brain collision. brain oxygen

there i am immersed in book rewrites. well, actually, not exactly rewriting but restructuring, reconfiguring the way the narrative flows and fleshing out certain aspects that are not written out in the current manuscript. in particular the immortals world. there are scenes of it but i wouldn't exactly say i have painted a world with characters. what has all this got to do with brain collision? what happens is i am working at seeing what's going on where in that world, who's saying what and doing what and .... hwubby pokes through the door and asks, do we have a record of who we sent books to for the back-to-school email blast? boom, and i am not exaggerating, there goes my brain and eye. i look at him. my mind is in the middle of nowhere. i have completely lost that world and this one too. a total train wreck above neck.

back when i was in vaidyagrama i had bloodwork done. the results show that i am just below normal regarding levels of red blood cells and hemoglobin. fascinating. because the blood work done in the states showed that i am 'within range' and i was told that i was fine, not anemic. since then, and i am not kidding, i have been getting a recurring message from within that says one word, oxygen. i immediately knew what that means. i need more oxygen into the brain.

okay, suk wah, what are you talking about, what's the connection here? bear with me a little bit. so when i was in new york, my sister-in-law insisted on me seeing her chinese doctor. i went. here's something amazing about blending wisdom from the east and knowledge from the west. dr sun put something on my fingertip. it's a small device that fits like a cap. after a few seconds a number shows up. dr sun takes one look at it and says, you don't have enough oxygen.

so here's my inner wisdom telling me. this brain collision experience has something to do with the reality that i need more oxygen in the brain. right now i'm going through a chinese herb regimen prescribed by dr sun. i'm already feeling some difference. at least i am sure that it's not that i am lazy. there is a situation in my body that needs to be fine-tuned. i have to be strong enough to go back and forth between the worlds.

anyway, a chinese doing ayurveda and taking chinese herbs with the data from western medicine. how cool is that. how fortunate i am.

nephew and niece. needs and wants.

my cousin says, we have to go to the outlets. i know my cousin. he is shopping for the kids. sure enough, it's my nephew who needs shirts and shoes. i say, yeah, he is growing like by the minute. my cousin says, no, the school has these events and they have to dress in a certain way. o, i see. i begin to digress with questions like, what's wrong with how they are dressing. anyhow, my cousin says to his daughter, do you want anything? guess what this ten-year-old says? without missing a beat she says clearly and calmly, no, i don't need anything. well, well, well, i am really impressed. this bright sparkle knows the difference between needs and wants. as a matter of fact, when we are in the outlets, the three females, my cousin's wife, niece and me, are all dizzed out after swirling through a couple of stores. turns out we are all into needs, not wants. i know exactly what i need. i acquire $19.99 levi skinny jeans to go with the armani and ferragamo jackets. i don't know how else i can wear them and look good. so, okay, i don't exactly need it. and it's another blog post to go into it. anyway my cousin's wife needs 'uniform' for her corporate job. her daughter plays the role of a portable rack holding her mother's selections. we hang out around the accessories while her mother is in the fitting room. she glosses her eyes over the pretty trinkets. half an hour is all we need and it just about maxes out our shopping tolerance.

now i really digress. anyhoo, of course everybody asks how hwubby is doing. by the way, the kids love, love uncle ben. i say, he is coming along, but he's still got ways to go, and changes in weather really bring on pain and discomforts. my niece asks, why does change in weather make uncle ben have pain? wowow. a mindstopper. right away i realize i am just on auto-play mode repeating what has been repeated generations, actually millenia. for a moment i have the urge to act like a knowledgeable aunt. but i feel a strong msg from within. be honest.  so i turn to my niece and say, this is a great question, and i don't know, i don't know the mechanism and biology involved.

i still don't know the answer to my niece's thoughtful and spot on question. but i do know this. i could not have asked such a question at her age. talk about not just taking things as they are but examining with a clear and strong mind. now, this is hope i can believe in. o, yes, to you parents, doing a great job, contributing big to humanity. without a doubt, my nephew and niece are big boons to humankind.

if it's not one thing it's another.

here's the latest. hwubby and i come home after away for a week. and these days travel is...interesting and a lot of fun what with hauling walker and cane and hwubby being wheeled through airports. many tippings involved of course. anyway the moment we walk through the door hwubby says, something's not right. i say, yeah, i'm tired, that's not right. hwubby says, no, something's not right with the house. i say, the house always smells stuffy and musty after shuttered up for days, can we go to sleep now? good for hwubby. he stands up for his inner message. he says, no, the house is damp, very damp. i say, it's raining, the guy at the airport says it has been raining. hwubby doesn't say i am wrong. he just gently and firmly says, the house is very damp.

i try to go to sleep and all i can hear from within is, the house is damp. finally i surrender. i ask my innermost self, okay, what ought i do? a response comes right away. go to the basement. so i do. i go down to the basement. what do i see? a lot of water. to cut a long story short, turns out the hot water tank is broken. steamy water is all over the basement. of course the house is damp with a nonstop supply of hot steam suffusing a shuttered house. salutations to hwubby and his highest and innermost self. as for me, it takes a while for me to hear what i need to hear. as i reflect on it i can see the mind was veiled by resistance. and don't i know that resistance takes me right out of the present? i do. and yet...oy.

meanwhile it takes a couple of days for a plumber to come out even we plead it is emergency. really. wasting water and gas. i feel so bad about it. anyhow, anyhoo. the water and gas supplies to the water heater are off as i type this. that's the good news. bad news is there are no hot water and heat in the house. the earliest the plumber can come is, check this out, in another six days. not to mention all my meditation journals back in the days of writing them in paper and pen are drying out in the sunroom. do i feel we awful about all this? for a few moments, yes, and then it fizzles out like the specks of foam along the limp waves on a beach. hwubby says, it's not the end of the world. ain't it the truth. above and beyond i take it as an opportunity to practice stay in the present. staying in sync with ever evolving situations as they are not as what i would have liked. after all, if it's not one thing it's another. i am reminded, as i sponge myself, that this is the fundamental attribute of life, and the real and true antidote is to stay firmly connected to my own self and see what i need to see with crystal clarity without preconceived notions, opinions and habitual thoughts. and what do i hear from within? we are so fortunate. indeed. indeed. we are so fortunate. we are so fortunate. we are so fortunate.

choose that which takes you closer to god

is this a message from the inner self? or not? this is the question. as my meditation practice is getting stronger and stabler, little by little, over time, the difference between the choices becomes more and more subtle. not utterly black and white, but rather in a gray zone of various hues. hwubby and i made a decision a couple of days ago. it has consequences that ripple out in all areas of our life. even though we had been doing due diligence, keeping our vigilance and clarity in check in the course leading up to our decision i soon see doubt appear. what if...maybe i should have done this...may be i shouldn't have done that...am i doing the right thing...blah blah blah. in the moment all these thoughts and feelings are real as can be. and as i reflect on it i don't think i was aware of my breath throughout these mental grips. as the agony came to a peak an insight bursts forth. see what happens when you wake up. i get it right away. between sleeping and waking states is this zone that is sort of like deep outer space. with eyes closed i am in this vast place that is quiet, still, crystal clear and suffused with a throb that is subtle and vibrant all at once. here i can see what i cannot see when there are all kinds of thoughts and mental activity clamoring my attention. so, fast forward to the next morning. i am in that space. i look into it. none of those thoughts and feelings that were hammering me the previous day is around. aaah. so they have dissipated. all that i experience is a sense of deep peace and contentment. i glide into it further. and i hear this. the decision is neither good nor bad. it is what it is. now move on. with that i see possibilities open up in all directions as a result of this decision. now i can explore them. isn't that great. then i recall this teaching. choose that which takes you closer to god. if they are pretty much the same in this way, do what's practical.

i listen. i show up.

there i am preparing for a meeting with my editor and i get this recurring inner message. be there earlier. the first couple of times i dismiss it as a tendril of worrying. really. i am making sure i will be on time. at the time when we made the appointment time she made clear that she had a lot of phone calls to make before seeing me. so i am ready to disregard this prompting as just a recurring thought. but it keeps returning. stronger and stronger. not a shouting voice. no snowballing, i mean, i don't see the mind get caught up in reacting thoughts like if i don't go there earlier this and that would happen or not happen. here's what i finally decide. i'll go into her neighborhood half an hour earlier and take a swirl through a favorite grocery store and see how i feel at that point. so i do. i even get a cup of coffee and sip as slow as i can. but this thought is relentless. it steps up intensity. so i think to myself. okay, what the heck, i'll be outside her house a few minutes earlier. check this out. when i am a couple of houses from my editor's i see these two women getting into a car. i immediately recognize the one getting on the passenger's side is my editor. the first thought i have is this. she has forgotten my appointment. i wave and pace up at the same time. it turns out that a friend is taking my editor to the hospital. it's an emergency. the bottom line is this. if i didn't show up a few minutes earlier i would have been left on the doorstep. i would have been waiting and waiting and outraged. instead i show up and offer her healing blessings. thank you, my innermost and highest self.

keep eye on the highest.

i had my share of travel days. i would love to go to places far away and just roam. now that i have a solid meditation practice all i need is to go into the meditation closet, sit on the mat, close my eyes, settle attention in the breath flow, and i enter this space that is way larger than the body. it is actually sort of like the deep outer space. i can't see the edge of it. yet it is held within my being. with every breath this sense of marvel builds and builds and builds. there are days that i come out of meditation reluctantly because there are things that have to be taken care of. the desire to go deeper and higher into this space gets stronger with each meditation. as a matter of fact when i first got the call that hwubby was hit by a taxi in new york among my very first thoughts was this. o, no, i hope i can keep meditating every day. as it turns out i get to stay in a two bedroom garden level apartment in a townhouse all that time. i have it all to myself. not only do i get to meditate everyday i even have my own meditation room. one three a.m. i awake to this magical vista in the courtyard. overnight snow transform the space into a fantasy landscape. bluish white domes sit on top of pots. sparkling white snakes cling to tree branches. as i take in this i hear this message from within. keep your eye on the highest and you'll be fine. i feel more than fine. i feel i am with life and life is with me.

reborn turkey soup with thai touch

hwubby walks in the door from the dark cold outside. he says, it smells beautiful. i ladle out a bowl of steaming turkey carcass soup. he says, this smells like a dream, looks like a dream and you are a beautiful dream. i gotta say this turkey soup is a beautiful dream all right. cubes of carrots, turnip and potato float. i layer the bowl bottom with slices of the bright white, juicy breast meat that i carved out earlier. the aroma is intoxicating with notes of celery, pepper, onion, garlic, ginger, sage. it's so good that i have three big bowls and that's my supper.

today i'm going to take it up another notch. how? listen to this. i come downstairs after meditation to make my chai and what do i see? an almost empty jar that has a little bit of thom yum paste. this is the interesting part. it's been loitering on the counter for a while. i mean to but somehow i never get around to make a thom yum. in this moment i know why. today i'll spoon a little bit into the soup, not to make a thai soup out of it but just to heighten it with some spunk. now that's a truly inspired inner message:) hwubby says, we'll have old soup today? i say, no, the turkey is too huge for the pot so i had to leave a big piece out. therefore today's soup is not leftover but reborn. this is really something fun to look forward to.

what fabulous cousins and nephew and niece i have. i am truly lucked out. thank you tommy, daisy, byron and agnes.