emails and spiritual practice

hwubby and i discuss a situation for more than fifteen minutes. he's supposed to be invited to an event. it's the day before the event and he's heard nothing. blah blah blah. finally i say, if this event is that important to you, you need to find out. all i base on is something my says, to the effect, if something comes to your attention and lingers you need to attend to it. what happens is, in my learning experience, if you don't it stirs the mind. like throwing one stone after another into a placid lake, there will be so many ripples that you can't see any reflections clearly. hwubby agrees. after a little while, he says, now there's a problem. i say, what now? he says, it turns out that this person emailed me a while ago for my feedback regarding this event. i thought i sent out a response. i just dug around. that email is in the draft folder.

oy. right away i recall something else my guru say, a yogi can turn anything to his/her advantage. i say, you write an apology email right away, send flowers to her tomorrow, i'm sure this is not the first time something like this happen to anyone in the history of email. anyway it is precisely concerning something like this that i have a practice of going into the sent box after i send out any email. i thought it is a sensible business practice. now i realize it is a spiritual practice as well. it diminishes the possibility for unnecessary mental activity.

in order to attain what you want to attain...

no wonder the ancient wisdom says, be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. i wish for full-realization. and look what i am getting. one challenge upon another. just when i think this is as intense as it gets, the scale and proportion keep getting more intense as time goes by relentlessly. tick tock tick tock. all i can do now is to stay in each moment, be with it as it is and pour forth all the cumulative powers of the spiritual practices and understanding to anchor me tight in the present no matter what. periodically i remember something a person say the other day, over sunday chai, i have a dream with the teacher, in it she says, sometimes you have to go through suffering in order to attain what you want to attain. i take it as a message meant for me. i thank the person for sharing it. the simple statement sounds bitter to the mind which is under the influence of old baggage. at the same time it feels right and releasing. if i could attain what i want to attain without suffering, that would be nice. but if i couldn't what can i do?! i can't back down.

it's fine whatever the outcome is

i absolutely refuse to stay outside of the present moment. that's pretty much my stance yesterday. i keep my focus one-pointedly on the task at hand even when it triggers worrying thoughts, like, she won't like me if i say this, i'll miss this important deadline, what if i am wrong and the situation keeps getting worse. i am aware of them and i keep my eye on the task at hand no matter who says what to me. now i realize i am enjoying the fruits of my practices. i may not consciously remember nothing adds to or diminish the fullness of my own self but the mind and body are already wired enough to default into a beneficial state where i think, speak and act from the place of conviction and courage.

what about the expectation of outcome? in the day's flow of melodramatic twists and turns i find myself free of such concern. as my teacher says, to the effect, we pray not to ask for a certain outcome, we pray to ask for the courage and strength to be with the outcome, whatever it is. if it happens to turn out well, the way it has been so far, it is fine. if it isn't, it is fine too. i mean it. yesterday at several points i find myself having the thought, what if such and such extreme scenario happens? right away i receive a crystal response from within. that's fine too. and i immediately feel this sigh of relief releasing from the belly. i take a brief moment to relish this experience of true freedom. i move on.

out of present and an ankle sprained.

staying fully in the present is the way to plan the future. case in point. i am at the edge of the entrance to the sukka, the temporary outdoor hut, on the way to indoor when a person stops me in my tracks. we speak a little bit. i know i am not fully present because the mind is all about what i want to do next and the body is still in the forward momentum. and so it is when i turn around and put a foot forward i am not looking at where i am going and...whoops, i almost miss a step and end up with a sprained ankle. that, of  course, has impact on the moments in the future.

singing 'shree ram jay ram' in sleep

hwubby says, you sing in your sleep. i say, what do i sing? he says, shree ram jay ram jay jay ram. i am stunned and thrilled. the divine name flows out of me in the sleep state? i see this as a really fantastic marker in my progress towards full realization. may this development expands and permeates the waking state. may the sound of shree ram jay ram jay jay ram reverberate in the mind always. may i be
'stuck' and 'trapped' in the present moment. there's nowhere else i'd rather be. may it be so.

the sky of the inner self is o so sweet

meditate the entire day in whites. what a great thing to do after 11 days roaming coast to coast, city to city, kitchen to kitchen, enjoying the variety of people. no sooner than i sit down than all my concerns about whether i could sit on the floor for extended periods of time after meditating lying down for days are gone. the body gladly settles into a solid, stable easy lotus and there i stay with sublime, sweet contentment. i realize i am looking at the sky of the inner self. the outer sky is as vast and open as the inner one. and just like clouds of all shapes and sizes appear, move and dissipate in the sky clouds of mental activity do the same routine in the inner sky. in fact  a lot of times they come and go so fast that i can't even make out what the contents of these mental meteors are. and it doesn't bother me. i don't chase after clouds. i keep gazing into the sky. as the day of meditation unfolds i realize i'm witnessing sublime alchemy taking place within me. steady, subtle sweetness are being released into all the joints, tissues, ligaments of the body, the entire lake of the mind. hwubby takes a look at me at the end of the day and says, you look so refreshed. give credit where credit is due. i was so tired the night before after a day of schlepping and traveling that i was about to give up on the meditation event. but hwubby says, you have to go. so i do. thank you, hwubby.

to get out of bed or not?

this comes to me in meditation today. when my relationship with the inner self is tight and right, the outer life reflects it. indeed, once i know this is what i want everything in life becomes simple. there's only one question to ask. does this take me closer to the inner self? case in point. this morning i have this ancient struggle of 'to get out of bed or not?' the body and mind say, we are tired. yet there's another part of me that says, you know from experience once you get going and stay in the moment you'll be fine. the bottom line is if i get up later i won't be able to meditate. once i realize that the mind snaps awake and the body follows. sure enough once i get into the flow of preparations for meditation i feel steady and fine.

sorry, body, i've been stuffing you up.

awake at 3. the body is still. the mind is clear and quiet. and it comes to me that for most of my life thus far i have been not giving due attention to the body. by that i don't mean obsessing with weight. i've been stuffing negative thoughts and emotions into the body. really, when i hold onto fear, anger, resentment, greed where do i think they go? they fester in the mind and the mind dwells within the body. i start to say, i'm sorry, body, i've been abusing and neglecting you. then i fall back asleep. and dream.

hwubby and i are traveling. to canada, i think, to attend a major meditation event with lots of people from all over the world participating. we have a home nearby so i think i have no problem getting ready. lord and behold, when i get to the door i see lines of people. i discover my home has been open to all people to come to get ready for the event. i walk in and see people all over the place. it is a huge place. rooms after rooms. beautiful furnishings. exquisite, vintage pieces. closets upon closets of masterfully made clothes. then i'm upset to see i can't even get into my own bathroom. i turn around and see women wearing my cherished cheongsams, chinese dresses. i look at the clock. 8.50. the event is to start 9.10. i think to myself, there's no way i can get there on time. at that point i wake up from the dream, ready to get up and meditate.

this morning's meditation i experience this sweet and close connection to the body with renewed respect. the spine feels a little bit more upright and stronger. the easy lotus posture is that much more relaxed and solid. i really have this sense that i am living in this body, and 'i am' is the inner self.

sleeping less, meditating more, writing better

sleeping less in tahoe. no matter when i go to bed, and i go to bed later than when i'm at home, the mind pops awake no later than 3.30, and i would feel this strong pull to get up and meditate. i don't meditate two hours with the intention to get writing guidance. yet i always see clear and direct instructions regarding where to do what or shapes of scenes. thanks so much, inner self. actually the most enjoyable thing is to see the outbreaths becoming longer and longer, more and more powerful, until the belly wall presses against the back. it feels really nice. very releasing from deep within.

then i go into writing with a cup of tea. so far i've finished re-writing the first chapter. hwubby takes a quick read of it, says, 'it's got a lot of good energy.' now i'm re-structuring and sketching chapter 2 and getting ideas for the narrative to come. it's really fun. i feel so supported.

meditaton keeps the lake of mind calm and clear

my inner self never ceases to amaze me. case in point. there is a person i need to reconnect. it turns out that the phone numbers and email address that i have are no good anymore. it was someone i knew at my old workplace and the workplace doesn't exist anymore either. so after a few frazzled moments i decide to do what i know how to do. i breathe in and out deep and long for a little while. the message from within is unmistakable. i will find her. the power of conviction calms me down. i watch the worry and anxiety huffing and puffing and dissipating instead of letting them tearing my mind in ten thousand directions.

fast forward several days later. at some point in meditation when i have no expectation about it whatsoever. i am just reveling in the sweet and easy breath and the soothing resonance humming through the vast consciousness when i hear one word loud and clear. livermore. i know right away what it means. i write it down while holding my meditation state in place.

later, when it comes time to take care of business, i key in the person's name and 'livermore' and...google. a phone number shows up. i call, leave a message. less than a day later i got a voice message from this person. after taking care of business she says, how do you know my home number? i say, the last time we spoke you told me you were moving to livermore. she says, i did? i don't remember, i don't tell people where i live. indeed. i don't usually ask people where they live either. somehow the question popped out of me and this piece of data got stored somewhere in my consciousness, like a coin at the bottom of a lake. once i can get the lake to be calm and clear i can see the coin when i need to see it.

that's what meditation can do. to keep the lake of mind calm and clear. so i can hear the message from the inner self and see what i need to see.