cold shower

never say never, you never know. that's what i heard when i said to myself, there's no way i can take a cold shower. as a matter of fact before the last word in the declaration is over i already regret it. and so i take a deep breath and roll my eyeballs and mumble to myself, all right, we'll see what happens. turns out it's a a sunshiny day. i have to go out, walk around, take care of a few things. after walking around under the warm and blue sky for a while i feel easy and open and happy that i had got everything done. there i am, walking down my street, and i see a very dear neighbor, ms williams's, little red bug. o, she's in the house, i think to myself. hey, why don't i knock on her door and see if i can take a shower in her house. immediately i get a response within. it's warm enough. i do see a little resistance. i watch it. it's like morning mist. damp and cold. but it burns off soon after the sun pops up. when it's my usual shower time i take a look at the late afternoon bright golden shine outside the bathroom window. i am so ready. true i am sort of dashing in and out of the shower but i do it, hairwash and all. as i dry myself i feel an invigorating sensation gently rising from within and covering the skin. just like that i am that much more connected to my own courage and strength. i feel clean on physical as well as subtle level. and that's the thing about following guidance from my inner self. all grounds are covered. it's not there's spiritual life and here's the worldly life. it's just one life.

possibilities are like sparks within lapis lazuli

this morning's meditation is magnificent. i go deeper and higher than i recall i ever have. the inner being is so vast, so pristine, so strongly quiet, so clear and light. it is not sheltered by the body. on the contrary, the body is within this subtle yet tangible conscious realm. as awareness rests and roams in this i realize i am having an experience of what 'being refreshed' means. there's a sense of opening everywhere in the entire being. from this place i look at how i was shocked into panic by an unexpected development. now i can see its root cause is a deeply-rooted conditioning, that the reality that i find myself in is the only reality. this illusion is a killer. it blocks grace. it blinds out peripheral vision. it renders me incapable to see possibilities and openings sparkling the way delicate golden sparks are embedded within lapis lazuli.
the moment i recognize this i lift my awareness out of that lower vantage point. my inner vision opens up. i am once again in the clear sky of pure consciousness. hey, this twist actually points the way to do something that previously i thought i couldn't pursue. the limitation is dissolved.

happy anniversary, hwubby and suk wah.

i refuse to be tossed around.

there's always something. if it's not one thing, it's another. just when i think it couldn't get any worse, i have to go through another sleepless night. then no sooner than i say to myself, okay, it is what it is, marvelous development lands in the inbox. i check in with my inner self. nothing has changed. the inner self is as it always has been. nothing can add to it, nor subtract from it. and so it is i find myself calm, quiet and clear. taking in each moment as it is. thankful for all the opportunities to sharpen and strengthen the connection with my inner self, to anchor in the sky of pure consciousness, rather than being tossed around, physically and emotionally. i refuse to.

tahoe sunset. spiced milk

with feel cool and wet i sit on the tahoe beach amidst an exquisite sunset. for quite a while i am drawn to the sounds of the gentle wave rolling in all the way to the tip of my toes. the tingles are thrilling. i see the incoming waves carrying piles of bubbles with them, much like the surges of mental activity. the bubbles burst as the waves run out their momentum. so unless i feed into the mental activity they are bound to run out their momentum as well. and the mind will return to a tranquil state.

last night a fellow yogi makes spiced milk. hot, aromatic. one sip i already notice a feeling of deep settling in. i sleep better and deeper. this morning's meditation has a pristine quality that is subtle but unmistakable.

i meditate to become aware of the self within

do i meditate to become the self? nope. i meditate to become aware of the self within. i already have the self. i just have to remember that. as a matter of fact, remembering that and my own death are all i need to hold myself in the present moment. the rest are just things to take care of.

having said that i have to remind myself that staying in the present is not the same as being stuck. i accept myself as it is in the context of moving forward on the path to become constantly aware that there is no difference between my individual consciousness and supreme consciousness. my mind is clear sky.

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.