i have access to boundless strength and clarity

today's meditation is mostly....thought waves. and jolts of impatience. at several points i feel like i am on the verge of either exploding on the spot or i must get out of meditation. i summon up all the will i can gather and forcefully breathe in deep and breathe out long. again, again and again. eventually a tiny flash of insight shines forth. fear of uncertainty. discomforts of not knowing the outcome. then mysterious alchemy happens. the unbearable intensity of discomforts comes down little by little. i end up meditating almost two hours, feeling more anchored in my inner self, filled with the conviction that i have access to boundless strength and clarity.

untangling necklace turns out to be meditation in action

as it turns out i have the opportunity to untangle a messes of wrangled fine-gold necklace. at first look, i say to myself, o, no, no way, how am i going to do this, i don't even know how to begin. here's the thing though. i no longer buy into this. i see the thought coming up. i feel the murmur of trepidation based on fear of unknown, fear of uncertainty. but i take a deep breath in and a long breath out. and i begin. i focus on what i can do in this very moment. a cautious tiny movement with a needle point poking into here. and there. i make sure i keep the breath going in a steady and slow pace. soon i am immersed in the teeny tiny movements happening in the tangle of tiny gold hoops. for a while nothing much seems to happen. a couple of times i see a whiff of whining. this is going nowhere. but i know this is residual tendency. i refuse to give in. i refuse to give up. then i see subtle stuff going on. the needle point begins to go deeper into the mess. i know it means something is loosening in there. after a while it dawns on me that now i can actually undo the clasp. this turns out to be the breakthrough moment. from then on i can gently lift up one end of the chain and carefully guide it through one tiny crevice, then another. soon the mess becomes distinctly smaller. and smaller and smaller. until it is a mess no more. just a fine chain of hoops lying flat and somewhat twisted like a braid. from here on it is a piece of cake. i lift up the necklace, now restored to its original splendor. the sense of fulfillment and contentment is beyond measure. i feel like i come out of deep meditation. truly meditation in action.

i realize in any given moment i have what it takes and i know what to do unless i am disconnected to the inner self. when i am in the river of moments in this way i move away from fear and i am taking care of what need to be taken care of properly. untangling a seemingly impossible mess starts with a gentle poke.

all this fabulous existence is, in the end, a fabulous movie.

this thing about 'remember your own death' works like a charm for me. as i contemplate on it i realize what happens is it takes away all the edge and bondage of fear. fear of unknown. fear of uncertainty. fear of doing something wrong. fear of getting 'no' as the response. fear of losing money, house, whatever, but no exception. fear of no praise. fear of blame. fear of criticism. seeing that none of this matters when i am dying frees me up. my awareness becomes steeped in the inner self which is that part of me that is immortal.

a flash of this understanding is great. and what i need to do is keep my meditation practice going to make sure the flash builds, and builds, and builds, until i am one with the understanding. i am none other than the inner self. all this fabulous, fantastic existence is, in the end, a fabulous, fantastic movie. a grand and dazzling play of lights of consciousness.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.