direct motion. not retro.

this chart is good chart, the learned brahmin examines my stars and planets, but...i knew there's a 'but' coming...but one thing is that many times negative thoughts come in your mind, and that's why restlessness. his heavy indian accent - d and t are pounding drum beats - hits the message home hard. since then i've been pondering my life thus far like super duper fast forwarding a movie. i have had one opportunity after another. fantastic opportunity. i have had the great good fortune of meeting phenomenal people in both work and personal arenas. beautiful people. off the charts talented people. fun people. they embrace me, take me under their wings with generosity and kindness beyond measure. what do i do? i watch pangs of pain as i type this. i push them away. again and again. all because of what? negative thoughts that poison my mind. i remember at one point a girl friend who treats me like her own sister sits on a stair step and breaks into tears and says, we are friends, why are we like this? really. this is a strikingly handsome lady from a distinguished lineage, capable, knows everybody in hong kong, has a big and golden heart, and loves me. what do i feel in that moment? gee, i am so disconnected, so shut down, no words come to the stubborn and stuck mind.

why am i allowing the memory to roll like this? is it remorse? am i thinking, o i should have, if only i did it differently...no. no. no. because i want to cut the pattern. i want to be in direct motion. not retrograde. i know, mars in direct retro right now. i have no clue what mars in retro means but the idea somehow resonates with me. i want to be in direct motion, not going backwards. negative thoughts foment restlessness. and that drags me away from clear thinking, from being immersed in my own true nature.

all this fabulous existence is, in the end, a fabulous movie.

this thing about 'remember your own death' works like a charm for me. as i contemplate on it i realize what happens is it takes away all the edge and bondage of fear. fear of unknown. fear of uncertainty. fear of doing something wrong. fear of getting 'no' as the response. fear of losing money, house, whatever, but no exception. fear of no praise. fear of blame. fear of criticism. seeing that none of this matters when i am dying frees me up. my awareness becomes steeped in the inner self which is that part of me that is immortal.

a flash of this understanding is great. and what i need to do is keep my meditation practice going to make sure the flash builds, and builds, and builds, until i am one with the understanding. i am none other than the inner self. all this fabulous, fantastic existence is, in the end, a fabulous, fantastic movie. a grand and dazzling play of lights of consciousness.