step back. he didn't ask for my help.

i get out of bed in pitch dark. hwubby is already up. i am giving him a morning kiss when i see that he is entering some data that i have done already the day before. it occurs to me that this is not necessary. i begin to show him the alternative pathway. some back and forth later i am standing next to his computer knee deep in helping him to figure out how to do a data transfer. well, of course i don't think i sound short and brusque. but there he is, saying, don't get impatient with me, i didn't ask for your help. wo. part of me is more than ready to snap back. then the essence of my guru's words take hold of my breath and thought.

the tests come in many forms.
sometimes they strike like lightning.
sometimes they are as sharp as a million needles.
and sometimes they come cloaked in absolute numbness.
what is needed at all times is full faith and surrender.


mentally i step back. i breathe in, a deep one. i say, i'm so sorry i got you so upset..

indeed. he is right. he didn't ask for my help. and i didn't keep my eye on the ball. as i gently return attention again and again to that elusive yet vast space between breaths i see an old tendency. easily get distracted and pulled out of the present.

the work is to stay in the present

i was presented with an opportunity to stay in the present moment. did i meet it? here's how it went down. i was getting ready to go to the dental office for a cleaning appointment when i couldn't find the house key. i was by myself in the house. hwubby was not picking up his cell so i had no idea whether he would be in the house when i would come home. by now i knew i would be late. just like that the old tendency of beating myself up was engulfing me like a flash flood. i tried to bring up the image of where and when i last saw the key. tuesday? when i went to shivaa's birthday party? i ran upstairs. it was not in the bag dedicated to spiritual study stuff. where could it be? suk wah, why didn't you put it in the proper place?! maybe hwubby took it because he couldn't find his key. no, that's not possible because his house key is ringed together with the car key. what should i do now? maybe i should cancel the appointment. what a mess you have made, suk wah. the mind was jumping all over the place like ants in a hot wok. just then something miraculous happened. i found myself taking a very deep breath in and long breath out. just like that i plunged into a moment of quiet and stillness. and just like that an image emerged bright and clear. i left for the airport the morning after shivaa's party. bingo. i unzipped the shoulder bag i took with me to the airport. and there it was. the house key. i called up the dental office. the hygienist was willing to wait for me for ten minutes. i walked fast and focused. i made the appointment a couple of minutes before the ten minute grace period. now my teeth are sparkling.

the key was where it should be. i did the right thing in that moment. the power of my accumulated spiritual force lifted me up when i needed it. thank you, my inner self. thank you, suk wah. i realize that i do have what i need in every moment. residual tendency does what it does, to try to snap me back into its grip. i just have to stay in the present. that's the work. simple.

someday i may thank the barking dog. not just yet.

hwubby asks, how's your meditation today? i say, it goes well, how's yours? he says, really good, getting clearer and clearer on who's who and what's what? true. i go into meditation today after a night of disturbed sleep. some neighbor's dog barked all night. it helps somewhat with the earplugs. i can see myself getting angry with the dog parent and the mind yelling things like, be a responsible dog parent, that's what you signed up when you decided to have a dog. blah blah blah. this would not be a good state to be in. then, as i sit through the hour-and-a-half i can see some alchemy happening little by little. the anger subsides like the morning fog. every inbreath absorbs a little bit of it. every outbreath takes away a little bit of it. by the time i'm ready to come out of mediation i know what i'm going to do. i'll go to the person who knows what's going on in the neighborhood, and actually hwubby suspects the dog belongs to one of her family members, and i'll say to her, politely and firmly, since you know everything and everyone in the hood, i need you help in something, do you know anything about this dog? it barked all night. my husband and i couldn't sleep. hwubby says, what if nobody does anything about it? i say, let's see what happens. i'm just taking care of it as it is as i see it. stay in the present. stay open. it's all i can do. as a matter of fact, it's all i need to do. what else can i do?! someday i may have to thank this barking dog for keeping me connected to my inner self. but not just yet.

unintended benefit from meditation

i get a thrill every time i say this: it never ceases to amaze me how the inner self looks out for all things, from the lofty to the mundane. a flash from the inner self can be poetic or, in this case, financial. there i am meditating nicely, reveling in the strength and beauty of my easy lotus posture, afloat in the vast and open quiet that is sparkling with sweet clarity and...what do i hear? a number. a percentage. and i know immediately what it means. it points to a possibility to review a situation, that we thought irreversible, and a whole bunch of number crunching. om namah shivaya. it's so exciting. i feel the impulse to jump out of meditation and grab the calculator. i have to summon all my willpower and guide attention to the breathing movement. and i do. this is a great opportunity to practice staying in the present moment. also i need the meditation to really firm myself in the calm and focus of the inner self to take care of this ever-shifting situation properly.

on the note of ever-shifting situation, so much has happened in twenty-four hours. no, actually, in an instant. we are listening to this person giving us good advice. it all looks like we are doomed. do i panic? i ask myself as i listen to her. no. my inner being is quiet and calm and clear. that situation may be doomed but it doesn't diminish my inner self. i am still who i am. from that place and state a question comes up. i ask. the person responds. i ask a clarifying question. she responds. the back and forth keeps going in a steady and relaxed and pleasant manner. before we know it the veneer of inevitability cracks and the light of possibility shines through. we leave the meeting with a handful of possibilities. whoa. wow. if i was paralyzed like a deer caught in headlight i wouldn't have heard the question coming from the inner self. true that i meditate to be fully realized. but i also welcome the unintended benefit of being able to take care of worldly affairs in a way i couldn't have if i am disconnected from the inner self.

stay present, stay open and i get great mangoes

hwubby has to have a lot of mango lassi for a few days. so there i am, staring into the mangoes in a high-end grocery store and shocked. 2 for $5. at the rate it has been going we'll spend a small fortune on mangoes. but hwubby just had this three hour dental implant procedure a day prior. the poor baby is on liquid diet. i don't want to deprive him but...meanwhile i keep having this recurrent hunch. don't get it here. then the mind goes on and on. where else can you get it? you're in a new town, new neighborhood, you don't have a car. i take a couple of rounds of deep breathing and then i hear this: use less mango in lassi, you can always make sweet lassi, it doesn't have to have mango. somehow it makes sense to me. fast forward the next morning. today. we walk to a farmers market in the neighborhood. beautiful produce. peaches. blueberries. raspberries. i am totally enjoying the aroma of abundance and the lovely sunshine when we approach the last store in this vibrant marketplace. hwubby says, look. i say, what? he says, mango. indeed. fifty cents a pop. three-fifty a box of ten. now i am looking at eleven gorgeous mangoes at less than forty cents apiece. what's the lesson here? stay tight in the present moment and stay open.

me and my inner self, we go places

there i am getting started to reconcile the bank statement. and...boom, i am tested. what do i mean by that? the opening balance is four grand off. the first thought that explodes in my mind says, that's impossible, it was fine when i reconciled last month. for a fleeting while i go blank. the next thing that i am aware of is the rhythmic movement of the breath. just like that i find myself watching the sky of the inner being. it is vast and open and bright and clear. sure there are dark clouds going by. they say, o no, suk wah, you screw up, you can never fix this, blah blah blah, so on and so forth, the usual stuff. but i am not buying into it. i see my entire being settling into a state of calm, confidence and focus. i clearly feel a power steadily surging up from within. supporting me. anchoring me. i feel fluid and flexible. i see the tendency to feel stuck appear. i ask myself, is this who and what i am? no. no. no. i know, from deep within, i am equal to the challenge. i swiftly deepen and lengthen the breath. after a little while i begin to regain a sense of stability. with that i hear one prompting after another from inside. take a pause from it. i follow it. i go into the kitchen, sit down and have some mango. nice, juicy, golden mango. it never ceases to amaze me how magical mango is. as i am absorbed in the nectarean nature of mango i hear the next inner prompting. reconcile the personal account and credit card statement first. i decide that's a smart move. why hold up the process because of a glitch?! i finish the last morsel of mango flesh. i feel so much better. i return to the computer and reconcile the personal account statement. it goes smoothly. no sooner than i hit the 'done' button i see this thought. check the opening and closing balance. i know exactly what it means. i'm doing july. take the june statement. compare the opening and closing balances with those on the quickbook register. if they don't match go back to may. i do that. may is off. i go back to april. still off. then it's march. bingo. the opening balances match. that's it. i pore through the march transactions. within seconds i see where it's off.

hwubby says, you're such a good investigative detective. i say, yeah, me and my inner self, we go places. my inner self says, yeah, there's a solution within every situation, you just have to stay in the present and listen.