mental tornadoes

the mind has been in a kind of tornado state in the last couple of few days. i see these horrific devastation in oklahoma and missouri. i send prayers and blessings. apparently medical records from a hospital are being found in chaotic debris piles sixty miles from where they are filed originally. go figure. it dawns on me that in a bizarre way this is kind of what's going on in me. one wave after another is created because of resistance, lack of understanding and the inability to surrender. i am being struck by each wave. may i be washed clean. let there be breakthrough at the peak of such intense experience. let me recognize the fingerprints of fierce grace.  a young boy in missouri, sitting on the bare foundation of what used to be his home, says, we'll rebuild, it'll be better. such shining optimism.

this morning in meditation i watch the swirling funnels of energy hitting me again and again with thoughts, emotions, trying to suck me in. blah blah blah. at the same time i realize i am not caught up in it. it's like i am in deep outer space looking at some inter-planetary kung fu action against the backdrop of the vast, serene cosmos. the theater of action is just a dust particle in the limitless cosmic palace. i realize my inner being has the space and strength to hold all the tornadoes that were, are and will be, and a lot more. i am so awesome. really. while in this state i hear a message from the depths of the inner self. surrender into the present moment, surrender into your own greatness. indeed as long as i can fully plunge into the present moment in a sustained manner my own greatness can shine forth. on a practical level i know what this inner weather is about. i am hitting a snag in organizing the book. this round i am not writing in a sort of free flow, stream of consciousness manner as i did before. this time around it has to be, to a certain point, deliberate and purposeful while preserving the playfulness and spontaneity. i have to bring together two worlds, that of the chinese immortals and humans living here and now. moreover i realize i am not writing literature as i know it. i am really writing, for the lack of a better category, a teaching story. bottom line is the mind has to shift gear. part of me is really in fear, still not letting go of the entrenched writing habits.

afraid that i have set too tall an order. afraid that i can't pull it off. all this and all this have to go. the process is frightening. and yet i know in the end i will see that all this is grace, all this is grace and all this is grace. and so i keep going and staying put in my inner self as mental tornadoes ferociously strike me. i must finish what i have started.

sleeping less, meditating more, writing better

sleeping less in tahoe. no matter when i go to bed, and i go to bed later than when i'm at home, the mind pops awake no later than 3.30, and i would feel this strong pull to get up and meditate. i don't meditate two hours with the intention to get writing guidance. yet i always see clear and direct instructions regarding where to do what or shapes of scenes. thanks so much, inner self. actually the most enjoyable thing is to see the outbreaths becoming longer and longer, more and more powerful, until the belly wall presses against the back. it feels really nice. very releasing from deep within.

then i go into writing with a cup of tea. so far i've finished re-writing the first chapter. hwubby takes a quick read of it, says, 'it's got a lot of good energy.' now i'm re-structuring and sketching chapter 2 and getting ideas for the narrative to come. it's really fun. i feel so supported.