breath-in-chief.

don't want to come out of meditation. seriously. this is my meditation experience of the day. the body and mind, particularly the body, are immersed in this sweet and pure peace that hums with vibrancy. today the legs have hit the sweet spot. they don't go numb on me like they usually do after forty-five minutes or so. and the breath. o me o my. the breath. i really have the experience my conscious efforts have nothing to do with the ever deepening of the inbreaths and lengthening of the outbreaths. as i type this sentence i can feel this subtle shift in the breathing movement like a master noodle maker deftly pulling the dough between his skillful hands. i am mesmerized. this inner self of mine is truly the breath-in-chief.

back to this morning's meditation. while i am reciting the poems 'a thousand mirrors' and 'breakthrough' i notice, for several times, i emerge from a place beyond words, where there is no sense of time. but i don't catch myself pausing amidst recitation. yet i simply know where to pick up from where i left. the words just arise from this quiet place within. this quiet, fascinating place, my own self.

just like that, two hours have flown by when i step off the meditation mat.

encore cold shower

once the inertia is overcome the mind is more open, the body is more relaxed and i can really see what's possible. for instance. it takes some doing to have the first cold shower. turns out i like it. hey, if it were not for the broken water heater...not that i wish it on anyone. i digress. soon i notice the skin towel that i've been using during shower. hey, i can use it to dry scrub, get circulation going before stepping into the cold. so i do. it's amazing. an explosion of refreshing, invigorating tingles. fireworks in my whole being. as i wrap myself in a towel there is this vibrant warmth spreading from within. it's enlivening. as a matter of fact i meditate that much deeper this morning. i actually have the sense that i am beginning to enter the space between breaths. now i like it so much i'm even kind of thinking, i'm gonna miss this when hot water is back.

inner pharaoh

pharaohs are like all things in the physical universe. they come. they go. one down. another one up. the only pharoah that i can really have a rein on is my inner pharaoh. really. all that which keep me in poverty consciousness are stuff of a pharaoh's doing. last night after hwubby and i have a discussion about what is our inner pharaoh i go to bed feeling this sense of a hard layer gradually shielding the heart region. i watch it. i don't pin it onto any specific thing. mostly it is a pervading sense of sadness, sorrow, melancholy. what causes it? really. it can be anything. one thing is as good as the other. there's always some reason to make worrying and fear seem real and justifiable. early on a wise yogi says to me, the problem is not the problem, it's your problem with the problem that is the problem. this morning i wake up and find my awareness in this vast, quiet, still space that is throbbing subtly with vibrancy. the natural breath is flowing in and out with ease. i lie there. i see this hardness around the heart is still around but now i look at it with a fresh eye. insights appear like silk being drawn from cocoon. on one hand they make sense of this hardness. on another hand they, along with the hardness, come and go as well. none of it, good or bad, sad or pleasurable, is who i really am. the body comes and goes. thoughts, feelings come and go. it is my innermost self that is the single constant through all this. it is independent of anything in the physical universe. it is watching all this and all this and all this come and go. i am enslaved to nothing and no one. anything that makes me feel less than that is the voice of the pharaoh.

body is in space and space is in body.

who knew?! yogic realization while doing finances. of course. why not. here's how it goes down. there i am working on the p and l and, in a quiet manner, i notice a deepening in my outbreaths. my awareness is in this huge subtle space while i am aware of the contours of the body. a question arises. is this subtle space in my body? or the body inside the space? in a mystical way this question illuminates something that has been sort of frustrating me for a long while, like, years. i have been attempting over and over to meditate on the space between breaths. breathe in. notice where breath arises. breathe out. notice where the breath dissolves into. after a little while i always gets confused. am i doing the right thing? i seem to have lost track of where the breath arises and where it dissolves into. is the former outside of me? is the latter inside me? and so it all makes me feel i am sort of not getting anywhere, not 'getting it.' back to where i am, preparing a spreadsheet of financial data, and i clearly see that there is only one space. the body as a barrier is just a limiting thought. turning away from that thought, what am i left with? the understanding that this subtle space is within the body and the body is within the subtle space. this is such a paradox that no wonder the mind has trouble wrapping it around.

now i can return to the spreadsheet. thank you, my own innermost self, for the illumination.

exhaustion and fatigue roar in

hwubby is coming along in a long rehab process. and i find my body speaking up. tidal waves of exhaustion and fatigue quietly roar in. i take a look at the piles of tasks that are backed up. i know i have to start somewhere. yet i don't even have the will to pick up one receipt that awaits to be examined as part of the tax return preparation. i let the phones ring and ring. all i want is to sleep and go into solitude for, say, three months. then i can see a bunch of thoughts, feelings and emotions blurp around, all about, i thought i have done pretty good in terms of keeping the mind and body in a good state.

my cousin says, given what you have been going through, you are adrenaline short. that feels so right. and the msg resonates in meditation today. true that i have done a lot of work to clean out the old tendency to live on survival mode. but the severity and pace of the episodes in the last few months have stirred up entrenched residuals. there is a part of me that immediately switch to high anxiety mode without me conscious about it. okay, now that i see it i am ready to let it go. what does that mean? i'll find out.

possibilities are like sparks within lapis lazuli

this morning's meditation is magnificent. i go deeper and higher than i recall i ever have. the inner being is so vast, so pristine, so strongly quiet, so clear and light. it is not sheltered by the body. on the contrary, the body is within this subtle yet tangible conscious realm. as awareness rests and roams in this i realize i am having an experience of what 'being refreshed' means. there's a sense of opening everywhere in the entire being. from this place i look at how i was shocked into panic by an unexpected development. now i can see its root cause is a deeply-rooted conditioning, that the reality that i find myself in is the only reality. this illusion is a killer. it blocks grace. it blinds out peripheral vision. it renders me incapable to see possibilities and openings sparkling the way delicate golden sparks are embedded within lapis lazuli.
the moment i recognize this i lift my awareness out of that lower vantage point. my inner vision opens up. i am once again in the clear sky of pure consciousness. hey, this twist actually points the way to do something that previously i thought i couldn't pursue. the limitation is dissolved.

happy anniversary, hwubby and suk wah.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

forgetting is the root of suffering

i have such a new-found appreciation for what the body has been tirelessly and quietly doing for me, supporting me and holding me up. how so? with a sprained right foot i can only sit cross-legged for a short while before the discomfort becomes unbearable. i realize i take so much for granted when everything in the body work well. in another word i forget. from now on when i meditate i will first thank the body for serving me so loyally, for being such a reliable companion on my spiritual journey. without the body i can't meditate, i can't chant, i can't study scriptures, i can't be in the sweetness of my own inner self. forgetting is truly the root of suffering.

strength and clarity are what i need now

there i am, waking up again and again in the night, looking at what's going on in the body. let me see. cold waves ripple through hands, arms, feet and legs. nauseating sensation in the throat. periodic punches in the solar plexus. while all this are going on i am aware of the steady, rhythmic movement of the breath. i fall back asleep a couple of times and get up at four to meditate. by the time i emerge from the formal meditation i feel stronger and clearer. it's all i need to face what's in front of me.

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

to get out of bed or not?

this comes to me in meditation today. when my relationship with the inner self is tight and right, the outer life reflects it. indeed, once i know this is what i want everything in life becomes simple. there's only one question to ask. does this take me closer to the inner self? case in point. this morning i have this ancient struggle of 'to get out of bed or not?' the body and mind say, we are tired. yet there's another part of me that says, you know from experience once you get going and stay in the moment you'll be fine. the bottom line is if i get up later i won't be able to meditate. once i realize that the mind snaps awake and the body follows. sure enough once i get into the flow of preparations for meditation i feel steady and fine.

steady, sublime sweetness

i go to a full day meditation event with the intention to deepen and strengthen my meditation practice. and so it is. i've been hearing the teaching 'god is within' for 19 years. now i am feeling it. the inner space that dwells within this body, this spectacular, magnificent body that serves me so unconditionally, always there, heart pumping, liver purifying, blood circulating and on and on... this inner space contains all that i want to have. joy. peace. clarity. courage. strength. and so much more. from this place and state i can truly taste the full palate of human experience. above all. the sweetness of the self.

before going into meditation this morning i know from huwbby that there is an email about my mother's health sitting in the inbox. reflex pushes me to check it right away. yet, i decide to do it after meditation because i want to stay away from the knee jerk reaction mode. the pull of the inner self wins.

let them come. let them go.

just as i can't predict whether i'll dream tonight i can't predict what mental tendency will come up in meditation. this morning it's aversion. i don't like this. i don't like that. i don't like this about hwubby. i don't like that about hwubby. meanwhile the body is in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture, the breath is flowing in and out with ease. then a teaching that i'm exploring comes to me. i am a mirror. my life is a reflection on the mirror of consciousness. indeed. reflections look real but they are not real. yet they are not far from the reality. after all, i am consciousness, pure consciousness. all these reflections are passing through the body. let them come. let them go. what do i need to do? just watch them come and go from the place of 'i am.' all those reflections are grace that illumine all that which is unnecessary and must burn away.

sorry, body, i've been stuffing you up.

awake at 3. the body is still. the mind is clear and quiet. and it comes to me that for most of my life thus far i have been not giving due attention to the body. by that i don't mean obsessing with weight. i've been stuffing negative thoughts and emotions into the body. really, when i hold onto fear, anger, resentment, greed where do i think they go? they fester in the mind and the mind dwells within the body. i start to say, i'm sorry, body, i've been abusing and neglecting you. then i fall back asleep. and dream.

hwubby and i are traveling. to canada, i think, to attend a major meditation event with lots of people from all over the world participating. we have a home nearby so i think i have no problem getting ready. lord and behold, when i get to the door i see lines of people. i discover my home has been open to all people to come to get ready for the event. i walk in and see people all over the place. it is a huge place. rooms after rooms. beautiful furnishings. exquisite, vintage pieces. closets upon closets of masterfully made clothes. then i'm upset to see i can't even get into my own bathroom. i turn around and see women wearing my cherished cheongsams, chinese dresses. i look at the clock. 8.50. the event is to start 9.10. i think to myself, there's no way i can get there on time. at that point i wake up from the dream, ready to get up and meditate.

this morning's meditation i experience this sweet and close connection to the body with renewed respect. the spine feels a little bit more upright and stronger. the easy lotus posture is that much more relaxed and solid. i really have this sense that i am living in this body, and 'i am' is the inner self.

universal self has other plans

awake i am 3.30am when i go to bed almost 11.30pm. i can feel part of the body and mind saying, we are tired. but there is a stronger pull, much stronger, saying, get up, meditate, you can always go back to sleep. so i do. the posture feels so comfortable that i end up sitting more than two hours. amidst long, deep breathing i hear the inner voice saying, go home sunday. it feels right. what happens is the plan to return from tahoe today, monday, fell through sunday afternoon. meanwhile i have been getting writing done in a steady fashion. as a matter of fact hwubby said it right from the get go, why don't you stay the whole time. but i really didn't feel like away from him so long. well, as it turns out, the universal self has other plans. hwubby is missing me terribly while being totally supportve and says, yeah, you should definitely stay, i'll arrange to send you what you need for food. how lucky i am.

going for the sky and beyond.

3 am. doing my oral thing i have this experience of me watching suk wah getting sucked into some negative mental activity. watching suk wah being pulled here and there by this concern and that worry i could't believe i had lived like that for so long.

then in meditation as i sit comfortably in the body for 2 hours i realize i am having this priceless direct knowledge of who i am and who i am not. i am definitely not that one who identifies with the thoughts and feelings. i am the one who watches with great patience and understanding and clarity and strength. physical strength. mental strength. emotional strength.

a few hours later i am on my way to lake tahoe, taking in the spectacular vista of swathes of alpine trees. they all soar straight up going for the sky and beyond. so am i.

try whatever. play. see where it takes you.

i'm having an experience of the law of inertia. it takes a lot to get the action started. i need to do rewrites on the manuscript. i see resistance, fear, frustration, i'm way over my head, this is too much to handle, what am i thinking, the world doesn't need another novel, blah blah blah, popping up like whack-a-mole.

i confide in hwubby. he says, god is with you, i love you, you are great, keep breathing deep into your belly, feel your feet planted into the floor, the chair supporting you, then, this is important, set the timer to a session of 20 to 40 min, dive in, then get up for a 5 min pause, go out into the garden every so often.

so here i am in the beginning of the first session, sipping tea (yum cha), asking my inner self, where should i begin? open a new doc? or make a copy of the first chapter and use the 'tracking changes' feature? response comes quickly. try 'tracking changes'. try whatever. play. see where it takes you.

right away i realize i don't trust myself. in the words of my editor, lacking confidence. it's part and parcel of the old tendency of unworthiness, afraid of making mistakes, fear of getting lost.

enough of this. i've gotta move on. get out of my head and into the body. i know what to do. i'm not starting from a blank slate. i've already got plenty of good stuff. i am a wonderful writer. i'm building on what i have. dig in, suk wah.

reflections in the mirror of the mind

hwubby says, i'm having this experience of a peace that is beyond understanding, no words for it.

indeed. that's the thing about being with the inner self, being in the inner self, being the inner self. the experience is so beyond the mind, beyond the experience of the senses. in this morning's meditation, the moment i drape the shawl over my head, the final step in settling the body into the easy lotus posture, my awareness just dives instantaneously into a place within that is so great that i have no words for it. there's a wakefulness and alertness that is fresh and exhilarating. yet it is quiet, exquisitely quiet. for a little while i see the mind in the state of a sparkling mirror. all mental activity are but reflections.

the body is a garment that the soul wears

two days ago i was taking care of a situation when i suddenly caught myself head under water in sad feelings. the whole thing involved elderly relatives going through physical deterioration. i knew enough by now not to brush it aside, ignore it, nor indulge in it. it took quite a bit of willpower to shift attention to the steady pace and sound in the ocean of the breath. gradually i moved into the stance of being aware of the sadness rather than being it.

in this morning's meditation i see the message from my inner self. there is a place of pure joy within you. go there. indeed it is the truth. the body is a garment. all garments go through wear and tear. on this note my meditation silk pants are so worn out and yet it's just hard to let it go. in a silly way part of me says, you can't meditate as well in other pants. in a sort of similar way i am attached to the body, equating it with existence, with life itself.

my first wake-up moment along this line was when i was dressing the body of my muimui (younger sister) for her funeral. my mind was preoccupied with one thought, this looks like my muimui, her skin is as fair as ever, but where is she? i had no word for it but it was clear that something left her body.

the body is a garment that the soul wears. i have to take care of it. but the essence of me is the inner self. this is the truth. this is the truth. this is the truth.

i already have the crown jewel

hwubby says, i'm having these moments being really quiet, easeful, not 'exciting,' buzzing, nothing like that, just easeful, relaxed and a sense that 'nothing's in the way.'

since i'm a one trick pony i take this as an articulation of an experience being connected with the inner
self. well, to be more precise, an experience being the inner self for that's what i truly am. the body and all that habitual tendency are but wardrobe. i may like this garment better than that one. that's fine. but i am not the garment, not even if it's haute couture from prada. my grand-teacher says, i don't need anything but i can have preferences.

i have my fashion magazine moments when i sit on the toilet bowl. then i would say to hwubby, look at this rock from harry winston. he says, do you want it? i say, nope, i look at it and that's enough. the truth of the matter is i already have the crown jewel. my own inner self.

hey, wait a sec. i am the crown jewel. hwubby says, yeah, shining wify.