golden rule. shoes. abhyange

photo by nat

between shoes, golden rule and ayurveda treatment i’m making quite a leap, don’t you think?

okay, here it goes.

to cut a long story short, these walking shoes i got from the store, they are great for my bunions but they are sooooo expensive even on sale. $168 after 40% off. hwubby said, you walk so much better in them, it's worth it. o, have i mentioned that joanna, the mephisto consultant - yes, that's the title on her card - went thru several pairs and brands and then spot-breaking to get to this point. she worked hard. none felt right until this baby. i had no idea what the alphabets 'mbt' on the shoes meant. i thought that's some kind of mephisto. later on i found out that it's a brand on its own. mbt stands for masai barefoot technology. seriously. folks, they develop technology to try to replicate the experience of walking barefoot in paddyfield. okay, back to my shoe story. i hemmed and hawed. finally what cinched the deal was i could return them in 7 days. i thought i would definitely return them. i just couldn't see myself pouring out almost two hundred bucks for sneakers.

photo by nat

next day. i walked around in them inside house. well, i have to be honest with myself. it's refreshing to feel the feet securely and comfortably housed. also standing in these shoes the body naturally and gently rocks back and forth, kind of like aloft over hawaiian waves. still, the price tag gnawed at me. an inner msg came. online. so i did. sure enough midway down the first page of google search results there’s a site that caught my eye. fast forward a few more hits later i am in this online shoe store exclusively for mbt shoes. check this out. the style that i got from the store is half price here. wooohoooh, i am thrilled. immediately the i-love-bargain tendency took me over. ask hwubby. he would tell you, my darling wife loves to get something for a penny on the dollar. yes, i'm proud to call myself cheap. i love hand-me-down. way back when i was living in ashram, there was a room where donated items were placed. guess where i got all my garments. i call it vintage. now i have a generous and gorgeous sister-in-law who happens to be same size of mine, with fabulous taste, and periodically send me boxes of beautiful stuff. i call it heirloom.

where are we? right, shoes. hmmm, i shall return what i have and order online. the mind is totally sucked into this old tendency when all of a sudden i heard loud and clear two words. GOLDEN RULE. i tried to ignore it but it wouldn’t go away for good. it kept flashing big and bold on the mental screen. the stubbornly lodged tendency wouldn’t budge either. this is about a hundred dollars. why wouldn’t i want to spend 50% less to get the same thing. yet, something strange is happening within. i thought this would be a no brainer yet i experience this unease, queasy feeling. something is not totally clear. not yet. there is a real tug of war within. i know enough by now that i decide to let it sit a little bit instead of pushing ahead.

half a day later. as i do my daily abhyange, an ayurveda treatment that involves rubbing medicated oil over joints and body, i feel this squeeze in the heart. i rub a nice scoop of warm oil over the chest, feel better, and i remember something, something that happened years prior but the pain is fresh as ever. you see, i was in mortgage work at one point. i remember i worked hard, jumped thru fire hoops, to get a difficult loan through only to have the borrower walking away just before closing because they found a loan with lower interest rate online. technically they could do that. according to the industry practice none of the effort i put into mattered. yuck. i remember that ugly feeling vividly, as oil quietly permeate every pore of mine. i hate it now as much as i did then.

aaaah, wham. golden rule. don’t do unto others what you don’t want others to do to you. legally, technically i could return the shoes. but i would be treating people in the way i don’t want to be treated. i love a big saving but at the end of day this is about me walking the talk, living what i believe in.  as i contemplate this i realize something subtle has shifted. some veil is lifted. the mind, through which i think, speak and act has been cleansed in a deep way. the light of the heart is able to come through. i am able to discriminate, to see what truly matters is that i act from the place of the highest and most sacred self. that's the source of abundance.

so, now, how about i give a shout out to  abhyange. i truly believe that the treatment, prescribed according to my condition and performed authentically and diligently, contribute to diminishing the grip of such an old tendency on me, cleansing the lens thru which i perceive myself and the world. from that state i can see the connection between the teaching from an ancient sage and the situation at hand right now in 21st century.

photo by nat

there is more. it’s not that i didn’t have this realization before. i just didn’t act on it. it's not even that the old tendency comes back no more. far from it. the difference between then and this time is that i experience huge unease when i try to entertain the idea of returning the shoes. it’s a feeling of betrayal, turning my back on my own nature, my highest self. the force of highest self outweighs the opposing tug of old tendency. the pull is so strong that it becomes so easy to decide it’s smarter to yield to it. it's a physical sensation in the body, sickening, almost nauseous. emotionally i can't bear the horrific feeling if and when i return the shoes and say i get a better price online even though i wouldn't even know about this shoe without your expert service. the bottom line is this. the old tendency is no longer in the driver seat. my highest self is. once a patient, after much haggling with dr ramdas over her treatment plan, said, all right, i’ll surrender to you. dr ramdas said, no,  you are not surrendering to me, you are surrendering to your self.

dr ramdas showing me how to churn butter

i love money but, at the end of day, as dr ramkumar says, money is not the driving force. never. welcome, suk wah, to a deeper level of purification. amen.  

love potion # 6

photo by julie gammon

going thru major treatments like internal oleation is not a walk in the park, not for the faint-hearted. well, real and lasting love is not for the faint-hearted. no wonder the treatment of drinking oil is named SNEHAPANA. sneha, love. pana, drink. drinks of oil. drinks of love.

dr ramkumar says, the main treatment in panchakarma is equivalent to a major surgical procedure. seriously. it involves drawing toxin from all over the body into alimentary canal and then eliminating them. intense. just as one would experience physical discomforts in a surgical procedure, major treatment in panchakarma can involve such unpleasantness as well but they are all passing things if you follow thru with doctor’s instructions. doubt is the killer here. it gets in the way of the purification process.

a lady from moscow shares beautifully in daily satsang. she says, i was torturing doctor from day one, i compare what i had in other places, why am i not having 3 hr treatments, why is there not a lot of oil, i don’t have the pleasant feelings as i did in the other place, i want treatments like that. finally dr ramdas says, do you want good result or not? she says, yes. doctor says, then surrender. she says, what do you mean, surrender to you? doctor says, no, not surrender to me, surrender to yourself. good for her that she gets it. she stops comparing. by day six she begins to see results. that enhances her trust in the process. by the time she shares in the group she is beaming, looking light and bright.

what about my day six? last year i drank oil for 3 days. this year, 7. dr ramkumar says, is it easier this time? great question. i ponder for a moment and say, ‘deeper.’ by day 5 of drinking oil i begin to experience a piece of yogic knowledge that i have been hearing for two decades. it goes like this. as you intensify your meditation practice toxins that are lodged are loosened. they go into the circulatory system, ready to be dispelled. i have always thought that this is metaphorical. but, no. as my body is literally being saturated with oil all that hard-stuck toxin that are like hard-to-remove oven stains loosen up. since the cell walls are now more permeable because of the oil the toxins can be drawn out of the dark recesses into the alimentary canal, ready to be eliminated. it’s very physical. not just mental and emotional.

so what’s the experience like? from 5th day, really feel a lot of things floating around inside, negative thoughts, emotions but nothing sticks around long enough to gobble me up. suddenly it becomes so easy to see that there’s really nothing to worry or bother about, just things to take care of in the present. it becomes so natural to let go of expectations and outcome and just focus on the task at hand.

well, on day six of internal oleation the task at hand is to drink that cup of warm oil at 6 am. it happens to be Jan 1, 2013. i look into the golden oil. i ask doctor, ‘how many ml is this?’ not missing a beat, he says, ‘i’ll tell you later.’ if i had known there were 180 ml, could i have done it? i would but it would certainly create a little more mental hurdle. o, no, 180 ml. anyway, as it is i look at the beautiful oil and the thought that comes up is, OM NAMAH SHIVAYA. at the same time i see gurumayi’s beaming face. and that’s how i got it all down. with every gulp i say the mantra inside and hold my guru’s loving smile in attention.

by the way, two days later i received gurumayi’s 2013 new year message. mantra japa. what a moment of pure connection between my highest self and the guru within.

where am i? yes, back to love potion. drinking 180 ml of warm oil. what then? then...life becomes simple as can be outwardly. stay inside. sip hot water frequently. rest but not sleep. do burps smell oil? am i hungry?

what about inwardly? for one thing, heightened sensitivity, or shall i say, irritability. even doing japa, repeating mantra silently  with a mala is a lot of noise. at least that is from the perspective of hwubby. initially i feel ‘irritated’ when he says as much to me because, it’s like, how can that be noisy? but then i carefully recreate what i do and i see why. i place the mala on the thigh. some beads touch others. when i slip a bead through the thumb and mid-finger, there’s surely a sound produced by beads cling with one another. oy. yeah. now i feel his pain. do i feel hurt? yeah, a little, for a moment or two. but i also see that it is an old toxin, taking everything personal and blowing every petty thing into major drama. i am not saying having ear ache, belly ache, nausea are to be ignored. but the doctor is just a bell away. nothing is too trivial for them to examine and treat. everything is treatable if i pay attention to it soon enough. a couple of oil drops and wa-la, ear ache is gone. chew a tablet, pace around and nausea subsides. and so on and so forth. really. seriously. except for the truth that i am happiness, i am light, i am peaceful, all other thoughts are as fleeting as puffs of smoke. they don’t take away my self worth and they don’t add anything to my luminous self.

photos by nat

 may i continue to shed those dead skins in the year of golden snake. may those layers of ama that cover up all my lights dissolve and be dispelled. amen.

will never find another you

there i am meditating away. so sweet. so quiet. so easy. by the way i have been doing alternate nostril breathing before morning meditation. how come? since vaidyagrama. every morning dr ramdas would lead morning prayer and part of it is this pranayama. i love it. so i take it home with me. anyway, much as i love dr ramdas, and by the way, he is as much fun as he is a good doc, this is not about him. particularly not today. the point i am trying to get to is this. a tune begins to loop around in my inner world. actually it's the last verse of a song, a folk song i think. i watch it hop and swing on and on. what a sweet delight. it's still dancing in my being as i type this. here it goes.

if they gave me a fortune
my pleasure would be small
i would lose it all tomorrow
and never mind at all
but if i should lose your love, dear
i don'know what i'll do
for i know i'll never find another you,
another you, another you.

yes, you, hwubby. happy valentine.

my eyes drink ghee

 literally. here’s how it goes down. breena says, they’re going to give me eye treatment. i say, what about your eyes? by the way, breena and i are guru gita buddies here in vaidyagrama. one morning after prayer i am walking my way back to my room and what do i hear? some woman chanting guru gita. this is a 182-verse ancient hymn that is all about the nature of guru, how to attain the guru, what the benefits are and all that great stuff. for me chanting guru gita is taking a bath in holy waters. i love it. so you can imagine how ecstatic i am to find out that breena and i have the same guru and, yes o yes, she loves to chant guru gita as well. dr ramdas says, i want to learn guru gita. since then we have been doing it in some evening prayers. 

i am going off on the tangent. where am i? o yes, eyes drinking ghee. during one of those after food one-hundred-step walks with breena she mentions she has an eye condition and they are going to give her eye treatment. as she is talking it comes to me that maybe my eye fatigue can benefit from it too, especially since my right eye is so much more short-sighted than the left, so the left must have been in overdrive for a long period of time.

so there i am lying in the shades. a little wall of dough around each eye. dr ramdas carefully pours warm ghee into the ‘hole.’ i feel this luxurious warmth like a comforter draping deep into one eye, and then the other. now, keep in mind that he did say right from the get go, there’ll be some burning sensation. back to me lying there with warm ghee over my closed yes. i hear dr say, slowly blink. welcome to the real work, suk wah.

i’ve had the treatment thrice. the first time i could hardly open to anywhere more than a tiny slit and that’s with hwubby sitting by me and holding my hand and coaching me to take deep breaths. as i reflect on it i see two things. first. fear. but then there is also a practical aspect. the light is still too bright for the eyes. i pray that i won’t be gripped by fear. i’m determined to go through what i have come here for. healing. healing in the body and mind. what about spirit? spirit is pure and full, always. it’s the mind that gets ill-at-ease. of course there is also the physical karma component, the consequences of bad actions i did in past lives. 

anyway on the second day we do it in a darker room and i bring along sunglasses and a pair of black pants neatly folded. dr ramdas puts the sunglasses over my eyes. hwubby holds it above them. i exhale deeply and open eyelids. what do i see? a sea of shining, golden molten ghee with shards of blinding lights. it is rocky for a little while. the burning sensation when the eyes are open throw my breathing rhythm off. i say to myself, i am not giving up, i am sticking with this. then clear guidance comes to me, open when inhale long. i follow it like grabbing a lifeline. it works beautifully.

how about the third day? even easier. how do i feel? the eyes are calmer. in fact i am done with the fear. actually it’s more like i watch it subside and dissipate. i hear the eyes saying, we love this food, we need this food. 

i ask dr ramdas, how come both eyes get the same medicated ghee? he says, they know how much nourishment to take, which gets more, which gets less. indeed, the body is supremely intelligent. all it asks is for me to pay a little attention. if i don’t listen to its gentle promptings it’s gonna step up the volume, and that’s the road down diseases.

her father is god

is this place, vaidyagrama, an ayurveda hospital/ashram? or ashram/hospital? hard to tell where does one end and the other begins. every day six am a smiling, serene man brings medicine to the door. six fifteen bell rings ripple through the campus. the call to morning prayer and meditation. a full menu of spiritual medicine. indeed. let me count. a collection of vedic mantras. what else? the hymn thousand names of vishnu, one who sustains everyone and everything in the universe. more than one hundred verses. pranayama, breathing exercise. repeating the ganesh mantra 108 times. by the time i walk out of the hall, welcomed by the misty dawn lights i am so grateful that i have this body to sing praises to the one who has taken form of all the organs and systems that make up me.

this morning i walk into the hall and i see something that moves me extra, extra deeply. dr ramdas, the other medical director of vaidyagrama, is leading the prayer. check this out. his little daughter spreads over his lap, a natural crib, sound asleep. dr ramdas begins to chant. my heart instantly melts and soars all at once. his booming voice pulses a golden timbre. the vibrations are steeped in the sweetness and wisdom of knowledge which was seen by sages and seer thousands of years ago. his conviction in the path he has chosen and his resolve in following this timely and timeless tradition are loud and clear and infectious. it is pure nectar. pure truth is truly sweet.

at one point i look up from the text of thousand names of vishnu i see something marvelous to behold. the little girl clings to her father with all her tiny limbs and mind and soul as he sends out sacred sound in all directions dispensing sublime knowledge on how to live a pure life that is filled with joy and purpose. a bright realization appears in me. the man walks the talk. from this little girl’s eye she has no doubt that her father is a manifestation of god. 

this is what a father is ought to be. imagine how the child is being nourished to her core. imbibing vedic mantras while sleeping in her father’s lap. i recognize i am having an experience of thousand names of vishnu, the one who takes the shapes and forms of all. i feel so fortunate to be in the healing hands of such great souls. they have a grand dream and they roll up their sleeves and make it happen. the little girl is learning the life fundamentals by example.