meditaton keeps the lake of mind calm and clear

my inner self never ceases to amaze me. case in point. there is a person i need to reconnect. it turns out that the phone numbers and email address that i have are no good anymore. it was someone i knew at my old workplace and the workplace doesn't exist anymore either. so after a few frazzled moments i decide to do what i know how to do. i breathe in and out deep and long for a little while. the message from within is unmistakable. i will find her. the power of conviction calms me down. i watch the worry and anxiety huffing and puffing and dissipating instead of letting them tearing my mind in ten thousand directions.

fast forward several days later. at some point in meditation when i have no expectation about it whatsoever. i am just reveling in the sweet and easy breath and the soothing resonance humming through the vast consciousness when i hear one word loud and clear. livermore. i know right away what it means. i write it down while holding my meditation state in place.

later, when it comes time to take care of business, i key in the person's name and 'livermore' and...google. a phone number shows up. i call, leave a message. less than a day later i got a voice message from this person. after taking care of business she says, how do you know my home number? i say, the last time we spoke you told me you were moving to livermore. she says, i did? i don't remember, i don't tell people where i live. indeed. i don't usually ask people where they live either. somehow the question popped out of me and this piece of data got stored somewhere in my consciousness, like a coin at the bottom of a lake. once i can get the lake to be calm and clear i can see the coin when i need to see it.

that's what meditation can do. to keep the lake of mind calm and clear. so i can hear the message from the inner self and see what i need to see.

do what takes me closer to the inner self.

there we were gobbling up shivaa's yummy food and reflecting on how to make choices and decisions. i say, i imagine i am dying and my life is flashing across my mental screen. when i come to this particular point i pause and ask myself, what do i wish i had done? what this exercise does, i find, is i can see through the fears in all their shapes and sizes and get at what truly matters. and what truly matters is, as shivaa says, does it make me feel closer to god than i did before i made the choice/decision?

for me, without a doubt, 'closer to god' is no different from 'connected to the inner self.' as every day goes by, the experience of being connected to my inner self builds, little by little, through meditation. when i find myself asking, what is the right thing to do, is this the right thing to do, when to do it, i draw on this measuring meter within. sometimes i know the answer right away because i get this sense of being at ease with myself. sometimes i have to leave the question and the options at the door of the meditation closet and really settle into the humming, throbbing silence of the inner self permeating the easy breath. i don't go into meditation expecting any answer in a certain way i would prefer. i just pray to be on the right track, whatever it is, that which takes me closer to the inner self. and more often than not i find i need to draw on the courage and strength and stamina, forces from the inner self, in order to stay on track. it's not always easy but it's absolutely worth it.

meditation and wheat-free-gluten-free brownies

meditation is so fascinating and exciting. really. there i am enjoying the lovely sound of the easy breath flowing through a comfortable posture when i feel this longing to....make brownies. almost instantaneously i see limiting thoughts rear their heads. no baking chocolates. no cocoa powder. no double boiler. it's a crisis moment. seriously. if it were not for the cumulative effect of the practices i would have gone bananas. seriously. because i would have been sucked into the stormy mental weather. instead, i make conscious efforts to turn attention to the divine humming sound in the breathing movement. soon i hear a message from within. you have what it takes. you know what to do. in another couple of rounds of breath i go a little deeper and higher within. where the source of courage and strength is.

fast forward to after meditation. i feel a gentle prompting from within to go dig deep into the pantry. i follow it. and so it is way in the back behind and underneath provisions i see a small ziplock bag of 4 unsweetened baking choc squares and a few spoonfuls of premium cocoa powder in a can. just enough for a batch of brownies.

as for the double boiler i look at what i have in terms of pots and pans, play around with a few things and discover a small saucepan that has a lip. i place it over a small pot. there i have it. an adorable double boiler.

my wheat-free, gluten-free brownies are...dare i say, sublime. i can't help but amaze at myself:) i mean, the inner self.

nothing, nobody adds to or diminish the inner self.

i realize something as i wrap up another two hours of being with my priceless inner self through meditation. i listen better as a result of making efforts to stay with the humming sound in the breath. by the way it's not that the inner self goes away when i am not in formal sitting meditation. it's the mind getting caught up in thoughts, feelings and the body in actions that i forget that the self is always with me.

for a long, long time i was filled with anguish about this. where is god? by and large, the anguish is gone because i know from my own experience that god is in my breath.  nobody, nothing can take it away from me. not know how.

and so i hang on to this understanding with my dear life as i look at the retirement account statements that are showing losses. in the end they are situations to take care of. they don't add to nor diminish the inner self. and only when i am firmly footed in the open quiet and clarity of the inner self can i take care of them properly.

even good insights can take me away from being with the self

it never ceases to amaze me what i can see that i didn't see before when the mind is immersed in the quiet and clarity of the inner self. case in point. a while back i received the response regarding a proposal i made. it was a 'no.' since then i moved on.

so there i am meditating away in robust, dynamic contentment, my awareness aloft in the divine humming flowing through the easy breath and, voom, i see it. i see where that 'no' was coming from. it was a justifiable 'no' given the circumstances at that point in time. but between then and now things have changed. and so, if needs be, i can go back to the person and ask for reconsideration.

then the real challenge rears its head. i can feel excitement roar and thunder. along with it agitation and restlessness in the body and mind, like, i can't wait to write this all down, tell hwubby all about it, and so on and so forth. all pushing the mind to keep going with more thoughts and feelings. very tempting indeed. it is in such a moment that i really appreciate the cumulative efforts i've been putting in to anchor my awareness in the true purpose of meditation. to be with the inner self. no more. no less. having insights that guide me in worldly affairs is fine but i have to keep my eye on the ball. or else even good and helpful insights can, in the end, take me away from the real goal. to realize i am the inner self. no more. no less.

visiting a friend in convalescence

i never know when i get presented with a opportunity to work on a tendency, or dare i say, residual tendency, since i have been putting in steady, sweet efforts to not getting caught up in it.

here's a scenario. i've been spending time with a dear spiritual sister who is recuperating from 'sudden death syndrome,' a riveting heart drama. all i can do is to be with her, help her arrange things around the living space to make it work for her. things like putting out the pans and pots she need to use frequently because she can't bend down or lift her arms, set up a blender, a toaster-oven, and, most important of all, unclutter. she says, i realize i don't need half of the things. it's been really sweet.

the tendency i'm referring to is 'judging.' here's how it goes. while on one hand most visitors are kind, considerate and sensitive, there are people, she says, are just....and i can't think of a nice and generous word for it right now. there was this one who stayed for hours and my friend felt like she had to entertain the visitor. there was that one who, seeing my friend making a chicken dish for her lunch, asked, do you have more of it? then there was this one who, soon after walking through the door, couldn't wait to start unload her own emotional misery.

as my sweet-natured friend tells me all this, i have to make a conscious effort to turn my attention to the breathing movement and the soothing hum flowing through it while i say to myself, what's up with these people, what are they thinking?

my inner self says, they are what they are. that helps. the mental agitation fades.

out of the present and can't see what i ought to see

one thing after another appear from unexpected directions. this week is going to be a jam packed one. as i see yet one more to-do come up i also sense the old habit of feeling overwhelmed and inadequate rearing its head along the mental horizon. fortunately the cumulative power of meditation and practices come to my rescue. much quicker and sooner than what it used to be. consciously i return awareness to the humming sound in the nice and flowing breath as well as the understanding that as long as i stay connected to the inner self i will know what to do (or not to to) in the present moment. the truth of the matter is if i am stuck in such feelings i am increasing the probability of doing the wrong thing because i am out of the present and can't see what i ought to see.

dreaming bhagavan nityananda

after humming aum 36 rounds i keep going. at some point my awareness plunges into a place where i lose the sense of time. it's deep, rich silence. when i emerge from it i feel the physical and mental agitation that had been around since the day before is gone. thank you, my inner self.

part of my dream last night goes like this. i'm facing this person who's been the trigger of much mental turmoil. in the dream i find my body and feet lift off the ground until i am like one of those superheroes in a horizontal, ready-to-fly position. i place my palms touching and index fingers pointing towards the forehead of this person. i start repeating om namah shivayya slowly and loud with all my heart and might. i see tremendous churning of yellow muddiness below this person's forehead. the crown of her head is transparent. through it i see bhagavan nityananda, my great-grand teacher. at first i think it is a picture or statue. after a couple of rounds of the mantra he comes alive, turns to look at me and bursts into a huge smile. it is a marvelous, auspicious feeling.

i've never chanted om namah shivayya like this. and to see and be seen by my beloved great-grand teacher in this intimate way is priceless. no wonder i wake up feeling light, cool and centered.

the inner self takes care of the mystical and pragmatic.

i am finished with the simple hatha yoga stretches, moments away from sitting down to meditate when, quietly, one after another, reminders and instructions come into my mind. all have to do with taking care of affairs properly in a timely fashion. i jot down the keywords and only the keywords just to jolt my memory when it is time to execute them. but for now i move on keeping my eye on the task at hand. meditate.

it takes a while to calm down the mental activity. but it happens. the cumulative power of my practices lift me up and carry me through. little by little i settle into the rhythm of the humming sound of the breath. off i go for two hours to be with my inner self. in a subtle manner i experience moving through a range of consciousness levels. some are deeper than others. some are higher than others. but they are all part and parcel of my vast mystical world within. it's an awesome feeling.

without a doubt the inner self takes care of mystical experiences as well as pragmatic affairs. there's no separation. i have them all.

meditation retreat experiences

moments after the first session in the all day meditation retreat kicks off i see contours of a storyline that i've been working at emerging and shaping. it's so exciting. i couldn't help but go along with it when i realize no, there's a time for everything and it's is not the time for this. i summon up the will to turn the attention around. breath by breath, little by little, my awareness settles into the cooling river of the humming sound in the breath. when the session is over i quietly jot down the keywords. only the keywords. i make conscious, sustained efforts to stay with what's at hand. to hold the mind clear and quiet.

in the third session i see a column of lights. beautiful vibrant lights. opal lights. i don't see the top and bottom of it. it is clear to me that it stretches up to the crown of head and base of spine. and beyond. lovely hues. shimmering, sparkling, shifting luminance of young green, clear sky blue, powder pink, hot pink, marigold yellow, lemon yellow. absolutely pleasing to the senses. i revel in it. after a while it all becomes a dazzling brilliance of white and the contours of the column disappear. just when i wonder why the inner self says, you are in the light. yes. i am the light. i own a trove of top quality gemstones within.

in the finale session my posture is as great and fresh as can be. hey, that's after meditating for almost seven hours since i did two hours beforehand.

the inner self gets a little bigger

i went to bed last night thinking i would not meditate this morning since i'll be in a meditation retreat today so i'll be meditating all day long. but i was wide awake 2.50am. what to do?!:) what a treat.

a really nice thing happened. i've been propping up my crossed legs with extra pillows. at some point while i was paying attention to the column of light running from the crown of head to the base of spine and enjoying the lovely humming sound in the breath i just knew i could remove some of those pillows. i did. the foundation of the posture opened up. i experienced an expansion within. the inner self which has no limits has just become a little bit bigger.

it's gonna be a great day of meditation.

being breathed in sabbath. 45m + 33m

upswells of cool, fresh buzz from deep within wash thru all corners and shores of the body and mind. wave by wave the throbbing hum fill up the fingers and arms. one by one the tasks that need to be taken care of today emerge in a certain order. the focus of the day becomes clear.

in torah study, hwubby comments, in sabbath i feel like taking a pause from a hectic pace and being breathed.

indeed i have no control over how many breaths i can have and when i will have the last one. recognizing that i can relax into the invisible hands of the inner self and move with the easy breath. remembering that helps me to sustain a sense of healthy detachment from the drama, see through the fog of emotions and thoughts. anchoring my awareness in my inner self holds me steady in the present moment.

someone in the study asks, will people still be workhaholic if they observe sabbath? everybody laugh.

what comes to me is that when i keep the inner space open as a vessel and transmitter for the force of healing and transformation i will know the appropriate thing to do and i will move or rest accordingly. hey, after all, what is my inner self but part and parcel of the force of healing and transformation. god dwells within me as me. halleluja.

be a natural b. 45m + 21m

humming and enjoying the buzz in the lips. buzz in the cheeks. buzz up the nose. buzz cruises around the crown of head. buzz filling up the fingers, palms and arms till they are buoyant balloons of gentle, soothing ocean waves.

that's a new practice of mine. in a way the mind cannot comprehend it makes my meditation that much  sweeter. so simple yet it's strong enough to hold the mind in this quiet, spacious place of the inner self. from here i hum along and watch emotions, thoughts and memory come by and wave them goodbye. i have no intention to let them stick around.

it is so natural to sit quietly like this. i say to hwubby, it feels natural now but it has taken so much work to get here, just to be natural. with a twinkle sparkling off his gorgeous lips, he says, don't be sharp, don't be flat, be natural.

inner self moves me to a wonderland. 39m + 18m

just when i am about to begin humming after doing the last round of aum japa i watch a fascinating thing happen. a subtle swooping motion swirls through me. it's powerful and gentle all at once. there's nothing scary about it at all. in fact i feel safe and secure. my easy lotus posture is stable and sturdy. the breath is easy and steady.

i sort of digress.

anyway, what happens next is a sweet surprise. i watch my mouth and jaw launch into one yawny breath after another. i also watch how effortlessly the back of neck stay long and relaxed. the overall effect is this. there are tensions lodged deep within the neck. each yawny breath reaches into the region a little further. some alchemy takes place. i can feel the stubborn tightening loosen creating space. now the breath can really flow through.

it's a wonderful state to be in. my inner self really knows what it's doing. i just have to stay open, stay out of its way.

humming to a new fabulous low. 45m + 18m

the extended humming sound is kind of like...a stent. yeah, like a stent opening up a clogged artery. only this hummm is even more fabulous. it opens up inner space. it really makes me have the experience that my inner space has no boundaries.

hey, why should it? there are one hundred billion galaxies in the universe outside of me. there are one hundred billion neurons within me. my inner universe is every bit as grand and splendid as whatever universe there was, is and ever will be.

humming mmm is my new habit. 41 m + 34 m

i notice a new habit is shaping up.

it all began at the beginning of the year. and spontaneously too. after i finish singing 36 rounds of aum, i would glide into humming the extended resonance mmmm. the buzz would build and build. it would fill up the arms, hands, until the fingers feel like living, warm water balloons bouncing gently.

soon molecules and cells from deep within the body respond and reverberate in sync. there's something phenomenally calming and settling about it. sweet too.