subtle shift

going into panchakarma i don’t really have a specific disease in the likes of diabetes, multiple sclerosis, not even high blood pressure or cholesterol. i’m not on any medication. so it’s more subtle for me to gauge the benefits. not like hwubby. after a couple of weeks into the course of treatments designed for him he’s already off all meds. but, back to me. i notice something is shifting within. i recognize some deeply lodged tendencies are loosened. being judgmental to myself and others. taking what others says or do personal. like this or that. doesn’t like this or that. and so on and so forth. i still see thoughts and emotions roaring. but it’s much easier to just watch instead of reacting to them. it just doesn’t make sense to be tossed around by anger, resentment and their extended family.  as dr ramkumar says, love is the only natural emotion, all other emotions are unnatural. simple and right on the money.

as a matter of fact i am happiness

friends ask, what do you do in the retreat? i say, we sit and be quiet. that simple. and radical too. for the most part of the two days no sooner than the facilitator says, close your eyes, than i go straight to a place of no linear time, no words, no sense of dimension. just a mass of bright serenity, joyous contentment. more often than not i experience my awareness descending at super high speed into the depths of my inner being. it's all very subtle.

there was a time when i came out of meditation upset that i missed the meditation instruction, that i must have not meditated. seriously. of course i was also upset that i didn't have any dramatic experiences. where's the light? thunder? visions? i would feel so disappointed and then envious when others described  their super audio-visual experiences. not anymore. i have come to appreciate my own experiences. really. i notice there are so much less mindless wanderings. i am able to step back with ease from the tendency to worry, to project into the future. when we are chanting a long mantra praising the qualities our own true nature i actually vividly sense that yes, i am not the thoughts, feelings and emotions. my senses are open and functioning but i am not dependent on sensory pleasures for my happiness. as a matter of fact, i am happiness.

the first thing i notice at the end of the retreat is this. where is that lifelong nagging restlessness? and what about the doubting voice? i don't expect they vanish for good but i know now that they are not in the driving seat anymore.

it's not new york pastrami.

i come across in new york times that there's this place in portland, oregon that home smokes and hand makes pastrami. i know all pastramis in new york delis are commercially produced. and i know hwubby loves, loves, loves pastrami. pastrami on rye. reuben. you name it. he loves it. whenever he's in new york he has to have it. so i bring this to his attention. and there we are tasting this. to me, it is fantastic. not greasy. not salted to the tilt. nice texture but doesn't stick between teeth. i look to hwubby and say, with great anticipation, this is great, isn't it? a pause ensues. my heart and stomach sink. hesitantly he says, it's....good, it's not new york pastrami. indeed this is not the pastrami as he knows it. this is not the pastrami that is a part of his childhood. this is not the pastrami in his world. whereas i don't carry all this emotional memory of pastrami.

fear, anger, frustration are great stuff.

here's an exciting breakthrough. there i am reading when out of nowhere a surge of intense emotions arise. what are they? in the moment of the tsunami, i can't tell. but as an afterthought, as i look back, it's a probably a bundle of impatience, frustration, anguish, blah blah blah all mushed up. what triggers it? what is it about? this is where the fruit of my spiritual efforts lift me up and beyond. instead of diving headlong into the contents of the emotions a swell of spiritual will pulls my attention into the movement of the breath. breathe in deep. breathe out even longer. after a little while i notice the tightness in the diaphragm area begin to loosen up a little bit. then i discover something familiar. a throbbing sensation. it pervades my whole being but it is evident that the epicenter is in the fingertips and hands. in fact the fingertips feel like warm water balloons and they are gently bouncing in the ocean of awareness. that immediately reminds me of something. a recurring meditation experience. my fingertips and hands pulse, filled with strong energy currents. by now i already lose sight of all that intense emotions that set off this whole episode. i am so thrilled. this is what the scriptures talk about, what my guru talks about, again and again. the essence of everything in the inner world is energy that flows forth from pure consciousness. that's why the teaching says strong emotions such as fear and anger are great opportunities to take us back to my own true nature. when we have the right understanding, of course. kind of like a life. in the surgeon's hands it can save lives. in the hands of a thug, it kills. great stuff, isn't it.

i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the breath

i know, i know, i want to be a liberated yogi and the hallmark sign of a liberated yogi is not to get worked up about anything and definitely not to react to thoughts and emotions. but for now i just couldn't help it. here's why. this morning there is a hotel charge $165.93 showing up on the credit card. turns out this charge is in the process of being refunded and is takes several days to happen. then there are two charges, $7.95 each. some sort of services to get you onto the web in airports. but hwubby doesn't remember giving credit card info for such services on that date. my point is this. the investor insists on our credit balance showing zero before they would fund the mortgage loan. on one hand i have no problem with that. on another hand this is a corporation that received tens of billions of federal bailout money. so somehow my mind just can't reconcile the two and keeps churning out reaction after reaction, emotion after emotion. really, the corporation gets a huge bailout. it turns around and squeeze responsible borrowers like us. i have outstanding credit score. i have demonstrated that i have been paying all the bills on time. yet the investor wouldn't accept anything other than zero balance, not even after i paid off the almost six thousand dollars of statement balance and another two thousand dollars of current balance. that's a matter of principle? fine. but what the heck is all that bailout money about? wasn't that against the free market principle?

in the end, as i type, i paid off the $181.83. but the mental turbulence is still going strong. i have to keep my eye on the goal. getting the loan through. i guess i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the movement of the easy breath until the mental torrent runs out of momentum. om namah shivaya.

drink mid-autumn moon

snap awake two-thirty. three words appear in the clear inner quiet. mid autumn moon. i get up, look out the window and up. there she is, the dinner plate moon with a wide, misty aura. i say to hwubby, let's go drink the moon. we bundle up, step onto the back deck, sit down and bask in the moonshine. every breath i take is cool, light and comforting. i feel the warmth of hwubby's embrace and lock gaze with the moon. suddenly the gentle luminosity of the full moon switches into dazzling brilliance. only then i realize there has been cloud passing between my eye and the moon. i watch the luminosity level of the moon shift from moment to moment. yet without a doubt the fullness of the moon's radiance has not changed. it's the passing clouds that create the illusion that there is a dip in the glow. this is revelatory. the light of my inner self is ever fresh, ever full, ever bright. it's the clouds of thoughts, feelings and emotions that create the illusions that i am anything less and smaller than the full moon of the inner self.

a difficult meditation

haven't had such eruptions of thoughts, emotions and memory in a long time. i didn't feel like i wanted to give up, get up and leave. whenever i caught my awareness going under in waves of mental activity i just summoned up a little more will, breathed in a little deeper and breathed out a little longer.

i know what the trigger was. the 30 min phone call with mother. i managed to say a few 'hai-ah, hai-ah' which means nothing in particular. other than that i was just working hard inside myself. reminding myself. suk wah, you are not the guilt, you are not bad, you are enough, nothing adds to or diminishes who and what you are.

on a pragmatic level, that's the only way i know how to get my mind into a place where i can see what need to be taken care of and what the proper and appropriate actions are to do that. sometimes the action involves making difficult choices, like saying no. we'll see.