the fear of losing myself gone

in 2010 i memorized one of my guru's poems, 'a thousand mirrors.' i love it so much that this year i'm doing another one, 'breakthrough.' here's how much i love it. every morning, i enter my meditation closet, sit down on my meditation mat, arrange the body into an upright, supported and comfortable posture, close my eyes, start gathering attention to the sound and flow of the easy breath. and then i recite 'a thousand mirrors' and 'breakthrough,' up to the verse that i'm currently memorizing.

this morning, something strange and spectacular happens. a few verses into 'a thousand mirrors' i watch the flow of words from my vocal cord disappear. just like that i am in a space and state that is beyond the linear passage of time, beyond words, beyond action. it is within my awareness and it is holding all that were, all that are and all that will be. the closest approximation that comes to me, as i type this, is deep outer space and beyond where the births and deaths of planets, stars and galaxies happen. billions upon billions of them. after i don't know how long in terms of seconds and minutes the flow of words resume in a natural manner. after another few verses again the word flow gently comes to a pause and i find myself in that realm of beautiful quiet and sweet stillness. by the time i stand up from the mat two hours have gone by.

now here's another fantastic thing. i don't feel fear. the fear of losing myself. not a trace. really, if that is where i'll dwell and how i'll live what's to be afraid of.

another thing i notice is this. the poem flows out of me effortlessly. i have no doubt i own it. that which my guru transmits to me through the river of words belongs to me. the truth of the matter is i have it all along. she is showing me what i already am. such is the power of grace.

hanging in there

my teacher says, you are equal to the challenge in front of you, no bigger, no smaller. i keep telling myself, okay, suk wah, fake it till you make it. and so i keep going. what is real? what is unreal? i don't know anymore. all i can do is to hang on to the present moment with my dear life.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

where do all those lights in the dream come from?

sleeping 7000ft above sea. bright and vibrant dream. lots of laughter, back and forth and activity with my meditation teacher. at several points i am working with a bunch of yogis to mash lots of ripe bananas and mangoes because the teacher says to me with a bright and kind smile, we have to feed a lot of people. so much fun.

i wake up with this question. where do all those lights in the dream come from? my eyes are closed. the room is dark. the lights have to come from within me. i am sleeping but someone is watching and understanding all that unfolding dream drama. who's that? then it occurs to me this is the same one who watches that suk wah being pulled here and there by thoughts and feelings. this is someone who sees and gets it. indeed. i can safely say all that in the external world are some form of dreams. i have so much lights within. beautiful lights. pure lights. happy lights. lights of courage. lights of strength. lights of kindness. lights of generosity. so on and so on. no end to the abundance within.

let the fears go. go. go.

another teacher dream. teaching dream.

i am assigned a position to directly serve the teacher's mission. day after day i set out on time. yet i have great difficulty just to get there.

at one point i see my teacher passing by while i am doing some preparation. i say, good morning. she says back, good morning. she's wearing a red tailored jacket and black legging and high heels. very clean and chic.

at another point i find myself underneath her chair. i can hear her voice but i can't find my way out from under the chair. actually it is kind of nice under there. i look into the bottom of the chair. it's like looking through the bedcover when i am totally under it. lights are filtering through the yellow parts of the fabric. the other parts are red.

hwubby says, you are working through another phase in your book, you say you are working towards the book you want to write, so it sounds like the dream has to do with the fears coming up in this process.

this morning's meditation has a lot to do with sensing pockets of wordless, irrational fears looming in and coming up. what are they about? fear of getting lost. fear of not up to it. but they are not gripping, nor paralyzing. i just have to keep letting them go and be gentle with myself at the same time.

my inner self is like a crystal vase

my teacher says something to this effect, no matter how much one describes love, one can't fully convey the experience of love. this is how i feel about describing my meditation experience. for a start i can't even say by what means i arrive at this exquisitely quiet place. is it diving? plunging? rising? gliding? how do i explain a place that is dark and bright all at once? on one hand i am aware of the body with all its contours and limits. on another hand i am definitely in a place that has no horizons as far as i can see. the place is wide open. yet it feels full as well as spacious. the silence is sublime. a steady throb subtly reverberates. it's the vibration of strength, the resonance of courage, the wavelength of pure joy, the frequency of supreme fulfillment. and then they blend into a harmonic sound of gratitude. yes. i come out of formal sitting meditation and this thankfulness keeps on bubbling within. how fortunate i am to be able to be with this treasure within. i walk into the kitchen and a surprise wonder. morning lights are choreographing a magnificent dance off the grand crystal vase on the table by the window. my inner self is sort of like a super grand crystal vase emanating these beautiful lights that shine through me.

feelings of unworthiness are expressions of yearning

i have a teacher dream, a teaching dream. it digs out entrenched tendrils of unworthiness.

here's what i remember so far. i'm walking with a few classmates from secondary school, laughing, carefree when i see my meditation teacher coming out of somewhere picking people to study with her. i watch other people being chosen, feel some envy, inadequacy, and then i'm being picked as well. but, instead of being grateful i focus on trying to get a seat at the table as close to the teacher as possible. then i go away, do something, and proceed to return. i find myself being delayed by unseen forces. upon return the study has already begun. the whole table is full except a spot at the end. the teacher turns to me, beams and says something. i can't recall what she says. in the dream i am all worked up about having to sit at the far end of the table. as a matter of fact, the table is not that big, just regular size. i'm not paying attention to the study at all. then comes a pause. a big scene in an ornate bathroom with heavy, carved wooden doors. then i'm walking back. the teacher comes out from around a corner. what unfolds then is a scene where she, i and a couple of girls sitting in a cozy gazebo, hanging out. she leans back, puts her feet up. and mostly, what i am thinking in the dream is, why am i not sitting next to her? after a while, someone passing by notices the teacher, starts talking to her. she gets up in mid-sentence. i wake up.

this morning's meditation i see these long forgotten unworthy feelings in the tween years, teen years, young adult years. i had no name for it back then. i couldn't see it for what it is. i thought it was because i was not enough, not good enough, did not have enough. though now i understand that such feelings are really expressions of my yearning to connect with inner self which is worthiness itself. instead i tried to find something, someone to make me feel worthy. over and over and over.

i am once again reminded that those impressions are not totally wiped out from my consciousness. not yet. so i have to be gentle with myself when they come up. don't beat myself up. don't even ask why. just be aware of it and determinedly direct attention back to the breath. hwubby says, yeah, that's turning away from darkness, towards light.

deadliest residual habitual tendency

a dream. i'm walking by the back door of a hall where my meditation teacher had just given a public program. two of my classmates from secondary school in hong kong are with me. my mind is open, quiet. the door opens wide and my teacher walks out. pure lights stream out from her. sweet, gentle lights. warm, bright lights. sublime lights holding hints of all hues in the rainbow. i pause in my track. in the dream i have no expectation other than enjoying her presence the way it is. out of the blue she turns in my direction, walks a few steps forward, and with a beaming smile asks me directly, is there a bus? i take it seriously and say, yes, it is at...she cuts me off with a delightful chuckle. i realize she is joking around, loosening me up. then she hopskotches away, singsongs, i have two hatha yoga teachers.

i tell hwubby all about it. he says, it sounds like a happy dream. i say, yes. no sooner than i said it i felt a whisper in the far horizons of awareness. no, you can't be that happy.

right away i see it for what it is. the deadliest of all residual habitual tendency. unworthiness with its extended family like inadequacy, not-enough, not good enough, not have enough, etc, etc, etc. i just watch it while holding my attention tight as i can on the flow of the breath. i'm determined not to feed it with any other thought. period.

i want to be a leak proof vessel

i'm determined to be a leak proof vessel. what do i mean by that? well, i work hard to build up a wealth of meditation energy. just as a miser holds on to every penny, and hwubby says, you sure qualify as one, i must watch out for mindlessly spilling out the hard earned treasure. how do i do that? i need look no further than how, when and what i speak. is it true? is it kind? is it necessary? is it the right time?

as i contemplate a montage shows up on my mental screen. a collection of exchanges my meditation teacher with people over the years. in all instances, either she was speaking to me or i observed her interacting with someone. but in all situations her words are uplifting and appropriate. being uplifting is not pollyanna, really. and saying we all have to die anyway is inappropriate to someone who just lost a parent, spouse, child, a dear friend.

and when to zip up my lips. that's huge. mr. ken feinberg handled financial compensation for 9/11 families. charlie rose asks him, what lessons have you learned? mr feinberg says, never underestimate the power of listening.

for me, cultivating the skill and capability of listening to the voice of my inner self is of paramount importance. i sure have my work cut out for me. on this one i have a phenomenal role model in hwubby. he listens in a way that is on par with my meditation teacher. from his heart.

gatekeeping what comes out of my mouth goes a long way to becoming a leak proof vessel.