before she leaves for the funeral i promise her to say kaddish for her father on sabbath morning with the rabbi and torah study people. it turns out to be a splendid, shining morning. the sun-filled, spacious room overflows with beautiful and bright people. the sound waves of the ancient hymn, that bonds innumerable generations that ever were, are and ever will be coming and going, flows through my entire being and all around me as they ripple out into everywhere in the universe touching my friend, her father and mother and all the wonderful relatives who have come. i am afloat in an expanse of sweet, quiet bliss.

so i come out of meditation thinking this is what i will write to my friend. i open the inbox and what do i see? an email from her. it ends with this, 'As I was listening to the earth hits the coffin, I could also hear my mother saying, "OK then, spicy food and coctails!"'

the surprise chuckle almost makes me spit chai on the computer. what a delightful person she is. and great too. she has been tirelessly serving her marriage for umpteen years. she is showing us how to live in the light and bliss of the present moment.

under test to stay in the present moment

this morning's meditation was pushed back and came to twenty minutes. here's why. we are refinancing our home. we have outstanding credit. we put everything on the credit card to get the miles and pay off the balance in full every month. it has been working swell. until now. as a condition to fund the loan the investor requires the credit card balance to be zero. meanwhile hwubby is doing business traveling. there's a hotel bill that is pending. it turns out it takes two to three days to post onto the balance after the charge is submitted. meanwhile the interest rate is down to the wire. the thought wave that consumes the mind is, what if the loan can't get funded, we're screwed, i wish.... as i go back and forth with hwubby who is returning a rental car on the way to an airport somewhere in virginia he says, you are so worked up. something in me surges to place a dam across the rush of resistance, resentment and defensiveness. i turn quiet. he says, go meditate. so i do. by that time i can meditate twenty minutes because i don't want to miss torah study with my rabbi.

as i settle into the natural movement of the easy breath i begin to experience a subtle shift in the way i look at the fast-evolving situation. 'what if the loan can't get funded' is a thought, a riff of mental activity. 'we're screwed' is a reaction on that initial thought. 'i wish...' is a reaction on the reaction. and so on and so forth. blah blah blah. following this thought wave takes me away from the inner self, out of the present moment and i can't see what i need to see. as my breath becomes a little deeper and a little longer with each breath i receive this message from within. stay focused on what you can do in the present moment and see what happens.

i come out of meditation, make chai, arranges a ride to torah study, arranges to pay the credit balance as it is. meanwhile hwubby has got the hotel to work on retracting the charge and accepting payment on the debit card. it's the best we can do for now. i'll check in with the credit card people tomorrow and see what happens. 

i am in the center of an up-and-down see-saw

coming out of meditation and straight into one crisis after another. okay, change the word. it's not crisis. it's an opportunity to practice being anchored in my own self. it's a benchmark to see how anchored i am in my own self. in my peripheral vision i am aware that thoughts like, how am i going to get through this, this is too much, i can't believe this is happening now with all that is going on, are hovering. but i summon my free will. i tie attention to the present moment. how am i going to get this fax through to hong kong? ahhh. i remember noticing my cousin on facebook's chat room every so and often. so i go to take a look. there he is. i send off a msg. in the ensuing back and forth he finds out the machine has run out of ink. meanwhile another crisis comes on the scene. i really feel like in the center of a see-saw watching the ups and downs unfold. i have no idea how it's going to play out but i am determined to stick with what's necessary in the moment, including sipping my chai every now and then, one eye on the chat box, cell phone next to ear. and my breath is held steady in the shaft of golden light that runs between base of spine and top of head.

meditation in action in kitchen

this morning as i come out of sleep i notice the mind is sort of mushy, i mean, ungrounded. a whole host of random, incoherent mental stuff. if i get sucked into any one of them it would be ugly. i know. been there. done that. i ask my inner self, should i meditate now? inner self says, go into the kitchen. so i do. this is the morning i have to pack up and go home. as soon as i walk into the kitchen i know exactly what i need to do. i have to use up whatever there is in the fridge. i hate to waste anything. so in a little bit i am making spiced milk, chai and mango lassi. there's really no room for the mind to wander when i have to watch over boiling milk and preparing chai spices and gathering what's needed for mango lassi. one moment of losing focus can really lead to the milk boiling over and...voila, kitchen remodeling opportunity. thank you, inner self. you really know when i ought to sit down to meditate and when to snap into action. indeed. do what's appropriate in the moment with one-pointed focus. that's meditation in action.

milk spill shows how farsighted inner self is

i'm definitely more anchored in the inner self. having said that there's still work to do. case in point. i'm having the spiced milk warming up while preparing for chai spices. not once, not twice, not thrice but several times i have the hunch, the intuition, the inner prompting, whatever you call it, that finish with the milk before doing chai spices. i don't listen to it. i say to myself, no, i'm watching it, i won't let it boil over. so there i am, just as i am about to crush the cardamom pods i see, out of the corner of my eye, a golden yellow cloud brimming over the pot in a flash. i don''t have time for any thought. i see my hand reach out and take the pot off the stove. hwubby says, a disaster? i say, an incident. i go through the clean-up with total inner quiet. now, as i reflect on it sipping chai i realize there was not one sliver of thought of beating myself up or dramatizing the situation. i take care of it as it is: a milk spill. having said that, next time i ought to listen to the inner voice sooner. and it never ceases to amaze me how far-sighted the inner self is.

hooked on meditation.

two hours of sweet, sweet meditation. the body is definitely hooked. i couldn't have kept roaming in the increasingly lengthening and deepening breath if there were not things to do.

for sure the low dose restlessness that's been forever in the body is mostly gone. i feel so comfortable in the easy lotus posture that there is not an iota of desire to shift in any way. there's a lightness in the mind beyond measure.

i am definitely becoming more and more aware of the sound of yhvh in the breath. yud. hay. vav. hay. real as can be. it's a feeling of awe and security at the same time.

today's chai is that little bit more yummy. i don't need it. but with a bright and free mind aloft in a clean and quiet consciousness i enjoy it even more.

doing rudram 3 times on president's day. 45m + 33m

today's meditation is a no-brainer. i'm already in a wonderful and marvelous state before i even sit down. all because of the spectacular celebration yesterday.

in fact i am sure i am there right now.

as clara and i are about to open the front door to shivaa's shining abode i can hear the bright and joyous power of yogis singing sacred syllables from a 5000 year old scripture.

three mice so far, at least. 45 m + 22 m

here's the latest mouse count. one resting in peace among the roses, one (at least one) scratching crazy behind the steel wool barricaded kitchen cabinets, and one in the house. yes, i saw it while i was putting together a banana bread dough and my chai at 4 am and periodically banging on the counter and cabinet walls attempting to shoo away the scratching one.

how did i feel? initially i felt terrorized. then, a thought surged with phenomenal power. it absorbed my attention. i'm not going to abandon my banana bread and chai. yes, i am scared. no. 'being scared' is not what i am. i see and feel fear but i am not allowing it to stop me from doing what is necessary and important.

editing my 598 page novel. 43 m + 26 m

today the pervading sense in meditation is what i've been getting on and off in recent days: make space and hold it clear.

i know what it is about. it's the response to my burning question: how should i prepare to start working with my editor on the 598 page manuscript?

what this illuminating insight means to me is that i need to hold the entire narrative in my consciousness while i am working on the sentence at hand.

my editor says, suk wah, you are a brilliant writer, you write all these beautiful scenes, turn of phrase and the way you write about food is poetic, but nobody is going to read about eating lox and bagel for 30 pages, you've got to have pacing.

and detachment too. whatever is not necessary has to go. whatever is holding up the forward momentum has to go. whatever the american mind doesn't get, because i write from a chinese mind, has to change.

all this comes down to one thing. i have to be able to see and hear the narrative landscape as i navigate through the twists and turns.

can i do that? yes, but not without meditation. the only way i know how to keep the inner world clear and quiet is meditating everyday. the only way i know how to sustain focus is returning, again and again, to the easy and long breath.

hwubby says, and your chai too. okay, okay, i do have my own addiction. what to do?!:)

meditation is a joy in itself. 38 m + 44 m.

i think i can fairly and safely say i can get out of bed by 3.30 and not feeling horrible. on the contrary i feel light and awake and sheltered within. the mind is quiet, basting in a marinade of buzzing contentment.

as i go about getting the whole oats (no, not steel cut, that's so yesterday for me) cooking, grinding chai spices, i see an opening of a couple of minutes. i seize the moment and measure out the dry ingredients for another batch of my knock-out delicio-so gluten-no, wheat-free banana bread. it is fascinating to watch how my state of consciousness is expansive, open while subtle and sensitive, all at the same time, all within me.

sitting meditation has now become a joy in itself. who cares if i don't see thunder and lights and visions?!
together with singing aum, i am flying. i'm ready to rock and roll.

who knew just sitting quietly could be so much fun? i didn't. now i do.