choose that which takes you closer to god

is this a message from the inner self? or not? this is the question. as my meditation practice is getting stronger and stabler, little by little, over time, the difference between the choices becomes more and more subtle. not utterly black and white, but rather in a gray zone of various hues. hwubby and i made a decision a couple of days ago. it has consequences that ripple out in all areas of our life. even though we had been doing due diligence, keeping our vigilance and clarity in check in the course leading up to our decision i soon see doubt appear. what if...maybe i should have done this...may be i shouldn't have done that...am i doing the right thing...blah blah blah. in the moment all these thoughts and feelings are real as can be. and as i reflect on it i don't think i was aware of my breath throughout these mental grips. as the agony came to a peak an insight bursts forth. see what happens when you wake up. i get it right away. between sleeping and waking states is this zone that is sort of like deep outer space. with eyes closed i am in this vast place that is quiet, still, crystal clear and suffused with a throb that is subtle and vibrant all at once. here i can see what i cannot see when there are all kinds of thoughts and mental activity clamoring my attention. so, fast forward to the next morning. i am in that space. i look into it. none of those thoughts and feelings that were hammering me the previous day is around. aaah. so they have dissipated. all that i experience is a sense of deep peace and contentment. i glide into it further. and i hear this. the decision is neither good nor bad. it is what it is. now move on. with that i see possibilities open up in all directions as a result of this decision. now i can explore them. isn't that great. then i recall this teaching. choose that which takes you closer to god. if they are pretty much the same in this way, do what's practical.

make space for grace. let go.

a friend just finds out hwubby's pedestrian knockdown episode. she says, that's awful, i'm sorry you had to go through such horror. not missing a beat hwubby says kindly and sincerely, no, i don't think of it this way, not anymore, i really look at it as a growing experience that is still unfolding. our friend says, how so? hwubby says, in the moment when i realize the taxi is coming right at me at, i'd say, thirty-five miles at least, the first thought i have is, why is he doing this, and then the next thought is, what's going to happen, and all this happen in like a nano of a millisecond, and then i am just filled with this clear certainty, don't resist, let go, and i do, and the doctors say that's probably why i have sustained less injuries than it would have been, i have no head injuries, spinal injuries, no surgery needed in the multiple-fractured pelvis, and now as i am dealing with picking up the pieces in work and in life i have to keep reminding myself, let go, let go, and i can see how it is all making space for what's supposed to happen to happen. our friend listens intently with wide open eyes. indeed. hwubby is right. knock out the old stuff. make space for grace.

relaxed alertness. even-keeled joy.

as i marvel more and more the crystalline clarity and purity of the visuals in the dream, how refined and luscious those figures of smoke are i realize why the scriptures call this physical body gross. that doesn't take away the holiness of this body, the temple in which we know our own true nature. it's just that i have the experience of what is real. in this morning's meditation it is so clear that the space into where the exhalations dissolve is both within me and holding me. i no longer get frustrated because the mind can't wrap around it. i gently place attention in the movement of the incoming and outgoing breaths, don't try to force anything or judge anything, like, am i doing the right thing, should the inhalations be longer, shouldn't i equalize the inbreaths and outbreaths. blah blah blah.

the other thing i realize recently is i have not been taking enough time and care to come of meditation. because the mind kind of has this habitual way of judging my meditations. o, it's not deep, you are aware of your body, you don't see thunder and lightnings and angels. so usually when i hear the timer i take a few rounds of deep breaths and get up from the asana. what happens is i would get drowsy and even dizzy during the day. but since i have been giving time and attention to bring myself out of meditation my energy during the day is steadier. there is a heightened sense of alertness in a relaxed manner. i am tied tighter and tighter into this state of even-keeled joy. it's so easy now to enjoy things and people and not get attached or bothered.

i am praying so hard

i am praying for the courage, compassion and clarity to deal with the latest challenge, a health crisis in the immediate family. i pray for the strength to keep remembering again and again i am equal to the challenge. i pray for the sustained focus and fortitude to stay in the present moment. i'm praying for god to be on my side. i pray that i am on god's side, walking the path one small step at a time, impossibly difficult as it might look like at times.

i have access to boundless strength and clarity

today's meditation is mostly....thought waves. and jolts of impatience. at several points i feel like i am on the verge of either exploding on the spot or i must get out of meditation. i summon up all the will i can gather and forcefully breathe in deep and breathe out long. again, again and again. eventually a tiny flash of insight shines forth. fear of uncertainty. discomforts of not knowing the outcome. then mysterious alchemy happens. the unbearable intensity of discomforts comes down little by little. i end up meditating almost two hours, feeling more anchored in my inner self, filled with the conviction that i have access to boundless strength and clarity.

unintended benefit from meditation

i get a thrill every time i say this: it never ceases to amaze me how the inner self looks out for all things, from the lofty to the mundane. a flash from the inner self can be poetic or, in this case, financial. there i am meditating nicely, reveling in the strength and beauty of my easy lotus posture, afloat in the vast and open quiet that is sparkling with sweet clarity and...what do i hear? a number. a percentage. and i know immediately what it means. it points to a possibility to review a situation, that we thought irreversible, and a whole bunch of number crunching. om namah shivaya. it's so exciting. i feel the impulse to jump out of meditation and grab the calculator. i have to summon all my willpower and guide attention to the breathing movement. and i do. this is a great opportunity to practice staying in the present moment. also i need the meditation to really firm myself in the calm and focus of the inner self to take care of this ever-shifting situation properly.

on the note of ever-shifting situation, so much has happened in twenty-four hours. no, actually, in an instant. we are listening to this person giving us good advice. it all looks like we are doomed. do i panic? i ask myself as i listen to her. no. my inner being is quiet and calm and clear. that situation may be doomed but it doesn't diminish my inner self. i am still who i am. from that place and state a question comes up. i ask. the person responds. i ask a clarifying question. she responds. the back and forth keeps going in a steady and relaxed and pleasant manner. before we know it the veneer of inevitability cracks and the light of possibility shines through. we leave the meeting with a handful of possibilities. whoa. wow. if i was paralyzed like a deer caught in headlight i wouldn't have heard the question coming from the inner self. true that i meditate to be fully realized. but i also welcome the unintended benefit of being able to take care of worldly affairs in a way i couldn't have if i am disconnected from the inner self.

i am unconventional. period.

basking in the early afternoon sunshine under the clear sky in the lovely hotel courtyard i am so proud of myself and settled in the shade of the inner sky. i have reconstructed the lost recordings. along the way i pick up a few fresh sparks that, in my editor's words, are out-of-the-box, unconventional and beautiful in the way only i can make it work. in fact, on more than one occasions as we go through the pages, she says, i never thought this could work but it works. one time she points to a specific thing and says, i love this, is this a chinese literature thing? or your thing? not missing a beat i say, it's my thing.

i am unconventional. period. hwubby, one of a kind, that's for sure. now that i know it i have to write it and live it.

this morning's meditation is a simple and clear experience of inner quiet and clarity. that's who i am. that's my inner self. that's the source of all fresh things. writer's block? what's that?