love potion # 7

what do i eat during snehapana besides oil? firstly, oil here is considered medicine. as far as food goes. if and when all the oil has been digested, which is probably late afternoon to early evening, i get to have  thin congee and broth. it sounds terrible. but once the oil is in me all i focus on is frequently sip hot water and pay attention to burps. do they smell oil? o, yes, and also, do i feel hungry? i mean, literally, do i feel thunder in stomach?

last year, in my first round of panchakarma i drank oil for 3 days. this year i am upgraded. to 7 days. a sure sign that this is digging into deeper stuff. honestly on the eve before the final day i saw doubts flickering in the back of mind. i am not sure if i could do this another day. this afternoon i walked into the treatment room for a short massage and, boom, i was nauseous just from the oil particles floating in the air. it doesn’t help that i feel belly ache, ear ache, dizzy. at 8 pm hwubby took charge and beeped doctorji. dr harikrishnan came right over, literally in moments. after all his room is just a walkway from ours. by the way according to ayurveda text the relationship between doctor and patient is like father and son? what does that mean? well, father and son live under one roof. here in vaidyagrama they want authentic text so  the doctors live with their patients. this is practically a home hospital. and i have to say i am deeply moved by the way the doctors here are dedicated to provide authentic ayurveda care, to the point they either move their families to vaidyagrama or visit. the way the doctors live is what they teach us. live simply. live well. live healthy. live happy. they truly walk the talk. their strong and pure intention infuse the treatments and meds with that much more potency.

anyway back to the night before oil drinking day 7. doctorji examines and treats me. the truth is, having him by bedside, tapping up and down the belly, feeling his kind and caring presence already makes me feel better. i ask the burning question as i chew the tablets he gives me, doctorji, do you think i can make it? he says, do you want to? wow. his question reveals the light in my heart. i realize i am the one who have to take responsibility for my health. as dr ramkumar again and again says loud and clear, doctors are not healers, they are catalysts to help you to heal. if i do want to be truly healthy i have to put in some effort. there is this source of strength and courage and happiness within. the reason i am here for round two is to access that place and reclaim ownership of it. answering doctorji’s question i say, yes, i want to, i do. indeed, this is why i am here, therefore keep my eye on the purpose. the rest are just situations to take care of.

and so i surrender to the highest self, plunge into my purpose, take another 180 ml of warm golden oil with loud repetitions of om namah shivaya and the understanding that i am taking another step closer to liberation.

this also happens to be jan 1, 2013. a major puja is going on all day.

 major prasad too. look at that. rice, milk, jaggery, nuts, banana. honest to my highest self. i look at them, appreciate them, happy that i am in such a glorious puja and i am totally satisfied that i am bestowed a morsel of prasad. doctorji is right. that's how prasadam should be. every particle has absorbed the vibration of mantras and the nectar of devotion. more than worth its weight in gold.

meanwhile what about hwubby? he is super brave. on 6th day he took a full cup of 210 ml. he jokingly says, what are they going to do on 7th day? a second cup? well, no. turns out doctorji is really clever and compassionate. hwubby takes one look at the cup and says, this is a bigger cup. he looks down into the half empty cup and says, how much is this? doctorji, with a twinkle in his eyes, says, will tell you later. yeah. or else the mind will go, o me o my i don’t know if i can do 250 ml.

i must send a big bravo to hwubby. thru out snehapana he has not had any lox and bagel thought. as a matter of fact, we have been here for 3 weeks and he has not had craving for latte. i am not doing that bad either. for six days during snehapana i have had not food craving. until the last. guess what i am think obsessively about? congee. not plain white congee. i am talking about congee, chinese style. the whole host of ways that chinese do congee. chicken congee. fish congee. beef congee. squid congee. peanut congee. thousand year egg congee. nonetheless i have to applaud the power of having congee for 3 weeks. here i am talking about congee for breakfast, lunch and supper. and boiled veg. anyway, after three weeks of congee-fication even food thoughts are simpler, purer. hey, look at it this way. i’m not craving for double cheese burger or deep fried chicken or barbecue spare ribs. i consider this major progress. to arrive at this state of being is nothing to sneeze at. i mean, look at this. i would have gone to town with them not so long ago. but now i behold them with such light and lightness in me. really i taste the sweetness suffusing my being. i have a realization. this is why prasad is always sweet. it is an outer expression of the innermost self.

an auspicious, joyous happy birthday

what do i feel on the birthday of someone who gives me the experience of my own true nature, shows me how to know it, live it? i feel so happy, so fortunate. she wants the highest for me and nothing from me. well, not exactly. she does want something from me. all that restrain me from becoming and being who i really am. a full and unique expression of the innermost self which is no different from the universal self that creates this ever evolving physical universe.

grateful seekers offer birthday gifts. fruits, jewelries. beautiful things. valuable things. she receive them all with equal thankfulness. in another instant she freely gives them all away. she loves me unconditionally. no strings attached. no attachment either. all she wants is for me to be this happy, strong, courageous and generous person.

one time, over chai, i lament, how can i please my guru? a thoughtful yogi and dear friend and amazing nurse says, do the practices, live the teachings, that's how you please your guru. and so on this auspicious day, joyous day i wish happy birthday to my guru who lives in my pure awareness. she loves me. i love her. this love is pure. this love is divine. it is this love that connects us forever. in the present moment.

inner pharaoh

pharaohs are like all things in the physical universe. they come. they go. one down. another one up. the only pharoah that i can really have a rein on is my inner pharaoh. really. all that which keep me in poverty consciousness are stuff of a pharaoh's doing. last night after hwubby and i have a discussion about what is our inner pharaoh i go to bed feeling this sense of a hard layer gradually shielding the heart region. i watch it. i don't pin it onto any specific thing. mostly it is a pervading sense of sadness, sorrow, melancholy. what causes it? really. it can be anything. one thing is as good as the other. there's always some reason to make worrying and fear seem real and justifiable. early on a wise yogi says to me, the problem is not the problem, it's your problem with the problem that is the problem. this morning i wake up and find my awareness in this vast, quiet, still space that is throbbing subtly with vibrancy. the natural breath is flowing in and out with ease. i lie there. i see this hardness around the heart is still around but now i look at it with a fresh eye. insights appear like silk being drawn from cocoon. on one hand they make sense of this hardness. on another hand they, along with the hardness, come and go as well. none of it, good or bad, sad or pleasurable, is who i really am. the body comes and goes. thoughts, feelings come and go. it is my innermost self that is the single constant through all this. it is independent of anything in the physical universe. it is watching all this and all this and all this come and go. i am enslaved to nothing and no one. anything that makes me feel less than that is the voice of the pharaoh.

i listen. i show up.

there i am preparing for a meeting with my editor and i get this recurring inner message. be there earlier. the first couple of times i dismiss it as a tendril of worrying. really. i am making sure i will be on time. at the time when we made the appointment time she made clear that she had a lot of phone calls to make before seeing me. so i am ready to disregard this prompting as just a recurring thought. but it keeps returning. stronger and stronger. not a shouting voice. no snowballing, i mean, i don't see the mind get caught up in reacting thoughts like if i don't go there earlier this and that would happen or not happen. here's what i finally decide. i'll go into her neighborhood half an hour earlier and take a swirl through a favorite grocery store and see how i feel at that point. so i do. i even get a cup of coffee and sip as slow as i can. but this thought is relentless. it steps up intensity. so i think to myself. okay, what the heck, i'll be outside her house a few minutes earlier. check this out. when i am a couple of houses from my editor's i see these two women getting into a car. i immediately recognize the one getting on the passenger's side is my editor. the first thought i have is this. she has forgotten my appointment. i wave and pace up at the same time. it turns out that a friend is taking my editor to the hospital. it's an emergency. the bottom line is this. if i didn't show up a few minutes earlier i would have been left on the doorstep. i would have been waiting and waiting and outraged. instead i show up and offer her healing blessings. thank you, my innermost and highest self.

body is in space and space is in body.

who knew?! yogic realization while doing finances. of course. why not. here's how it goes down. there i am working on the p and l and, in a quiet manner, i notice a deepening in my outbreaths. my awareness is in this huge subtle space while i am aware of the contours of the body. a question arises. is this subtle space in my body? or the body inside the space? in a mystical way this question illuminates something that has been sort of frustrating me for a long while, like, years. i have been attempting over and over to meditate on the space between breaths. breathe in. notice where breath arises. breathe out. notice where the breath dissolves into. after a little while i always gets confused. am i doing the right thing? i seem to have lost track of where the breath arises and where it dissolves into. is the former outside of me? is the latter inside me? and so it all makes me feel i am sort of not getting anywhere, not 'getting it.' back to where i am, preparing a spreadsheet of financial data, and i clearly see that there is only one space. the body as a barrier is just a limiting thought. turning away from that thought, what am i left with? the understanding that this subtle space is within the body and the body is within the subtle space. this is such a paradox that no wonder the mind has trouble wrapping it around.

now i can return to the spreadsheet. thank you, my own innermost self, for the illumination.

spiritual experience through a beautiful bargain

i go to nordstrom rack for rain boots and i get a super-duper bargain thrill. here's how it goes down. i try this and that. i can't decide whether size seven is right or size eight is the right one, given the difference between thick socks and thicker socks and thin socks. oy. so i get both. i walk around in the hotel room with my socks and/or hwubby's socks. in the end i discover i don't quite the color so much. with hwubby's encouragement i decide to return them both. i brave myself through the unseasonable snow, walk through the door, go up to the customer service counter, only to realize i don't have the receipt. the guy is so nice. he takes a glance at my wallet and says, did you use this credit card? well, i only have one credit card. so he takes care of it. i'm already a happy person when he points to my guru's picture in the wallet, is this you? i almost say, i wish, before i chuckle and say, it's my meditation teacher. now i feel i want to take a look around. i immediately get the message. clearance. so i take a bee line, head straight to the clearance racks. guess what i find? eileen fisher slacks at seventy-five percent off the last marked price. i like their things. they have nice cuts and fabrics but they are so expensive. initially i think this is not going to work because it is extra small. i try it anyway. hey. it works beautifully. i walk out of the store, filled with this triumphant feeling that i get this great thing at less than one tenth of the marked price. in yoga terms i would say this. a desire is satisfied. the mind goes quiet. in the brief while before the next desire or mental ripple arises, the light of the innermost self shines forth. the sublime feeling i experience is not because of the pants though it is beautiful and beautifully priced. i feel this sublime contentment because this is my own true nature, unobstructed by mental chatter.