keep my eye on the ultimate goal

here's the thing. while being up to my eyeballs in the shifting sands of life i carry this unshakable conviction that whatever the outcome of any or all of those things add to or subtract from my own great self. i am, at my core, pure lights, pristine consciousness and steady bliss. as a matter of fact, as all this mishegas (o how i love this yiddish word) unrelentingly pull me in i refuse to be sucked out of the present moment. i ask again and again, what is it that i have to learn to further expand and elevate my understanding? the response from withing? pretty much the same. give up any expectation of any sort of outcome. focus on the task at hand no matter how trivial and mundane it seems to be. keep my eye on the ultimate goal. to be fully realized.

please don't give me more than i can handle

just when i think things have turned a corner i'm presented with another test. today is no different. it has been like this for what i feel like eons. each day i jump through hurdles, go through fire hoops, one or more positive development happens and, boom, it looks like everything is going to fall apart all over again. what else can i do but to refuse to get out of the present moment and focus on the task at hand?! this morning's meditation is nothing but deep quiet. i feel safe in my own self. anchored there i just take care of everything as it is. really, please, i want to get fully realized but please don't give me more than i can handle. please.

in order to attain what you want to attain...

no wonder the ancient wisdom says, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. i wish for full-realization. and look what i am getting. one challenge upon another. just when i think this is as intense as it gets, the scale and proportion keep getting more intense as time goes by relentlessly. tick tock tick tock. all i can do now is to stay in each moment, be with it as it is and pour forth all the cumulative powers of the spiritual practices and understanding to anchor me tight in the present no matter what. periodically i remember something a person say the other day, over sunday chai, i have a dream with the teacher, in it she says, sometimes you have to go through suffering in order to attain what you want to attain. i take it as a message meant for me. i thank the person for sharing it. the simple statement sounds bitter to the mind which is under the influence of old baggage. at the same time it feels right and releasing. if i could attain what i want to attain without suffering, that would be nice. but if i couldn't what can i do?! i can't back down.

singing 'shree ram jay ram' in sleep

hwubby says, you sing in your sleep. i say, what do i sing? he says, shree ram jay ram jay jay ram. i am stunned and thrilled. the divine name flows out of me in the sleep state? i see this as a really fantastic marker in my progress towards full realization. may this development expands and permeates the waking state. may the sound of shree ram jay ram jay jay ram reverberate in the mind always. may i be
'stuck' and 'trapped' in the present moment. there's nowhere else i'd rather be. may it be so.

unintended benefit from meditation

i get a thrill every time i say this: it never ceases to amaze me how the inner self looks out for all things, from the lofty to the mundane. a flash from the inner self can be poetic or, in this case, financial. there i am meditating nicely, reveling in the strength and beauty of my easy lotus posture, afloat in the vast and open quiet that is sparkling with sweet clarity and...what do i hear? a number. a percentage. and i know immediately what it means. it points to a possibility to review a situation, that we thought irreversible, and a whole bunch of number crunching. om namah shivaya. it's so exciting. i feel the impulse to jump out of meditation and grab the calculator. i have to summon all my willpower and guide attention to the breathing movement. and i do. this is a great opportunity to practice staying in the present moment. also i need the meditation to really firm myself in the calm and focus of the inner self to take care of this ever-shifting situation properly.

on the note of ever-shifting situation, so much has happened in twenty-four hours. no, actually, in an instant. we are listening to this person giving us good advice. it all looks like we are doomed. do i panic? i ask myself as i listen to her. no. my inner being is quiet and calm and clear. that situation may be doomed but it doesn't diminish my inner self. i am still who i am. from that place and state a question comes up. i ask. the person responds. i ask a clarifying question. she responds. the back and forth keeps going in a steady and relaxed and pleasant manner. before we know it the veneer of inevitability cracks and the light of possibility shines through. we leave the meeting with a handful of possibilities. whoa. wow. if i was paralyzed like a deer caught in headlight i wouldn't have heard the question coming from the inner self. true that i meditate to be fully realized. but i also welcome the unintended benefit of being able to take care of worldly affairs in a way i couldn't have if i am disconnected from the inner self.

marraige is fantastic for spiritual growth

why did i go to portland? because hwubby has to go through a dental implant procedure and it breaks my heart that he has to come back to the hotel after it and be alone with the swelling and discomforts. he says, you don't have to go. i say, i want to go. he says, that would be so nice. and if it were me he would have done it ten times over for me.  we are so fortunate to have each other as we strive to recognize our highest selves more and more in each moment. if we hold our hands and see the ego self in each other we would have divorced a long time ago. instead we support each other in seeing and being in our supreme inner self. is that selfish? no. because as a result i am better able to see the highest self in him. and in others. i've come a long way but i still have a lot of work to do before fully realized. nonetheless i see the greatness of marriage. it's a fantastic way for spiritual growth. and when it's the right one it's so much fun. i am lucked out, really. i can't even imagine living with my former full-blown ego self. brave hwubby.

i'm in shock. i will remember what i need to remember

on the other end of  the cell, my editor says, suk wah, this is tsunami. i say, it's katrina. i just told her about the recording catastrophe. 3 hours of editing on the pages are gone. she says, suk wah, you sound like you are drugged. i say, no, i'm in shock. and yet, in the midst of the numbing shock, i see myself watching the tendency to blame and get worked up hovering far away in the mental horizon. what's really close to me is the rhythmic movement of the breath. on top of all this i'm sitting in the airport on the way to portland, oregon. i discovered the loss about an hour prior. and hwubby and i are traveling with two full suitcases that hold a mini ayurveda kitchen.

back to the loss. i am amazed to see how quiet and calm the inner world is. only one prompting fills inner being: stay in the present. what does that mean? only one thing. how to take care of the situation as it is. i notice how easy and easeful it is for me to hold on to this guiding instruction. i reach out to my editor. she is so great. as we are going back and forth i see the old tendency to get paralyzed and stuck attempting to come back again and again. right then and there i experience what the sages mean when they say, you have a choice in every instant. i can stay with it as it is or i can give up. which way do i want to go? it is in a moment like this that i truly appreciate the value of all my spiritual practices and study. there is no doubt in my whole being that i refuse to go back to the old way. i'm going down the road of transformation. does getting worked up take me closer to full-realization? no. so easy to choose.

after journaling this i'm going to go through the pages and write down in capital letters all that my editor want me to. in this morning's meditation, in supine position on a hotel bed, i keep receiving this message: i will remember what i need to remember.

challenges are bigger. i am bigger

this morning's meditation brings up the tendency of contracting, daunted by the challenges we are facing, including we may have to sell the house. meanwhile the back and forth with my editor is accelerating. she says, you are a very unconventional writer, most of the time it works, but sometimes it doesn't. i get it. i say, i'm open to using 'conventional' things. i can find ways to make them work for me. so as i journal this i realize i have never been following a conventional path and i have always been great at staying with a challenge and finding unconventional ways that work. with that i feel a sense of centering spreading all over me. a house is a house is a temporary configuration of consciousness. we are going to do what is necessary to see we can keep it but whatever the outcome is it has nothing to do with our inner selves. they are always pure and strong. ahhh. that's it. i am always pure and strong and centered unless i choose to be thrown off balance by some temporary configuration of consciousness. this is great. i see that i am more and more grounded in my own highest and innermost self. the reality that the challenges are getting bigger and bigger is a reflection of my progress on the path towards full-realization.

dim flashes across the sky of the inner self

on one hand i want full realization. on another hand, when i meditate these days it feels so very enough just to immerse into that pure and strong peace within. i know, i know the universal self pervades all things and creatures. yet meditation grants me the experience of the unfiltered, sparkled inner self. more and more i watch the mental activity come and go. in fact, this morning, they come and go so quickly i barely have the chance to even see what they are. like flashes. dim flashes across the sky of the inner self. they used to be thunders and lightning bolts that paralyze and devour me. not anymore. i am the inner self. end of story.

with fellow yogis like these i might just get fully realized:) mmmm.

so happy to be doing the practices with fellow yogis who are committed to know the self, to be with the self, to meditate on the self, and to see the self in each other. hey, it makes it that much juicier to eat great food that is infused with the self of shivaa. honestly, i'm not a big fan of cole slaw and guac but i have no problem swooping up shivaa's cole saw and guac. for the cole slaw she tosses in orange, roasted walnuts and figs. the dressing has orange, ginger and sesame. all this take out the thinness and add some yang to yin. her guac strikes the balance between creamy and textured. the subtle flavor of avocado comes through elegantly against the backdrop of onion and cilantro, which have big and bold flavors in their own right so it's not easy to find the alchemy between them and the delicate avocado. shivaa always hits the sublime spot. scooping it with sweet potato chips completes the entire spectrum of taste profile. a shining example of fullness in simplicity. what about the kitcheri soup? peanuts is a surprise touch. i always like a nice tweak. kitcheri is such a meditator's staple. it's good to grow the list of variations to freshen up the simple combo of mung bean and rice and water and spices.

vito generously provides 'dessert' in the form of a spectacular piece of spiritual teaching. everyone gets a copy. one person reads a paragraph. anyone who wants to say something can do so. it's such a great opportunity to practice listening, listening without judgment and definitely no, no, no to the 'fix it' mode. the writing itself is simple, straightforward. what resonates with me is that staying present in the moment is being in the fullness, abundance of the self. and so the measuring gauge is simple. when i catch myself worrying, that is so obviously off the present moment. rather than go on worrying i choose to return to the present, return to the inner self, who and what i am. i try to articulate all this with inadequate words. my fellow yogis listen with such kindness and patience as if what i am saying is the only thing that matters to them right then. the ever thoughtful and wise laura says, when you do that you open up the space for magic to happen. you nail it, laura.

we are a great group. it never ceases to amaze me how fortunate i am to be in the presence of such great seekers. at moments when i catch myself off the self it's the cumulative support from them and the practices that take me through the speed bumps. my inner self is full and complete but i cannot walk the journey all by myself. with yogis like these even a fool like me can fantasize to get fully realized this lifetime:) hey, why not?!

watching the play of the mind

hwubby says, you smell so nice, like...sweet meditation. indeed. i just come out of meditation. another sweet one. often i wonder what it is like to be fully realized. but afloat in the open, quiet sweetness of the inner self it doesn't matter whether i get to that point in this lifetime. it's sublimely satsifying just to know that i have this place and state within and i know how to get there. in fact i am that place and state. clothed with this understanding and fed by the direct experience i watch the play of the mind like looking at reflections in a mirror.