ultimate measure of ability to surrender

i would be the first one to admit i am not tech savvy. nope. not a nerd, nor geek. i just kind of know enough to use the web in a limited way for own little purpose. so when hwubby says, my booksite is down the first emotion that erupts in me is helplessness. the first thought that hits me is this. we have to pay at least seventy-five dollars to the web person to fix this.

hwubby is very tolerant and kind. he says, why don't you poke around. so i do. honestly i don't know what to look for. i mean, i have no idea why the screen is all blank. have i or hwubby done something wrong? bingo. there's an old, old residual tendency. i take in one deep breath after another, slowly. then a thought comes up. i'm sure this is not the first time this has happened to anybody in internet history. then one thought pulls out another like pulling silk from cocoon. this could be a common thing. there's probably something about this in 'frequently asked questions.' i start to feel more settled and go down the list of headings on the support page. where to begin? so i do the obvious. from the beginning. 'browser issues.' i have no idea what this means. but there is something soothing when i see a list of instructions. i love following rules. what can i say. i grow up singing 'god save the queen.' it's still my fave tune. but i digress.

by the time i come to the end of the instruction list i see some discouragement needling me. so far nothing works. where do i go from here? what ought i do? i take a pause, and i see something. there is a paragraph at the very bottom of the section. i read it, try to comprehend it and get nowhere. it's something to do with service provider's cache. it's greek to me.

meanwhile i've been communicating with hwubby while he's in between meetings. in the spirit of transparency, and maybe just to show that i am doing something, i sent him the paragraph. he comes right back. he says, i think this is it. i say, what do you mean? turns out the booksite goes through some internet service provider. another phone call later. voila. the site is back up.

the whole point of this experience, for me, is this. stay calm. stay connected to the inner self. stay open. stay in the present moment. as a matter of fact it dawns on me that the ultimate measure of the ability to surrender is the ability to surrender fully into the present moment the way i am able to follow through the instructions one by one, step by step.

hwubby says, yeah, you don't want to save seventy-five dollars. i say, there's nothing wrong with that. besides, whatever works to get me connected with the inner self, it's cool. and if it happens to save money, more power to suk wah. yay.

starting from square one. a higher square.

since meditation is about working on invisible stuff like habitual tendencies, limiting concepts and ideas, and so on and so forth how do i measure progress given my day-to-day meditation experience is mostly subtle. here's what i come to. it's kind of like i can't see and touch time but i can measure the impact of time. o, fig branches are bare. it's winter. o, fig branches start bearing fruit again. so it's spring. in a similar way i watch my thoughts, feelings, reactions. i don't take things personal anymore because i know with unshakable faith that nothing anybody does or say add or take away the fullness of my own self. naturally, then, it's easier for me to stay calm in otherwise what my ego self would consider upsetting. in fact, over the course of my teenage and young adult years there was this unyielding anguish that relentlessly gnaw at my heart. there were times it was so intense that i thought i was a hair close to going insane. now i know it was an expression of my earnest yearning to connect with my own self, the boundless place of inner calm, strength and joy. i didn't have the concept nor the language to comprehend what i was going through. i went through aborted attempts to set up a meditation practice, meaning there were times it really felt like i wasn't making any progress what with endless frustration and tumultuous mental turmoil. but the truth is i never really gave up. i keep coming back to it, starting from square one. now as i reflect on it, i see that i started on a square that is deeper and higher than the previous one. i just couldn't see it in the moment.

i am the crown jewel of all that i have

here's another teaching dream. this one goes like this. i'm sitting at a dressing table. mother is sitting next to me. all around me are people all dressed and bejeweled. i pull out the drawer in front of me. it is filled with jewelry. gold. jade. diamond. i take in the scene around me, feeling enough and contented. mother is saying, in a nagging way, wear it, wear it. i look at the glammed up people around me and look at all that i have in the drawer and think to myself in a calm and relaxed way, do i need to wear it? no. do i want to wear it? no. at that point i wake up.

as i share the dream with my study partner it dawns on me that i am the crown jewel of all that i have.

how else but to be in own great self

i ask rabbi, can you explain in a way that i can comprehend, what is it about noah that he walks with god? rabbi says, in hebrew one of the qualities about noah is he is imple. that stirs a recognition in me. then rabbi leads us into a visualization. what does it mean for me to walk with god? quickly it comes to me. to see god in me as me. to see god in others. from that place, for me, there's no where else to go, no other way to walk but with god. indeed, the complex challenges i am facing are growing fast. i don't know how else to stay calm and centered if i am not anchored in that simple place within. it is uncluttered. it is quiet. it is open. my own great self.

i refuse to be tossed around.

there's always something. if it's not one thing, it's another. just when i think it couldn't get any worse, i have to go through another sleepless night. then no sooner than i say to myself, okay, it is what it is, marvelous development lands in the inbox. i check in with my inner self. nothing has changed. the inner self is as it always has been. nothing can add to it, nor subtract from it. and so it is i find myself calm, quiet and clear. taking in each moment as it is. thankful for all the opportunities to sharpen and strengthen the connection with my inner self, to anchor in the sky of pure consciousness, rather than being tossed around, physically and emotionally. i refuse to.

i'm in shock. i will remember what i need to remember

on the other end of  the cell, my editor says, suk wah, this is tsunami. i say, it's katrina. i just told her about the recording catastrophe. 3 hours of editing on the pages are gone. she says, suk wah, you sound like you are drugged. i say, no, i'm in shock. and yet, in the midst of the numbing shock, i see myself watching the tendency to blame and get worked up hovering far away in the mental horizon. what's really close to me is the rhythmic movement of the breath. on top of all this i'm sitting in the airport on the way to portland, oregon. i discovered the loss about an hour prior. and hwubby and i are traveling with two full suitcases that hold a mini ayurveda kitchen.

back to the loss. i am amazed to see how quiet and calm the inner world is. only one prompting fills inner being: stay in the present. what does that mean? only one thing. how to take care of the situation as it is. i notice how easy and easeful it is for me to hold on to this guiding instruction. i reach out to my editor. she is so great. as we are going back and forth i see the old tendency to get paralyzed and stuck attempting to come back again and again. right then and there i experience what the sages mean when they say, you have a choice in every instant. i can stay with it as it is or i can give up. which way do i want to go? it is in a moment like this that i truly appreciate the value of all my spiritual practices and study. there is no doubt in my whole being that i refuse to go back to the old way. i'm going down the road of transformation. does getting worked up take me closer to full-realization? no. so easy to choose.

after journaling this i'm going to go through the pages and write down in capital letters all that my editor want me to. in this morning's meditation, in supine position on a hotel bed, i keep receiving this message: i will remember what i need to remember.

me and my inner self, we go places

there i am getting started to reconcile the bank statement. and...boom, i am tested. what do i mean by that? the opening balance is four grand off. the first thought that explodes in my mind says, that's impossible, it was fine when i reconciled last month. for a fleeting while i go blank. the next thing that i am aware of is the rhythmic movement of the breath. just like that i find myself watching the sky of the inner being. it is vast and open and bright and clear. sure there are dark clouds going by. they say, o no, suk wah, you screw up, you can never fix this, blah blah blah, so on and so forth, the usual stuff. but i am not buying into it. i see my entire being settling into a state of calm, confidence and focus. i clearly feel a power steadily surging up from within. supporting me. anchoring me. i feel fluid and flexible. i see the tendency to feel stuck appear. i ask myself, is this who and what i am? no. no. no. i know, from deep within, i am equal to the challenge. i swiftly deepen and lengthen the breath. after a little while i begin to regain a sense of stability. with that i hear one prompting after another from inside. take a pause from it. i follow it. i go into the kitchen, sit down and have some mango. nice, juicy, golden mango. it never ceases to amaze me how magical mango is. as i am absorbed in the nectarean nature of mango i hear the next inner prompting. reconcile the personal account and credit card statement first. i decide that's a smart move. why hold up the process because of a glitch?! i finish the last morsel of mango flesh. i feel so much better. i return to the computer and reconcile the personal account statement. it goes smoothly. no sooner than i hit the 'done' button i see this thought. check the opening and closing balance. i know exactly what it means. i'm doing july. take the june statement. compare the opening and closing balances with those on the quickbook register. if they don't match go back to may. i do that. may is off. i go back to april. still off. then it's march. bingo. the opening balances match. that's it. i pore through the march transactions. within seconds i see where it's off.

hwubby says, you're such a good investigative detective. i say, yeah, me and my inner self, we go places. my inner self says, yeah, there's a solution within every situation, you just have to stay in the present and listen.