spiritual experience through a beautiful bargain

i go to nordstrom rack for rain boots and i get a super-duper bargain thrill. here's how it goes down. i try this and that. i can't decide whether size seven is right or size eight is the right one, given the difference between thick socks and thicker socks and thin socks. oy. so i get both. i walk around in the hotel room with my socks and/or hwubby's socks. in the end i discover i don't quite the color so much. with hwubby's encouragement i decide to return them both. i brave myself through the unseasonable snow, walk through the door, go up to the customer service counter, only to realize i don't have the receipt. the guy is so nice. he takes a glance at my wallet and says, did you use this credit card? well, i only have one credit card. so he takes care of it. i'm already a happy person when he points to my guru's picture in the wallet, is this you? i almost say, i wish, before i chuckle and say, it's my meditation teacher. now i feel i want to take a look around. i immediately get the message. clearance. so i take a bee line, head straight to the clearance racks. guess what i find? eileen fisher slacks at seventy-five percent off the last marked price. i like their things. they have nice cuts and fabrics but they are so expensive. initially i think this is not going to work because it is extra small. i try it anyway. hey. it works beautifully. i walk out of the store, filled with this triumphant feeling that i get this great thing at less than one tenth of the marked price. in yoga terms i would say this. a desire is satisfied. the mind goes quiet. in the brief while before the next desire or mental ripple arises, the light of the innermost self shines forth. the sublime feeling i experience is not because of the pants though it is beautiful and beautifully priced. i feel this sublime contentment because this is my own true nature, unobstructed by mental chatter.

facing whatever it is as it is

often, over the  years, i wonder, what's the meaning of acceptance? now i am granted experiences of it. acceptance turns out to be nothing but facing whatever it is as it is, not as what i would like it to be. real and true acceptance involves enthusiasm. there's no place for resentment and half-hearted efforts. okay, so this is what it is? sure, i'll take it and run with it, dive into it, plunge into it, and see what happens.

refreshing and reaffirming conviction

i say to myself, there was a relatively peaceful period yesterday that lasted into the evening but that was then, now is now, do not compare, stick with what is. indeed what's been unfolding in the last five weeks or so is an intense experience of practicing staying anchored in my own great self. there i see steady strength, detachment from expectation of outcome, and aloft in deep tranquility, cool and calm. this morning's meditation is refreshing and reaffirming my conviction in this experience.

possibilities are like sparks within lapis lazuli

this morning's meditation is magnificent. i go deeper and higher than i recall i ever have. the inner being is so vast, so pristine, so strongly quiet, so clear and light. it is not sheltered by the body. on the contrary, the body is within this subtle yet tangible conscious realm. as awareness rests and roams in this i realize i am having an experience of what 'being refreshed' means. there's a sense of opening everywhere in the entire being. from this place i look at how i was shocked into panic by an unexpected development. now i can see its root cause is a deeply-rooted conditioning, that the reality that i find myself in is the only reality. this illusion is a killer. it blocks grace. it blinds out peripheral vision. it renders me incapable to see possibilities and openings sparkling the way delicate golden sparks are embedded within lapis lazuli.
the moment i recognize this i lift my awareness out of that lower vantage point. my inner vision opens up. i am once again in the clear sky of pure consciousness. hey, this twist actually points the way to do something that previously i thought i couldn't pursue. the limitation is dissolved.

happy anniversary, hwubby and suk wah.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

i am unconventional. period.

basking in the early afternoon sunshine under the clear sky in the lovely hotel courtyard i am so proud of myself and settled in the shade of the inner sky. i have reconstructed the lost recordings. along the way i pick up a few fresh sparks that, in my editor's words, are out-of-the-box, unconventional and beautiful in the way only i can make it work. in fact, on more than one occasions as we go through the pages, she says, i never thought this could work but it works. one time she points to a specific thing and says, i love this, is this a chinese literature thing? or your thing? not missing a beat i say, it's my thing.

i am unconventional. period. hwubby, one of a kind, that's for sure. now that i know it i have to write it and live it.

this morning's meditation is a simple and clear experience of inner quiet and clarity. that's who i am. that's my inner self. that's the source of all fresh things. writer's block? what's that?

being with inner self is letting go of fear of unknown

the mind comes awake in a snap but the body is lying totally still. for a while in the night my entire existence is being aware of the deep and long breathing roaming the vast inner world that has no ends and edges. the experience is exquisite. the silence is throbbing with a sense of full and rich being. there's no place outside i'd rather be.

after a while i hear with the inner ear this message. staying in the present is how you plan the future. this is the answer to the tendency to worry. i am facing a whole host of issues that i can't see how they might turn out. meanwhile unexpected twists and turns are showing up left and right. i can see the tendency to know what is going to happen lurking. but really the best way to take care of them is to keep myself firmly anchored in the inner self. only then can i see with a clear sky mind what might be an entryway that eventually leads to an outcome that i am not even aware of its existence right now. it's only through moment-by-moment presence that i can be with the play of consciousness, that i am not shutting out the possibility of possibilities. 

ultimately, it's all about letting go of the fear of the unknown. and the only way i know how to do that is to strengthen and deepen my connection with the inner self through meditation.

i can plan ahead better when i am in the present

there i am meditating in the sweet vibration of the vedic hymn, aloft in the quiet ocean deep of the breath and i see clearly an insight illuminating on something i'm working on in the novel. i write down the key words and return my awareness to the breath.

a little while later i begin chanting a sanskrit sacred text of 182 verses with my bright and marvelous yogic community. on one hand i am into it with all my body, all my mind, and all my might. one another hand one bright and clear insight comes after another. they are all instructions or questions that guide me to properly take care of certain life situations, some of which have long term implications . in fact i can see subtle things beneath the surface of circumstantial twists that i didn't see before. i am able to connect dots in a surprising way. you bet i write all of them down. i have to apply all of my will not to keep going with them but return again and again to the chant.

as i am meditating after the chant, soaking in the waves of subtle reverberations, a realization comes up. i can plan ahead better when i am in the present. to be in the present is no different from being connected to my inner self. the implication is huge. now it makes sense to let go of worry. worry takes me out of the present, disconnecting from the inner self. and i would end up doing dumb things, being foolish.