in order to attain what you want to attain...

no wonder the ancient wisdom says, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. i wish for full-realization. and look what i am getting. one challenge upon another. just when i think this is as intense as it gets, the scale and proportion keep getting more intense as time goes by relentlessly. tick tock tick tock. all i can do now is to stay in each moment, be with it as it is and pour forth all the cumulative powers of the spiritual practices and understanding to anchor me tight in the present no matter what. periodically i remember something a person say the other day, over sunday chai, i have a dream with the teacher, in it she says, sometimes you have to go through suffering in order to attain what you want to attain. i take it as a message meant for me. i thank the person for sharing it. the simple statement sounds bitter to the mind which is under the influence of old baggage. at the same time it feels right and releasing. if i could attain what i want to attain without suffering, that would be nice. but if i couldn't what can i do?! i can't back down.

full moon outside reflects the inner full moon

hwubby says, it's such a nice and exquisite feeling to be in the present, even though it's kind of short. so true. with so many things grabbing our attention it's easy to be sucked out of the present moment and get swept up into the turmoil of day-to-day life. now that we've fixed up accommodations in hong kong we have to find a place in singapore. there's cooking involved so it's not so straightforward. but then the extreme scenario is to book a hotel room. so it's really a matter of choices and decisions. i can go on and on. the truth of the matter is, if it's not one thing it's another: hwubby's having dental implant procedure on two teeth tomorrow; looking into options to keep the house; finding ways to make bulk book sales a reality; working on the next chapter; the list goes on and on. having said all this and as i write this, something outside the window catches my eye. the full moon about to go behind under the rolling hills. the lovely hotel courtyard is even lovelier basking in dawn lights. i take in all this outside of me while i take rest in the vast, open, quiet and clear inner being. the inner full moon shines sweetly. i feel calm and confident. i hear what lord krishna say to arjuna, do thy bidding. yes. take care of what needs to be taken care in the present moment in a meticulous manner. the inner self guides me through worldly affairs the way the full moon guides a night traveler through the wilderness.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.