luminosity of darkness. 1099-misc

i am stepping up my daily spiritual practices with a couple of things. double the time of singing aum to about thirty minutes. for the last couple of years i've been doing thirty-six rounds according to the number of pearls on the necklace i use as a counter. that's about fifteen minutes. now i double the effort. secondly i meditate before going to bed.

whoa. wow. on the first night i dream. it's like i watch the dream with a different prescription. it's so much brighter. the colors are more vibrant. the contours of shapes and forms are incredibly sharper. at one point someone shows me the details of an elaborate wreath that is made of fresh lush green leaves. i can feel the life pulsing in the leaf veins. in another scene, an adorable, chubbo-chubbo toddler comes to my embrace. the amazing life throbbing beneath her translucent, egg-white smooth, peachy complexion is irresistible. since then it's been like that every night. what about the morning meditation with the thirty minutes of aum singing? how about this? the mind plunges into this bright, quiet, open space with the lingering resonance of the last round. sweet warmth oozes from deep within into the limbs, all the way to the fingertips. the sensation of fullness is exquisite. i'm absorbed in awe and wonder at the luminosity of darkness. there's truly nowhere else i'd rather be than in my own being.

then, check this out. as i emerge from the depths of this vast world of black light i hear this crystal clear. 1099. my inner self really never ceases to amaze me. this is the time of the year to start looking into who to send 1099-misc to. after initial moments of lurking anxiety, which i am aware that it is residual tendency, the inner self instructs step by step what to do about it. there you have it. lofty, mystical experience together with the most practical stuff all rolled into one sitting. can't get better than this. so thrilling.

almost spit chai on computer

in this morning's meditation a recurring word comes to me in a gentle and sweet way. judy. i don't need to scribble it down as i usually do with words that appear in meditation. i know exactly what it means. to email a dear, dear friend whose 94 yr old father transitioned a few days ago. before she leaves for the funeral i promise her to say kaddish for her father on sabbath morning with the rabbi and torah study people. it turns out to be a splendid, shining morning. the sun-filled, spacious room overflows with beautiful and bright people. the sound waves of the ancient hymn, that bonds innumerable generations that ever were, are and ever will be coming and going, flows through my entire being and all around me as they ripple out into everywhere in the universe touching my friend, her father and mother and all the wonderful relatives who have come. i am afloat in an expanse of sweet, quiet bliss.

so i come out of meditation thinking this is what i will write to my friend. i open the inbox and what do i see? an email from her. it ends with this, 'As I was listening to the earth hits the coffin, I could also hear my mother saying, "OK then, spicy food and coctails!"'

the surprise chuckle almost makes me spit chai on the computer. what a delightful person she is. and great too. she has been tirelessly serving her marriage for umpteen years. she is showing us how to live in the light and bliss of the present moment.

let the mental cloud pass

hwubby says, meditation is so beneficial. i say, how so? he says, it reminds me of who's who and what's what. he absolutely nails it. he goes on to say, in the last hour i notice how a thought can turn into worry and anxiety and i don't have to do that. i say, that's what sages mean when they say, don't go there. he says, yeah, i am seeing more and more what the scripture says is true, you're neither this nor that. i say, that's right, you're neither worry, nor anxiety, nor 'no worry, no anxiety,' you are quite simply light, consciousness and bliss. he says, yeah, it's like the thought is a screen between me and god, my higher self, inner self, whatever i call it, or a cloud, and the cloud will pass and i can push the screen from right to left.

hey, power to hwubby.

eighteen years of efforts pay off

i say, i am exhausted. hwubby says, you are exhausperated. i say, what? he says, exhausted and exasperated. he's right. i've been on crisis mode 24/7 for one and a half months straight. now even though there are aftershocks and devastation to deal with the main quake is, i can safely say, over. so, yes, i am exhausted. what about 'exasperated?' i haven't yet reflected closely the entire arc of twists and turns. but what comes to me now is, among other opportunities, this has been unbroken practice on acceptance. i have to say this is not my strength. not thus far. there's a deeply rooted tendency to wish things different, to reject, to resist. yet the unfolding circumstances demand me to face them as they are because they are utterly out of my control. now i could have thrown in the towel. here's where eighteen years of putting in steady, sweet efforts pay off. again and again i experience this surge of inner spiritual force lifting me in moments of immense difficulty and apparent impossibility. i recall vividly saying to myself over and over, whatever i have to go through, whatever i have to lose on the outside my inner self, my own greatness, remains full, pure and luminous. and i so i find myself choosing to go toward light with relative ease. i say 'relative' because the residual pattern of 'refusing to accept what it is as it is' keeps nagging me and gnawing at me though it is only a weak whisper, not strong enough to engulf me. not anymore. as a matter of fact i chuckle as i recall something that happened a couple of weeks ago. hwubby says, i'm glad you find it funny. i do. now that's real progress. it means i am in touch with the unchanging bliss of my own self.

meditating on mental activity is like distracted driving

what do i do when i see thoughts or mental activity appear in meditation? i don't drive, though i do have a driving license. it's sort of like keeping focus on steering the vehicle while being aware of things coming and going on both sides of the road. o, there's the store that i have a gift certificate. i wonder if the item i want to have is on sale now. hey, there's that new movie. i wonder if it's any good since this director's last work was crap. look, there's the dessert place that everybody's raving about. if i drive like this i am a hazard on the road. for me, it's similar in meditation. i see mental activity come. i see mental activity go. i don't look into the contents. no exceptions. i just gently bring attention to the sound and motion of the easy breath. do i lapse? you bet. so i return to it over and over and over. usually i see bright,velvety lights in the vast inner space. that's where i want to be in. it brings me so much peace, so much sweetness, so much lightness. as this habit of watching mental activity come and go it gets easier and easier to stay in the present in day-to-day living. i feel more relaxed about everything. the kick is, i can see more clearly what need to be seen than if i am in this worried, anxious, contracted mode. i do it not because some ancient book says it. i do it because it works.

the lights are so bright in the inner self

so much light i see. it's so bright that i feel like i have to close my eyes. but here's the thing. they are already closed. my awareness is roaming in the deep space of the inner self. the brilliant light is truly black. yes. black light. it has an incredible purity to it. it's...clean. on one hand it shines to somewhere beyond my vision. on another hand i'm keenly aware of the contours of my body. the arms and hands are filled with vibrant, throbbing energy. it feel a little strange to realize i'm holding both.

seems far away yet so close

soon after settling into easy lotus posture it dawns on me that i am in the midst of bright black light. it feels bizarre even as i am writing this. the arms, hands and fingers are throbbing with heavy-weight happiness. the energy is exhilarating. with ease it quickly spreads to other parts of the body. the breath becomes deeper and longer. my awareness is totally immersed in the ocean sound and the gentle movement of the chest and belly. i am quietly enveloped in a sense of auspiciousness.

probably sat for a little more than one and half hour. feels like i traveled to somewhere far away. yet so close. less than a breath away. such is the enigma of my inner self.