where the higher self dwells

until i hear myself howling in pain on chiropractor's table when her thumbs are pressing into the left shoulder i have no idea how much tension i have accumulated in the body. no wonder i've been receiving messages from within in meditations saying, go back to sleep. as i contemplate on it i realize what's going on is this. i've been on crisis mode, heightened adrenaline state, pretty much 24/7 for a month and a half. it is said that the sleeping state is where one can really let go of it and allow grace to come through. coming to see this helps bring my awareness to the way the breath is naturally moving in and out of me. coming in deep. going out long. staying in the present moment where the higher self dwells.

i am in the center of an up-and-down see-saw

coming out of meditation and straight into one crisis after another. okay, change the word. it's not crisis. it's an opportunity to practice being anchored in my own self. it's a benchmark to see how anchored i am in my own self. in my peripheral vision i am aware that thoughts like, how am i going to get through this, this is too much, i can't believe this is happening now with all that is going on, are hovering. but i summon my free will. i tie attention to the present moment. how am i going to get this fax through to hong kong? ahhh. i remember noticing my cousin on facebook's chat room every so and often. so i go to take a look. there he is. i send off a msg. in the ensuing back and forth he finds out the machine has run out of ink. meanwhile another crisis comes on the scene. i really feel like in the center of a see-saw watching the ups and downs unfold. i have no idea how it's going to play out but i am determined to stick with what's necessary in the moment, including sipping my chai every now and then, one eye on the chat box, cell phone next to ear. and my breath is held steady in the shaft of golden light that runs between base of spine and top of head.