the place where potentiality reigns.

what a meditation roller coaster ride eight thousand feet can make. from the first night, up in tahoe, i am awake after a couple of hours of sleep. i meditate two hours deep in the quiet and scent of russell pines. easy. now i've been home for several days. i'm still struggling with getting up before dawn. the mind seems to be tumbling into a rough terrain that straddles between waking, dreaming and sleeping. the state of awareness is like going through one of those amusement rides some times and tossing through tumultuous ocean other times. brutal currents of thoughts and feelings strike, collide, splash and merge. i see them but no desire to hold onto any of them. i know it's one of those times when i just have to duck, watch them roar and recede, roar and recede.

nevertheless, once i get my butt settled onto the meditation mat the power of the breath movement quickly takes over. it pulls my attention into the steady rhythm of the incomings and outgoings. actually they are come from the same place and go into the same place. where potentiality reigns in pulsing quiet.

you would have done it for me, suk wah.

there we are, clara driving since ten in the morning. we stop at a starbucks at noon. she has tea and banana. i have mocha. a nice pause. then it's another hour on the road when it suddenly comes to me i don't see my little backpack at my feet. clara immediately pulls over. i search and search. i ask myself, where do you last see it, suk wah. when i pay at starbucks. then what do you do? i go to the bathroom. o, i must have, i most probably have left it in the bathroom. i hear clara whisper to herself, then it's lost. nevertheless she opens her cell, starts calling for the starbucks in that area. there are two. i call the first one on the list. a guy answers. i explain. he goes to check, comes back and say, no, it isn't here and nobody has turned anything in. my stomach twists. a rock plunges into my solar plexus. clara calmly says, call the second one. as she says that i am just filled with gratitude for having such a friend. you see, clara has been up since before dawn packing up the rental house in tahoe and she has to pick up her dog after dropping me off. anyhoo, back to calling starbucks. this time, when i get to the work 'backpack' the female voice on the other end says, 'yes, we have it here.' i say, thank you, let me call you back.

among the jumble mumble of thoughts that rush through the mind this one jumps out. if i can get into the house i don't need it back today. so i call hwubby who is in seattle for his chinese bone treatments. he says, yes, there are two spare keys and here're where they are. i end the call. i am about to call starbucks again when clara stops me and says, how are you going to get it back? i say, they can pack it up and mail it back to me. clara says, you really think they're going to do that? i say, look, they can say no and i'll figure out something else, maybe i'll give them some money. clara says, in a tone that doesn't take no for an answser, we'll go back. i say, okay, if you'll let me pay a night of dog hotel and the gas money. she says, dog hotel, yes, gas, no. i know clara after five years of studying scriptures together. the deal is done.

we are both quiet all the way to the store. the staff there couldn't be nicer. a girl goes to the back office and retrieves my backpack. everything's there. i thank them. i ask, where did you find it? she points to the table across from the cashier. now i remember. i leave my mocha there before i go into the bathroom. why would i leave the backpack there? i have no idea.

as clara and i sip drinks outside the store, she says, when you were on the phone part of my mind says, o i'm so tired, i can't drive another two hours. she reaches out her hand, gently puts it over mine and says, another voice says, suk wah would have done it for you, i know that's the voice of my higher self, i can do it, let's see ourselves leaving tahoe and arrive here right now. i finish the sentence and say, yes, do over. right then and there she nibs the tendency in me to get stuck in the past.

here's the great thing about walking the path with a committed seeker. every moment is an opportunity to do over, start over, a fresh beginning, a new life.

i am so fortunate to have such a dear friend in clara. indeed. the self is the same in all.

shiksa. chiksa torahnanda.

i'm having the whole house to myself. everybody have gone out hiking. clara says before leaving, make sure you go out of the house today, okay. and so i do. sitting under the umbrella on the back porch after lunch. after a morning of writing a sketch and chanting vishnu sahasranama. sip some coconut water. sit back and read some issac bashevis singer. i feel perfect. everything is perfect. speaking of singer. seriously. we have such similar temperament. and in terms of writing it amazes me to see a voice that i think to myself, this is as close as it gets to my voice. this is not coming out of analysis. so it's not mental. definitely gutteral. so when hwubby says, playing the role of my writing coach, what makes you say so? i don't have bullet points. all i can say is i have a chemistry with his way of writing. i guess this is kind of like being in love. i can describe all i can, rationalize all the brain knows why. he's gorgeous. he's a good listener. he makes me laugh. he lets me be who and what i am. in fact he encourages me to live out what i ought to be. he is nice to me. he takes care of me, always thinks of me, and on and on. yet i cannot explain why my heart skips a beat and my jaw drops every time i see him walk through the door. i cannot explain why we have so much fun just talking about nonsense. like i finish a singer story and call hwubby up and say, am i a shiksa? he says, not missing a beat, no, you are a chi-ksa. i say, chiksa torahnanda.

teaching from porcupine

here i am enjoying my lunch, yapping away with my hostess/buddy clara on the back porch that is surrounded by jeffrey pines that infuse the ether with fresh butterscotch and vanilla. speaking of my lunch i am so happy that i manage to triage the soup i made for dinner. it was a disaster. too much spice. no. as a matter of fact, it's just spice water. awful. i must be out of my mind after that dip into the cold alpine lake in the sky. fortunately we have lois with us. she is this creative, fantastic cook that can really think on her feet. she cheerfully gets me some vegetable bouillon. i throw in tons of veggies, potato, carrot, peas. splash in lime juice. and a refreshing, hearty summer soup is born.

so there i am slurping and swinging my toes when, all of a sudden, i see something strange moving in the shade in front of my sightline, just a few trees away. my first thought is, this is a big fat black cat. it can't even walk like a cat. it shuffles rather than walks. i don't have distance glasses on. after a few moments i just cry out, what is that? clara turns around because this weird thing is behind her. after examining it for a few seconds she exclaims, that's a porcupine.

both of us have never seen a porcupine till now. but clara knows a lot more than i do about porcupines. it turns out this porcupine must have been sleeping under the porch and found us too loud. poor thing. i am just trying to get a little nap and these loud mouths just won't leave me in peace. as i watch this adorable creature slowly making its way across the gentle shady slope i can't help but admire its contentment and confidence. it doesn't even spend moment to look back at what's the cause of its misery. it keeps trodding forward one step at a time until it disappears underneath the next house which is totally in the shade. so focused. so one-pointed. so fearless. if i pursue my spiritual practices the way this porcupine gets to its siesta place i could be self-realized this lifetime for sure.

i never know where divine guidance might come from. seriously. really have to keep my eye and ear open.

just keeping up with listening to it.

there i am, finally, attempting to make some sounds approximating what the brahmin is letting out of his golden voice. the facial muscles buzz like ten thousand threads of electric currents are coursing through me in all kinds of directions. the last time i have an experience like this is chanting rudram for the first time in a month-long silence retreat deep in the catskills some twenty years ago. a strong hum rattles the skull and limbs. i'm not so much as chanting but trying to keep my head above water in a roaring and rising river. i have to stop from time to time because the english transliterations on the page blur into strings of consonants that twist my tongue into a pretzel. fortunately the brahmin's voice is one of those that chinese say whose resonance wrap around the pillars of air and hover three days in the palace of the atmosphere. the potency in the metallic timbre reaches the bone marrow. the expansiveness in his mighty voice brings to mind the infinite horizons of the cosmos. the sweet kindness ringing in the tone marinates the depths of heart. so listening to the brahmin chanting this ancient hymn is just like being aloft in the crystalline alpine lake under the late afternoon sunshine and losing my gaze into the powder blue clear sky that is like a low-hanging ceiling at this high altitude.

i cannot really see myself memorizing this vishnu sahasranama but i am already loving the listening part of it.

duck feet in tahoe. vishnu sahasranama.

hwubby says on the phone, did you get to tahoe okay? i say, yeah, let the vacation begin and signs are it's a serious vacation. he says, what do you mean? i say, the first foods i have are mcdonald fries and frappe with whipped cream, the first item i get at the store is jet-puffed marshmallows. he laughs and says, very good, are you meditating? i say, yeah, i meditate and i go back to sleep.

i have one goal in this tahoe-ho-ho vacation. to jump start on memorizing the hymn vishnu sahasranama. i have full faith that with the mighty help of marshmallows and potato chips i'll do really well. hwubby agrees. i have forgotten he makes a special trip to chinatown to get my top fave treatie. duck feet. this is like an extra spurt of whipped cream on the frappe. i munch thoroughly on every joint as i soak in the butterscotch-vanilla scent of the russell spines that populate all around the house. what a lucky girl i am.

i am bright and bold sweetness

hwubby says, look at your nest. indeed. my meditation closet is a choreographed pile and cluster of zafu, zabuton, cushions, folded blankets in a variety of configurations. when i went to tahoe, i had two suitcases. the heavier, bigger one is all for my meditation equipment. i'm just so grateful that my teacher has made it possible for me to sit cross-legged on the floor comfortably for an extended period of time. with a lot of support. a lot. this, to me, is compassion.

i've come to a point where i can dwell and roam in the inner mystical world more than two hours and not feeling any strain and stress on the body. in fact, i experience incredible alchemy taking place in the body. lighthearted sweetness steadily release from the joints, tissues, ligaments. the spine is upright and bright. i realize this is not a fleeting feeling. this is the real thing. this is who and what i really am. bright and bold sweetness.

inner self is the best planner

planned to be in tahoe for 3 days. ended up 10 days. i'm not complaining. it's a heavenly place and i made progress with the rewrites. having said that i am aware of the piles of worldly tasks that await. so in this morning's meditation i have to really summon that thing called willpower, which comes from the inner self, to pull back attention from being sucked into worrying and anxious thoughts. after a while i am settled into the flow of the sound of the easy breath while watching the mental activity come and go. the outbreaths are so long and deep and releasing. each exhalation takes away a little more of the worrying tendency that is based in the sense of separateness from the inner self. i emerge from meditation knowing i am in a calm state, my true state. the body is relaxed. i see what task needs to be taken care in this moment. preparations for spiced milk, tea, lamb bone soup. as i am mortaring the spices and chopping ginger i see the essential to-do for the two weeks ahead. solid and clear. this is effortless planning.

i feel much better. thanks so much, my inner self. you're the best planner.

inner self spared me from bear scare

last day in tahoe. awake at 2.59am. part of me says, go back to sleep. another part of me says, get up, meditate and go back to sleep. i follow the latter voice because it is way stronger. the meditation is fine, complete with earplugs.

a few hours later. my fellow yogi who hosts my stay says, we had a pack of bears last night. i say, what? when? she says, first i heard coyote, then there was this rumbling that went around your side of the house before coming to outside my bedroom. i peeked. six of them. a really huge one, another big room and four cubs. i prayed they wouldn't come up the deck. they didn't and trudged to the next house. the guy next door turned on the lights, came out and shooshed them away. i say, i heard nothing. when did all this happen? she says, after 3. ahhh. i had earplugs on all that time. i was spared the scare. thanks so much, my inner self. how intelligent you are. truly awesome.

tahoe sunset. spiced milk

with feel cool and wet i sit on the tahoe beach amidst an exquisite sunset. for quite a while i am drawn to the sounds of the gentle wave rolling in all the way to the tip of my toes. the tingles are thrilling. i see the incoming waves carrying piles of bubbles with them, much like the surges of mental activity. the bubbles burst as the waves run out their momentum. so unless i feed into the mental activity they are bound to run out their momentum as well. and the mind will return to a tranquil state.

last night a fellow yogi makes spiced milk. hot, aromatic. one sip i already notice a feeling of deep settling in. i sleep better and deeper. this morning's meditation has a pristine quality that is subtle but unmistakable.

sleeping less, meditating more, writing better

sleeping less in tahoe. no matter when i go to bed, and i go to bed later than when i'm at home, the mind pops awake no later than 3.30, and i would feel this strong pull to get up and meditate. i don't meditate two hours with the intention to get writing guidance. yet i always see clear and direct instructions regarding where to do what or shapes of scenes. thanks so much, inner self. actually the most enjoyable thing is to see the outbreaths becoming longer and longer, more and more powerful, until the belly wall presses against the back. it feels really nice. very releasing from deep within.

then i go into writing with a cup of tea. so far i've finished re-writing the first chapter. hwubby takes a quick read of it, says, 'it's got a lot of good energy.' now i'm re-structuring and sketching chapter 2 and getting ideas for the narrative to come. it's really fun. i feel so supported.

taking lake tahoe home

diamond-studded alpine lake. thunderous waterfall. cool, cool mountain brook. lovely little church engraved with writings by john muir. i sit down on the front pew and spontaneously go into deep meditation. thank you, nature.  i feel familiar with the pristine quality of the place. it's something i have within. in this way i take lake tahoe home.

universal self has other plans

awake i am 3.30am when i go to bed almost 11.30pm. i can feel part of the body and mind saying, we are tired. but there is a stronger pull, much stronger, saying, get up, meditate, you can always go back to sleep. so i do. the posture feels so comfortable that i end up sitting more than two hours. amidst long, deep breathing i hear the inner voice saying, go home sunday. it feels right. what happens is the plan to return from tahoe today, monday, fell through sunday afternoon. meanwhile i have been getting writing done in a steady fashion. as a matter of fact hwubby said it right from the get go, why don't you stay the whole time. but i really didn't feel like away from him so long. well, as it turns out, the universal self has other plans. hwubby is missing me terribly while being totally supportve and says, yeah, you should definitely stay, i'll arrange to send you what you need for food. how lucky i am.

ice cream. duck feet.

a tailored retreat for suk wah. meditation. study scriptures, alone and with fellow yogis. walk in the beautiful nature of lake tahoe. chanting the names of the inner self. yum cha. yummy food. here's the 'tailored' aspect. a bowl of chocolate ice cream and a plate of duck feet. i feel i'm that much closer to paradise:)

going for the sky and beyond.

3 am. doing my oral thing i have this experience of me watching suk wah getting sucked into some negative mental activity. watching suk wah being pulled here and there by this concern and that worry i could't believe i had lived like that for so long.

then in meditation as i sit comfortably in the body for 2 hours i realize i am having this priceless direct knowledge of who i am and who i am not. i am definitely not that one who identifies with the thoughts and feelings. i am the one who watches with great patience and understanding and clarity and strength. physical strength. mental strength. emotional strength.

a few hours later i am on my way to lake tahoe, taking in the spectacular vista of swathes of alpine trees. they all soar straight up going for the sky and beyond. so am i.