choose that which takes you closer to god

is this a message from the inner self? or not? this is the question. as my meditation practice is getting stronger and stabler, little by little, over time, the difference between the choices becomes more and more subtle. not utterly black and white, but rather in a gray zone of various hues. hwubby and i made a decision a couple of days ago. it has consequences that ripple out in all areas of our life. even though we had been doing due diligence, keeping our vigilance and clarity in check in the course leading up to our decision i soon see doubt appear. what if...maybe i should have done this...may be i shouldn't have done that...am i doing the right thing...blah blah blah. in the moment all these thoughts and feelings are real as can be. and as i reflect on it i don't think i was aware of my breath throughout these mental grips. as the agony came to a peak an insight bursts forth. see what happens when you wake up. i get it right away. between sleeping and waking states is this zone that is sort of like deep outer space. with eyes closed i am in this vast place that is quiet, still, crystal clear and suffused with a throb that is subtle and vibrant all at once. here i can see what i cannot see when there are all kinds of thoughts and mental activity clamoring my attention. so, fast forward to the next morning. i am in that space. i look into it. none of those thoughts and feelings that were hammering me the previous day is around. aaah. so they have dissipated. all that i experience is a sense of deep peace and contentment. i glide into it further. and i hear this. the decision is neither good nor bad. it is what it is. now move on. with that i see possibilities open up in all directions as a result of this decision. now i can explore them. isn't that great. then i recall this teaching. choose that which takes you closer to god. if they are pretty much the same in this way, do what's practical.

from papaya to litigation

i am so happy with what i got. bags of bargain produce. check this out. three hawaiian papaya for eighty nine cents. now, they do look very...ugly. one of them actually is caving in. but guess what, that's sweet sunshine in disguise. a spoonful of its saffron juicy flesh, the aroma and flavor send me straight to the beach where the president of united states hung out as a boy. another couple of mouthfuls later i realize something. i see that hwubby and i are presented with a fantastic opportunity to really deepen our connection to our innermost, highest self. we are going through litigation and yesterday our lawyer presented us a situation where we have to make a choice. a tough choice. how to go about choosing which way to go? what is the right thing to do? food for contemplation. i scoop out another mound of heavenly papaya and i go deeper and higher into my own true nature. there i will receive the guidance i need. it may not come while i am eating up the papaya. so i have to stay vigilant, be aware. messages may come in any direction, any manner, any shape or size.

do what takes me closer to the inner self.

there we were gobbling up shivaa's yummy food and reflecting on how to make choices and decisions. i say, i imagine i am dying and my life is flashing across my mental screen. when i come to this particular point i pause and ask myself, what do i wish i had done? what this exercise does, i find, is i can see through the fears in all their shapes and sizes and get at what truly matters. and what truly matters is, as shivaa says, does it make me feel closer to god than i did before i made the choice/decision?

for me, without a doubt, 'closer to god' is no different from 'connected to the inner self.' as every day goes by, the experience of being connected to my inner self builds, little by little, through meditation. when i find myself asking, what is the right thing to do, is this the right thing to do, when to do it, i draw on this measuring meter within. sometimes i know the answer right away because i get this sense of being at ease with myself. sometimes i have to leave the question and the options at the door of the meditation closet and really settle into the humming, throbbing silence of the inner self permeating the easy breath. i don't go into meditation expecting any answer in a certain way i would prefer. i just pray to be on the right track, whatever it is, that which takes me closer to the inner self. and more often than not i find i need to draw on the courage and strength and stamina, forces from the inner self, in order to stay on track. it's not always easy but it's absolutely worth it.