nectar figs from kitchen water

check this out. my figs. no, not photoshopped. the real thing. big as my palm. HUGE.

welcome to fig harvest in my backyard.

here's the story. hwubby knows fig is my top fave fruit. fresh, not dried.

by the way i never even saw a fresh fig before i came to california. chinese make deliiish soup with dried figs. i am still awestruck when i touch a fresh, succulent fig.

so hwubby planted a mini fig tree. why mini? he said, so it's easy for you to pick. he is sweet, eh!

it took several years for the tree to take root and grow before beginning to bear fruit. it's so worth the wait. the tree is tiny but not the fruits.

being aware that california is in drought i have been watering it with....tah dah.... grey water. the tree is not directly outside kichen. i have to go thru mud room, out the back door, and down back porch stairs. so i collect grey water in a small plastic.

to be honest, it's not much. a few tub-ful-s a day at best, but, look at the amazing outcome.

heavenly nectar they are. two of them are equivalent to a basket of them from the store.

as i munch on them i am filled with amazement. such miracle. abundance. there're so much going on in all this. i don't understand any of it.

this much i know though. nature is surely, truly, super intelligent.

one, two, three, four, five, six,..huge, great good yummy fortunes beckon me so long as i keep putting forth my small, sweet effort. it's fine that i don't know the mechanism of how figs extract essence from grey water. i still get to enjoy the nectar in its fullness.

inner pharaoh

pharaohs are like all things in the physical universe. they come. they go. one down. another one up. the only pharoah that i can really have a rein on is my inner pharaoh. really. all that which keep me in poverty consciousness are stuff of a pharaoh's doing. last night after hwubby and i have a discussion about what is our inner pharaoh i go to bed feeling this sense of a hard layer gradually shielding the heart region. i watch it. i don't pin it onto any specific thing. mostly it is a pervading sense of sadness, sorrow, melancholy. what causes it? really. it can be anything. one thing is as good as the other. there's always some reason to make worrying and fear seem real and justifiable. early on a wise yogi says to me, the problem is not the problem, it's your problem with the problem that is the problem. this morning i wake up and find my awareness in this vast, quiet, still space that is throbbing subtly with vibrancy. the natural breath is flowing in and out with ease. i lie there. i see this hardness around the heart is still around but now i look at it with a fresh eye. insights appear like silk being drawn from cocoon. on one hand they make sense of this hardness. on another hand they, along with the hardness, come and go as well. none of it, good or bad, sad or pleasurable, is who i really am. the body comes and goes. thoughts, feelings come and go. it is my innermost self that is the single constant through all this. it is independent of anything in the physical universe. it is watching all this and all this and all this come and go. i am enslaved to nothing and no one. anything that makes me feel less than that is the voice of the pharaoh.

choose that which takes you closer to god

is this a message from the inner self? or not? this is the question. as my meditation practice is getting stronger and stabler, little by little, over time, the difference between the choices becomes more and more subtle. not utterly black and white, but rather in a gray zone of various hues. hwubby and i made a decision a couple of days ago. it has consequences that ripple out in all areas of our life. even though we had been doing due diligence, keeping our vigilance and clarity in check in the course leading up to our decision i soon see doubt appear. what if...maybe i should have done this...may be i shouldn't have done that...am i doing the right thing...blah blah blah. in the moment all these thoughts and feelings are real as can be. and as i reflect on it i don't think i was aware of my breath throughout these mental grips. as the agony came to a peak an insight bursts forth. see what happens when you wake up. i get it right away. between sleeping and waking states is this zone that is sort of like deep outer space. with eyes closed i am in this vast place that is quiet, still, crystal clear and suffused with a throb that is subtle and vibrant all at once. here i can see what i cannot see when there are all kinds of thoughts and mental activity clamoring my attention. so, fast forward to the next morning. i am in that space. i look into it. none of those thoughts and feelings that were hammering me the previous day is around. aaah. so they have dissipated. all that i experience is a sense of deep peace and contentment. i glide into it further. and i hear this. the decision is neither good nor bad. it is what it is. now move on. with that i see possibilities open up in all directions as a result of this decision. now i can explore them. isn't that great. then i recall this teaching. choose that which takes you closer to god. if they are pretty much the same in this way, do what's practical.

we are a guac black hole

six of us doing the practices together. sweet and intimate. we chant rudram with our guru on dvd. i have no doubt she is with us right here in shivaa's divine abode and we have her all to ourselves. i feel that much closer to god, that much closer to my own true nature, my innermost self, the source of all that i am. as i glide into meditation on the wave of resonance from our singing om this steady throb pulses through my entire being. the scents of shivaa's blooming roses quietly infuse through the windows and dusk lights and permeate my awareness.

we emerge from all this with a bottomless appetite for food. shivaa says, i made this guac with five huge avocados. and? we wipe it all out to the last drop. we are surely a guac black hole. i, for one, have two big bowls of shivaa's spring soup. tender fava beans in a shittake broth enriched by coconut milk. slivers of a variety of mushrooms float together with bits of carrots and red pepper flakes. a hint of ginger gives it an extra subtle buzz. for salad shivaa does this spring number. cole slaw with mint. lorraine is the first one who raves about it. i take a bite and my jaw drops. a brilliant move.

stomach satisfied and mind quiet i hitch a ride home with shrileka continuing with our spiritual catching up. as far as i am concerned that is the real dessert. insights and understandings arising from us examining and reflecting our experiences sweeten our perceptions as we take care of all kinds of life challenges. we realize more and more all this is grace. all this is grace. and all this is grace. as a seasoned yogi says about hwubby's taxi hit, a boon in disguise. now, ain't that sweet.

even good insights can take me away from being with the self

it never ceases to amaze me what i can see that i didn't see before when the mind is immersed in the quiet and clarity of the inner self. case in point. a while back i received the response regarding a proposal i made. it was a 'no.' since then i moved on.

so there i am meditating away in robust, dynamic contentment, my awareness aloft in the divine humming flowing through the easy breath and, voom, i see it. i see where that 'no' was coming from. it was a justifiable 'no' given the circumstances at that point in time. but between then and now things have changed. and so, if needs be, i can go back to the person and ask for reconsideration.

then the real challenge rears its head. i can feel excitement roar and thunder. along with it agitation and restlessness in the body and mind, like, i can't wait to write this all down, tell hwubby all about it, and so on and so forth. all pushing the mind to keep going with more thoughts and feelings. very tempting indeed. it is in such a moment that i really appreciate the cumulative efforts i've been putting in to anchor my awareness in the true purpose of meditation. to be with the inner self. no more. no less. having insights that guide me in worldly affairs is fine but i have to keep my eye on the ball. or else even good and helpful insights can, in the end, take me away from the real goal. to realize i am the inner self. no more. no less.

there is just one life

once a fabulous monk says, on one hand you can meditate for a few minutes and that's fine and great. on another hand i find that when i sit for an hour, 45 minutes are for settling in and quieting down before i can go into a deeper state.

i never get what she means. today i have an experience of that. after almost an hour i realize i'm so comfortable in my easy lotus posture and easy, steady breath that i can effortlessly keep sitting. meanwhile this deep, substantive serenity permeates my awareness. every now and then i see an insight which, in a subtle way, illuminates something i couldn't see before. quietly jot a keyword down and i return to meditation. by the time i'm ready to come out of meditation i feel cool, clear and confident. the necessary tasks of the day are also mapped out. indeed there is not this life and that life. there is just one life. when i am anchored in the inner self my whole life flows properly.

smoking and breathing. 45 m + 29 m

what comes to me when i notice my breath is really lengthening and strengthening, and i just love it? one word. smoking.

i know exactly what it means to me.

i never smoked even when i was around talented, terrific chain-smokers all the time for many years. in fact, as i reflect on that period in my life, i realize what a torture it was for me to take in all that second hand smoke. it smelt terrible. i hated it. how did i cope? i held my breath.

editing my 598 page novel. 43 m + 26 m

today the pervading sense in meditation is what i've been getting on and off in recent days: make space and hold it clear.

i know what it is about. it's the response to my burning question: how should i prepare to start working with my editor on the 598 page manuscript?

what this illuminating insight means to me is that i need to hold the entire narrative in my consciousness while i am working on the sentence at hand.

my editor says, suk wah, you are a brilliant writer, you write all these beautiful scenes, turn of phrase and the way you write about food is poetic, but nobody is going to read about eating lox and bagel for 30 pages, you've got to have pacing.

and detachment too. whatever is not necessary has to go. whatever is holding up the forward momentum has to go. whatever the american mind doesn't get, because i write from a chinese mind, has to change.

all this comes down to one thing. i have to be able to see and hear the narrative landscape as i navigate through the twists and turns.

can i do that? yes, but not without meditation. the only way i know how to keep the inner world clear and quiet is meditating everyday. the only way i know how to sustain focus is returning, again and again, to the easy and long breath.

hwubby says, and your chai too. okay, okay, i do have my own addiction. what to do?!:)