day after yom kippur. pujari. teshuva.

fasted on yom kippur. all day service. got up next morning, sunday, at 3, meditated, chanted rudram, went to ashram to prep for pujari seva, chanted guru gita with sangham. then, ta-da, hwubby came with some family to see me wave the light in temple. such joy.

it's been kind of like this. longer and deeper meditation. loving rudram more and more everyday. stabilizing into a groove of rewrites on the novel. all while handling worldly affairs and in a state of happiness. just like my name. sukh. in sanskrit it means 'happy place.'

the other day someone sent feedback to hwubby, that something i said and did made her uncomfortable. i didn't feel offended at all. i didn't feel the need to defend. instead i had this surge of, for the lack of a better word, compassion. inwardly i sent blessings to this person. outwardly i discussed with hwubby what i ought to do. quickly i came to conclusion that i would, thru hwubby, let this person know how apologetic i am that i have done and said something that has upset her and that it has never been my intention to cause her any discomfort in any way.

the truth of the matter is, nothing anybody says or does can add or take away what i am. i am the wonderful, happy self that is fearless, resilient and ablaze.  that is the truth. that is the truth. that is the truth.

just as the scientists don't know what caused big bang, what created gravity and what makes the physical universe all still hanging together i will never know how exactly panchakarma works on a biochemical and physiological level. but it's all right. i feel such growing gratitude for being part of all this. i thank gravity for grounding me. i am so thankful for being led to vaidyagram where i can experience the benefits resulting from the deep meditation of rishis from five thousand years ago. if it were not for the trust in my guru i would never have landed in this place populated by brilliant and dedicated ayurveda doctors, therapists and staff. to me that is divine gravity working. i am drawn towards that which i long for. that which helps me move towards moksha, liberation.

i so enjoy waving the flame to the seat of the guru, to bade baba, to baba. i thank them for showing me my own flame and how to keep it burning high clean and pure. let's crack that coconut and keep grace flowing.

breakthrough. shubh mahasamadhi.

for several months clara, my spiritual study partner, and i really didn't quite see how we could fulfill the goal of memorizing breakthrough, a four page poem by the end of 2011. for a start, hwubby was hit by a taxi on 1/8/2011. i was zigzagging across the country for a bit. then something else in clara's professional life. then this. then that. if it was not one thing, it was another. i think we didn't have our weekly study session for a couple of months. in the months we could meet, we had to skip this week and that week. i have to confess it has occurred to me more than once that since all things inevitably end maybe this is one of those given we have had a good run of four years. that said i never give up. neither does clara. we seize whatever session we manage to make happen. we stick with our plan. and then there are some verses that the mind has a hard time to wrap around, like,

everything that happened
begot the self-denial
which led to the knowledge of the self.


all that said. and now, here we are. one week before the mahasamadhi shaktipat intensive in honor of our grand-guru's physical passing, we find ourselves in the last two lines of the poem.

then life knows what you are.
and you know what life is.


i say to clara, this is dessert.

in the last couple of days two lines in the previous verse keep rising in the mental horizon.

the most exquisite of all breakthroughs
is to pass beyond the death zone of your ignorance.


yes, indeed. all those thoughts that say to the effect of i can't finish this, there's no way i can't do it, i just don't see how this can turn out fine, are really death thoughts. they are ghosts cloaked in veil of separateness. so long as i am anchored in my own true nature and hold the understanding that the guru is none other than my innermost and highest self i can see life in completely different lights. really, life is that which gets me closer to god. and that is what sacrifice is all about. coming close to. to the degree that i am willing to come close to being my great self the wave of grace takes me across the seemingly uncrossable stormy sea of life.

never say never. shubh mahasamadhi.

never say never. especially in the ashram. hear me out. i walk into the kitchen ready to do some dishroom seva. who do i see? barbara. all decked out in her corporate 'uniform' baking away. happy contentment is all over her face. i say, hey, barbara, are you going to abicek? by the way, i love, love abicek. four thirty in the morning. in the temple. watching a galaxy of sari clad radiant yoginis orchestrating a ritual bath for the enlivened image of bade baba. in exquisite silence and stillness. we participants chant vedic hymns and then we eat special sweets and sacred water that blends coconut milk and rose water. all done before dawn breaks. all right, where am i? o yes, i want to find a ride. and i know barbara doesn't miss an abicek. she says, all right, i'll pick you up four twenty. i pause for a momen, don't know what to say. i really want to be in the ashram by four so i can get a nice seat up front. okay, i do understand that the grace of a saint is not diminished by one row or two. but i just like to sit a little closer to where the action is. i don't want to sound ungrateful and i hesitate to abuse barbara's kindness. so i swallow my unmet expectation and say, all right. then something overcomes me from within and i hear myself bursting out, sure, and who knows, you might be so inspired to come at three thirty. not missing a beat, barbara says, with all the courage of her conviction, NEVER. i say, well, well, well, never say never, you're in the ashram. really. grace works in creative, out-of-the-box ways.

that was a couple of weeks ago. last night, before going to bed, i had a hunch to check my emergency cell. that's right. i don't really pick up calls on an emergency cell. it's one of the many things hwubby has to put up with me. anyway, there's a new message from barbara. it goes like this. listen, suk wah, i am invited to dress bade baba, they have to dress me in sari, so i have to come to pick you up three thirty. i laugh in awe as i say, thank you, bade baba. i really believe it's my prayer answered. and the truth is that there's enough grace to go around answering evryone's prayers. we just have to have the clarity and courage to see them as smart and right on expressions of grace. seriously how else can you get a girl to get up at two forty five willingly with a smile. try this. you'll be all decked out in a glamorous sari, dripping with jewels, clothe bade baba in spectacular garments and garlands and fresh flowers.

shubh mahasamadhi.

full faith and surrender at all times

how important is it to stay in the present? can't say enough of it. can't remind myself enough of it. here's a fresh experience. i have been trying to reach a person regarding a specific thing in a specific place in india. somehow we have been playing phone tag and the clock is ticking. i can see a whisper of agitation hanging in the mental horizon. but it has also been pretty easy to turn attention to the steady and rhythmic movement of the breath and so it am back in the present. all right. meanwhile life goes on in all directions. in the  context of taking care of something that is unrelated to india a person is bringing some people to our house to meet us. at the arranged time i hear a knock on the door. upon opening it i see several people but one particular person seizes my attention. a tall, beautiful, young indian woman. how beautiful? she brings to mind the presence of a devi from the hindu pantheon. anyway my point is this. she turns out to be from that specific place in india. so there you have it. what's needed at all times is full faith and surrender to the present moment. otherwise i would miss out on what grace is revealing to me.

screwing up? not so.

right off the bat let me offer healing prayers for the person who was injured. having done that i can praise the awesomeness of the workings of grace. so there i am mixing up about the session time in apple store. somehow i am just filled with the 'conviction' that it is eleven. check ical? the thought never comes to me. forgetfulness, right? turns out my session is noon. the long and short of it is i get onto the homeward shuttle after the session. the driver starts talking about a shooting. it happened on the road where i usually go through to take the shuttle. now the middle section is all roped off. i have to go all the way around in order to get home. as i walk under the midday sun a bright sound comes up in me. eleven. i know exactly what it means. the next day i knock on the door of my neighbor, ms williams, who knows everything in the neighborhood. i ask her, well, of course i first ask her if anybody is hurt, and yes, someone is still in the hospital for that, and then, i ask her, when did it happen. need i repeat what she said? of course i do. eleven in the morning, she says. i would have left at eleven for a session scheduled at noon and i would have run right into the whole episode. how about a big round of applause for the incredible intelligence of my great self and how far i have come in terms of listening to the promptings of grace. really. i didn't screw up. i was following the voice of my great self. wow.

then i recall these words of my guru.
while grace is penetrating deeply
i say to myself
people say grace is a shelter
why, then, am i losing all i have?

screwing up? losing all i have? on the path to knowing the self, living in the self, everything is an opportunity to deepen and strength my connection to my own true nature.

a massive stroke of grace

a life without grace bears no fruit.
millions of lives can be lived.
but for what purpose 
if there's no breakthrough?
what a mindstopper. and these words of wisdom are hard to chew on. for several days i've been meditating on them. they are illumining certain old tendencies. how about this one? that gnawing, lingering unpleasant feeling goes like this. what am i doing this for? is this what my life's about? i recall so many times in my life when by all conventional measures i should be happy and proud of myself and feel abundant and great and blah blah blah. but deep down i know i am not experiencing any of that. i couldn't make sense of it. it drives me nuts. it was frightening to even entertain the possibility that whatever i can achieve and get outside of me is not going to answer my burning questions once and for all. it was beyond the mind to conceive that there's no one who can grant me lasting happiness. really, where would i be if it were not for a massive stroke of grace that breaks through the concrete cage of fear and anguish that i found myself locked in. hey, who cares if i had lived millions of lives adrift. i am back on course in this one and that's all that counts.

all that efforts do not go to waste

i never know when and how grace is gonna strike me. case in point. yesterday i watch the poem 'a thousand mirrors' coming out of me nice and smooth when all of a sudden it stops. the mind is a blank. the verse that i am on goes this way.

the guru's grace continued to strike
ultimately, the last mirror,
so dear to my heart,
the mirror that maintains the difference between the individual soul and the supreme soul,
was about to be destroyed.

the flow of words comes to a sudden halt after 'my heart.' then it's like a river flow, being blocked by boulders, turn into frantic swirls that go round and round. after struggling for a while, i take a deep breath and move on to the next verse. i know i have not forgotten the line.

sure enough, this morning, the smooth flow of sound resumes as if nothing happened. i realize the conviction built up through months and months of daily recitation pull me through this one. in the moment when i cannot find the line 'the mirror that maintains the difference...' i do not lose faith. my faith is not blind. it is based on knowing what i have in my own true nature, knowing that all that efforts do not go to waste, recognizing that all that seemingly separate my own self from the guru's self are nothing but grace.

mistake now. boon later.

i thought i made a total screw up and ended up with this pot of spice water. turns out it's a huge blessing. it's been the foundation of my lunch since. it's forgiving. it's versatile. i throw in whatever veggies there are in the fridge, and i mean whatever. for instance, the stalks leftover from steaming chard leaves, leftover fresh garbanzo beans from yet another meal, even leftover noodle. best yet, leftover chicken stock, courtesy from lois after she whipped up risotto. since this is high altitude, soup is actually very good for hydrating. in the meantime i can devote more time to working on the book while making a nice lunch effortlessly. who knew something that looks so wrong one day becomes something so right a day later.

and so it is on the spiritual path. that which look terrible by all accounts at the time reveal to be boons and blessings down the line. just stay with it, stay open and stay in the present. all this is grace. all this is grace. all this is grace.

chinese bone expert in backyard

hwubby is returning to seattle. not for work. to receive chinese treatments. what's that all about? we are so grateful to all the western medical care that he has been receiving. having said that here's what chinese believe. with severe injuries in the likes of broken bones and fractures there are bruises lodged deep within muscles, ligaments and tissues. they block circulation, blood and chi. down the line these blockages are what cause arthritis and other health problems. imagine plumbings. for instance, hwubby's left pinkie. the taxi hit his right side. he was thrown in the air, fell, dented the hood, cracked windshield, tossed into the icy night air again before falling on the freezing street on his left. his left pinkie is visibly swollen and twisted. yet the orthopedists say, the bones are not broken, this is the way it is, it just takes a long time for the swelling to go down. of course we trust the doctor. but meanwhile hwubby has been experiencing tremendous discomforts in the pinkie. it has become sort of a weather alert. the pain and swelling intensify sharply at the onset of temperature shifts. if it rains it's a double whammy. what does the orthopedist say? take painkillers if it's too much pain. really, with due respect, i feel deep within that painkillers are only dealing with the symptoms, not the root cause. the chinewse way to treat this is to draw out the bruises, break them down so they can be merged into circulation. kind of like kidney stones.

so i have been doing the only thing i know how to do in such a situation where the externals are saying this is the only reality. how do you find such a person in america? i pray. i pray again and again. i hold firm the intention that i would find the right chinese who knows how to take care of this. i look around in chinatown. i see one chinese doc sign after another. not one resonates with me.

then i need help myself. the pains in my shoulders spike. i pick up my bottle of chinese medical oil for alleviating muscle pains and all kinds of pains. indeed, one chinese oil works for all pains. i'm not kidding. ai-ya. it's almost empty. it so happens that my cousins, tommy and daisy, are coming to take us to dinner that evening. i place an emergency call to daisy. i say, daisy, daisy, help, i'm running out of woodlock oil. when they arrive our house, daisy rolls up her sleeves, places me sitting backward in a chair, rubs a couple of oil drops between her palms, and start working on my shoulders. miracle. i can feel the difference after the treatment. all right, why am i talking about me? o, yes, right, because it turns out daisy's older brother is the expert that i have been praying for. his father sent him to school to learn this ancient knowledge when he was little. he loves it. it's his passion but he doesn't want to make money with it. he only does it for family and friends. he makes his living as a construction worker. his colleagues are truly fortunate to have him.

anyway brother pang lives in seattle. so last month while hwubby was in seattle doing some work in seattle he went to brother pang. brother pang doesn't speak english. and he doesn't small talk. very simple and direct. he comes through the door, sees hwubby sitting on the couch, motions him to stand up, places him sitting backward in a hard chair, and starts working on hwubby. he prepares his own medical oils. takes a year to brew it properly. hwubby says, he would touch a certain part, rub oil on the skin, and in a few manuvers dark rainbow colors appear. i say, painful? hwubby says, o yes, o very, but i definitely feel the difference. aaah. beneficial pain.

brother pang works on hwuby's left pinkie. it takes a couple of treatments. hwubby says, it feels better. it looks less swollen and not as twisted as well.

brother pang says hwubby needs more treatments. that's why hwubby is going back. who knew. the right person is in my own backyard. we have so much wonders and marvels within us. and without. we just have to pay attention and be grateful. so much grace.

gratitude draws grace

this is the first week that doctors allow hwubby to start doing physical exercise unsupervised. a dear, dear friend gifts us a week at a chic chic health club. so there i am finding my way around this fancy schmancy place. who knew i would end up talking more than exercising. really. just in the locker room, and wearing nothing but a towel throwing over my shoulder, three women, in rather rapid succession, look at me and say, suk wah. all are people i haven't seen a long while. so of course they naturally ask, how's ben? now, check this out. they all have the same reaction when i say, he was hit by a taxi in new york city, sustained multiple fractures. first their eyes pop out right at me, jaws drop to the floor, and say, in different wordings, in total sincerity,  i'm so sorry, what a horrible tragedy. what is my reaction to their reaction? i find myself unable to bring myself to go along and say, yeah, what a horrible tragedy.

of course i don't wish it on anybody. it's not a painless trip. i'm not saying i am at a place where i can say, tragedy, what tragedy, no tragedy. hwubby is not saying, like lance armstrong does, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. but, as he says to them, i feel so very fortunate, fortunate to be alive, fortunate i don't have brain damage, spinal injury, fortunate i don't need surgery.

his ayurvedic doctor says, upon taking the first glance at him since the taxi hit, there's so much life in your eyes. hwubby says, gratitude, i have so much gratitude. indeed, living in gratitude draws grace like iron dust to magnet.

the fear of losing myself gone

in 2010 i memorized one of my guru's poems, 'a thousand mirrors.' i love it so much that this year i'm doing another one, 'breakthrough.' here's how much i love it. every morning, i enter my meditation closet, sit down on my meditation mat, arrange the body into an upright, supported and comfortable posture, close my eyes, start gathering attention to the sound and flow of the easy breath. and then i recite 'a thousand mirrors' and 'breakthrough,' up to the verse that i'm currently memorizing.

this morning, something strange and spectacular happens. a few verses into 'a thousand mirrors' i watch the flow of words from my vocal cord disappear. just like that i am in a space and state that is beyond the linear passage of time, beyond words, beyond action. it is within my awareness and it is holding all that were, all that are and all that will be. the closest approximation that comes to me, as i type this, is deep outer space and beyond where the births and deaths of planets, stars and galaxies happen. billions upon billions of them. after i don't know how long in terms of seconds and minutes the flow of words resume in a natural manner. after another few verses again the word flow gently comes to a pause and i find myself in that realm of beautiful quiet and sweet stillness. by the time i stand up from the mat two hours have gone by.

now here's another fantastic thing. i don't feel fear. the fear of losing myself. not a trace. really, if that is where i'll dwell and how i'll live what's to be afraid of.

another thing i notice is this. the poem flows out of me effortlessly. i have no doubt i own it. that which my guru transmits to me through the river of words belongs to me. the truth of the matter is i have it all along. she is showing me what i already am. such is the power of grace.

scoop golden nectar out of compost bin

i have come to know that i can't control how grace manifests. i just have to keep an open mind and let go of expectation. case in point.  i've bee wondering where am i going to take the next shower since it will be at least another few days before there will be hot water. i know, yogis are supposed to take cold shower but that's another contemplation and whole bunch of spiritual work. suffice to say i'm not there yet. anyway i've even started sponging because hwubby is not too comfortable about me knocking on neighbors' doors and says, knock, knock, can i come take a shower? so i have completely let go of having a shower for a few days and prepared the mind for it. it's not that hard to adjust actually since i was raised where i bathed off a bucket squatting over a rough concrete floor. so there i am, my mind all set for this when hwubby bursts through my room and says, pack up, we are going to take a shower in shambhavi's place. to cut a long story short. shambhavi is this sunshine of yogini. she's a meditating butterfly. she was the stage manager of hwubby's opera production in seattle as well as a major fundraising event in san francisco. she's that kind of dream person that simply steps up to take care of what's necessary with a warm and bright smile. when the going was tough during the fundraiser event she turns to hwubby says cheerfully, i'm just into selfless service. with that the atmosphere transforms. anyway i come out of her shower, feeling clean and bright, and hearing her saying something about throwing away a mango. i say, why do you throw it away? she says, so and so says when the mango has brown spots you should throw it away. i say, where's the mango? she says, in the compost. our eyes turn in the direction of the compost bin. that fearless shambhavi, so very in the present, digs her hand deep into the bin, scoops out the mango, gives it a good rinse under the faucet, and, voila, a golden kidney-shaped nectarean fruit emerges. i begin to salivate. we get so excited. shambhavi rushes upstairs and pulls out another one which is about to go into compost. and i get to take both of them home. they are fragrant, nectarean. true, they might be a teenie bit over ripe but, hey, i am just picking bones from eggs. i have to be honest. they are, without a doubt, the best and greatest mangoes i have had in a long time. sublimely succulent. heavenly. really, i never know how grace manifests where.

accounts receivable. food made with love

hwubby says, grace has invited us to her house for dinner. i say, o yeah i remember her coconut rice, so fragrant. hwubby says, yeah, that's all you remember, food. i say, that's not true, i remember grace is a great person, she has a good and kind heart. hwubby says, wait till you know what's her job at the dental school. i say, what does she do? hwubby says, she's in accounts receivable for twenty-five years. now that really grabs my attention. i have experience in customer service in a newspaper agency, meaning i have to deal with, shall i say, difficult, instead of, irate, customers. and that was when i wasn't so connected with my own true nature. i took it personally. i judged and criticized those people who i thought gave me a hard time for what i thought petty things like, how come my papers are not on my front porch, my coffee is getting cold and i'm not getting my sunday papers and you made mistakes in the bill. now i can see that such situations are opportunities to practice seeing divinity in myself and the other while sorting out the tangle of mundane details.

back to the present. back to grace. so as i am sipping a juice of guava and pineapple and working through chicken, salmon, mushroom sauce over rice - a spread of food that are made with love - i ask grace, your job is kind of like what the president's, if it's not difficult it won't go to your desk, you are the last person on the line, so how do you approach it? in her calm voice and even tone grace says, with a sweet smile, listen, let them talk, and then i pick out pieces, i don't forget the goal is to collect but i want them to pay willingly. she goes on to tell me a case. to cut a long story short, she tries all that she can to move the bill dispute forward, she shows this customer what she has done and what she is going to do in a methodical and thorough manner. and then she says, this bill has been around for a very long time, it may go into third party - meaning collections - and it will damage your credit, why don't you pay it while we work with you to get to the bottom of it. surprise. the customer says yes and hands her his credit card. hwubby says, you let go of any expectation and only focus on helping him. i say, and not letting her eye off the ball as well. and that is the state of equanimity in action.

i slowly chew on the layers of wisdom and pour some more of those fantastic raspberry sauce over a nice and big bowl of ice cream and fruit salad. hunger in the body and soul are satisfied all at once. really you never know when you come in the presence of a great being who live the highest teachings.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

not getting caught up in the finite

today's meditation is one of those when there's nothing to do but to take refuge again and again and again in the breath flow. towering thought waves suck attention under their massive momentum. they sweep awareness brutally along. i am literally under water at the wild mercy of mental activity. at the times when i catch myself reacting to the thoughts with more thoughts i manage to tenuously cling to a thread of breath. from the horizon of this vast turmoil i hear a faint recurring echo. it will go away. i will sit through this. and so i do. while it is a struggle i emerge from meditation with a renewed sense of watchfulness. i realize what would happen if i don't strive to stay close to the breath as much as i can. i would block grace and be unable to see what i ought to see. whatever the contents of the mental activity and even though they feel so real and do contain some grains of truth, like rare grains of gold in a huge mound of sand, they distract me from being connected to my own true nature, from taking what are reflections in the mirror of consciousness to be consciousness itself, from getting caught up in the finite waves in the infinite ocean of consciousness.

make space for grace. let go.

a friend just finds out hwubby's pedestrian knockdown episode. she says, that's awful, i'm sorry you had to go through such horror. not missing a beat hwubby says kindly and sincerely, no, i don't think of it this way, not anymore, i really look at it as a growing experience that is still unfolding. our friend says, how so? hwubby says, in the moment when i realize the taxi is coming right at me at, i'd say, thirty-five miles at least, the first thought i have is, why is he doing this, and then the next thought is, what's going to happen, and all this happen in like a nano of a millisecond, and then i am just filled with this clear certainty, don't resist, let go, and i do, and the doctors say that's probably why i have sustained less injuries than it would have been, i have no head injuries, spinal injuries, no surgery needed in the multiple-fractured pelvis, and now as i am dealing with picking up the pieces in work and in life i have to keep reminding myself, let go, let go, and i can see how it is all making space for what's supposed to happen to happen. our friend listens intently with wide open eyes. indeed. hwubby is right. knock out the old stuff. make space for grace.

river of grace from the nose

nosie is running like a river. it almost drips into the pot of ginger water. i have not had something like this in a long, long while. on one hand i know everything is just a temporary manifestation of pure consciousness. on another hand it's no fun to have to sleep sitting up and the sinus sore and achy. o dear. now it is almost dripping right over the keyboard. what a river of grace.

possibilities are like sparks within lapis lazuli

this morning's meditation is magnificent. i go deeper and higher than i recall i ever have. the inner being is so vast, so pristine, so strongly quiet, so clear and light. it is not sheltered by the body. on the contrary, the body is within this subtle yet tangible conscious realm. as awareness rests and roams in this i realize i am having an experience of what 'being refreshed' means. there's a sense of opening everywhere in the entire being. from this place i look at how i was shocked into panic by an unexpected development. now i can see its root cause is a deeply-rooted conditioning, that the reality that i find myself in is the only reality. this illusion is a killer. it blocks grace. it blinds out peripheral vision. it renders me incapable to see possibilities and openings sparkling the way delicate golden sparks are embedded within lapis lazuli.
the moment i recognize this i lift my awareness out of that lower vantage point. my inner vision opens up. i am once again in the clear sky of pure consciousness. hey, this twist actually points the way to do something that previously i thought i couldn't pursue. the limitation is dissolved.

happy anniversary, hwubby and suk wah.

this body is a temporary garment

hwubby and i take a walk basking in the afternoon sun. it's so nice holding hands and feeling the warmth of each other. one warmth. it's been such a long time since we've been able to do that. i remember something my teacher say when she was a teenager. as an indian and knowing little english, she was given the task to translate her teacher's teaching talks in front of large audiences of foreigners. she asks her beloved teacher, why do you give me so little time to prepare? he says, to the effect, then you can truly appreciate the power of grace. as the question and answer appear on the screen of the bright and quiet mind i realize i am having just that, an experience of the power of grace. there are so many challenges and uncertainties in our lives. yet my inner space is sweet, warm, pristine and permeating the fragrance of freedom. from this vantage point it is clear, without a doubt, that everything in the physical universe, circumstances, situations, are simply reflections in the mirror of my pure consciousness. this body is a temporary garment sheltering the ever-great, ever-full, ever-fresh inner self.

be strong. be strong. be strengthened.

hwubby says, how are you doing? i say, one breath at a time, one step at a time. at the conclusion of every book in the five book of moses we sing this: be strong. be strong. be strengthened. this is my mantra of the moment. it's not that the inner self needs any strengthening or the reminder. it's the connection to the inner self that has to be vigilantly and constantly cultivated. it's the awareness, that has been so habituated to be populated with 'weedy' thoughts, has to be reminded over and over. now i am experiencing what mahatma ghandi was talking about: this is the war that i must engage in. and victory is guaranteed as long as i stand on the side of divine grace and keep putting in my effort. hwubby says, yeah, and i thought i could do it once and it would be done.