the fear of losing myself gone

in 2010 i memorized one of my guru's poems, 'a thousand mirrors.' i love it so much that this year i'm doing another one, 'breakthrough.' here's how much i love it. every morning, i enter my meditation closet, sit down on my meditation mat, arrange the body into an upright, supported and comfortable posture, close my eyes, start gathering attention to the sound and flow of the easy breath. and then i recite 'a thousand mirrors' and 'breakthrough,' up to the verse that i'm currently memorizing.

this morning, something strange and spectacular happens. a few verses into 'a thousand mirrors' i watch the flow of words from my vocal cord disappear. just like that i am in a space and state that is beyond the linear passage of time, beyond words, beyond action. it is within my awareness and it is holding all that were, all that are and all that will be. the closest approximation that comes to me, as i type this, is deep outer space and beyond where the births and deaths of planets, stars and galaxies happen. billions upon billions of them. after i don't know how long in terms of seconds and minutes the flow of words resume in a natural manner. after another few verses again the word flow gently comes to a pause and i find myself in that realm of beautiful quiet and sweet stillness. by the time i stand up from the mat two hours have gone by.

now here's another fantastic thing. i don't feel fear. the fear of losing myself. not a trace. really, if that is where i'll dwell and how i'll live what's to be afraid of.

another thing i notice is this. the poem flows out of me effortlessly. i have no doubt i own it. that which my guru transmits to me through the river of words belongs to me. the truth of the matter is i have it all along. she is showing me what i already am. such is the power of grace.

keep eye on the highest.

i had my share of travel days. i would love to go to places far away and just roam. now that i have a solid meditation practice all i need is to go into the meditation closet, sit on the mat, close my eyes, settle attention in the breath flow, and i enter this space that is way larger than the body. it is actually sort of like the deep outer space. i can't see the edge of it. yet it is held within my being. with every breath this sense of marvel builds and builds and builds. there are days that i come out of meditation reluctantly because there are things that have to be taken care of. the desire to go deeper and higher into this space gets stronger with each meditation. as a matter of fact when i first got the call that hwubby was hit by a taxi in new york among my very first thoughts was this. o, no, i hope i can keep meditating every day. as it turns out i get to stay in a two bedroom garden level apartment in a townhouse all that time. i have it all to myself. not only do i get to meditate everyday i even have my own meditation room. one three a.m. i awake to this magical vista in the courtyard. overnight snow transform the space into a fantasy landscape. bluish white domes sit on top of pots. sparkling white snakes cling to tree branches. as i take in this i hear this message from within. keep your eye on the highest and you'll be fine. i feel more than fine. i feel i am with life and life is with me.

sit. walk into the heart. clean mirror

here's how i would describe the way i look at my meditation practice right now. every day i sit down on my meditation mat. by the way this one has been such a loyal companion for eighteen years. anyhow, anyhoo, i sit, jump into the river of the breath and glide into the subtle heart, my innermost self. everyday is an adventure, a travel into the inner space. these days as i follow the path of the inhalation and exhalation i see that the space where the inhalation emerges is no different from that into where the exhalation disappears. little by little, day by day, this space shows me how vast it is. the mind can't reach its limits.

the metaphor that sort of approximates what happens in meditation is this. it is spiritual mirror cleaning. all that dust and dirt over the mirror get wiped out. i get mental clarity. for instance, today i see a road map regarding a knotty situation that hwubby and i have been working on. not that it is all resolved in one neat move. rather it illumines the next move. aaah. to stay in the present. now, even that is not my purpose to meditate. so i scribble it down, let it go and move on, deeper and higher into my own true nature.

this body is a temporary garment

hwubby and i take a walk basking in the afternoon sun. it's so nice holding hands and feeling the warmth of each other. one warmth. it's been such a long time since we've been able to do that. i remember something my teacher say when she was a teenager. as an indian and knowing little english, she was given the task to translate her teacher's teaching talks in front of large audiences of foreigners. she asks her beloved teacher, why do you give me so little time to prepare? he says, to the effect, then you can truly appreciate the power of grace. as the question and answer appear on the screen of the bright and quiet mind i realize i am having just that, an experience of the power of grace. there are so many challenges and uncertainties in our lives. yet my inner space is sweet, warm, pristine and permeating the fragrance of freedom. from this vantage point it is clear, without a doubt, that everything in the physical universe, circumstances, situations, are simply reflections in the mirror of my pure consciousness. this body is a temporary garment sheltering the ever-great, ever-full, ever-fresh inner self.

disconnected from inner self...a walking dead

the moment my eyelids are down when i sit down for formal meditation i'm entering the inner space while being aware of the external space. for a long, long time i really think this inner space has nothing in it and i don't think i have ever had any meditation experience. this morning something comes to me. just as the outer atmosphere is filled with something invisible called air which holds oxygen, the critical component to sustain human life, this inner space holds something even more magnificent than oxygen. the firmament of my inner self. oxygen fuels the bodily functions. the inner self juices life. disconnecting from the inner self is like a walking dead. i've been there. it's no fun.

have no fear. let the fears come up. bye bye.

be careful what i wish for. i might just get it. and, wo-oh. what's happening is i say to my inner self, i'm ready to let go of these old, old fear. and, in a steady stream, since a few days ago, the mind has been in this whack-a-mole mode. a fear pops up here. i catch it. turn attention to breath flow. a fear pops up there. i catch it. turn attention to breath flow. it's been just like that. only the speed of these popping-up fears has been accelerating. some times it feels like a thousand fear-moles are coming up with just a fraction of an instant between any two of them.

but, you know what? i'm strong enough to deal with this challenge. i really want to be free of the grip of fears. i have the conviction that they are coming up because i'm ready, willing and able to let them go. i don't know how much fears there are in the mental store. i'm just going to clean up shop however long it takes. hwubby says, just remember, god is with you, i love you, and you are great. yay.

okay, i see another one. go. go into the infinite space of the inner self. bye bye.

we just want to relax

there is a recurring experience in my meditations and it's in the body. the neck, shoulders and upper body would move, sway and twist. i would hear little crackles in the neck and upper back. i would let the rib cage expand and collapse in a long, slow pace, and i would relish in the sweet release in the outbreaths. often all this would be the bulk of what happen in meditations. nothing thunderous nor visionary.

today i sense a message from the inner self. there are body memory lodged deep in the neck and back muscles. keep offer them to the consciousness permeating the inner space. i ask, do i need to know what they are. inner self says, only if it helps you to let it go. then i recall a favorite swami of mine say about dealing with mental activity in meditation. 'it's like sitting by the river, watching the waters flowing by, and then you see stuff being carried along, things like rocks, broken branches, rotting leaves. do you really need to get into the water and dig into them? nope. just stay where you are, relax and let them go.'

that's it. the neck, shoulders and upper back are saying, we want to relax.

i am an inner space traveler

i look at meditation as space travel. i go to the inner space. there i experience this ethereal sweetness and lightness and brightness. restlessness and anguish cease. i see mental activity associated with worry, fear, anger come and go, like meteors passing through the outer cosmos. i am not them. i don't get caught up in them. not for long. not anymore. meditation helps me to shorten the lapses where i identify with them. as soon i catch myself going along with them i make a conscious inner effort to turn attention to the flow of the easy breath and i return to the deep inner space where my own inner self is, where pure and independent joy is, the cosmos of abundance consciousness.

meditating on mental activity is like distracted driving

what do i do when i see thoughts or mental activity appear in meditation? i don't drive, though i do have a driving license. it's sort of like keeping focus on steering the vehicle while being aware of things coming and going on both sides of the road. o, there's the store that i have a gift certificate. i wonder if the item i want to have is on sale now. hey, there's that new movie. i wonder if it's any good since this director's last work was crap. look, there's the dessert place that everybody's raving about. if i drive like this i am a hazard on the road. for me, it's similar in meditation. i see mental activity come. i see mental activity go. i don't look into the contents. no exceptions. i just gently bring attention to the sound and motion of the easy breath. do i lapse? you bet. so i return to it over and over and over. usually i see bright,velvety lights in the vast inner space. that's where i want to be in. it brings me so much peace, so much sweetness, so much lightness. as this habit of watching mental activity come and go it gets easier and easier to stay in the present in day-to-day living. i feel more relaxed about everything. the kick is, i can see more clearly what need to be seen than if i am in this worried, anxious, contracted mode. i do it not because some ancient book says it. i do it because it works.

i know this place. i've been there. sabbath

it's truly my great good fortune that my rabbi would open his house for sabbath service, not to mention torah studies. studying in the teacher's house is an ancient tradition in china. i love it.

on the threshold of entering sabbath rabbi lerner asks each of us, what do you want to let go as go you into sabbath? i say, i can't think of any for myself but i would like hwubby to let go of the suffering and pain as a result of having two teeth pulled unexpectedly.

a fun and thoughtful congregant says, i already let go of what i need to let go and my intention going into sabbath is to be the person that i am now, not the person i was in the past, not the person i wish to be in the future.

i say, rabbi, can i have an intention going into sabbath too? he says, yes. i say, may i always remember two things, remember god and remember my own death.

we have a ball with the service. as i sing at the top of my lungs all those wonderful and marvelous songs i am in awe of the spectacular sunset unfolding through the wall-to-wall window. god is not far away. god is so close. in fact when i look at the images of deep outer space from the hubbel telescope i say to myself, i know this place, i've been there. indeed. everyday when i close my eyes i go a little deeper and a little higher into the inner world, the mystical world, that has no outer edges and has infinite wonders and marvels.

anyhow, i must have been a hebrew, maybe even a cantor, dare i say, in some lifetime. my top fave tune is the finale that have the lyrics, all names, all names, all names are one. ushemo echad.

where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

sleeping in 2 days in a row.

the mind is in some sort of suspension, in the middle of nowhere. i know why. the mind needs to get out of some old wiring and some new mental circuitry has to be put in place.

my editor says, your mind doesn't work in a cause and effect way, and it has to for the book to work. these heavenly creatures, monkey, pig, phoenix can't just keep popping out of nowhere. and what is quan yin's plan for her? these creatures' appearances must have a purpose in terms of quan yin's plan for suk wah in the book.

as i watch thoughts and reactions out of hurt pride and the tendency to defend ready to pounce i realize the cumulative power of my practices are lifting me out of the old way. i don't think i could have taken  the metaphor my editor lay out if i were not in a relatively quiet space within.

it's from einstein, my editor says as she draws a dog with its nose up against a wall. she keeps adding lines above and below the wall and the dog turns out to be on a step along a flight of stairs. the dog is trying hard to move forward, but the only way forward is up. einstein says, you can't solve a problem on its level, you must go up.

aaah. the mind has to go up. into the quiet space of the inner self, the source of all creativity, where structure and spontaneity rise and merge.

no wonder i feel drawn to sit down to sing aum and hum. seriously i am already seeing sparks popping up here and there. tiny but sparks nonetheless.