salutation to barney the computer

it's time for my desktop computer to retire. it has served me with quiet steadiness for sixteen years. yes. one. six. a power mac 7600/132. august 1996. i know. sixteen years is multiples eons in the world of computers. yet if i could i would have kept it. together we have written a book, put up a literary agent search and found one. all our financial data are on it. when i call the software company and start talking about zip drive and 1996 version the person at the other end of the line has no idea what i am talking about. but, all things, all life come to an end inevitably. no exception. hwubby says, you have to start talking to the computer, or else it will feel abandoned. well, i do feel i am kind of abandoning it. wow. i have such a hard time of letting go. i actually thought i have got over that one.

okay this is not about me. i want to salute this intelligent object that has been serving me and hwubby all these years. there has not been any issue with it, although it is kind of slow when i go back and forth between documents that are tens, if not hundreds, of pages. but, even on that point, i am thankful to it. because at certain points in the writing process it actually give me the space to allow certain words, turn of phrase, idea to come through.

i have never formally named it per se. but every now and then i refer to it as barney. so thank you, barney. you know, barney, in hindu tradition, a householder retires after a life of responsibilities, duties and service and devote his/her life to contemplating the great self. you surely have earned that reward after a long, long life of extraordinary service. i could not have lived without you. writing long hand? entering each transaction by hand into a ledger? so, a heartfelt thank you.

the ability to surrender

here are my three new baskets. resistance. lack of understanding. the inability to surrender. and here's my new practice. whenever i catch some mental activity, it doesn't matter what it is. thought. emotion. thought, emotion triggered by something i do or say. thought, emotion triggered by something other people do or say, or don't do, or don't say. thought and emotion triggered by memory. whatever. the point is to see which basket i can throw it into. so here's my next question. what is the difference between resistance and the inability to surrender? the mind is kind of confused. i ask hwubby, what do you think? he says, first of all, this is a very powerful progression. well, i can't really take credit for it. they come from my guru's poem 'breakthrough'. as a matter of fact this is the core of the verse i am memorizing this week. anyhow, anyhoo, hwubby says, resistance is simply fighting, like, rejecting outright. i say, i see, it's like, i can't meditate everyday. he says, not really, that's more 'inability to surrender,' can't let go. i say, ouch. i pause a moment and say, what about this, meditation makes me tired, i don't want to meditate. hwubby says, that's lack of understanding. oy, now i feel a little discouraged. he says, resistance is, i think, shutting down, closing off. i jump on it and say, so it's really raw ignorance. he says, no, lack of understanding is ignorance. he pauses. i can tell something is going through his big brain. he says, inability to surrender is you know what you should do and.. and i finish the sentence, you don't do it. now that's kind of like not enough spiritual strength to tip you over to the beneficial direction, right. he says, yeah, maybe. o me o my, i can see this search for crystal clear meanings of the three baskets is, in and of itself, is a practice in a class of its own. on a conscious level i don't feel any clearer now before i started. yet i am pumped up with the desire and determination to get to the bottom of it. or is there a bottom?

okay, my friend clara is calling. she is going to do grocery at my favorite store. gotta go.

on the way to the store i tell her what i am contemplating about. she says, this morning i walk my dog and lose one earring. i say, how does that happen? she says, the wind blows back my hoodie, i pull it back over because it is chilly, the wind blows it right back, i guess it's somewhere in there. i say, your fave earring. she says, yeah. immediately it comes to both of us. that's a great case of checking in the ability to surrender.

i can see this is going to a fun contemplation to be continued.

from papaya to litigation

i am so happy with what i got. bags of bargain produce. check this out. three hawaiian papaya for eighty nine cents. now, they do look very...ugly. one of them actually is caving in. but guess what, that's sweet sunshine in disguise. a spoonful of its saffron juicy flesh, the aroma and flavor send me straight to the beach where the president of united states hung out as a boy. another couple of mouthfuls later i realize something. i see that hwubby and i are presented with a fantastic opportunity to really deepen our connection to our innermost, highest self. we are going through litigation and yesterday our lawyer presented us a situation where we have to make a choice. a tough choice. how to go about choosing which way to go? what is the right thing to do? food for contemplation. i scoop out another mound of heavenly papaya and i go deeper and higher into my own true nature. there i will receive the guidance i need. it may not come while i am eating up the papaya. so i have to stay vigilant, be aware. messages may come in any direction, any manner, any shape or size.

where the higher self dwells

until i hear myself howling in pain on chiropractor's table when her thumbs are pressing into the left shoulder i have no idea how much tension i have accumulated in the body. no wonder i've been receiving messages from within in meditations saying, go back to sleep. as i contemplate on it i realize what's going on is this. i've been on crisis mode, heightened adrenaline state, pretty much 24/7 for a month and a half. it is said that the sleeping state is where one can really let go of it and allow grace to come through. coming to see this helps bring my awareness to the way the breath is naturally moving in and out of me. coming in deep. going out long. staying in the present moment where the higher self dwells.

all this fabulous existence is, in the end, a fabulous movie.

this thing about 'remember your own death' works like a charm for me. as i contemplate on it i realize what happens is it takes away all the edge and bondage of fear. fear of unknown. fear of uncertainty. fear of doing something wrong. fear of getting 'no' as the response. fear of losing money, house, whatever, but no exception. fear of no praise. fear of blame. fear of criticism. seeing that none of this matters when i am dying frees me up. my awareness becomes steeped in the inner self which is that part of me that is immortal.

a flash of this understanding is great. and what i need to do is keep my meditation practice going to make sure the flash builds, and builds, and builds, until i am one with the understanding. i am none other than the inner self. all this fabulous, fantastic existence is, in the end, a fabulous, fantastic movie. a grand and dazzling play of lights of consciousness.

out of the present and can't see what i ought to see

one thing after another appear from unexpected directions. this week is going to be a jam packed one. as i see yet one more to-do come up i also sense the old habit of feeling overwhelmed and inadequate rearing its head along the mental horizon. fortunately the cumulative power of meditation and practices come to my rescue. much quicker and sooner than what it used to be. consciously i return awareness to the humming sound in the nice and flowing breath as well as the understanding that as long as i stay connected to the inner self i will know what to do (or not to to) in the present moment. the truth of the matter is if i am stuck in such feelings i am increasing the probability of doing the wrong thing because i am out of the present and can't see what i ought to see.

i want to be a leak proof vessel

i'm determined to be a leak proof vessel. what do i mean by that? well, i work hard to build up a wealth of meditation energy. just as a miser holds on to every penny, and hwubby says, you sure qualify as one, i must watch out for mindlessly spilling out the hard earned treasure. how do i do that? i need look no further than how, when and what i speak. is it true? is it kind? is it necessary? is it the right time?

as i contemplate a montage shows up on my mental screen. a collection of exchanges my meditation teacher with people over the years. in all instances, either she was speaking to me or i observed her interacting with someone. but in all situations her words are uplifting and appropriate. being uplifting is not pollyanna, really. and saying we all have to die anyway is inappropriate to someone who just lost a parent, spouse, child, a dear friend.

and when to zip up my lips. that's huge. mr. ken feinberg handled financial compensation for 9/11 families. charlie rose asks him, what lessons have you learned? mr feinberg says, never underestimate the power of listening.

for me, cultivating the skill and capability of listening to the voice of my inner self is of paramount importance. i sure have my work cut out for me. on this one i have a phenomenal role model in hwubby. he listens in a way that is on par with my meditation teacher. from his heart.

gatekeeping what comes out of my mouth goes a long way to becoming a leak proof vessel.

hanging out with my own greatness. 45 m + 20 m

hanging out with my inner self. yeah. that's what meditation is about. that's what all my meditation experiences are about.

the only way to cultivate a relationship with my inner self, the source and supply of all my greatness and fabulosity, is through meditation. it's no different from cultivating a friendship, or any relationship. you just have to spend time together.

in fact, the best times hwubby and i have together are in silence, holding each other close.

meditation is so much fun. 40 m + 23 m

meditation never ceases to amaze me.

case in point. today while i am enjoying my breath flowing freely everywhere in the body and consciousness, humming and buzzing happily all the way into the bone marrow, i see 5 words bright and clear: stay present; watch; have fun.

i know right away this is the fruit of my sustaining contemplation on what i ought to learn from this mouse episode.

mousy contemplation goes on. 45 m + 49 m

the 'mouse' contemplation continues.  or, shall i say, unfolds.

as i go about the  day i notice that the dread of a mouse running up my leg ebbs and flows. invariably it spikes when i have to go into the kitchen.

but, here's the thing, the fear no longer chain and shackle me. there are a couple of times that i pause a moment, take a couple of rounds of deep and long breaths before i cross over the threshold and that's it. i'm not held back by fear.

breath is my yellow brick road. 39 m + 13 m

i never know when an answer to my question might come from.

case in point. i went about my day yesterday with a question lingering in consciousness. why is it still so hard to get up in the morning? i made sure the tone didn't carry any trace self-beating. i acknowledged that i had come a long way but it was obvious that there's still work to be done. all i want is to dig deeper, know better so i can do better in the coming mornings.