qualities of my own true nature

subtle breakthrough. about half a day into the meditation retreat i notice something. i don't think i would have if the mind is not so quiet and the body so relaxed. and it's actually the absence of a dug-in tendency. the melancholy that the retreat will come to an end. i am amazed beyond word and measure as i watch how the body is calm and poised. throughout the two days i notice the restlessness and soreness that usually start gnawing at the joints and legs after a few meditation sessions are simply not there. the inner sky is by and large clear and sunny. every now and then i notice thoughts and emotions that are like cotton-candy clouds. as i type this i don't even recall what they are about. doesn't matter. i just return attention to the nice and natural flow of the breath and the divine song within it. before i know it i am not even aware of those mental clouds.

where am i? yes, the breakthrough. i realize i am more anchored in the understanding that this quiet mind and relaxed body are the qualities of my own true nature. all that i revel so much in the retreat are to guide me to connect deeper with what i already have, to cultivate the awareness that i am not this thought, not that memory. my happiness only depends on how connected i am to my great self. here's the kick. when i am consciously connected to my great self i can see how much joy there is in my life. what about this one? hwubby. last night he walks through the door in his bike helmet and waves of bliss overcome me. he really brings yummy joy to my heart. and if i am all caught up in anxiety and anguish that there's no retreat the next day i wouldn't be able to taste it so good.

foreground to the inner sky

what has pulled me through this week what with these morning challenges and dark memories? something truly marvelous and wondrous is coming sat and sun. for two days i'll be immersed in meditation and chanting and the rest of it. to be more accurate i'll be hanging out with my own true nature. i am so excited that friday night i am sleepless and wide awake. such is the power of the pull from the great light within. and so, once again, i recognize that all this thoughts, feelings and emotions are really foreground to the immense inner sky of my great self. hwubby says, you are doing so great, you are not swept away like you used to. true. unless i hang on to it all that mental cloud shall pass. if i really want to attach, i'd better attach to the light of my own self.

and how fortunate i am that i have a hwubby who would crawl out of bed 4 am to help me get out of the house with all i need for a whole day.

ear of my heart

meditation is such a mystical process. how do i explain on the days when nothing much happens if i do not embrace this enveloping stillness that throb soundlessly. it is not a dead quiet. it is so alive. indeed it is this that i am irresistibly drawn to meditating day after day. it is this state that i strive to return to as i go about the worldly activity. and this is on days when nothing happens. what about today? wow. soon after i find myself immersed in the rich and full pulsation that ripple through my entire awareness i see these dancing lights. right away i relate to them. they remind me of the northern lights going wild over the pitch black sky above the swathe of penguins which are huddling together tightly. i watch molten streams of emeralds and jades shifting through patterns and formations in my own inner sky. after a while i hear this from the ear of my heart. take your time to come out. with that i embark on the journey of emerging from the depths of the field of my own true nature. it is kind of like coming up from the ocean deep. all in all i meditate one and a half hour today according to the clock and it doesn't feel long at all. i could have easily roamed some more in the pulsation of the moving breath if i were not also aware of the tasks ahead.

worry is toxic. inner sky is ever bright.

so-and-so says, please call this person, she is worried. honestly i have no problem calling anybody. but the energy of 'worry' is dark and toxic. it is fear-based. not only that it doesn't help anything and goes nowhere it actually pulls you down, drains you and veils your vision so you don't see what you ought to see. it really makes things worse. hwubby is on a long road to recovery. my back is hurting. i have to conserve and protect whatever energy i have to make sure he is on an irreversible path to full recovery and i am taking as much care as i can of myself. truly, the only unfailing source of comfort comes from meditation. there is this wave upon wave of comfort gently arising from deep within permeating everywhere, washing over the exhausted body, going right into the bones and beyond. i eat it everyday. never tire of it. this is what truly nourishes me. this is what keeps me going. this is what holds me in proper perspective of things. nothing diminishes or adds to my inner self. clouds of worry may bring about a downcast. but it's an illusion. my inner sky is ever bright.

have i mentioned worry blocks grace? if i have, this is to remind myself that it does. big time.

i am unconventional. period.

basking in the early afternoon sunshine under the clear sky in the lovely hotel courtyard i am so proud of myself and settled in the shade of the inner sky. i have reconstructed the lost recordings. along the way i pick up a few fresh sparks that, in my editor's words, are out-of-the-box, unconventional and beautiful in the way only i can make it work. in fact, on more than one occasions as we go through the pages, she says, i never thought this could work but it works. one time she points to a specific thing and says, i love this, is this a chinese literature thing? or your thing? not missing a beat i say, it's my thing.

i am unconventional. period. hwubby, one of a kind, that's for sure. now that i know it i have to write it and live it.

this morning's meditation is a simple and clear experience of inner quiet and clarity. that's who i am. that's my inner self. that's the source of all fresh things. writer's block? what's that?

mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness

a lot of mental activity come and go in this morning's meditation. no wonder the sages say, thoughts travel faster than light. one moment there's a thought about oakland, california. in the next moment is another thought about hong kong. i catch myself getting swept up in it when i feel a little dizzed out from the mental twirlings and swirlings. i know i am in a sort of crisis mode when i see the mind getting stuck in a cantonese popular tune about a compulsive gambler. i am about to be sucked into the worrying, anxious, fearful, insecure mode. meanwhile the body is still in a stable, comfortable easy lotus posture. i am still vaguely aware of the rib cage movement. so i summon the will to turn attention to the breath. i take in a deep one, watch the chest expand and then the belly, follow the long outbreath all the way into the natural stillness into which the exhalation merges. then, in a subtle way, i experience the sweet security permeating me. it lasts until the next inbreath begins and the next thought appears. but just a sip of this sweet possibility energizes me. i'm, once again, in the vast, open sky of the inner self with clouds rolling by. clouds are temporary things just as mental activity are temporary configurations of consciousness.

residual habits are tenacious like tiny bamboo shoots. it's just that.

as i see another spurt of mental activity over the sky of the inner self, and this time i see it all has to do with comparing with others, i am hit with a heavy dose of impatience. i thought i had already dealt with this. why is it coming back? when will it go away, really go away? then in another round of breathing in deep and breathing out long i remember what the bamboo expert explaining to me about rooting out bamboos. first i take out the bulk of it. next growing season i see some shoots springing above ground nearby. i nib it as soon as i see them. they are definitely bamboo but nowhere near the twelve-fee-tall, inch-thick canes. rather they are short and tiny. i ask, how long will this go on? she says, it will be a while. they are really tenacious. ahhh. so are these old habitual tendencies. look. i am watching them, journaling them. i am not being them. i know i am not them. i am getting stronger. they are getting weaker. they are short and tiny residual tendencies. not tall and thick bamboo canes anymore. this is where understanding comes in. this is where faith matters. this is where intensifying my meditation practice will strengthen my footing in the sky of the inner self. my own inner self which is pure and the source of creativity, courage, abundance and strength.

ahhh. the tendency to compare is a twisted expression of the longing to find my own true worth. and it exists within me. i just have to look in the right direction. turning inward. not the other way round.

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

meditating on anxiety

in this morning's meditation i see an old tendency appear. anxiety. low grade. sort of like a background noise, something like the drone coming from the fridge. just enough to hang around the periphery of awareness. the thought that pops up with it is, what am i anxious about? but here's the thing. i've come to see anxiety for what it is, beyond the outer circumstances. a function of disconnection. so i make a conscious inner effort to guide attention to the sound and motion in the steady breath. soon i begin to see this 'anxiety' as some weather condition. weather change. weather come. weather go. but beyond weather is the clear blue sky. the sky of the my inner self. good weather doesn't make the sky bigger or bluer. bad weather doesn't diminish the sky in any way. and so, just as i would watch the pouring rain from the shelter of the house i watch feelings and thoughts from the shelter of the breath where the inner self flows through. and guess what? i am returning to a clear and calm state. now i can really see how to take care of what needs to be taken care of. so the anxiety turns out to be a reminder that calls my attention to really stay connected with my own self. hwubby says, yeah, you are the light, all else are just outer circumstances.