breakthrough by the power of grace.

luxury is so many things to so many people. for me it is to meditate away without a timer. being deep within soaring pines is like extra fresh cream on ripe strawberries. this morning as i recite, as usual since beginning of 2011, some words of my guru's guru, a miracle happens. i watch the river of sound flow out of vocal cord in easeful sync with the outbreaths when suddenly and quietly i notice a subtle switch. the passage as i learn it is in past tense. now i am amazed to see that i am reciting it in present tense. it goes like this.

i do not meditate out of fear but with enthusiasm, faith and love. i do not meditate to please anyone, not to gain benefits from anyone, nor to satisfy a desire, sensual or otherwise. i do not meditate to rid myself of any illness, physical or mental, nor to gain fame through the miraculous and supernatural powers that i may acquire. no one forces me to meditate.  i meditate not because religion says that it is good to meditate. i meditate solely for the love of god, because i am irresistibly drawn toward goddess kunkalini, and to explore my own true nature.

what a breakthrough. i am having an experience of the sublime wisdom that comes out of the intense austerities the compassionate teacher went through with persistence and passion as a student. by the power of grace this little student have come to own the truth embodied in these strings of pearls.

sweet lemon. kaiser

this is a big shout out to kaiser. two weeks hwubby ago hwubby was gurneyed into the vallejo rehab center straight from an air ambulance that flew him in from bellevue hospital, new york city. poor guy is all messed up, severely injured. the taxi slammed into his right side. so the clavicle is broken. a bunch of broken ribs, lung bruises, liver lacerations, pelvic fractures, and a dislocated left pinkie. fast forward. one week in bellebue, mostly in trauma ward. intense pains and spasms. ten on a scale of one to ten. then two weeks in acute inpatient rehab. as of yesterday he can walk on a cane. he says, today i can yawn. really. when he was in bellevue a tiny burp triggers excruciating pains. they can put him in casts because those bones need to move. indeed. how can you breathe if your ribs can't move. anyway, he says, i am learning to do everything all over again, turn over to the left side, sitting up in bed, move my legs across the bed, get myself in and out of bed, tie shoelaces, go to the bathroom. really, it's a major miracle that he can wipe his lovely butt all by himself. he says, i am living in such gratitude, with every little move i make i feel like i am opening a book that has been closed for a long time.

such is the power of the force of healing and transformation.

on fridays there's a splendid farmers market in front of kaiser. a pakistan farmer insists i try a slice of what looks like lemon. i do a double take, make a face, shake my head. he really insists with a wise smile and assures me, it's sweet. i take a leap of faith. and my o my. it's a sweet lemon. a sweetness is is delicate, exquisite, some taste i have never had or imagined before.

against the background of this vibrant bounty i see an army of red-jacketed youths working hard to valet-park visitors to kaiser. all of a sudden i realize this complimentary service is not just to show off how de-luxe this facility this. this is an act of compassion. i see a woman driving an elderly man to the facility. now she can focus on her family. she doesn't not have to worry about parking the car or navigate the distance between the parking lot and the hospital.

i am not saying kaiser is perfect. i have my issues with them. how about the premiums escalating at least twenty percent every year? but this rehab facility and my own experience shine a whole new, bright light on my perception of this institution.

i am praying so hard

i am praying for the courage, compassion and clarity to deal with the latest challenge, a health crisis in the immediate family. i pray for the strength to keep remembering again and again i am equal to the challenge. i pray for the sustained focus and fortitude to stay in the present moment. i'm praying for god to be on my side. i pray that i am on god's side, walking the path one small step at a time, impossibly difficult as it might look like at times.

i am bright and bold sweetness

hwubby says, look at your nest. indeed. my meditation closet is a choreographed pile and cluster of zafu, zabuton, cushions, folded blankets in a variety of configurations. when i went to tahoe, i had two suitcases. the heavier, bigger one is all for my meditation equipment. i'm just so grateful that my teacher has made it possible for me to sit cross-legged on the floor comfortably for an extended period of time. with a lot of support. a lot. this, to me, is compassion.

i've come to a point where i can dwell and roam in the inner mystical world more than two hours and not feeling any strain and stress on the body. in fact, i experience incredible alchemy taking place in the body. lighthearted sweetness steadily release from the joints, tissues, ligaments. the spine is upright and bright. i realize this is not a fleeting feeling. this is the real thing. this is who and what i really am. bright and bold sweetness.