oil bath. oil bliss. samosa. passover.

photo by nat

vaidyagrama is not a spa. i said this before, i say this again. doctorji would, patiently and kindly, say, goal of treatments is not to pamper on a superficial level. yet, there are times when i say to myself, this is as good as it gets when it comes to pampering. treatment in point is...drumroll please...pizhichil. that’s what it’s called in sanskrit.  i call this samosa treatment. turn and turn you in hot oil till you are cooked properly. got the picture? physically it’s oil bath. emotionally it’s oil bliss.  it’s oil heaven, i'm not kidding. come on, suk wah. what are you talking about?

here’s how it goes down.

picture this. 3000ml of very warm medicated sesame oil. 3 therapists. one therapist on left, another on right. they work in sync over the body parts in choreographed movements while abundantly and steadily streaming warm oil over the body part. third therapist collects oil draining from the neem treatment table, warm them up in a big pot over a burner, and keep supplying buckets of warm oil to the two therapists. it’s an elaborate and complex treatment. very hard work. a luxurious extravaganza. a treatment fit for queen.

how sublimely royal i feel as blankets of warm oil drape over feet. waves of relaxed feeling steadily swell up all the way to crown of head. i experience this resplendent empress shining brightly within me and that’s who i really am. all that layers that hold me back from living in that place are being washed off me. meanwhile oil sheets flow over and into everywhere, front and back - depending on whether i am lying on stomach or back or sides - permeating every pore. so calming. folks, there is a sky of difference between calm and spacing out. true calm implies alert, vigilant and focused. focusing on what? what else, where else but the present moment within the serene grounds in the midst of forest.

photo by nat

as viscous warm oil irrigate body parts i see the mind being pulled back from the usual frenetic thinking pace.  mental activity is restored to its natural pace....close to nil. only a silent hum, that is in sync with the natural breathing, remains. whatever thoughts, emotion appear they are weak. i see them form and dissolve, come and go. it is utterly evident that this is how my inner state ought to be, not the other way round. it’s like seeing with clean glasses. i realize i have been seeing myself and the world with foggy and smudgy lenses that are smeared with limitation and negativity. seeing now comes from an inner place that is quiet. still. serene. alert. clear. this is like the inner swiss clock that has been running a mile a sec is being returned to the easeful tick-tocking it ought to be doing.

photo by nat

as i type this i just came out of a full-immersion meditation retreat a few days prior. for 12 hours everyday we meditated and chanted om namah shivaya. this is something i do at least once a year or as often as ashram would have it. this time around it was so effortless to enter into deep and profound silence very soon after i sat into easy cross-legged posture. it became so easy, a given, something natural. i experience the teaching that says, meditation spontaneously happens. what’s even more amazing is that i am able to go thru worldly activity while carrying this state within me days after the retreat. it is still going strong. before i would see this precious state gradually weakening. in my heart of hearts i see the connection between this strengthening and the impact of having gone through seven days of ‘samosa treatment.’

look, there are two types of ama, aka toxins in body, one from improper metabolism of food, the other from...you guess right, mental ama, residuals of negative thoughts, feeling and emotion accumulated over a period of time, say, a decade, or, in my case, a few. i hear that the mind produces 20-30 thoughts per minute. that’s 30-50,000 per day. you do the math for a few decades. there is a chinese saying that goes like this. dripping water pierce rock.

since  i am writing this during passover, it comes to me what some rabbis say about the way pharaoh keep changing his mind about letting jewish people go. after changing his mind a few times torah says pharaoh’s mind is ‘hardened.’ to me, at this moment, it means to me the vibrations of his negative thoughts, speech and action became ama. they didn’t get eliminated. they snowballed,  ‘hardened’ the way he thought, spoke and acted. since i am a hassidic kind of girl, i like to read the passover story as my own story. all that negativity i had in the past don't just disappear. they stay, take root, and keep steering my body and mind away from optimal level. they gotta go. let my inner queen leave the bondage of negative vibes. let all that ama go.

photo by nat

my doctorji, dr harikrishnan, is a very grounded, head-on-the-shoulder fellow. i ask, what exactly does pizhichil do? he says, body has to be oiled before act of purification, you just came out of purgation so you need to be oiled before we perform another act of purification on you. in all my excitement i tell him all this wonderful feelings and experiences i have in the treatment. he listens intently, nods, and says in his ever even tone, ‘i see. you like it.’ well, ‘like’ is an understatement. if i were in a spa i would tick off, on the treatment menu, pizhichil and mark it big and bright, DAILY. unfortunately this is not a spa. panchakarma is equivalent to a major surgical procedure. just like surgery it has to be done in a hospital. pizhichil is a powerful treatment, part and parcel of panchakarma. just like surgery it has to be done in a hospital, as prescribed by doctor. o, well, i take this as another opportunity to cultivate letting go of wanting what i like and embracing what i need. good news is, here, what i need is  no different from what i like. om namah shivaya. cool.

panchakarma sets new baseline

photo by nat

hwubby has this one line response when people ask him, what does panchakarma do for you? he says, panchakarma sets a new baseline for how healthy and well i can be. so, simple. i like it, i hear the ring of truth in it but i don't really get what it means for me. now i do. here's what happened. for last two days i was in a full-immersion meditation retreat in ashram. by the way while i was meditating 7 hrs a day and chanting om namah shivaya several more hwubby was in stockton having a grand time in a glorious music festival. i was invited as well. it was a wonderful and tantalizing event but my heart just can't say no to  being able to meditate in deep silence with fellow meditators, drink and eat and breathe the sound of om namah shivaya. never ceases to amaze me that i would have such an unconditionally supportive hwubby. om namah shivaya indeed.

anyway, what am i supposed to be talking about? right, panchakarma, new baseline. from the get go let me pat myself on the back by saying i do have a pretty strong meditation practice. i thought i was doing really well, having all this marvelous connection with my innermost and highest self, fantastic insights, beautiful visions and so on and so forth. but, wow, my experiences in these last two days have been like, looking at  wall-to-wall high def screen....no, better yet, retina display, no pixel can be detected whatsoever, after watching a good quality one for a long time. it was excellent before but now it is off the charts clear, vibrant. another metaphor is this. looking into golden gate bridge from east bay after a huge storm when the air is squeaky clean, dust free. and, believe me, i had a few 'sky is so clear that i can see forever' moments before.

i can say that i was basking pretty much in this abundant state of consciousness the entire two days.  the truly stunning thing is it feels so natural, so easy, that i am really surprised that i didn't feel this way before, like, how did i live before this. i can truly see through inner eye that the qualities such as joy, courage, strength, steadfastness and many more are not stuff that i have to look for outside of me. there is this greatness shining inside me, this cosmic mansion that is bright as a thousand suns glowing in my center. like cloud activity that is constant in the sky, mental activity brewing from deep-seated tendencies come and go, form and dissolve. but they are not me. i am that cosmic mansion that is always shining. boundless. untouched. unchanged. i am within that and that is within me.

photo by nat

i have no idea how panchakarma works to help get me to this place but i can say for sure it has somehow dissolved that deep-seated tendency to worry. well, i shouldn't say that so soon but the tendency to worry has definitely much, much weakened, so much so that i can relatively effortlessly choose not to let it get in the driver seat of my thoughts, speech and emotions. now, for me, that is true freedom. it's like wonder oil has cleansed the lens of worry-dust through which i perceive the world.

in another few hours it will be time to commemorate passover, when the jewish people were led out of the narrow land through divine guidance. welcome to pesach, suk wah. it's time to move out of narrow consciousness for good. worrying is not what i am made of. believing otherwise is ignorance. and somehow the ancient sages in their profound meditation they saw that. what's even more astonishing is that they could see that panchakarma, with all that oil drinking, could play a role in dissolving this malignant tumor. this is why ayurveda text says the true goal of panchakarma is moksha, liberation.

(TOOK A PAUSE TO MAKE VEG FOR 50+ PEOPLE TONIGHT.)

photo by nat

as i was preparing food for tonight's seder i remember a recurring image that came to me in meditation in the last two days. it goes like this. i am looking out from a moving car's window. place is new york city. fifth avenue? well, wherever fendi the store is. for my friends in india, fendi is this long-time institution in italy this is widely regarded as among the top best in designing and making fur. anyway one garment in the display window absolutely catches my eye. i see it in meditations no less clear than i saw it then. a snow white, beautifully made hoodie. i love a nice hoodie, especially a nice and white one like that. this one has a special elegance that is beyond words. it is then that it dawns on me that this one is made of mink. a white mink hoodie. now that's what i call truly quietly expensive. what was i thinking at that moment? it goes like this. no, i couldn't afford that and even if i could it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a hoodie. what am i thinking when i see it in meditations? firstly, i don't need another hoodie. secondly, i see that those thoughts came from poverty consciousness that foments unworthiness, worry and their relatives. once i get this i look at this object with a new eye. i appreciate its beauty, craftsmanship and boldness. i have a strong sense that i already own it.

so, let me say it and say it again with a delightful yiddish flavor. let me get my tuchas out of mitzrayim already. dayenu. dayenu. may it be so.

photo by nat

    

no crispy noodle, not chinese food

since pastrami to me is different from pastrami to hwubby it stirs me to recall something fascinating and funny. the first time we took my father-in-law, may he rest in peace, to chinese food, he kindly says, suk wah, we love chinese food, you order. so i do. when food begin to arrive my father-in-law says, where's crispy noodle? keep in mind i take the jewish family to a chinese restaurant where no fortune cookies are served unless you specifically ask for it and when hwubby does, the first time we were there, i swear - and hwubby assures me i am just paranoid - i see the owner/maitre'd, mrs chow, roll her eyes ever so subtly as she turns towards me and say, in cantonese, we don't have crispy noodle here. anyway after a little bit of explaining, mrs chow, the owner, totally gets it. it is the daughter-in-law's sacred duty to please the father-in-law. so in no time a big plate of fresh, crispy noodle miraculously appear in front of my father-in-law. he beams and says to mrs chow, i want mongolian beef. i pray quietly, please do not order lobster in black bean sauce, or else mrs chow will tease me the rest of my life. i recall hwubby tell me several times that this is one of their top fave when they go for chinese food. my prayer is answered. and, listen to this, i don't have to ask for fortune cookies. without them i don't think my american family think they have had chinese food.



o yes, here's another good one. over a passover meal a distinguished jew shares this, we travel in china, they bring us food, we look at them and we say, this is not chinese food. well, i'm so glad there is my pastrami moment and here are crispy noodle, fortune cookie, mongolian beef and lobster in black bean sauce times. all are fantastic. i realize they show beautifully that beyond these flavorful and yummy diversity we share fundamental commonalities. we love having great food with family and friends. aren't we one or what?!

ginger matzo ball. chow mein sandwich. tzadik.

just when i think we are not going to have a passover meal this year because we are wandering jew-neses, meaning we are traveling, things take a turn. we end up having spectacular passover food. and in the home of a tzadik, no less. why do i say joe, our host, is a tzadik? listen to this. he put up an ad to hire a dental assistant. a retired serviceman responded. the guy's training and experience was helping military doctors in the army. joe let him observe for a week. the guy said, i can do it, i want the job. joe said, how much do you want for salary. the guy gave a number. joe said, i can't do that, it's too little, you can't raise a family on that. the guy ended up working for joe for twenty-seven years. i can't take my eyes off joe as he is telling me and hwubby this. his face shines like the sun. his eyes sparkle like stars. he may be seventy-five years of age but there is this youthful vigor radiating from him. he teaches graduate students. he says, with a beaming smile, i love getting up in the morning and working with young people. joe is absolutely one of those people who says humbly and sweetly, i am not spiritual, while evidently living a righteous and full life. he walks the talk. he doesn't talk it. the rabbi says, the almighty does not require good intentions, the deed is what counts, it is what you do that matters.

now back to sue, his wife's, marvelous food. and let me not forget her friend of forty years. what's her name? i don't remember but her ginger matzo balls are forever imprinted in my consciousness. they are so good that this is all i can think of when i try to recall her name. oy, suk wah. as hwubby says, suk wah is all crazy around good food. anyhow, anyhoo, this is a lady who says with a relaxed smile, i did a small seder this year, thirty people. how many matzo balls did she make? six hundred. her mother used to make fourteen hundred just like that. how come german version of matzo ball has ginger? beats me. but it sure tastes fantastic. really kicks up that ball to lofty heights.

i am kind of dubious when i hear that there are bing cherries in the chicken. but a taste crushes my limiting thought. turns out the cherries suffuse the right balance of acid and sugar intoto the browned and red-wined baked chicken thighs and drumsticks. the sauce goes wonderfully with potato kugel. i prefer this way more than a tomato-based sauce. bright and vibrant roasted veggies complement the rich dishes perfectly. yin and yang are in balance. i almost can't stop myself from having more chicken but then i look at the sumptuously seasoned stuffed cabbage and i think to myself, why don't i have another piece of this, it's not everyday you get to have stuffed cabbage as yummm as this. besides i have to leave room for dessert. three macaroon cookies i have. fluffy and light as cloud. melts on tongue.

as i am totally preoccupied with eating tasty info fly around the dinner table. chow mein sandwich. chow mein burger. apparently the way to do it is 'chow mein without noodle.' upon first hearing my mind says, this doesn't make sense, mein is the chinese word for noodle. very quickly it makes total sense to me. take away the noodle the sandwich, or burger, is filled with stir-fried veggies and sliced meat. of course they make de-liish sandwich toppings.

i don't know if i get out of mitzrayim after a meal like this but i surely am more steeped in abundance consciousness.

ignorance is mitzrayim

hwubby and i are really having fun with this mitzrayim. to us it is no longer just a place, a physical location. rather it is everything that get our mind into that narrow, limiting, enslaving place and make us behave less than who we really are. and i mean, everything. for instance, i sent out friending requests to these two people and, somehow, this thought pops us. they will accept in no time. well, three days later. nothing. so i hear this thought come up. they don't want to be fb friends with me. and another thought. they don't like me. and more thoughts. they only want something from me, now they've got it, they don't want to hear from me anymore. blah blah blah. i tell hwubby all this. he has a good laugh. i start laughing too. come on, suk wah. having more friends don't add extra to your innermost self which is ever full anyway. having less friends, or even no friends, don't take away any of your innermost self which is ever full anyway. i say to hwubby, are you my friend? hwubby says, okay, okay, you are my friend. i am so happy. i take his cane. he is on his walker. the two of us start to get, i mean, dance, out of mitzrayim one step at a time.

get outta mitzrayim.

what is the essence of passover? why is something ancient relevant to me right now? once i find out the layers of meaning of the hebrew word, mitzrayim that is translated into egypt my love for passover has never looked back. really. check this out. a narrow place. narrow consciousness. where you are stuck in slave consciousness. hear this insight. you can take a slave out of egypt but you can't take the egypt out of him/her. i examine my own journey. so true. i have these fantastic experiences of who i am, courage, strength, joy, all that good stuff and so much more. yet, time and time again, because of limiting thoughts and feelings and emotions based in poverty consciousness which is none other than slave consciousness i behave like a lacking person who depends on others' mercy. and so i have to wander in the wilderness, build up that inner strength and clarity. after all, in the desert what else is there to see outside. not much. between the cosmos and sand i look within and, behold, i see what i am. i taste manna, throbs of sweet peace, waves of steady strength pulsing through my entire being. the hunger and thirst in body and soul are satisfied. so i say it again and again to myself, pass over mitzrayim, get outta mitzrayim. may it be so.

inner pharaoh

pharaohs are like all things in the physical universe. they come. they go. one down. another one up. the only pharoah that i can really have a rein on is my inner pharaoh. really. all that which keep me in poverty consciousness are stuff of a pharaoh's doing. last night after hwubby and i have a discussion about what is our inner pharaoh i go to bed feeling this sense of a hard layer gradually shielding the heart region. i watch it. i don't pin it onto any specific thing. mostly it is a pervading sense of sadness, sorrow, melancholy. what causes it? really. it can be anything. one thing is as good as the other. there's always some reason to make worrying and fear seem real and justifiable. early on a wise yogi says to me, the problem is not the problem, it's your problem with the problem that is the problem. this morning i wake up and find my awareness in this vast, quiet, still space that is throbbing subtly with vibrancy. the natural breath is flowing in and out with ease. i lie there. i see this hardness around the heart is still around but now i look at it with a fresh eye. insights appear like silk being drawn from cocoon. on one hand they make sense of this hardness. on another hand they, along with the hardness, come and go as well. none of it, good or bad, sad or pleasurable, is who i really am. the body comes and goes. thoughts, feelings come and go. it is my innermost self that is the single constant through all this. it is independent of anything in the physical universe. it is watching all this and all this and all this come and go. i am enslaved to nothing and no one. anything that makes me feel less than that is the voice of the pharaoh.

my prayer on passover as an israelite.

i totally consider myself an israelite, someone who wrestles with god.

thank you, my dear yhvh, for getting me out of egypt, mitzrayim, a narrow place. now may i be granted the courage and clarity to get the inner egypt, a narrow consciousness, out of me. i want to have the kind of unwavering faith that abraham and moses possessed. i want my inner world to be free of the bondage of fear, anger, greed, foolishness. slave to tendencies no more. i want to see the force of healing and transformation flow through me unobstructed, no holding back. i want to be able to see that same power in everyone, everywhere. amen.