never say never. shubh mahasamadhi.

never say never. especially in the ashram. hear me out. i walk into the kitchen ready to do some dishroom seva. who do i see? barbara. all decked out in her corporate 'uniform' baking away. happy contentment is all over her face. i say, hey, barbara, are you going to abicek? by the way, i love, love abicek. four thirty in the morning. in the temple. watching a galaxy of sari clad radiant yoginis orchestrating a ritual bath for the enlivened image of bade baba. in exquisite silence and stillness. we participants chant vedic hymns and then we eat special sweets and sacred water that blends coconut milk and rose water. all done before dawn breaks. all right, where am i? o yes, i want to find a ride. and i know barbara doesn't miss an abicek. she says, all right, i'll pick you up four twenty. i pause for a momen, don't know what to say. i really want to be in the ashram by four so i can get a nice seat up front. okay, i do understand that the grace of a saint is not diminished by one row or two. but i just like to sit a little closer to where the action is. i don't want to sound ungrateful and i hesitate to abuse barbara's kindness. so i swallow my unmet expectation and say, all right. then something overcomes me from within and i hear myself bursting out, sure, and who knows, you might be so inspired to come at three thirty. not missing a beat, barbara says, with all the courage of her conviction, NEVER. i say, well, well, well, never say never, you're in the ashram. really. grace works in creative, out-of-the-box ways.

that was a couple of weeks ago. last night, before going to bed, i had a hunch to check my emergency cell. that's right. i don't really pick up calls on an emergency cell. it's one of the many things hwubby has to put up with me. anyway, there's a new message from barbara. it goes like this. listen, suk wah, i am invited to dress bade baba, they have to dress me in sari, so i have to come to pick you up three thirty. i laugh in awe as i say, thank you, bade baba. i really believe it's my prayer answered. and the truth is that there's enough grace to go around answering evryone's prayers. we just have to have the clarity and courage to see them as smart and right on expressions of grace. seriously how else can you get a girl to get up at two forty five willingly with a smile. try this. you'll be all decked out in a glamorous sari, dripping with jewels, clothe bade baba in spectacular garments and garlands and fresh flowers.

shubh mahasamadhi.

surprise. a yogi.

every so often someone comes along and totally busts my spiritual pride. to be more specific it's thoughts like i'm a yogi, what a clever girl i am, i am better than this one and that one, blah blah blah. it's so easy, and tempting, to buy into all this crap. anyhow, anyhoo, we are staying in seattle in this house. a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. i have never met the owner before. hwubby stumbles into this great good fortune through a friend. hwubby moved in a week and a half ago. me. two days. last night was the first time i got to meet her. actually, it was yesterday morning. we hug before she goes to work. in that brief encounter i am already much impressed. actually, i was impressed way back when hwubby asks her if he - and i - could stay with her. she emails back with a simple, unconditional yes. think about it, suk wah. my guru's guru often says, when asked to sum up his teachings in one word, welcoming. getting back to our hug. she is genuine. i feel the kindness, generosity. i am in my fave pj. that's how at home she makes me feel. turns out she is an accomplished professional with a wide range of interests and knowledge ranging from singing, investing in real estate and morse code. yes, she finds reading in morse code so relaxing that she wrote a program to turn the complete volumes of shellock homes into morse code. her enthusiasm is infectious and delicious. really. the sense of wonder, curiosity, the impulse to create. such is the essence of the selves of all. she doesn't talk yoga. she lives it. it's such a delight to be in her presence. fun all around. but no nonsense. how can she be otherwise when she dwells in her heart and her head is stabilized above shoulder. from the highest vantage point, i see her as a real cool yogi.

an auspicious, joyous happy birthday

what do i feel on the birthday of someone who gives me the experience of my own true nature, shows me how to know it, live it? i feel so happy, so fortunate. she wants the highest for me and nothing from me. well, not exactly. she does want something from me. all that restrain me from becoming and being who i really am. a full and unique expression of the innermost self which is no different from the universal self that creates this ever evolving physical universe.

grateful seekers offer birthday gifts. fruits, jewelries. beautiful things. valuable things. she receive them all with equal thankfulness. in another instant she freely gives them all away. she loves me unconditionally. no strings attached. no attachment either. all she wants is for me to be this happy, strong, courageous and generous person.

one time, over chai, i lament, how can i please my guru? a thoughtful yogi and dear friend and amazing nurse says, do the practices, live the teachings, that's how you please your guru. and so on this auspicious day, joyous day i wish happy birthday to my guru who lives in my pure awareness. she loves me. i love her. this love is pure. this love is divine. it is this love that connects us forever. in the present moment.

salutations to spiritual technology

i've been listening to an ancient mantra specifically for removing negativity and doubt. three to nine times at a time. mp3 and adobe files are on the desktop. i put on headset and instantly transported to the world where the fiery form of lord shiva tears off the fifth head of brahma. the brahmin's voice is pure and strong. the melody is more than lyrical. i can feel the vibrations working in the bone marrow and beyond. feeling great is great. but there's also proof is in the pudding. so now what's happening is the tune is sort of set into a neural circuit. it loops. i guess i can say i am having an experience of what the scriptures and guru say, to the effect, you can't just yank negativity out of the mind just like that and once and for all. well, i can but it's when i've already done enough spiritual work to prepare myself. suffice to say i am not in that category, not yet. here's the good news. the mind tends to get bored. it is all into the next new thing and wants to go towards the light. the light of joy. the light of courage. the light of strength. so a proven and tested remedy is to give the mind a new habit to chew on. when the mind is busy with setting up the new loop, audio, visual or a combination of both, i forget about negativity. and when i am aware of them i see them for what they are. ocean foam. look real but uc-ah. nope. that's fabulous news to me. no fighting necessary. easy way out. now all i have to to when i catch a thought, emotion that don't look and sound like my own inner self, just hit the buttons on the desktop and, voila, i am back in my own inner self. for some highly evolved yogis they don't need to go into such a long and elaborate chant for this purpose. but, mind you, suk wah, this is a thought that sounds like comparing based in poverty consciousness. go right back to the mantra. right now. okay. after posting this on facebook and twitter.

salutations to the power of spiritual technology.

singing om everyday

everyday, as part of meditation, i sing om seventy-two rounds. that's after i recite the poems and gather attention to the lovely and soothing sound of the breath flow. why seventy two? because i use a  necklace that has thirty-six pearls. i inherited it from, may she rest in peace, my mother-in-law. i figure i don't wear it everyday but, hey, this is even better, it guides me to connect with my own true nature. can't beat that.

but why seventy-two? here's the story. as part of the yearly study focus, my guru instructs me to sing om for nine minutes a day, or twenty-nine minutes. i know some really dedicated and disciplined yogis set aside time during the day that is specifically devoted to singing om. i have the highest admiration for them. as for me, i am really not up there yet. so i just lump everything into my morning meditation. my study buddy says she does about thirty-two om in nine minutes. so i start with that and time it. somehow when i do it thirty-two om it takes me fifteen minutes. i realize it is because i'm really into the nasal reverberation at the end of the syllables. anyway, i know i need something to help me do the counting. in meditation my mother-in-law's pearl necklace comes to me. so i've been using it ever since. seventy-two oms insures at least twenty-nine minutes.

 a seasoned yogi teases me good-naturedly, well, then, you are not following the guru's command, twenty-nine minutes, not more, not less. all teasing aside, there's a point to it. the guru's command embodies vast wisdom in infinite layers. but, you know what, better singing om than not singing it. besides i have full conviction the the power of grace takes me across anything. i may be on a detour but i will get there. grace makes sure of that.

having said all this i have it in the back burner of my awareness to contemplate this. is there a trace of habitual tendency that is based in poverty consciousness in what i'm doing? like, twenty-minutes is not enough, not good enough. hmmmm.

a boon in disguise

i don't go out in the evenings. if i do it is a super-duper special event. so when i feel this desire to say yes to this facebook invite i think it is because the host and hostess are fellow yogis who are dear to me. so there we are, hwubby and i, having a wonderful time with all these people in a gallery, celebrating the creativity and birthday of a fine yogi, tom franco. by the way, all these years, i pretty much see tom in between extended meditations. while i meditate on my elaborately arrangement of blankets and cushions tom dedicates to selfless service to create and sustain a meditative environment for seekers. he's a major boon to humanity. we nod and smile at each other and i feel so close to him. anyway, anyhoo, i am so thrilled to see him in his full artistic glory.

while i am enjoying the yummy birthday cake and the spread of refreshment that julia, tom's sweetheart, collaborator and life partner so lovingly has put together  i notice hwubby absorbed in a conversation with a highly esteemed yogi. so later i say, out of curiosity, you had a nice time with vinod, huh? hwubby says, he knows what happened to me, and he doesn't mince words. i say, what do you mean, what does he say? well, vinod says, to this effect, you had a rest, it's a boon in disguise, you had to learn something, you were made sure to learn it. hwubby says, what is it? vinod says, discipline. and then he gazes into hwubby and says, you got off dirt cheap. really. who knew we would be illumined with such divine understanding while a hot band is rocking out a few feet from we stand. i realize there isn't a spiritual life within and a worldly life without. it's one life.

great to be back with the yogis

walking across the threshold to shivaa's divine dwelling i feel i have never left after being away from our sadhana circle for a month. i have this refreshed connection with rudram, a major portion of the vedas. it's so direct, so naked. my voice simply swims along with the ups and downs of the sacred melody, effortlessly blended into the one bright and steady voice created by the ten of us. by the time we sing om, this river of reverberation flows out of my vocal cord, merges with the sacred sound rivers pouring out of nine yogis. a magical river comes into being. the sublime syllable fills me up. my entire universe pulsates. i realize my universe includes all the universes and all the universes are within my awareness.

as i savor the food prepared by shivaa, i am also eating up the divine adventures of arielle. her strong connection with the guru within is so inspiring. shivaa's soup is fantastic companion to go with contemplation. dal with barley, mushroom and coconut milk. i slurp down two big bowls.

a very crabby thanksgiving

i say, i really had a lot of crab. hwubby says, you must be kidding, you've had crabs enough for a year. look. i have the pic to show for it. look at the gigundo bowl of shimmering crabs next to the fifteen pound thanksgiving bird.

by the way that green patch on the bird's thigh is evidence of my seven-grader nephew byron's great and hard work as his dad's sous chef. he scrubs sage butter under the skin.

i digress. but it's hard not to when i am in stun and awe of this sublime thanksgiving banquet that tommy, my nephew, and his family spent a week and countless hours to plan and execute.

so, what about the crabs? the aroma is that of the fresh ocean and abundant earth merged into a grand harmony. i take a bite and i totally forget the principle of moderation. i'm determined not to leave a piece behind. in fact i keep licking fingers to make sure i suck up all the flavors. and what a spectacular flavor profile he has created. all right, so tommy, my cousin, has not invented the vietnamese way of making crab. but, in my humble, and, okay, maybe biased, opinion, he has perfected it. the foundation of butter and garlic is solid but not overpowering. how do i know? because the crabs at room temperature are not greasy. the garlic hums in the background like the eternal presence of the sacred resonance of om. the texture is smooth and moist. it has a bite, almost al dente, and yet, in a mysterious way, it feels buttery between teeth. peppery heat sparkle on the palate but not tongue-numbing. in fact it enhances the ethereal brininess which is a sure sign that the crabs are top quality material. there is so much life in each bite. there is not a drop of white wine in sight. only the intoxicating scent remains. just before turning off the high, high heat he drips in a teeny weeny bit of lemon. the touch of acid brightens the brininess the way a pinch of salt infuses freshness and lightness into sweetness. the moment he turns off the heat he showers plenty of finely chopped parsley over the creation. he says, this parsley brings everything together. i don't know why. i don't care. i just can't stop eating. i clean the bowl out.

it's surely a crabby thanksgiving. and it's superb.

anyway, as lord krishna says to arjuna in bhagavad gita, yoga is skill in action. from this perspective, that tommy is definitely a yogi.

to be continued...

connectedness. spiritual workout. twelve-step

of all the bad and negative emotions and feelings which is the most awful? for me it is loneliness. i am even feeling bursts of shame and embarrassment just becoming vaguely aware of the yucky things i did and said out of loneliness. anyway. last night as i sing om with fellow yogis in our regular gathering - i call it spiritual workout - very soon i hear my voice rising and ebbing with the group's sound. without any pre-arrangement we start a round at the same instant and enter the subtle resonance together. it's a great feeling. our inner selves merge into one conducting the flow of sound. the mind starts to look for a word to encapsulate it. it comes quickly. connectedness. then one insight flows out after another as i am carried aloft on this comforter of sacred sound. i am not alone. we come together as earnest seekers to help each other remember that. the outer connectedness shows me the way to connect with the inner self.

it helps too to have vito's pasta sauce made from home grown tomatoes and prepared in the real italian way.

then i recall a core operating principle of the twelve-step program. when people who truly want to make meaningful change come together we help each other to emerge from feeling isolated. little by little, over time, we reach out for support, guidance and, lo n behold, we see so much higher power already within us, always there, ready, willing and able to walk us step by step to become what we ought to be from where we are.

on the day before thanksgiving i feel so fortunate to have such abundant holy company. really, people who work hard on recovering their connection with higher power are great people to be with. and fun too. in their presence, each in his/her unique and wonderful way, i am reminded who and what i really am. above all, i no longer feel alone. and that is a priceless gift. thank you all.

love my fellow yogis

back to doing spiritual practices with fellow yogis after a two-month absence. love it. the eight of us pour our whole being into the practices, be it chanting a vedic hymn or singing om or meditating or...eating. about singing om. this time i consciously shift the note after several rounds. as i rise to a higher note i hear waves of beautiful harmonics sweeping into my consciousness. our individual sounds come together. mystical alchemy happens. blossoms of grand resonance appear, sustain and dissolve in a comforting rhythm. soon i experience no difference between the resonance outside of me and the reverberation within me. i am filled with waves of sweet and spectacular resonance. i hear my own resonance pulsing through my entire being while the vast symphonic sound undulates everywhere in my awareness.

and then shivaa feeds us to beautiful, pure food. a bowl of azuki bean soup permeating shittake aroma gently fills the belly with yummy nourishment. a dollop of fresh whip cream, infused with maple syrup and vanilla, over upside down apple pie provides the perfect sweet note to satisfy the body and mind. i love my fellow yogis. we check in with each other on our spiritual wellbeing. we don't gossip but we support each other's spiritual growth. we pray together in one voice with one intention.

i couldn't be happier to be back with them. love my fellow yogis.

tahoe sunset. spiced milk

with feel cool and wet i sit on the tahoe beach amidst an exquisite sunset. for quite a while i am drawn to the sounds of the gentle wave rolling in all the way to the tip of my toes. the tingles are thrilling. i see the incoming waves carrying piles of bubbles with them, much like the surges of mental activity. the bubbles burst as the waves run out their momentum. so unless i feed into the mental activity they are bound to run out their momentum as well. and the mind will return to a tranquil state.

last night a fellow yogi makes spiced milk. hot, aromatic. one sip i already notice a feeling of deep settling in. i sleep better and deeper. this morning's meditation has a pristine quality that is subtle but unmistakable.

where do all those lights in the dream come from?

sleeping 7000ft above sea. bright and vibrant dream. lots of laughter, back and forth and activity with my meditation teacher. at several points i am working with a bunch of yogis to mash lots of ripe bananas and mangoes because the teacher says to me with a bright and kind smile, we have to feed a lot of people. so much fun.

i wake up with this question. where do all those lights in the dream come from? my eyes are closed. the room is dark. the lights have to come from within me. i am sleeping but someone is watching and understanding all that unfolding dream drama. who's that? then it occurs to me this is the same one who watches that suk wah being pulled here and there by thoughts and feelings. this is someone who sees and gets it. indeed. i can safely say all that in the external world are some form of dreams. i have so much lights within. beautiful lights. pure lights. happy lights. lights of courage. lights of strength. lights of kindness. lights of generosity. so on and so on. no end to the abundance within.

judgmental. just mental.

how fortunate am i to have such sublime, super-fun fellow yogis? let me count the ways.

we come together regularly. i don't drive. so they make sure i get schlepped around. it always give my heart an extra lift to know i will always be welcomed and received by all these big, open and generous hearts with their warm, beaming smiles. we chant a surpreme vedic hymn, meditate. and then we eat all that superb food that shivaa lovingly and skillfully prepared. as we feed the stomachs we discuss, contemplate, share insights and what we have learned in the context of applying a particular teaching in our day-to-day life. full beyond measure. always lot of laughter.

last evening as i am relishing the rice fuselli that is well coated in a sesame pesto and tossed in a stirfry of mushroom, sugarsnaps and summer squashes i marvel at the palette of bright, bold colors and refreshing flavors and chew on the residual tendencies that i have been working on. unworthiness. fear of getting lost. i say them out loud. i receive no judgments, nor indulgences. they look at them with utter compassion and detachment. in that way i learn to disengage from them a little bit more. the habit of beating myself up for having such thoughts is largely uprooted. whatever remains i am aware of it but it no longer has the power to suck me out of the present moment.

the spiritual dissection is deep. at one point i feel the mind is saying, you are frying me. fortunately shivaa's salad gives a cooling relief. the golden, nectarean, juicy mango shining through the bright greens, sparkling with pomegrantes tones down the fire of resistance in the mind. roasted peanuts pack the right punch to keep the fidgeting mind still. the lemon tarragon dressing only enhances the calming effect further.

we love our spiritual discussion so much that we do some more of it after singing om and meditation. it is then i remember another biggie that's been tugging me for my entire life. i say, hey, here's one that i am still working on hard, judgmental. shivaa, ever witty and spot on, says, yeah, just mental. indeed. it's the thing of the mind to keep making up stuff. mental creations are, at best, like tchotzhkes. cute and taking me out of the present moment.

really, seriously, without a doubt, well fed on all levels.

looking at depression

i can't say enough how fortunate i am to have such a great group of fellow yogis who are so into examining mental activity, looking at them as they are through the lens of the inner self. case in point. i say, when i was going through clinical depression i was getting psychotherapy and really upset that meditation couldn't take it away. then i heard a swami say 2 things. they go something like this. firstly mediation can remove depression, or any suffering for that matter, unless you hold onto it. secondly psychotherapy is useful when you are caught up in it, depression, whatever. it gives you some distance, helps you to separate from it, so that you are not being it. but the truth of the matter is this. the root cause of depression, once stripped of the specifics, is the longing to become connected, to love and be loved. and that can only be experienced in a meaningful and lasting way through perceiving the light of your own self within.

my fellow yogis listen intently. shivaa says, when i was diagnosed with parkinson's, i went into depression. one day i woke up, realized that this depression is a dark cloud. i have the choice to let it hang over me or turn away from me. this dark cloud is not me. so i turn away from it.

laura, who is not into yapping and yapping and when she says something it's always kind and insightful and sweet, says, yeah, we take this depression thing and claim it, thinking we are it, that's the mind, the ego. yeah. the ego tricking us through the mind.

this morning i awaken and experience this sense of watching suk wah, everything that go with it. i am watching suk wah being suk wah with enthusiasm. it's crystal clear that this 'i am' is what i really am. always watching. always with it. free and joyous. the source of all the great gems, courage, strength and so on and so forth. i am the self. the rest are just what need to be taken care of. no more. no less. love.

doing rudram 3 times on president's day. 45m + 33m

today's meditation is a no-brainer. i'm already in a wonderful and marvelous state before i even sit down. all because of the spectacular celebration yesterday.

in fact i am sure i am there right now.

as clara and i are about to open the front door to shivaa's shining abode i can hear the bright and joyous power of yogis singing sacred syllables from a 5000 year old scripture.

have the chutzpah to put tuchas on the table. 38 m + 22 m

the inner self does not mince words, always cuts to the chase. for instance, today, moments after i am into the easy lotus posture i get these words clear and bright: shivaa, pesto, rudram.

here's the genius of the inner self. just as a seed contains the essence of a plant, its bare bone directive holds the key to a complete piece.

but i digress.

let me get back to shivaa, my sis on the spiritual path.

my god-sis. 38 m + 21 m

on one hand the holy-day season is marvelous and wonderful. on another hand it is so very sweet and settling to return to the calming and calm rhythms of day-to-day life.

as the easeful breath flows ever more freely through the body and mind i have this keen awareness of a soft whiff of sadness nudging my heart.

i know what it is about. i miss my muimui.