you would have done it for me, suk wah.

there we are, clara driving since ten in the morning. we stop at a starbucks at noon. she has tea and banana. i have mocha. a nice pause. then it's another hour on the road when it suddenly comes to me i don't see my little backpack at my feet. clara immediately pulls over. i search and search. i ask myself, where do you last see it, suk wah. when i pay at starbucks. then what do you do? i go to the bathroom. o, i must have, i most probably have left it in the bathroom. i hear clara whisper to herself, then it's lost. nevertheless she opens her cell, starts calling for the starbucks in that area. there are two. i call the first one on the list. a guy answers. i explain. he goes to check, comes back and say, no, it isn't here and nobody has turned anything in. my stomach twists. a rock plunges into my solar plexus. clara calmly says, call the second one. as she says that i am just filled with gratitude for having such a friend. you see, clara has been up since before dawn packing up the rental house in tahoe and she has to pick up her dog after dropping me off. anyhoo, back to calling starbucks. this time, when i get to the work 'backpack' the female voice on the other end says, 'yes, we have it here.' i say, thank you, let me call you back.

among the jumble mumble of thoughts that rush through the mind this one jumps out. if i can get into the house i don't need it back today. so i call hwubby who is in seattle for his chinese bone treatments. he says, yes, there are two spare keys and here're where they are. i end the call. i am about to call starbucks again when clara stops me and says, how are you going to get it back? i say, they can pack it up and mail it back to me. clara says, you really think they're going to do that? i say, look, they can say no and i'll figure out something else, maybe i'll give them some money. clara says, in a tone that doesn't take no for an answser, we'll go back. i say, okay, if you'll let me pay a night of dog hotel and the gas money. she says, dog hotel, yes, gas, no. i know clara after five years of studying scriptures together. the deal is done.

we are both quiet all the way to the store. the staff there couldn't be nicer. a girl goes to the back office and retrieves my backpack. everything's there. i thank them. i ask, where did you find it? she points to the table across from the cashier. now i remember. i leave my mocha there before i go into the bathroom. why would i leave the backpack there? i have no idea.

as clara and i sip drinks outside the store, she says, when you were on the phone part of my mind says, o i'm so tired, i can't drive another two hours. she reaches out her hand, gently puts it over mine and says, another voice says, suk wah would have done it for you, i know that's the voice of my higher self, i can do it, let's see ourselves leaving tahoe and arrive here right now. i finish the sentence and say, yes, do over. right then and there she nibs the tendency in me to get stuck in the past.

here's the great thing about walking the path with a committed seeker. every moment is an opportunity to do over, start over, a fresh beginning, a new life.

i am so fortunate to have such a dear friend in clara. indeed. the self is the same in all.

relaxed alertness. even-keeled joy.

as i marvel more and more the crystalline clarity and purity of the visuals in the dream, how refined and luscious those figures of smoke are i realize why the scriptures call this physical body gross. that doesn't take away the holiness of this body, the temple in which we know our own true nature. it's just that i have the experience of what is real. in this morning's meditation it is so clear that the space into where the exhalations dissolve is both within me and holding me. i no longer get frustrated because the mind can't wrap around it. i gently place attention in the movement of the incoming and outgoing breaths, don't try to force anything or judge anything, like, am i doing the right thing, should the inhalations be longer, shouldn't i equalize the inbreaths and outbreaths. blah blah blah.

the other thing i realize recently is i have not been taking enough time and care to come of meditation. because the mind kind of has this habitual way of judging my meditations. o, it's not deep, you are aware of your body, you don't see thunder and lightnings and angels. so usually when i hear the timer i take a few rounds of deep breaths and get up from the asana. what happens is i would get drowsy and even dizzy during the day. but since i have been giving time and attention to bring myself out of meditation my energy during the day is steadier. there is a heightened sense of alertness in a relaxed manner. i am tied tighter and tighter into this state of even-keeled joy. it's so easy now to enjoy things and people and not get attached or bothered.

let the mental cloud pass

hwubby says, meditation is so beneficial. i say, how so? he says, it reminds me of who's who and what's what. he absolutely nails it. he goes on to say, in the last hour i notice how a thought can turn into worry and anxiety and i don't have to do that. i say, that's what sages mean when they say, don't go there. he says, yeah, i am seeing more and more what the scripture says is true, you're neither this nor that. i say, that's right, you're neither worry, nor anxiety, nor 'no worry, no anxiety,' you are quite simply light, consciousness and bliss. he says, yeah, it's like the thought is a screen between me and god, my higher self, inner self, whatever i call it, or a cloud, and the cloud will pass and i can push the screen from right to left.

hey, power to hwubby.

we persevere our way through speed bumps and potholes

i didn't realize i love my weekly spiritual study session so much until it had to be canceled three weeks in a row. so today i go into it with an extra dose of appreciation and a refreshed sense of how precious it is to have a study companion who is so enthusiastic and committed to studying the scriptures and figuring out how to apply the teachings in day-to-day life. i truly feel energized as the session unfolds. i recognize that there is a mystical alchemy when dedicated seekers get together regularly to support each other as we persevere our way through the speed bumps and potholes on the path to become established in our own greatness. i am so fortunate.

forgetting is the root of suffering

i have such a new-found appreciation for what the body has been tirelessly and quietly doing for me, supporting me and holding me up. how so? with a sprained right foot i can only sit cross-legged for a short while before the discomfort becomes unbearable. i realize i take so much for granted when everything in the body work well. in another word i forget. from now on when i meditate i will first thank the body for serving me so loyally, for being such a reliable companion on my spiritual journey. without the body i can't meditate, i can't chant, i can't study scriptures, i can't be in the sweetness of my own inner self. forgetting is truly the root of suffering.

ice cream. duck feet.

a tailored retreat for suk wah. meditation. study scriptures, alone and with fellow yogis. walk in the beautiful nature of lake tahoe. chanting the names of the inner self. yum cha. yummy food. here's the 'tailored' aspect. a bowl of chocolate ice cream and a plate of duck feet. i feel i'm that much closer to paradise:)