oil bath. oil bliss. samosa. passover.

photo by nat

vaidyagrama is not a spa. i said this before, i say this again. doctorji would, patiently and kindly, say, goal of treatments is not to pamper on a superficial level. yet, there are times when i say to myself, this is as good as it gets when it comes to pampering. treatment in point is...drumroll please...pizhichil. that’s what it’s called in sanskrit.  i call this samosa treatment. turn and turn you in hot oil till you are cooked properly. got the picture? physically it’s oil bath. emotionally it’s oil bliss.  it’s oil heaven, i'm not kidding. come on, suk wah. what are you talking about?

here’s how it goes down.

picture this. 3000ml of very warm medicated sesame oil. 3 therapists. one therapist on left, another on right. they work in sync over the body parts in choreographed movements while abundantly and steadily streaming warm oil over the body part. third therapist collects oil draining from the neem treatment table, warm them up in a big pot over a burner, and keep supplying buckets of warm oil to the two therapists. it’s an elaborate and complex treatment. very hard work. a luxurious extravaganza. a treatment fit for queen.

how sublimely royal i feel as blankets of warm oil drape over feet. waves of relaxed feeling steadily swell up all the way to crown of head. i experience this resplendent empress shining brightly within me and that’s who i really am. all that layers that hold me back from living in that place are being washed off me. meanwhile oil sheets flow over and into everywhere, front and back - depending on whether i am lying on stomach or back or sides - permeating every pore. so calming. folks, there is a sky of difference between calm and spacing out. true calm implies alert, vigilant and focused. focusing on what? what else, where else but the present moment within the serene grounds in the midst of forest.

photo by nat

as viscous warm oil irrigate body parts i see the mind being pulled back from the usual frenetic thinking pace.  mental activity is restored to its natural pace....close to nil. only a silent hum, that is in sync with the natural breathing, remains. whatever thoughts, emotion appear they are weak. i see them form and dissolve, come and go. it is utterly evident that this is how my inner state ought to be, not the other way round. it’s like seeing with clean glasses. i realize i have been seeing myself and the world with foggy and smudgy lenses that are smeared with limitation and negativity. seeing now comes from an inner place that is quiet. still. serene. alert. clear. this is like the inner swiss clock that has been running a mile a sec is being returned to the easeful tick-tocking it ought to be doing.

photo by nat

as i type this i just came out of a full-immersion meditation retreat a few days prior. for 12 hours everyday we meditated and chanted om namah shivaya. this is something i do at least once a year or as often as ashram would have it. this time around it was so effortless to enter into deep and profound silence very soon after i sat into easy cross-legged posture. it became so easy, a given, something natural. i experience the teaching that says, meditation spontaneously happens. what’s even more amazing is that i am able to go thru worldly activity while carrying this state within me days after the retreat. it is still going strong. before i would see this precious state gradually weakening. in my heart of hearts i see the connection between this strengthening and the impact of having gone through seven days of ‘samosa treatment.’

look, there are two types of ama, aka toxins in body, one from improper metabolism of food, the other from...you guess right, mental ama, residuals of negative thoughts, feeling and emotion accumulated over a period of time, say, a decade, or, in my case, a few. i hear that the mind produces 20-30 thoughts per minute. that’s 30-50,000 per day. you do the math for a few decades. there is a chinese saying that goes like this. dripping water pierce rock.

since  i am writing this during passover, it comes to me what some rabbis say about the way pharaoh keep changing his mind about letting jewish people go. after changing his mind a few times torah says pharaoh’s mind is ‘hardened.’ to me, at this moment, it means to me the vibrations of his negative thoughts, speech and action became ama. they didn’t get eliminated. they snowballed,  ‘hardened’ the way he thought, spoke and acted. since i am a hassidic kind of girl, i like to read the passover story as my own story. all that negativity i had in the past don't just disappear. they stay, take root, and keep steering my body and mind away from optimal level. they gotta go. let my inner queen leave the bondage of negative vibes. let all that ama go.

photo by nat

my doctorji, dr harikrishnan, is a very grounded, head-on-the-shoulder fellow. i ask, what exactly does pizhichil do? he says, body has to be oiled before act of purification, you just came out of purgation so you need to be oiled before we perform another act of purification on you. in all my excitement i tell him all this wonderful feelings and experiences i have in the treatment. he listens intently, nods, and says in his ever even tone, ‘i see. you like it.’ well, ‘like’ is an understatement. if i were in a spa i would tick off, on the treatment menu, pizhichil and mark it big and bright, DAILY. unfortunately this is not a spa. panchakarma is equivalent to a major surgical procedure. just like surgery it has to be done in a hospital. pizhichil is a powerful treatment, part and parcel of panchakarma. just like surgery it has to be done in a hospital, as prescribed by doctor. o, well, i take this as another opportunity to cultivate letting go of wanting what i like and embracing what i need. good news is, here, what i need is  no different from what i like. om namah shivaya. cool.

panchakarma sets new baseline

photo by nat

hwubby has this one line response when people ask him, what does panchakarma do for you? he says, panchakarma sets a new baseline for how healthy and well i can be. so, simple. i like it, i hear the ring of truth in it but i don't really get what it means for me. now i do. here's what happened. for last two days i was in a full-immersion meditation retreat in ashram. by the way while i was meditating 7 hrs a day and chanting om namah shivaya several more hwubby was in stockton having a grand time in a glorious music festival. i was invited as well. it was a wonderful and tantalizing event but my heart just can't say no to  being able to meditate in deep silence with fellow meditators, drink and eat and breathe the sound of om namah shivaya. never ceases to amaze me that i would have such an unconditionally supportive hwubby. om namah shivaya indeed.

anyway, what am i supposed to be talking about? right, panchakarma, new baseline. from the get go let me pat myself on the back by saying i do have a pretty strong meditation practice. i thought i was doing really well, having all this marvelous connection with my innermost and highest self, fantastic insights, beautiful visions and so on and so forth. but, wow, my experiences in these last two days have been like, looking at  wall-to-wall high def screen....no, better yet, retina display, no pixel can be detected whatsoever, after watching a good quality one for a long time. it was excellent before but now it is off the charts clear, vibrant. another metaphor is this. looking into golden gate bridge from east bay after a huge storm when the air is squeaky clean, dust free. and, believe me, i had a few 'sky is so clear that i can see forever' moments before.

i can say that i was basking pretty much in this abundant state of consciousness the entire two days.  the truly stunning thing is it feels so natural, so easy, that i am really surprised that i didn't feel this way before, like, how did i live before this. i can truly see through inner eye that the qualities such as joy, courage, strength, steadfastness and many more are not stuff that i have to look for outside of me. there is this greatness shining inside me, this cosmic mansion that is bright as a thousand suns glowing in my center. like cloud activity that is constant in the sky, mental activity brewing from deep-seated tendencies come and go, form and dissolve. but they are not me. i am that cosmic mansion that is always shining. boundless. untouched. unchanged. i am within that and that is within me.

photo by nat

i have no idea how panchakarma works to help get me to this place but i can say for sure it has somehow dissolved that deep-seated tendency to worry. well, i shouldn't say that so soon but the tendency to worry has definitely much, much weakened, so much so that i can relatively effortlessly choose not to let it get in the driver seat of my thoughts, speech and emotions. now, for me, that is true freedom. it's like wonder oil has cleansed the lens of worry-dust through which i perceive the world.

in another few hours it will be time to commemorate passover, when the jewish people were led out of the narrow land through divine guidance. welcome to pesach, suk wah. it's time to move out of narrow consciousness for good. worrying is not what i am made of. believing otherwise is ignorance. and somehow the ancient sages in their profound meditation they saw that. what's even more astonishing is that they could see that panchakarma, with all that oil drinking, could play a role in dissolving this malignant tumor. this is why ayurveda text says the true goal of panchakarma is moksha, liberation.

(TOOK A PAUSE TO MAKE VEG FOR 50+ PEOPLE TONIGHT.)

photo by nat

as i was preparing food for tonight's seder i remember a recurring image that came to me in meditation in the last two days. it goes like this. i am looking out from a moving car's window. place is new york city. fifth avenue? well, wherever fendi the store is. for my friends in india, fendi is this long-time institution in italy this is widely regarded as among the top best in designing and making fur. anyway one garment in the display window absolutely catches my eye. i see it in meditations no less clear than i saw it then. a snow white, beautifully made hoodie. i love a nice hoodie, especially a nice and white one like that. this one has a special elegance that is beyond words. it is then that it dawns on me that this one is made of mink. a white mink hoodie. now that's what i call truly quietly expensive. what was i thinking at that moment? it goes like this. no, i couldn't afford that and even if i could it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a hoodie. what am i thinking when i see it in meditations? firstly, i don't need another hoodie. secondly, i see that those thoughts came from poverty consciousness that foments unworthiness, worry and their relatives. once i get this i look at this object with a new eye. i appreciate its beauty, craftsmanship and boldness. i have a strong sense that i already own it.

so, let me say it and say it again with a delightful yiddish flavor. let me get my tuchas out of mitzrayim already. dayenu. dayenu. may it be so.

photo by nat

    

drinking oil. wonder oil. mantra. japa.

photo by sonia

i have to confess. even after twenty years i really didn't have much of a relationship with the mantra om namah shivaya. until i was about to drink 180 ml of medicated sesame oil at 6.30 am on jan 1, 2013. the truth of the matter is i have always felt more naturally connected to the mantra Hamsa. fortunately my guru is totally okay with that. anyway there i am staring down into the cup of golden oil.  all i know is i am at a forkroad. either i am going to throw up or.....it is at that moment that quietly and suddenly om namah shivaya arises within. strong and clear. in another fraction of a moment i see within my guru's beaming face. we are eye to eye. i feel this surge of fearlessness steadily fill me up. i know exactly what to do. quietly i say om namah shivaya. i take a gulp. another round of mantra. another gulp. and so on and so forth. until cup is empty and my being is filled with pure golden oil and pure golden mantra.

two days later my sadhana study buddy emailed me the new year message from shri guru. what else but....mantra japa. and the mantra to focus on this year is...drum roll.... om namah shivaya.

i have to say that was such an 'ego massage' moment. i was seriously congratulating myself for being so tuned in. :)

all self-praising aside, ever since then my heart has been gushing with love for om namah shivaya. fresh love. sweet love. i would find myself loudly saying it and it is in sync with whatever emotion that is going thru me. i say om namah shivaya in an angry tone. i say om namah shivaya in a questioning tone. i say om namah shivaya in a 'whatever' tone. in a frustrated tone. in a happy tone. i say it anywhere. when i am waving flame in temple. when i am doing grocery, picking out mango and carrot. when i am drinking decaf - no, ayurveda doesn't say you shouldn't eat this or drink that, what the ancient text says is if you can digest it you can eat anything in moderation once in a while. om namah shivaya to the ancient rishis and my doctorji who follows the texts to the dots and tees, which, by the way, is why i love vaidyagrama so much.  doctorji's mantra is,'we only do what the text says.'

back from detour, suk wah. what am i talking about? o yes, the mantra om namah shivaya and snehapana, drinking oil. the mind would never be able to figure out the mechanism by which going thru this major panchakarma treatment would get me to the place of enjoying mantra repetition. but, hey, i don't know exactly how electricity works either. i can still enjoy the benefits of it. to me this is what panchkarma is about, clearing the way for me to plug into the source of divine love. let that sublime electric current flow thru me. by the way, a facebook friend says, wonder oil it is. he's right. this, ta-da, is the wonder oil treatment.  It unveils the light of the mantra. om namah shivaya

photo by nat

love potion # 7

what do i eat during snehapana besides oil? firstly, oil here is considered medicine. as far as food goes. if and when all the oil has been digested, which is probably late afternoon to early evening, i get to have  thin congee and broth. it sounds terrible. but once the oil is in me all i focus on is frequently sip hot water and pay attention to burps. do they smell oil? o, yes, and also, do i feel hungry? i mean, literally, do i feel thunder in stomach?

last year, in my first round of panchakarma i drank oil for 3 days. this year i am upgraded. to 7 days. a sure sign that this is digging into deeper stuff. honestly on the eve before the final day i saw doubts flickering in the back of mind. i am not sure if i could do this another day. this afternoon i walked into the treatment room for a short massage and, boom, i was nauseous just from the oil particles floating in the air. it doesn’t help that i feel belly ache, ear ache, dizzy. at 8 pm hwubby took charge and beeped doctorji. dr harikrishnan came right over, literally in moments. after all his room is just a walkway from ours. by the way according to ayurveda text the relationship between doctor and patient is like father and son? what does that mean? well, father and son live under one roof. here in vaidyagrama they want authentic text so  the doctors live with their patients. this is practically a home hospital. and i have to say i am deeply moved by the way the doctors here are dedicated to provide authentic ayurveda care, to the point they either move their families to vaidyagrama or visit. the way the doctors live is what they teach us. live simply. live well. live healthy. live happy. they truly walk the talk. their strong and pure intention infuse the treatments and meds with that much more potency.

anyway back to the night before oil drinking day 7. doctorji examines and treats me. the truth is, having him by bedside, tapping up and down the belly, feeling his kind and caring presence already makes me feel better. i ask the burning question as i chew the tablets he gives me, doctorji, do you think i can make it? he says, do you want to? wow. his question reveals the light in my heart. i realize i am the one who have to take responsibility for my health. as dr ramkumar again and again says loud and clear, doctors are not healers, they are catalysts to help you to heal. if i do want to be truly healthy i have to put in some effort. there is this source of strength and courage and happiness within. the reason i am here for round two is to access that place and reclaim ownership of it. answering doctorji’s question i say, yes, i want to, i do. indeed, this is why i am here, therefore keep my eye on the purpose. the rest are just situations to take care of.

and so i surrender to the highest self, plunge into my purpose, take another 180 ml of warm golden oil with loud repetitions of om namah shivaya and the understanding that i am taking another step closer to liberation.

this also happens to be jan 1, 2013. a major puja is going on all day.

 major prasad too. look at that. rice, milk, jaggery, nuts, banana. honest to my highest self. i look at them, appreciate them, happy that i am in such a glorious puja and i am totally satisfied that i am bestowed a morsel of prasad. doctorji is right. that's how prasadam should be. every particle has absorbed the vibration of mantras and the nectar of devotion. more than worth its weight in gold.

meanwhile what about hwubby? he is super brave. on 6th day he took a full cup of 210 ml. he jokingly says, what are they going to do on 7th day? a second cup? well, no. turns out doctorji is really clever and compassionate. hwubby takes one look at the cup and says, this is a bigger cup. he looks down into the half empty cup and says, how much is this? doctorji, with a twinkle in his eyes, says, will tell you later. yeah. or else the mind will go, o me o my i don’t know if i can do 250 ml.

i must send a big bravo to hwubby. thru out snehapana he has not had any lox and bagel thought. as a matter of fact, we have been here for 3 weeks and he has not had craving for latte. i am not doing that bad either. for six days during snehapana i have had not food craving. until the last. guess what i am think obsessively about? congee. not plain white congee. i am talking about congee, chinese style. the whole host of ways that chinese do congee. chicken congee. fish congee. beef congee. squid congee. peanut congee. thousand year egg congee. nonetheless i have to applaud the power of having congee for 3 weeks. here i am talking about congee for breakfast, lunch and supper. and boiled veg. anyway, after three weeks of congee-fication even food thoughts are simpler, purer. hey, look at it this way. i’m not craving for double cheese burger or deep fried chicken or barbecue spare ribs. i consider this major progress. to arrive at this state of being is nothing to sneeze at. i mean, look at this. i would have gone to town with them not so long ago. but now i behold them with such light and lightness in me. really i taste the sweetness suffusing my being. i have a realization. this is why prasad is always sweet. it is an outer expression of the innermost self.

love potion # 6

photo by julie gammon

going thru major treatments like internal oleation is not a walk in the park, not for the faint-hearted. well, real and lasting love is not for the faint-hearted. no wonder the treatment of drinking oil is named SNEHAPANA. sneha, love. pana, drink. drinks of oil. drinks of love.

dr ramkumar says, the main treatment in panchakarma is equivalent to a major surgical procedure. seriously. it involves drawing toxin from all over the body into alimentary canal and then eliminating them. intense. just as one would experience physical discomforts in a surgical procedure, major treatment in panchakarma can involve such unpleasantness as well but they are all passing things if you follow thru with doctor’s instructions. doubt is the killer here. it gets in the way of the purification process.

a lady from moscow shares beautifully in daily satsang. she says, i was torturing doctor from day one, i compare what i had in other places, why am i not having 3 hr treatments, why is there not a lot of oil, i don’t have the pleasant feelings as i did in the other place, i want treatments like that. finally dr ramdas says, do you want good result or not? she says, yes. doctor says, then surrender. she says, what do you mean, surrender to you? doctor says, no, not surrender to me, surrender to yourself. good for her that she gets it. she stops comparing. by day six she begins to see results. that enhances her trust in the process. by the time she shares in the group she is beaming, looking light and bright.

what about my day six? last year i drank oil for 3 days. this year, 7. dr ramkumar says, is it easier this time? great question. i ponder for a moment and say, ‘deeper.’ by day 5 of drinking oil i begin to experience a piece of yogic knowledge that i have been hearing for two decades. it goes like this. as you intensify your meditation practice toxins that are lodged are loosened. they go into the circulatory system, ready to be dispelled. i have always thought that this is metaphorical. but, no. as my body is literally being saturated with oil all that hard-stuck toxin that are like hard-to-remove oven stains loosen up. since the cell walls are now more permeable because of the oil the toxins can be drawn out of the dark recesses into the alimentary canal, ready to be eliminated. it’s very physical. not just mental and emotional.

so what’s the experience like? from 5th day, really feel a lot of things floating around inside, negative thoughts, emotions but nothing sticks around long enough to gobble me up. suddenly it becomes so easy to see that there’s really nothing to worry or bother about, just things to take care of in the present. it becomes so natural to let go of expectations and outcome and just focus on the task at hand.

well, on day six of internal oleation the task at hand is to drink that cup of warm oil at 6 am. it happens to be Jan 1, 2013. i look into the golden oil. i ask doctor, ‘how many ml is this?’ not missing a beat, he says, ‘i’ll tell you later.’ if i had known there were 180 ml, could i have done it? i would but it would certainly create a little more mental hurdle. o, no, 180 ml. anyway, as it is i look at the beautiful oil and the thought that comes up is, OM NAMAH SHIVAYA. at the same time i see gurumayi’s beaming face. and that’s how i got it all down. with every gulp i say the mantra inside and hold my guru’s loving smile in attention.

by the way, two days later i received gurumayi’s 2013 new year message. mantra japa. what a moment of pure connection between my highest self and the guru within.

where am i? yes, back to love potion. drinking 180 ml of warm oil. what then? then...life becomes simple as can be outwardly. stay inside. sip hot water frequently. rest but not sleep. do burps smell oil? am i hungry?

what about inwardly? for one thing, heightened sensitivity, or shall i say, irritability. even doing japa, repeating mantra silently  with a mala is a lot of noise. at least that is from the perspective of hwubby. initially i feel ‘irritated’ when he says as much to me because, it’s like, how can that be noisy? but then i carefully recreate what i do and i see why. i place the mala on the thigh. some beads touch others. when i slip a bead through the thumb and mid-finger, there’s surely a sound produced by beads cling with one another. oy. yeah. now i feel his pain. do i feel hurt? yeah, a little, for a moment or two. but i also see that it is an old toxin, taking everything personal and blowing every petty thing into major drama. i am not saying having ear ache, belly ache, nausea are to be ignored. but the doctor is just a bell away. nothing is too trivial for them to examine and treat. everything is treatable if i pay attention to it soon enough. a couple of oil drops and wa-la, ear ache is gone. chew a tablet, pace around and nausea subsides. and so on and so forth. really. seriously. except for the truth that i am happiness, i am light, i am peaceful, all other thoughts are as fleeting as puffs of smoke. they don’t take away my self worth and they don’t add anything to my luminous self.

photos by nat

 may i continue to shed those dead skins in the year of golden snake. may those layers of ama that cover up all my lights dissolve and be dispelled. amen.

fortunate to have each other

the wonders and marvels of doing the practices with a group of dedicated, fun yogis are endless and always astonishing. we laugh hard and dive deep. as we pour ourselves into singing om i am immersed in this richly textured symphonic sound that ebb and flow in waves. they wash me over and over. sometimes i can discern a strand of resonance resembling my own voice. mostly it's a giant ball of resonance rocking my whole being. i feel my own vastness. it is enveloped in an ocean. the ocean is within my awareness. my awareness is aloft on the unwavering longing of my fellow yogis. as we enjoy the yummy mung sprout salad and a spread of yummy food that shivaa prepares i chew on the truth that how fortunate we are to have each other.

new year resolve. patience

i knew exactly what i really want to cultivate in this year when year end was approaching. patience. my guru says again and again, with patience you attain everything. yet, i dare say, this is the one thing that's been really dragging my feet in so many ways and i don't even recognize i am acting, thinking or speaking out of impatience until way after. i heard about patience of course. but when i was in twenties, patience sounded so...boring, dull, so...not exciting. well, equipped with spiritual awakening and eighteen years of spiritual practices i have come to have a whole new reverence and affection for patience. therefore i resolve this year to cultivate patience. i say to my inner self and the universal self, here i am, i am ready.

be careful of what i wish for. i might just get it. check this out. on the first day of new year my prayer is answered big time. i am presented with one opportunity after another just for that. here it's how the day goes. we are staying in sebastopol. i say, i want to go to torah study. hwubby says, sure, do you want to daven - praying in hebrew - with the rabbi? i say, of course. he says, sure. a little while later, he says, o, we'll leave at seven fifteen, we'll go to burlingame to pick up robin, she's in a retreat in the mercy center, we'll drop her off at the airport, the mercy center is just ten minutes from the airport. robin is a dear, dear friend and hwubby always wants to give a ride because he says, you know, you don't drive, many people give you ride, and that's a big help and comfort to me, so why don't i help someone when i can. it all sounds so sweet and wonderful that i think, suk wah, hold down your stingy, selfish self and keep your big, fat mouth shut.

the way it turns out, the morning goes like this. according to his plan we are supposed to leave by seven fifteen. by eight we start to load up the car and i don't want to count the amount of bags the bernsteins have when we go away for two nights. suffices to say he has brought a arts and crafts store along. once we are on the road we have to stop because we spot a bagel shop that is open on new year day morning. he says, i have to have my lox and bagel. fast forward. it's nine thirty. he is supposed to be at the mercy center at nine fifteen. we are, according to him, will be late, probably about half an hour. half an hour later. he calls the mercy center again and leaves a message for robin, saying that we'll be yet another ten to fifteen minutes late and if robin thinks she doesn't want to wait she should get a cab. in the end, that's what robin chooses to do. in hwubby's words, this is better because i don't want robin to get into a panic coming out of a silence retreat. all this while i focus attention and awareness on the sound and movement of the easy breath as much as i can.

a few hours later, at our house's front door. he can't find the house key. he says, i think i must have left it at the rabbi's house when i was repacking. i really want to ask him, why did you have to repack in the rabbi's house? i take a deep breath and zip the lips.

om namaah shivaaya. i have a full plate of spiritual work all set up.

i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the breath

i know, i know, i want to be a liberated yogi and the hallmark sign of a liberated yogi is not to get worked up about anything and definitely not to react to thoughts and emotions. but for now i just couldn't help it. here's why. this morning there is a hotel charge $165.93 showing up on the credit card. turns out this charge is in the process of being refunded and is takes several days to happen. then there are two charges, $7.95 each. some sort of services to get you onto the web in airports. but hwubby doesn't remember giving credit card info for such services on that date. my point is this. the investor insists on our credit balance showing zero before they would fund the mortgage loan. on one hand i have no problem with that. on another hand this is a corporation that received tens of billions of federal bailout money. so somehow my mind just can't reconcile the two and keeps churning out reaction after reaction, emotion after emotion. really, the corporation gets a huge bailout. it turns around and squeeze responsible borrowers like us. i have outstanding credit score. i have demonstrated that i have been paying all the bills on time. yet the investor wouldn't accept anything other than zero balance, not even after i paid off the almost six thousand dollars of statement balance and another two thousand dollars of current balance. that's a matter of principle? fine. but what the heck is all that bailout money about? wasn't that against the free market principle?

in the end, as i type, i paid off the $181.83. but the mental turbulence is still going strong. i have to keep my eye on the goal. getting the loan through. i guess i'll just have to keep returning awareness to the movement of the easy breath until the mental torrent runs out of momentum. om namah shivaya.

unintended benefit from meditation

i get a thrill every time i say this: it never ceases to amaze me how the inner self looks out for all things, from the lofty to the mundane. a flash from the inner self can be poetic or, in this case, financial. there i am meditating nicely, reveling in the strength and beauty of my easy lotus posture, afloat in the vast and open quiet that is sparkling with sweet clarity and...what do i hear? a number. a percentage. and i know immediately what it means. it points to a possibility to review a situation, that we thought irreversible, and a whole bunch of number crunching. om namah shivaya. it's so exciting. i feel the impulse to jump out of meditation and grab the calculator. i have to summon all my willpower and guide attention to the breathing movement. and i do. this is a great opportunity to practice staying in the present moment. also i need the meditation to really firm myself in the calm and focus of the inner self to take care of this ever-shifting situation properly.

on the note of ever-shifting situation, so much has happened in twenty-four hours. no, actually, in an instant. we are listening to this person giving us good advice. it all looks like we are doomed. do i panic? i ask myself as i listen to her. no. my inner being is quiet and calm and clear. that situation may be doomed but it doesn't diminish my inner self. i am still who i am. from that place and state a question comes up. i ask. the person responds. i ask a clarifying question. she responds. the back and forth keeps going in a steady and relaxed and pleasant manner. before we know it the veneer of inevitability cracks and the light of possibility shines through. we leave the meeting with a handful of possibilities. whoa. wow. if i was paralyzed like a deer caught in headlight i wouldn't have heard the question coming from the inner self. true that i meditate to be fully realized. but i also welcome the unintended benefit of being able to take care of worldly affairs in a way i couldn't have if i am disconnected from the inner self.

looking at depression

i can't say enough how fortunate i am to have such a great group of fellow yogis who are so into examining mental activity, looking at them as they are through the lens of the inner self. case in point. i say, when i was going through clinical depression i was getting psychotherapy and really upset that meditation couldn't take it away. then i heard a swami say 2 things. they go something like this. firstly mediation can remove depression, or any suffering for that matter, unless you hold onto it. secondly psychotherapy is useful when you are caught up in it, depression, whatever. it gives you some distance, helps you to separate from it, so that you are not being it. but the truth of the matter is this. the root cause of depression, once stripped of the specifics, is the longing to become connected, to love and be loved. and that can only be experienced in a meaningful and lasting way through perceiving the light of your own self within.

my fellow yogis listen intently. shivaa says, when i was diagnosed with parkinson's, i went into depression. one day i woke up, realized that this depression is a dark cloud. i have the choice to let it hang over me or turn away from me. this dark cloud is not me. so i turn away from it.

laura, who is not into yapping and yapping and when she says something it's always kind and insightful and sweet, says, yeah, we take this depression thing and claim it, thinking we are it, that's the mind, the ego. yeah. the ego tricking us through the mind.

this morning i awaken and experience this sense of watching suk wah, everything that go with it. i am watching suk wah being suk wah with enthusiasm. it's crystal clear that this 'i am' is what i really am. always watching. always with it. free and joyous. the source of all the great gems, courage, strength and so on and so forth. i am the self. the rest are just what need to be taken care of. no more. no less. love.

birthday celebration fit for saints

no sooner than i walk into shivaa's house she says, your husband called to remind us that it's your birthday, i said to him, we've been planning this. hwubby has been sprinkling his emails to mutual friends with such a gentle and not so subtle reminder and so in the last couple of days i have been looking at subject lines in the inbox wondering what they are about. here's the kick. usually i hit 'delete' if i couldn't recognize it. yet i feel a prompt from within to open it. so i do. i've been showered by blessings.

i digress.

anyhow i am fortunate up to my eyeballs. such sublime company i have. while navigating through heavy traffic to shivaa's house ruth and i have a spectacular back and forth about how to choose between 'pleasant' and 'beneficial.' really fun. really impactful because how i decide to spend time in the evening pretty much shapes whether i can get up to meditate.

the discussion continues over shivaa's sublime food after chanting vedic hymns and meditation. i have this experience that the sacred syllables are streaming out of me, that they are just part of who and what i am. the feeling of oneness is exquisite.

speaking about exquisite, shivaa's salad is exquisite beyond measure. fresh garbanzo beans. she shells them. each one is like a tender-jade-green bead. it looks alive and tastes alive. i bite into it and i say, after this it is going to be hard to go back to dried garbanzo. tossed with lettuces, fennel, parsley all from shivaa's garden, blood orange, ground brown cardamom and a sesame-orange dressing this is a sublime sumptuous satisfying creation. what about the soft-gold butternut squash soup? blended smooth in a base of shittake broth the full, earthy flavor is given a couple of lifts by fresh lime leaves, bay leaves and lemongrass. then there is shivaa's quac. quac is easy to make but it's not easy to make a really good one. shivaa's quac strikes a fine balance in terms of texture, taste and looks gorgeously green. then we clean the palate with fresh pineapple ripened at its peak.

i make a wheat-free, gluten-free brownie-cake. shivaa completes it with fresh whipped cream and raspberries. the best raspberries i have had in a long while. diana and i, both geminis, blow the candle together, on behalf of two other fellow geminis, neil and norm. we eat cake, laugh some more. i feel totally nourished. there's no place i'd rather be, no people i'd rather be with. except hwubby, of course.

i leave with a satisfied belly, a bag full of gifts and blessings from dear friends who happen to be great beings. my heart overflows with laughter and gratitude. now that i perceive the huge diamond of my inner self i see all these precious gems of great beings around me. lucky me indeed. this is birthday celebration fit for saints.

dreaming bhagavan nityananda

after humming aum 36 rounds i keep going. at some point my awareness plunges into a place where i lose the sense of time. it's deep, rich silence. when i emerge from it i feel the physical and mental agitation that had been around since the day before is gone. thank you, my inner self.

part of my dream last night goes like this. i'm facing this person who's been the trigger of much mental turmoil. in the dream i find my body and feet lift off the ground until i am like one of those superheroes in a horizontal, ready-to-fly position. i place my palms touching and index fingers pointing towards the forehead of this person. i start repeating om namah shivayya slowly and loud with all my heart and might. i see tremendous churning of yellow muddiness below this person's forehead. the crown of her head is transparent. through it i see bhagavan nityananda, my great-grand teacher. at first i think it is a picture or statue. after a couple of rounds of the mantra he comes alive, turns to look at me and bursts into a huge smile. it is a marvelous, auspicious feeling.

i've never chanted om namah shivayya like this. and to see and be seen by my beloved great-grand teacher in this intimate way is priceless. no wonder i wake up feeling light, cool and centered.

cousin. mouse. 41 m + 28 m

this meditation is for my cousin. she is starting a process to take care of a health situation. so, may healing lights be with her. may all the health care professionals involved in the treatments and procedures are imbued with healing lights. may all the medical instruments and surgical equipment radiate healing lights.

in fact, it is my cousin who asks me the question, what does this whole thing with the mouse teach you?

when did she ask that? let me think, o, yes, it was when we visited her on the way home from asilomar and she treated us to rice noodle. what did i have? pad thai and spicy coconut soup.