looking at depression

i can't say enough how fortunate i am to have such a great group of fellow yogis who are so into examining mental activity, looking at them as they are through the lens of the inner self. case in point. i say, when i was going through clinical depression i was getting psychotherapy and really upset that meditation couldn't take it away. then i heard a swami say 2 things. they go something like this. firstly mediation can remove depression, or any suffering for that matter, unless you hold onto it. secondly psychotherapy is useful when you are caught up in it, depression, whatever. it gives you some distance, helps you to separate from it, so that you are not being it. but the truth of the matter is this. the root cause of depression, once stripped of the specifics, is the longing to become connected, to love and be loved. and that can only be experienced in a meaningful and lasting way through perceiving the light of your own self within.

my fellow yogis listen intently. shivaa says, when i was diagnosed with parkinson's, i went into depression. one day i woke up, realized that this depression is a dark cloud. i have the choice to let it hang over me or turn away from me. this dark cloud is not me. so i turn away from it.

laura, who is not into yapping and yapping and when she says something it's always kind and insightful and sweet, says, yeah, we take this depression thing and claim it, thinking we are it, that's the mind, the ego. yeah. the ego tricking us through the mind.

this morning i awaken and experience this sense of watching suk wah, everything that go with it. i am watching suk wah being suk wah with enthusiasm. it's crystal clear that this 'i am' is what i really am. always watching. always with it. free and joyous. the source of all the great gems, courage, strength and so on and so forth. i am the self. the rest are just what need to be taken care of. no more. no less. love.

what's the difference between psychotherapy and meditation?

today i have this subtle and marvelous experience in meditation.  my steady and stable easy lotus posture relaxes the body and calms the mind. i realize the posture, while being a fundamental in being able to sit comfortably for an extended period of time, is an attainment in itself. it took a while and some doing to set it in place. worth it? you bet.

as i revel in the relaxing sensation gently massaging the tightness lodged deep in the neck and shoulder i recall something.

moving to center of seesaw

5 am sunday. hwubby drops me off at the ashram. i'm happy to walk the 15 min but he says, i'm up anyway. isn't he just fabulous?!

no sooner than i put my right foot across the threshold into the meditation hall i experience this sure sense of settling into a world of soothing and vibrant silence. even as i am arranging my meditation set-up i am already deep in meditation, well established in the awareness that i am none other than the inner self. call it soul, spirit. this is the real me.

as i am breathing through this understanding i know my consciousness is being held in the cumulative devotion, dedication, discipline and determination of many, many meditators, seekers, students, yogis who have been meditating, chanting and offering endless selfless service for 30 plus years to keep this holy place in pristine condition. my great good fortune is beyond words.

in this living and breathing silence i see i am moving steadily towards the center of the seesaw. the seesaw of pleasure and pain, ups and downs in the physical universe. my meditation practice is establishing me in the center where i am not tossed around but responding when necessary from a place of relaxed alertness.