subtle shift

going into panchakarma i don’t really have a specific disease in the likes of diabetes, multiple sclerosis, not even high blood pressure or cholesterol. i’m not on any medication. so it’s more subtle for me to gauge the benefits. not like hwubby. after a couple of weeks into the course of treatments designed for him he’s already off all meds. but, back to me. i notice something is shifting within. i recognize some deeply lodged tendencies are loosened. being judgmental to myself and others. taking what others says or do personal. like this or that. doesn’t like this or that. and so on and so forth. i still see thoughts and emotions roaring. but it’s much easier to just watch instead of reacting to them. it just doesn’t make sense to be tossed around by anger, resentment and their extended family.  as dr ramkumar says, love is the only natural emotion, all other emotions are unnatural. simple and right on the money.

practicing acceptance

i awake at midnight and, boom, an opportunity to practice acceptance walks through the bedroom door. here's what happens. hwubby says, let's go to hong kong for chinese new year. fast forward we clear out the window according to the dates that hwubby found out. from where? probably he googled. it turns out that it is a window between his work commitments. so we book the flights, arrange accommodations, announce to family and friends. meanwhile thoughts after thoughts come up regarding how to plan the trip given it is chinese new year. most importantly i am happy that we will celebrate my aunt ellen's birthday which is on the seventh day of chinese new year. this is the one who has been watching over and looking after my mother tirelessly and selflessly. honest to god i could not have been a better daughter than she is. countless medical appointments, midnight emergencies. so i'm really glad that we have this wonderful occasion to honor her.

so there he is. hwubby bursts through the bedroom door and says, it's not chinese new year. i am jolted awake. i say, what? he says, i was talking to this woman from an international school in hong kong, she wants to see me, so we are working on the date, and i say, we are coming in chinese new year, when is the school holiday over? she says, no, it's not chinese new year. i say, how can that be? she emails me later and says our dates are for last year's chinese new year.

i couldn't fall back to sleep. the mind spins around and races in all directions. i knew something was not right. aunt ellen didn't sound that excited when i told her the dates. i should have followed that tiny inner hum. blah blah blah.

finally, in this morning's meditation, as i work hard to keep coming back to the sound and movement of the natural and easy breath i feel a sense of 'it is what it is.' not passive resentment. just being in the circumstance with all the specifics in the present moment. so hwubby makes a mistake. and he apologizes. i accept it. we move on. none of it takes away what his inner self is already is. i come out of meditation with a clearer and quieter mind. the tendency to resisting what is is further weakened. my ability to stay in the present moment is strengthened a little bit more. what a great thing it turns out to be.

contentment is what i am

i dreamed last night. now i realize it's about two tendencies. envy and jealousy. actually they are siblings. kind of twins. anyway, in the dream i'm with kar yan, a girl in my secondary school. she has a stable, nice family. her parents provide for the children and devote to their education and wellbeing. so there i am in my dream world. i am staying over at her place, a clean, bright, spacious apartment. that's heaven to me considering i live in a shack that has a leaky roof over a concrete floor on which everything take place. kar yan has long, shining, black hair that run like a waterfall. mine is short, curly and unwieldy. we are packing to go some place. her father helps her with the packing. i look at them and wish he is my father. so i don't realize i am pooping directly into the beautiful mocha color cashmere coat that i am wearing. i feel terribly embarrassed. inevitably i have to get up and get going, fully expecting i am making a fool of myself in front of everybody, only to see piles of jewels roll down the coat lining. at that moment i come out of the dream.

fortunately it doesn't take long for me to figure out what's going on. my sustained spiritual efforts elevate me to a vantage point where i can see the root cause of envy and jealousy. disconnecting from the inherent contentment that is my own nature.

let them come. let them go.

just as i can't predict whether i'll dream tonight i can't predict what mental tendency will come up in meditation. this morning it's aversion. i don't like this. i don't like that. i don't like this about hwubby. i don't like that about hwubby. meanwhile the body is in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture, the breath is flowing in and out with ease. then a teaching that i'm exploring comes to me. i am a mirror. my life is a reflection on the mirror of consciousness. indeed. reflections look real but they are not real. yet they are not far from the reality. after all, i am consciousness, pure consciousness. all these reflections are passing through the body. let them come. let them go. what do i need to do? just watch them come and go from the place of 'i am.' all those reflections are grace that illumine all that which is unnecessary and must burn away.