deeeliish rose water

again, without any mental pushing, meditated two hours. actually the last half hour is for coming out of meditation. kind of like the trip after summiting a peak. as important as the climbing up part. at times i watch my body and mind and breathing movement simply in awe. evidently an invisible power that is out of my conscious control is at work here. i didn't even think of meditating two hours. in fact i was telling myself, one hour is okay, suk wah. but then when the beeps of timer seep into hearing through the earplugs it is clear that the body is still comfortably immersed in this stable, upright and strong posture. i scan around within. there is not an iota of urge to move any fiber or ligament. the limbs are pulsating a lively hum. the tempo is powerful and lyrical all at once. every cell is just fine where it is.

i ponder what has made this miracle possible? of course i understand all the efforts i have been putting in count. but what is the, shall i say, 'last straw on the camel's back' but in a fantastic way?' what pushes the scale to this off the chart way? not missing a beat an inner message appears quietly and tenderly. yummy rose water. i get it. what is happening is a couple of days ago i had the great good fortune to receive an abundance of knowledge about what and how to eat in accordance with the ancient ayurvedic principles in summer season. that night i started making this deeliiiish rose water with roses from my own backyard. yesterday i throw out the old grocery list, make out a new one and stock up on all that are hydrating, moisturizing, oily - as in avocado, not fry food -, sweet and cooling. sublime creations like roses have powers that uplift the body and mind. appreciating a rose's beauty is acknowledging the light of the self within it.

i've always loved my roses. now i love them even more.

what is stopping me from whittling away at it?

this morning's meditation is bright, awake. after getting out of bed it comes to me to go into the yard for a little bit. a little bit. that's very clear. so i do. i water the roses. our eight roses are splendid and forgiving. they are so happy just to get a little bit moisturized while sending up these gorgeous, fragrant beauties even though i've been holding back on watering because of water department recommendation. anyway i have a pattern of going into the yard and getting carried away not realizing i am exhausting myself, often to the point of hurting the body. where am i? o yes, so i meditate after half an hour in the yard. that in itself takes all the spiritual will i have accumulated. i can feel the pull to stay longer. i can hear the figs, bamboos are saying, good morning, so nice to see you. but, really, my point is somehow this unscheduled activity imbues my meditation with brightness and alertness that are marinated with intoxicating sweetness. i watch the inbreath deepening naturally, the outbreath lengthening. i respectfully hold attention on the space where the outbreaths dissolve into like foam into ocean. the sense of satisfaction is beyond measure. the closes approximation i can come up with is this. lying on the silky, milky sand on the fiji island where the movie that brooke shield stars in when she is sixteen, drop dead gorgeous. sparkling and gentle waves wash the body in these massage moves that smoothe out whatever tensions lodged within fibres and tissues. the mind that is conditioned to get satisfaction from things external can't really wrap around this. it's all right. i don't feel the urge to explain it. i just watch the mind go vibrantly still. i know i am washed clean by the source of potentiality from whence the physical universe and stars, planets and galaxies spring.

so there i am reveling in this wonder all within my own being when some long-buried memory makes its appearance. it comes with embarrassment and shame. probably i have consciously shoved it into some dark attic in the belly or pinkie. i make an effort to take in a deep, deep breath. as the oubreath makes its course, long and fine like the lotus stalk that arises out of a muddy pond, i look at it, in spite of the habitual pull that says, no, i don't want to look at it.

i am all of twenty-eight. i decide i want to write a movie script. so i do. i take it to a producer in a big movie studio. a few weeks later she calls me and says, i show it to my boss, she likes it, she wants to talk to you. what else could she want? make it into a movie. she says, suk wah, you play a nice planning role, after a few you'll direct. now, here's where my stupidity and arrogance kick in. it was the time when the first 'rocky' comes out. somehow i am hit with the idea that i can push this. so i say, either i direct or no movie. well, the studio head complies and shelves it.

before returning attention to meditation i ask this question. why am i seeing this now? what do i have to learn from this? the answer comes in a follow up memory. several years after that episode the studio head says, suk wah, i really like that script, is there any way you can look at it again? did i do it? no. why? i don't know. bingo. this is it. this is what's relevant to me right now. i have this manuscript. in order to finish it properly, to get it out there, i have to look at it again. and some how i just can't bring myself to examine it line by line, page by page. what is stopping me from whittling away at it day after day, the way i wrote it in the first place? 

salutations to spiritual technology

i've been listening to an ancient mantra specifically for removing negativity and doubt. three to nine times at a time. mp3 and adobe files are on the desktop. i put on headset and instantly transported to the world where the fiery form of lord shiva tears off the fifth head of brahma. the brahmin's voice is pure and strong. the melody is more than lyrical. i can feel the vibrations working in the bone marrow and beyond. feeling great is great. but there's also proof is in the pudding. so now what's happening is the tune is sort of set into a neural circuit. it loops. i guess i can say i am having an experience of what the scriptures and guru say, to the effect, you can't just yank negativity out of the mind just like that and once and for all. well, i can but it's when i've already done enough spiritual work to prepare myself. suffice to say i am not in that category, not yet. here's the good news. the mind tends to get bored. it is all into the next new thing and wants to go towards the light. the light of joy. the light of courage. the light of strength. so a proven and tested remedy is to give the mind a new habit to chew on. when the mind is busy with setting up the new loop, audio, visual or a combination of both, i forget about negativity. and when i am aware of them i see them for what they are. ocean foam. look real but uc-ah. nope. that's fabulous news to me. no fighting necessary. easy way out. now all i have to to when i catch a thought, emotion that don't look and sound like my own inner self, just hit the buttons on the desktop and, voila, i am back in my own inner self. for some highly evolved yogis they don't need to go into such a long and elaborate chant for this purpose. but, mind you, suk wah, this is a thought that sounds like comparing based in poverty consciousness. go right back to the mantra. right now. okay. after posting this on facebook and twitter.

salutations to the power of spiritual technology.

nephew and niece. needs and wants.

my cousin says, we have to go to the outlets. i know my cousin. he is shopping for the kids. sure enough, it's my nephew who needs shirts and shoes. i say, yeah, he is growing like by the minute. my cousin says, no, the school has these events and they have to dress in a certain way. o, i see. i begin to digress with questions like, what's wrong with how they are dressing. anyhow, my cousin says to his daughter, do you want anything? guess what this ten-year-old says? without missing a beat she says clearly and calmly, no, i don't need anything. well, well, well, i am really impressed. this bright sparkle knows the difference between needs and wants. as a matter of fact, when we are in the outlets, the three females, my cousin's wife, niece and me, are all dizzed out after swirling through a couple of stores. turns out we are all into needs, not wants. i know exactly what i need. i acquire $19.99 levi skinny jeans to go with the armani and ferragamo jackets. i don't know how else i can wear them and look good. so, okay, i don't exactly need it. and it's another blog post to go into it. anyway my cousin's wife needs 'uniform' for her corporate job. her daughter plays the role of a portable rack holding her mother's selections. we hang out around the accessories while her mother is in the fitting room. she glosses her eyes over the pretty trinkets. half an hour is all we need and it just about maxes out our shopping tolerance.

now i really digress. anyhoo, of course everybody asks how hwubby is doing. by the way, the kids love, love uncle ben. i say, he is coming along, but he's still got ways to go, and changes in weather really bring on pain and discomforts. my niece asks, why does change in weather make uncle ben have pain? wowow. a mindstopper. right away i realize i am just on auto-play mode repeating what has been repeated generations, actually millenia. for a moment i have the urge to act like a knowledgeable aunt. but i feel a strong msg from within. be honest.  so i turn to my niece and say, this is a great question, and i don't know, i don't know the mechanism and biology involved.

i still don't know the answer to my niece's thoughtful and spot on question. but i do know this. i could not have asked such a question at her age. talk about not just taking things as they are but examining with a clear and strong mind. now, this is hope i can believe in. o, yes, to you parents, doing a great job, contributing big to humanity. without a doubt, my nephew and niece are big boons to humankind.

encore cold shower

once the inertia is overcome the mind is more open, the body is more relaxed and i can really see what's possible. for instance. it takes some doing to have the first cold shower. turns out i like it. hey, if it were not for the broken water heater...not that i wish it on anyone. i digress. soon i notice the skin towel that i've been using during shower. hey, i can use it to dry scrub, get circulation going before stepping into the cold. so i do. it's amazing. an explosion of refreshing, invigorating tingles. fireworks in my whole being. as i wrap myself in a towel there is this vibrant warmth spreading from within. it's enlivening. as a matter of fact i meditate that much deeper this morning. i actually have the sense that i am beginning to enter the space between breaths. now i like it so much i'm even kind of thinking, i'm gonna miss this when hot water is back.

he doesn't understand me. true?

a while back, like nineteen years back, several months into my stay in the ashram, i had this encounter with a swami. this memory hasn't surfaced for this long until now when i am reflecting on the impact of a regular meditation practice on the arc of life, rather than being tunnel-vision, nitpicking the day-to-day meditation experiences. so, back to the encounter. this swami is not into small talk. really, really, not into it. we are walking on a path through the sprawling woods on the ashram grounds, in opposite directions. i don't't expect him to say anything to me at all. so i am surprised when he says, suk wah. my mind goes blank. his eye stays on me, and says, how are you doing? by knee jerk reaction i blurt out, fine. i am all but fine inside. i cannot sit still on the meditation mat for more than a minute. the mind is constantly churning out thoughts, feelings and reactions that are judgmental, anxious, angry, sad, blah blah blah. and they all feel important to me. they are so real. i am so frustrated that meditation can't make them go away. recently i see this horrific image of innumerable cargo containers chaotically piling on top of each other after the tsunami in japan. that's sort of how chaotic and out of control my mind is at that point. those unyielding mental tsunami totally gut out my connection to my inner self. i want to ask the swami an intelligent and smart and thoughtful question to show him what an evolved yogi i am. but, oy, i can't think of a word. i am babbling on and on here. in the moment it lasts exactly that. a moment. no wonder the scripture says thought travels faster than the speed of light. anyway the swami pauses for a moment, and says to me, keep meditating. then he walks away. i remember now clearly my reaction to his words. i think to myself, no, you don't understand what i am going through.

nineteen years later. i realize he does know what i go through. that day on the path in the woods i am in a muddled state. the mind is going through a tsunami. i get swept up in the towering waves of dark thoughts, feelings and reactions. in the teachings of the buddha i take what's impermanent permanent. now i know all thoughts, feelings and reactions come. and go. without exceptions. unless i hold on to them. unless i feed into them. this is where my regular meditation practice take me across these turbulent waters. i gently return attention to the steady, rhythmic movement in the natural and easy breath while i notice and observe these mental waves. i don't treat one more important than the other. the differences in contents don't matter. what matters is my attention go underneath the contents and stay with the power of the throb that is obviously driving these mental waves.

yes, the swami understands me. he knows i have what it takes to keep meditating. he knows in time i will come to see what i need to see if i keep meditating. thank you, swamiji.

sit. walk into the heart. clean mirror

here's how i would describe the way i look at my meditation practice right now. every day i sit down on my meditation mat. by the way this one has been such a loyal companion for eighteen years. anyhow, anyhoo, i sit, jump into the river of the breath and glide into the subtle heart, my innermost self. everyday is an adventure, a travel into the inner space. these days as i follow the path of the inhalation and exhalation i see that the space where the inhalation emerges is no different from that into where the exhalation disappears. little by little, day by day, this space shows me how vast it is. the mind can't reach its limits.

the metaphor that sort of approximates what happens in meditation is this. it is spiritual mirror cleaning. all that dust and dirt over the mirror get wiped out. i get mental clarity. for instance, today i see a road map regarding a knotty situation that hwubby and i have been working on. not that it is all resolved in one neat move. rather it illumines the next move. aaah. to stay in the present. now, even that is not my purpose to meditate. so i scribble it down, let it go and move on, deeper and higher into my own true nature.

body is in space and space is in body.

who knew?! yogic realization while doing finances. of course. why not. here's how it goes down. there i am working on the p and l and, in a quiet manner, i notice a deepening in my outbreaths. my awareness is in this huge subtle space while i am aware of the contours of the body. a question arises. is this subtle space in my body? or the body inside the space? in a mystical way this question illuminates something that has been sort of frustrating me for a long while, like, years. i have been attempting over and over to meditate on the space between breaths. breathe in. notice where breath arises. breathe out. notice where the breath dissolves into. after a little while i always gets confused. am i doing the right thing? i seem to have lost track of where the breath arises and where it dissolves into. is the former outside of me? is the latter inside me? and so it all makes me feel i am sort of not getting anywhere, not 'getting it.' back to where i am, preparing a spreadsheet of financial data, and i clearly see that there is only one space. the body as a barrier is just a limiting thought. turning away from that thought, what am i left with? the understanding that this subtle space is within the body and the body is within the subtle space. this is such a paradox that no wonder the mind has trouble wrapping it around.

now i can return to the spreadsheet. thank you, my own innermost self, for the illumination.

i need to keep the schedule

so much going on. so much unexpected twists and turns. all the more necessary for me to keep up with the schedule of spiritual practices. i need to keep the schedule. morning meditation and guru gita are must. only then i can stabilize and strengthen the mind in the understanding and awareness of who and what i am and not getting swept into the seesaw of emotions, thoughts and feelings, within me and in others. not the least is the pressures from all directions saying, you must do this, you ought to do that, no, you are wrong, you shouldn't ask this or do that. blah blah blah. this is the opportunity to cultivate standing up and speaking up for myself in hwubby and my highest and best interests while working through the system of rules and counting our fortunes. on that note, how about this one? i come out of meditation, prepare breakfast. ginger tea and a slice of toast. this is no ordinary toast. my gracious and generous host karun makes this phenomenal bread from sprouted organic grains, incl wheat berries, rye, millet, and mung beans. the loaf is covered with flax seeds. every slice is a meal in itself. a bite into it and i feel the body say, i love it.

i am as tough as the challenge.

my editor says, whether you like it or not, this book is a fantasy, sort of. immediately i can feel the tendencies to resist, argue and go on defensive. i can see the mind shouting, no, it's not, the characters from the chinese immortals world are to help and guide the heroine to reconnect with her own immortal world within, it is not fantasy. my editor says, suk wah, that's not what comes across to the reader. words cannot do justice to the cold, acidic disappointment that is fizzling all over me. the mind moans, i work so hard not to write a fantasy, this is terrible. so in the last few days i have been drawing on all the inner spiritual force that i have accumulated. i bring my attention back to the truth, again and again, it is what it is and it is not who you are, it's just a situation to take care of. a tough one. and that means i am tough enough for it. i am as tough as the challenge. not less. not more. just equal.

enough is my nature

here's what i've come to believe. when i sit down with the intention to meditate whatever happens is meditation. so it is when i sit through today's session with a foggy mind humming with fatigue i choose to take an inner stance of the highest and innermost self is looking at mental clouds coming and going over the vast sky of pure consciousness. i see how i got the mind into this state. i've been up since five working through a bunch of things in a hotel room, making ginger water, chapati, chai, packing a day's worth of food and snack for hwubby and a business meeting, all before meditation and on an empty stomach. i have to do better tomorrow. since i can't meditate until hwubby leaves i have to have breakfast around seven and figure out meditation later.

do i feel i have a 'good enough' meditation today? you bet i do. i am enough and good enough. enough is my very inherent nature.

doubting, second-guessing are spiritual killers

just one thought could rock the inner boat. case in point. we signed a bunch of important papers in the morning. it was the culmination of two months of hard work and masterminding. i felt tremendous relief. until in the afternoon when i caught myself already in a thought wave of doubting and second-guessing. i should have...what if i didn't... there was a time when i would be so caught up in it that this broken record was stuck in the mind for days and weeks. this time around i catch myself looking at it and the power of sustained spiritual efforts lift my perception to a higher vantage point. an inner message appears. this is not you. drop it and forget about it. so i summon the will and intention to kick them out into the field of pure consciousness. i keep doing it for a little while like scrubbing hard stains on the kitchen floor. i take a pause and scan the inner state. the negative thought wave is much weaker than before. it is now a lingering whisper hovering in the far horizons of awareness.

very soon after i settle into this morning's meditation i experience this message. meditation reveals my worthiness. it is pure. my own greatness is unaffected by anything. i feel this surge of strength from deep within the belly. with that i notice the inbreaths becoming even deeper and the outbreaths longer. just like that i relax into my own mystical world.  my own grace draws grace. great things happen. i see grace absorbing all that negative tendency. the mental mirror is a little clearer and cleaner.

i don't have to prove i am right

i need to make a difficult phone call and i can see the mind going wild: they won't understand, they'll be so disappointed, i can't handle it, it's all too much. blah blah blah. so i do the only thing i know how. i say to myself, i'll go to sleep, get up super-duper early, meditate and then make the call.

i do all that. and then some. i meditate two and a half hours. for most of that time i watch all this tumultuous mental activity spinning out and all around me. but i do what i could to hang in there with the shaft of golden light that stands tall and strong from the base of spine to the top of head. eventually the body and mind settle down and i enjoy the sweet stability in my own self so much that i can just sit quietly like that all day long if i didn't have to take care of what's necessary.

while i prepare to come out of meditation two simple instructives appear: listen with full attention. simply state the facts. i know what they are for. they are telling me, drop the defenses, stay in the present with what is whatever it is. indeed. one of the ways that i have been 'off the mark' is being defensive, that i have to prove i am right, that i have to be understood and accepted. no. i don't.

hooooh. i feel so much lighter and clearer just having this understanding. anchored in this place and state i go on the phone. i listen with an open and patient mind. i explain the facts as i know it. i respond to clarifying questions. i can hear the disappointment in the person's voice. i acknowledge it, i thank her for being so understanding and kind and the dialogue keeps going. the situation itself is still difficult but the way i feel about it is different. some old knot deep within is untangled. it is so worth it to put in the effort to stay tight with what is.

me and my inner self, we go places

there i am getting started to reconcile the bank statement. and...boom, i am tested. what do i mean by that? the opening balance is four grand off. the first thought that explodes in my mind says, that's impossible, it was fine when i reconciled last month. for a fleeting while i go blank. the next thing that i am aware of is the rhythmic movement of the breath. just like that i find myself watching the sky of the inner being. it is vast and open and bright and clear. sure there are dark clouds going by. they say, o no, suk wah, you screw up, you can never fix this, blah blah blah, so on and so forth, the usual stuff. but i am not buying into it. i see my entire being settling into a state of calm, confidence and focus. i clearly feel a power steadily surging up from within. supporting me. anchoring me. i feel fluid and flexible. i see the tendency to feel stuck appear. i ask myself, is this who and what i am? no. no. no. i know, from deep within, i am equal to the challenge. i swiftly deepen and lengthen the breath. after a little while i begin to regain a sense of stability. with that i hear one prompting after another from inside. take a pause from it. i follow it. i go into the kitchen, sit down and have some mango. nice, juicy, golden mango. it never ceases to amaze me how magical mango is. as i am absorbed in the nectarean nature of mango i hear the next inner prompting. reconcile the personal account and credit card statement first. i decide that's a smart move. why hold up the process because of a glitch?! i finish the last morsel of mango flesh. i feel so much better. i return to the computer and reconcile the personal account statement. it goes smoothly. no sooner than i hit the 'done' button i see this thought. check the opening and closing balance. i know exactly what it means. i'm doing july. take the june statement. compare the opening and closing balances with those on the quickbook register. if they don't match go back to may. i do that. may is off. i go back to april. still off. then it's march. bingo. the opening balances match. that's it. i pore through the march transactions. within seconds i see where it's off.

hwubby says, you're such a good investigative detective. i say, yeah, me and my inner self, we go places. my inner self says, yeah, there's a solution within every situation, you just have to stay in the present and listen.

watching the play of the mind

hwubby says, you smell so nice, like...sweet meditation. indeed. i just come out of meditation. another sweet one. often i wonder what it is like to be fully realized. but afloat in the open, quiet sweetness of the inner self it doesn't matter whether i get to that point in this lifetime. it's sublimely satsifying just to know that i have this place and state within and i know how to get there. in fact i am that place and state. clothed with this understanding and fed by the direct experience i watch the play of the mind like looking at reflections in a mirror.

sweet, sweet meditation

such a sweet meditation. upswell upon upswell of cool, refreshing, tingling energy from the base of spine. the hands and arms are buoyant balloons. the body is stable and comfortable in the easy lotus posture. the mind is alert. the mood is...simply swell in a quiet and even way. the day is wide open. the tasks are many. and i feel fine about everything, anything.

universal self has other plans

awake i am 3.30am when i go to bed almost 11.30pm. i can feel part of the body and mind saying, we are tired. but there is a stronger pull, much stronger, saying, get up, meditate, you can always go back to sleep. so i do. the posture feels so comfortable that i end up sitting more than two hours. amidst long, deep breathing i hear the inner voice saying, go home sunday. it feels right. what happens is the plan to return from tahoe today, monday, fell through sunday afternoon. meanwhile i have been getting writing done in a steady fashion. as a matter of fact hwubby said it right from the get go, why don't you stay the whole time. but i really didn't feel like away from him so long. well, as it turns out, the universal self has other plans. hwubby is missing me terribly while being totally supportve and says, yeah, you should definitely stay, i'll arrange to send you what you need for food. how lucky i am.

depression is a function of disconnection from the inner self

what is depression? in my simple mind, depression is a function of disconnection from the inner self. actually i dare to go so far as to say that depression is a distorted expression of yearning to connect with the inner self.  a spiritual dis-ease.

i can see now what was happening with me when i was going through clinical depression. i was up to my eyeballs in the beliefs that are not what the inner self is. i'm hopeless, life is hopeless, i'm not enough, life is never enough. and so on and so forth. i had very good therapy. what it did was to help me get some distance between me and those mental pain and anguish. i really needed it. then i heard a thoughtful swami say something like this, psychotherapy can get you cope and manage. however it doesn't get to the root. at best it helps you get to an equilibrium. sort of like balancing on either end of a see-saw. whereas meditation takes you to the center of the seesaw where you can watch the ups and downs on both ends.

reflections in the mirror of the mind

hwubby says, i'm having this experience of a peace that is beyond understanding, no words for it.

indeed. that's the thing about being with the inner self, being in the inner self, being the inner self. the experience is so beyond the mind, beyond the experience of the senses. in this morning's meditation, the moment i drape the shawl over my head, the final step in settling the body into the easy lotus posture, my awareness just dives instantaneously into a place within that is so great that i have no words for it. there's a wakefulness and alertness that is fresh and exhilarating. yet it is quiet, exquisitely quiet. for a little while i see the mind in the state of a sparkling mirror. all mental activity are but reflections.

hammer the body and mind into gold

here's how the menorah should be made as instructed by yhvh. the lampstand is hammered from gold from base to petal. the seven lamps give light at the front of the stand.

in this simple mind i see the lampstand to be the body and mind, the lights the light of god. god's light shows me the way forward. god's light is the way forward. god's light is the path. the lights are blazing within the lampstand. so is the light of my own self within me. 'hammered' is a keyword. so is 'gold.' i have to work hard to turn the body and mind into pure gold in order to hold the light. for me, meditation is the 'hammer.'