it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

nothing, nobody adds to or diminish the inner self.

i realize something as i wrap up another two hours of being with my priceless inner self through meditation. i listen better as a result of making efforts to stay with the humming sound in the breath. by the way it's not that the inner self goes away when i am not in formal sitting meditation. it's the mind getting caught up in thoughts, feelings and the body in actions that i forget that the self is always with me.

for a long, long time i was filled with anguish about this. where is god? by and large, the anguish is gone because i know from my own experience that god is in my breath.  nobody, nothing can take it away from me. not know how.

and so i hang on to this understanding with my dear life as i look at the retirement account statements that are showing losses. in the end they are situations to take care of. they don't add to nor diminish the inner self. and only when i am firmly footed in the open quiet and clarity of the inner self can i take care of them properly.