good shabbos ride.

can i get things going in the way i would like? rarely. but here's the fantastic wonder i have come to see. if and when i can pass beyond unmet expectation, stay in the present while keeping eye gently on the goal, i experience marvels that i didn't see coming. this is a fresh addition to this priceless understanding.

friday morning i begin to call the usual suspects to arrange a ride to the rabbi's house for shabbat celebration. as the day goes on i'm more or less sucked into the goings on that pull me in ten thousand directions. by the time it strikes me that i haven't got any return calls from the shabbat ride buddies. it is already five pm. for a short while i have this thought. maybe this is the sign i should stay home tonight, it has been a long and rattling day. and then i hear something else. noah's story. go through directory. on the spot i feel an upsurge of enthusiasm. yes, i want to study noah's story.

i pick up the shul's directory, finger through the membership one by one. attention is one-pointedly focusing on who might be going and passing through my way. gotcha. ann. i call ann. she says, yeah, i'm coming but i'm not driving, louise is picking me up. i call louise. she says, i can pick you up but i don't know i will stay all the way. i say, once i am there i know i can find a ride home. i'm not kidding. there were times rabbi would ask me, while people are leaving, in a volume that is loud enough to fill the ears of anyone in the room, suk wah, do you have a ride home? and, believe you me, if i hadn't had a ride fixed by then someone would step up.

where am i? o yes. so louise shows up on time to pick me up. her husband marvin is driving. ann and i are in the back seat. louise says, suk wah, do you know how to get to the freeway? i say, no, let me call hwubby. well, he doesn't pick up the call. louise, ever so kind, says, it's all right, we'll go the other way. momentary pause ensues. she says, it's all right, i just don't get to do it the way i would like. i burst into a chuckle. i say, you're spot on, louise. that is the secret to living and it has been my experience this entire day. everybody laugh. my eyes swipe around the lovely dusk lights in the distant horizon above the berkeley silhouette. a bright understanding shines through me. i say, but i can say i have no doubt that things always turn out even better i plan, look, this person and that person did not return my calls and now i get to spend some quality time with you. by the way it is so true. louise and marvin have another home in hawaii. they and ann live in the city. i rarely go into the city. we really don't get to spend  time with each other except on high holidays, celebrations and torah study.

not only do i get to spend some delightful time talking and laughing with them i take the opportunity to ask their advice on some delicate matter i have to take care properly and i get it. o yes, this is another great one. i say, i need to run a situation by you guys. they all go in sync, oy vay. i describe the specifics. they take it seriously. they take it seriously. they ask clarifying questions. when all is said and done, i say, thank you, now the problem is no more. ann, who is always filled with bright vitality, says, with deniable authority, no, this is not a problem. louise agrees. i say, hey, you are supposed to guilt me. louise says, no, we are on a higher jewish path. am i fortunate or what to have such fabulous jewish pals.

as i bathe in gratitude i recall this old, wide known joke. if you want to make god laugh tell him/her your plan. the sparkling truth pouring from it fill my heart. good shabbos to all.

surprise. a yogi.

every so often someone comes along and totally busts my spiritual pride. to be more specific it's thoughts like i'm a yogi, what a clever girl i am, i am better than this one and that one, blah blah blah. it's so easy, and tempting, to buy into all this crap. anyhow, anyhoo, we are staying in seattle in this house. a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. i have never met the owner before. hwubby stumbles into this great good fortune through a friend. hwubby moved in a week and a half ago. me. two days. last night was the first time i got to meet her. actually, it was yesterday morning. we hug before she goes to work. in that brief encounter i am already much impressed. actually, i was impressed way back when hwubby asks her if he - and i - could stay with her. she emails back with a simple, unconditional yes. think about it, suk wah. my guru's guru often says, when asked to sum up his teachings in one word, welcoming. getting back to our hug. she is genuine. i feel the kindness, generosity. i am in my fave pj. that's how at home she makes me feel. turns out she is an accomplished professional with a wide range of interests and knowledge ranging from singing, investing in real estate and morse code. yes, she finds reading in morse code so relaxing that she wrote a program to turn the complete volumes of shellock homes into morse code. her enthusiasm is infectious and delicious. really. the sense of wonder, curiosity, the impulse to create. such is the essence of the selves of all. she doesn't talk yoga. she lives it. it's such a delight to be in her presence. fun all around. but no nonsense. how can she be otherwise when she dwells in her heart and her head is stabilized above shoulder. from the highest vantage point, i see her as a real cool yogi.

breakthrough by the power of grace.

luxury is so many things to so many people. for me it is to meditate away without a timer. being deep within soaring pines is like extra fresh cream on ripe strawberries. this morning as i recite, as usual since beginning of 2011, some words of my guru's guru, a miracle happens. i watch the river of sound flow out of vocal cord in easeful sync with the outbreaths when suddenly and quietly i notice a subtle switch. the passage as i learn it is in past tense. now i am amazed to see that i am reciting it in present tense. it goes like this.

i do not meditate out of fear but with enthusiasm, faith and love. i do not meditate to please anyone, not to gain benefits from anyone, nor to satisfy a desire, sensual or otherwise. i do not meditate to rid myself of any illness, physical or mental, nor to gain fame through the miraculous and supernatural powers that i may acquire. no one forces me to meditate.  i meditate not because religion says that it is good to meditate. i meditate solely for the love of god, because i am irresistibly drawn toward goddess kunkalini, and to explore my own true nature.

what a breakthrough. i am having an experience of the sublime wisdom that comes out of the intense austerities the compassionate teacher went through with persistence and passion as a student. by the power of grace this little student have come to own the truth embodied in these strings of pearls.

spontaneity. adventure. sense of wonder.

in all seriousness i'm sipping a summer smoothie, twirling my thumbs and chewing on this 'voice' thing. now i have to give a nod to this smoothie. totally cool, totally ayurvedic and so easy to make. soak some dates, work the hand blender in it, generously toss in freshly ground cardamom, and there you have it. i am lazy. i don't even strain it. i'd like to say i love the fiber and i don't like to waste anything. today i even put in a dash of handmade rose water. really. i can drink this all day long.

getting back to the serious business of figuring out this 'voice' thing. how to bring the two together? one poetic, sublime, the other hilarious, down-to-earth. i take a nice sip and the rich and deep aroma of cardamom sends off refreshing sensation in body and mind. i don't have it figured out. not yet. but i don't feel discouraged. it's like this morning i go into meditation with enthusiasm, faith and love. not a bit dampened by yesterday's experience. why would i be dampened? what was yesterday's experience. gee wiz i can't even bring it up to the mind what happened yesterday. all that happened vanished. only the present moment remains. and right now i recall the two cards that hwubby and i got from a deck of divine attributes before i left the ashram nineteen years ago. spontaneity. adventure. perhaps, maybe, they hold the clue to what i am contemplating. my guru says, let the sense of wonder be constant. i take another sip. i'm fascinated. who knew such magical alchemy could come out of two ingredients. all right, three, including water. cheers. to the sense of wonder.

we persevere our way through speed bumps and potholes

i didn't realize i love my weekly spiritual study session so much until it had to be canceled three weeks in a row. so today i go into it with an extra dose of appreciation and a refreshed sense of how precious it is to have a study companion who is so enthusiastic and committed to studying the scriptures and figuring out how to apply the teachings in day-to-day life. i truly feel energized as the session unfolds. i recognize that there is a mystical alchemy when dedicated seekers get together regularly to support each other as we persevere our way through the speed bumps and potholes on the path to become established in our own greatness. i am so fortunate.

facing whatever it is as it is

often, over the  years, i wonder, what's the meaning of acceptance? now i am granted experiences of it. acceptance turns out to be nothing but facing whatever it is as it is, not as what i would like it to be. real and true acceptance involves enthusiasm. there's no place for resentment and half-hearted efforts. okay, so this is what it is? sure, i'll take it and run with it, dive into it, plunge into it, and see what happens.