a pill for self-realization?

i have to confess. my scope and breadth of experience with pharmaceuticals start with tylenol and end with aleve. and i have a tendency which is quick to judge. piled on with what happened to my late little sister i sort of dismiss western medicine as 'drug and cut.' now with a vitamin d prescription because of vitamin insufficiency - really, i already feel better when doc says i am not deficient, just insufficient - i notice something interesting happening within. there is this huge sense of relief simply knowing that all this chronic low grade below optimal energy level may be because of this. i gobble up all this info popping up upon googling 'what the heck is this vitamin d deficiency is all about'. okay, not exactly in those words but that's how i feel. it brings up such a heightened sense of hope and expectation and excitement. wow, just taking one or two pills a day for three months may cure me from this condition once and for all. what a happy ending to this soap opera. this is surely the equivalent of asking my guru, is there a pill for full self-realization?

fear, anger, frustration are great stuff.

here's an exciting breakthrough. there i am reading when out of nowhere a surge of intense emotions arise. what are they? in the moment of the tsunami, i can't tell. but as an afterthought, as i look back, it's a probably a bundle of impatience, frustration, anguish, blah blah blah all mushed up. what triggers it? what is it about? this is where the fruit of my spiritual efforts lift me up and beyond. instead of diving headlong into the contents of the emotions a swell of spiritual will pulls my attention into the movement of the breath. breathe in deep. breathe out even longer. after a little while i notice the tightness in the diaphragm area begin to loosen up a little bit. then i discover something familiar. a throbbing sensation. it pervades my whole being but it is evident that the epicenter is in the fingertips and hands. in fact the fingertips feel like warm water balloons and they are gently bouncing in the ocean of awareness. that immediately reminds me of something. a recurring meditation experience. my fingertips and hands pulse, filled with strong energy currents. by now i already lose sight of all that intense emotions that set off this whole episode. i am so thrilled. this is what the scriptures talk about, what my guru talks about, again and again. the essence of everything in the inner world is energy that flows forth from pure consciousness. that's why the teaching says strong emotions such as fear and anger are great opportunities to take us back to my own true nature. when we have the right understanding, of course. kind of like a life. in the surgeon's hands it can save lives. in the hands of a thug, it kills. great stuff, isn't it.

seems far away yet so close

soon after settling into easy lotus posture it dawns on me that i am in the midst of bright black light. it feels bizarre even as i am writing this. the arms, hands and fingers are throbbing with heavy-weight happiness. the energy is exhilarating. with ease it quickly spreads to other parts of the body. the breath becomes deeper and longer. my awareness is totally immersed in the ocean sound and the gentle movement of the chest and belly. i am quietly enveloped in a sense of auspiciousness.

probably sat for a little more than one and half hour. feels like i traveled to somewhere far away. yet so close. less than a breath away. such is the enigma of my inner self.